Dark Side
Well I was very wrong to assume my life at Willamette would ever be boring.
Edwin, though I expect you will understand much of this, it is mostly with regards to a particular situation which you've not been a part of. Nori I expect to be "wft," but don't worry about it to much. John and Joey I largely expect that you guys have no idea what this is about. I don't believe there is anyone else who has a live journal that I need to worry about. Everyone else knows exactly what I mean. I don't know the live journal options well enough to filter who reads this, but if I did I likely wouldn't anyway. It's not my personality to hide things if I don't have too. I also apologize for this immeansly long post, I can't manipulate the rich text options on my Mac (or I don't know how). Don't read it if you don't find it relevent to you or interesting.
Where to begin? Well for one thing I guess I shouldn't say surprised, but I was indeed very shocked to find out about all of what's been going on here over the last few weeks. I am no stranger to having people have very interesting projections of me, I realize I am very unique in my thoughts and ideas, but I think most unique in that those thoughts and ideas are very much grounded in my perception of reality. I don't go out of my way to have unconventional thoughts, I just am not afraid to have them. That being said I realize that this is not about me, it is about Holly. Of course THAT being said, I am very much a part of this, and I would have liked to know about what's been happening. Also I feel like I have a lot to clarify and sadly a lot of my own character to defend.
First off, I do realize I have a very powerful persona, as well as a good deal of charisma. Not to mention fair physical stature and often forward and pseudo-aggressive personality. Adding that I also have a reasonably powerful intellect, and that I am aware of, talented, and skilled in utilizing all of what virtues I've claimed to possess, there's always something to be afraid of. I am used to people being afraid of me, in fact I am surprised when they are not. To be clear the kind of fear I am talking about has as much variety as any part of myself. It has rendered itself in the people around me as pure fear, hatred, intimidation, jealousy, shyness, general dislike, threat, admiration, concern (for me and for others), attraction, self-doubt, and I don't know what all else. And it has effected every kind of relationship I have ever had, at every point in my life. My father, mother, brother, cousins, grandparents (all of them, though not as much), closest friends, distant relatives, casual acquaintances, and people i've never seen before. From before I could walk or speak to this very day. All in very meaningful and often in serious ways. Believe me when I say that none of this is being exaggerated in any way, nor am I using abstract definitions of any of my words. None of this is about pity that I expect from any of you, we all have our problems, it is to offer insight into who I am and why I make the kinds of decisions I do.
As a child I wasn't ever very popular, and certainly never respected by children my own age. It was the hardest thing in the world trying to understand why everybody hated me. I also wondered why nobody (my age) could see the things I could, and how they were all so misbehaved. Mind you all I was very popular with adults. For some reason older people and considerably younger people have a much easier time getting along with me. Though maturity doesn't always come with age, and it doesn't always help. Elderly see a honest and worthy individual, and young find something to admire. Or better, neither feel threatened nor the need to compete. As I matured, I began to realize (though my mother had been telling me all along) that this hatred in it's many forms was inspired solely by their fear of me. Something I've apparently inherited. To reiterate what I've said before, the two things people fear the most are power and what they don't understand. I embody both those very strongly. And again, I was told that I always would simply because of who and what I am. That's a lot for a child to deal with, especially to deal with alone, and for one who's only wish was to be loved by the people around him.
When one is so hated, there is a strong tendency to hate oneself. For many other reasons as well (such as my many natural talents and dispositions) I decided that all I had was pride and honor, that though I may suffer, that for people like me, feeling good, and even happiness don't matter. Drugs can make a person feel good, and even deep intelligent people have told me that certain drugs can invoke very real sacred emotions (like experiences with God, and 'true happiness). Just one reason why I never put much stock in such goals. Doing what's right is what matters. Being a better person is what matters. And for me, that's all that matters. Please note that I did not say "And to me." However when I was in about eight or nine years old (3rd grade-ish), these virtues started to suffer. I started to forget why I was the way I was. I felt like it never got me anything. I saw other children who were incredibly poorly behaved constantly getting attention not to mention their way. It wasn't until 7th grade (nearly seven years ago) that I'd realized how far I'd fallen, how much I'd lost that I started putting myself back together, and it hasn't been even a year since I've really started to come together. But with a much stronger understanding of what it means to be me, and what I believe in. Though, not always on stage, I am also an amazing actor, and there is so much that nobody would have ever guessed about me, even things that are usually easy to discern. Anyway, back to where I was getting to; what I was saying above about not needing to be happy at the cost of being right, is that I've always chose to embrace my strength and nobility. And very core to my beliefs is that power comes with responsibility.
For that reason AND because I was tired of people hating me, I've always been very serious and adamant about not ever abusing my power. I am ever-conscious about my presence and it's affect on people, and I've never made anyone do anything that was against their personality. Unfortunately it's actually better to say I've never Wanted anyone to do anything against their personality. Not since I was a child.
