When you dream
Title: When you dream
Pairing: Steven Gerrard / Xabi Alonso
Disclaimer: I wish I own them.
Summary: You opened your eyes in an attempt to dream because you like to dream even awake.
You didn’t know how to breathe when he was not around. You thought you were going to die but physically you were still alive just can’t breathe properly as once you can.
You still remembered the day at Carra’s party, remembered him sitting next to you, so close, close enough you felt his hand brushed on your hand, close enough you smelled his perfume and if he moved just a little bit closer, you would be hearing his heartbeat but he never came closer, never will. ‘I love Liverpool, you know’ He whispered and you smiled then nodded. ‘I love Liverpool too. It is my home’ where brought you to me, you wanted to add. He then smiled strangely and you felt something wrong in that smile. ‘I love Nagore so much Stevie’ Xabi whispered gently, love in his voice, heart in his eyes. You felt like you would bend and break with those words, those eyes, those smiles, and those voice but you smile at him like good mate should do. ‘And Jon is the greatest thing I have in my life’ He whispered again, looking in your eyes, there were all apology in it and then you just knew what he was about to say.
He was leaving