Since I've talked so much about fear, it seems appropriate to talk about pain. I've felt a lot of pain in my life, for many different reasons. Not nearly as much as some, but enough to know what it means. And I've caused a lot pain, a great deal more than most, again, for many people. And generally, the closer people get the more they stand to suffer. When I was young it was a matter of not understanding just how much I did hurt people, and sometimes it felt like my only influence. Not surprising, nor uncommon in children, it's not like they have a whole lot of legal rights, and people tend not to listen to them, so they find other ways of getting what they want and need done. Naturally I stopped as soon as I gained the maturity and insight into what it means to cause pain in other people. For me, I consider it a grievous disgrace and offense if ever done for selfish reasons.
That being said, I do cause a great deal of pain to all those around me with more frequency than I enjoy. However in recent times (being generally 7th grade and later) that pain has a lot more to do with other peoples tendencies to hide the truth, look the other way, and not live up to their own expectations. Passively it usually renders itself as people seeing me and the way I do things and being jealous or envious, (hence causing pain, hate, fear, etc.). Actively it renders itself in my well honed talent to see through people, and my showing them the truths about their lives that they don't know how, or don't like to face.
So finally I'm getting to the part about Holly (jesus, I've been writing for 3 and a half hours).
There are many reasons for why I fell in love with her. She's insightful, passionate, intelligent, has a strong and well formed body, as well as a strong and free willed spirit, and a very powerful persona. More personal to myself, we seem to parallel each other in mind, thought, opinion, spirit, and practice. Indeed I feared that we would be to alike, and that I may not have much to learn from her, or that we wouldn't grow well together, or simply things would just be boring. I was very happily wrong on all accounts. But I also deeply hoped our ego's wouldn't clash, something she apparently couldn't help, and I couldn't stop. But it's something we're getting through, and have made a lot of progress toward it. One other thing was that in the beginning wasn't afraid of me, at all, and it meant so much to me that she wasn't that I tried to make her promise that she never would be. Of course, I didn't expect her to know what I meant, or to fulfill that promise. But that is something else we have made a lot of progress toward.
As to whether I am trying to change her or not, a popular subject of debate between us, and now apparently among the Willemeketa group at large. sorry for being slighting, but I can't deny that this has been a frustrating event for me. I've said to her many times in the past, and now for the first time to the world at large, I've never wanted or tried to change Holly in any way regarding who she is. Though recently, I believe she understands this even if nobody else does. Though I hesitate to speak for her in any way, I wouldn't want to sound "abusive." again, honestly, please believe you have my deepest apologies. The best way that I can describe the ways I have ever been discontent with Holly's actions is that I find her to be in at least a couple of ways immature. Like the child who lashes out, because they don't understand the pain they cause, or is reckless and irresponsible in their actions toward others and themselves because nobody's every expected them to be so, is the best way to describe it as I see it. And it is the description that she herself has felt most comfortable with. And while it seems every one else in her life has been comfortable to protect her and let her be her as she is (I know I am gonna get shit for this one) I expect and want her to grow stronger within her self and with respect to other people. No more a change in personality than simple maturity.
And the reasons for this are two-fold. One for herself, so she can express and understand herself better. And two for other people, because she is far more powerful than she realizes or is aware of. Because of that she inevitably wields that power recklessly and hurts people far worse then she intends to or realizes.
Finally, I'd like to add that their have only been three times since she's been back in America that I was have been seriously upset with her. The first was when she misjudged and my intentions in a very painful way. The second was she made a very conscious decision that she knew would her me and had no other reason for making it. And the third was when I watched her do something very reckless (and in my opinion shameful) that had a very real potential to seriously hurt a certain group of people, and she wasn't even aware of it. She and many others have also described me as harsh. That is mostly because I find that particularly among any person who would classify themselves as a warrior, there is no greater insult than to be gone easy on, and it rarely helps understanding and only breeds weakness. It's been proven that there are other ways, even for people like me, but it is the way I am most familiar with. Most important, I am not harsh to hurt people, I am harsh so that I don't hurt them in a much deeper way.
There were a few points I missed, I almost remembered them as I finished typing, but I will come back and put them in later. Here I am open and vulnerable to anything anybody has to say. Just read what I've said carefully, so that you are accurate in your opinions of it, and so you can see there was no magic of persona or persuasion involved. Lastly (since I used finally already) I greatly appreciate all that you have done and tried to do for Holly, and I bear no resentment or judgment for any of you or anything that's happened. Though I wish more (any) of it had been done to my face, and I am sad that I seem to have been made to appear like such a villain in all this, I can understand for many reasons (as I have seen and experienced so many abusive relationships), and frankly I am used to it.
Thank you all for reading and caring.
Edwin, though I expect you will understand much of this, it is mostly with regards to a particular situation which you've not been a part of. Nori I expect to be "wft," but don't worry about it to much. John and Joey I largely expect that you guys have no idea what this is about. I don't believe there is anyone else who has a live journal that I need to worry about. Everyone else knows exactly what I mean. I don't know the live journal options well enough to filter who reads this, but if I did I likely wouldn't anyway. It's not my personality to hide things if I don't have too. I also apologize for this immeansly long post, I can't manipulate the rich text options on my Mac (or I don't know how). Don't read it if you don't find it relevent to you or interesting.
Where to begin? Well for one thing I guess I shouldn't say surprised, but I was indeed very shocked to find out about all of what's been going on here over the last few weeks. I am no stranger to having people have very interesting projections of me, I realize I am very unique in my thoughts and ideas, but I think most unique in that those thoughts and ideas are very much grounded in my perception of reality. I don't go out of my way to have unconventional thoughts, I just am not afraid to have them. That being said I realize that this is not about me, it is about Holly. Of course THAT being said, I am very much a part of this, and I would have liked to know about what's been happening. Also I feel like I have a lot to clarify and sadly a lot of my own character to defend.
First off, I do realize I have a very powerful persona, as well as a good deal of charisma. Not to mention fair physical stature and often forward and pseudo-aggressive personality. Adding that I also have a reasonably powerful intellect, and that I am aware of, talented, and skilled in utilizing all of what virtues I've claimed to possess, there's always something to be afraid of. I am used to people being afraid of me, in fact I am surprised when they are not. To be clear the kind of fear I am talking about has as much variety as any part of myself. It has rendered itself in the people around me as pure fear, hatred, intimidation, jealousy, shyness, general dislike, threat, admiration, concern (for me and for others), attraction, self-doubt, and I don't know what all else. And it has effected every kind of relationship I have ever had, at every point in my life. My father, mother, brother, cousins, grandparents (all of them, though not as much), closest friends, distant relatives, casual acquaintances, and people i've never seen before. From before I could walk or speak to this very day. All in very meaningful and often in serious ways. Believe me when I say that none of this is being exaggerated in any way, nor am I using abstract definitions of any of my words. None of this is about pity that I expect from any of you, we all have our problems, it is to offer insight into who I am and why I make the kinds of decisions I do.
As a child I wasn't ever very popular, and certainly never respected by children my own age. It was the hardest thing in the world trying to understand why everybody hated me. I also wondered why nobody (my age) could see the things I could, and how they were all so misbehaved. Mind you all I was very popular with adults. For some reason older people and considerably younger people have a much easier time getting along with me. Though maturity doesn't always come with age, and it doesn't always help. Elderly see a honest and worthy individual, and young find something to admire. Or better, neither feel threatened nor the need to compete. As I matured, I began to realize (though my mother had been telling me all along) that this hatred in it's many forms was inspired solely by their fear of me. Something I've apparently inherited. To reiterate what I've said before, the two things people fear the most are power and what they don't understand. I embody both those very strongly. And again, I was told that I always would simply because of who and what I am. That's a lot for a child to deal with, especially to deal with alone, and for one who's only wish was to be loved by the people around him.
When one is so hated, there is a strong tendency to hate oneself. For many other reasons as well (such as my many natural talents and dispositions) I decided that all I had was pride and honor, that though I may suffer, that for people like me, feeling good, and even happiness don't matter. Drugs can make a person feel good, and even deep intelligent people have told me that certain drugs can invoke very real sacred emotions (like experiences with God, and 'true happiness). Just one reason why I never put much stock in such goals. Doing what's right is what matters. Being a better person is what matters. And for me, that's all that matters. Please note that I did not say "And to me." However when I was in about eight or nine years old (3rd grade-ish), these virtues started to suffer. I started to forget why I was the way I was. I felt like it never got me anything. I saw other children who were incredibly poorly behaved constantly getting attention not to mention their way. It wasn't until 7th grade (nearly seven years ago) that I'd realized how far I'd fallen, how much I'd lost that I started putting myself back together, and it hasn't been even a year since I've really started to come together. But with a much stronger understanding of what it means to be me, and what I believe in. Though, not always on stage, I am also an amazing actor, and there is so much that nobody would have ever guessed about me, even things that are usually easy to discern. Anyway, back to where I was getting to; what I was saying above about not needing to be happy at the cost of being right, is that I've always chose to embrace my strength and nobility. And very core to my beliefs is that power comes with responsibility.
For that reason AND because I was tired of people hating me, I've always been very serious and adamant about not ever abusing my power. I am ever-conscious about my presence and it's affect on people, and I've never made anyone do anything that was against their personality. Unfortunately it's actually better to say I've never Wanted anyone to do anything against their personality. Not since I was a child.
Since I've talked so much about fear, it seems appropriate to talk about pain. I've felt a lot of pain in my life, for many different reasons. Not nearly as much as some, but enough to know what it means. And I've caused a lot pain, a great deal more than most, again, for many people. And generally, the closer people get the more they stand to suffer. When I was young it was a matter of not understanding just how much I did hurt people, and sometimes it felt like my only influence. Not surprising, nor uncommon in children, it's not like they have a whole lot of legal rights, and people tend not to listen to them, so they find other ways of getting what they want and need done. Naturally I stopped as soon as I gained the maturity and insight into what it means to cause pain in other people. For me, I consider it a grievous disgrace and offense if ever done for selfish reasons.
That being said, I do cause a great deal of pain to all those around me with more frequency than I enjoy. However in recent times (being generally 7th grade and later) that pain has a lot more to do with other peoples tendencies to hide the truth, look the other way, and not live up to their own expectations. Passively it usually renders itself as people seeing me and the way I do things and being jealous or envious, (hence causing pain, hate, fear, etc.). Actively it renders itself in my well honed talent to see through people, and my showing them the truths about their lives that they don't know how, or don't like to face.
So finally I'm getting to the part about Holly (jesus, I've been writing for 3 and a half hours).
There are many reasons for why I fell in love with her. She's insightful, passionate, intelligent, has a strong and well formed body, as well as a strong and free willed spirit, and a very powerful persona. More personal to myself, we seem to parallel each other in mind, thought, opinion, spirit, and practice. Indeed I feared that we would be to alike, and that I may not have much to learn from her, or that we wouldn't grow well together, or simply things would just be boring. I was very happily wrong on all accounts. But I also deeply hoped our ego's wouldn't clash, something she apparently couldn't help, and I couldn't stop. But it's something we're getting through, and have made a lot of progress toward it. One other thing was that in the beginning wasn't afraid of me, at all, and it meant so much to me that she wasn't that I tried to make her promise that she never would be. Of course, I didn't expect her to know what I meant, or to fulfill that promise. But that is something else we have made a lot of progress toward.
As to whether I am trying to change her or not, a popular subject of debate between us, and now apparently among the Willemeketa group at large. sorry for being slighting, but I can't deny that this has been a frustrating event for me. I've said to her many times in the past, and now for the first time to the world at large, I've never wanted or tried to change Holly in any way regarding who she is. Though recently, I believe she understands this even if nobody else does. Though I hesitate to speak for her in any way, I wouldn't want to sound "abusive." again, honestly, please believe you have my deepest apologies. The best way that I can describe the ways I have ever been discontent with Holly's actions is that I find her to be in at least a couple of ways immature. Like the child who lashes out, because they don't understand the pain they cause, or is reckless and irresponsible in their actions toward others and themselves because nobody's every expected them to be so, is the best way to describe it as I see it. And it is the description that she herself has felt most comfortable with. And while it seems every one else in her life has been comfortable to protect her and let her be her as she is (I know I am gonna get shit for this one) I expect and want her to grow stronger within her self and with respect to other people. No more a change in personality than simple maturity.
And the reasons for this are two-fold. One for herself, so she can express and understand herself better. And two for other people, because she is far more powerful than she realizes or is aware of. Because of that she inevitably wields that power recklessly and hurts people far worse then she intends to or realizes.
Finally, I'd like to add that their have only been three times since she's been back in America that I was have been seriously upset with her. The first was when she misjudged and my intentions in a very painful way. The second was she made a very conscious decision that she knew would her me and had no other reason for making it. And the third was when I watched her do something very reckless (and in my opinion shameful) that had a very real potential to seriously hurt a certain group of people, and she wasn't even aware of it. She and many others have also described me as harsh. That is mostly because I find that particularly among any person who would classify themselves as a warrior, there is no greater insult than to be gone easy on, and it rarely helps understanding and only breeds weakness. It's been proven that there are other ways, even for people like me, but it is the way I am most familiar with. Most important, I am not harsh to hurt people, I am harsh so that I don't hurt them in a much deeper way.
There were a few points I missed, I almost remembered them as I finished typing, but I will come back and put them in later. Here I am open and vulnerable to anything anybody has to say. Just read what I've said carefully, so that you are accurate in your opinions of it, and so you can see there was no magic of persona or persuasion involved. Lastly (since I used finally already) I greatly appreciate all that you have done and tried to do for Holly, and I bear no resentment or judgment for any of you or anything that's happened. Though I wish more (any) of it had been done to my face, and I am sad that I seem to have been made to appear like such a villain in all this, I can understand for many reasons (as I have seen and experienced so many abusive relationships), and frankly I am used to it.
Thank you all for reading and caring.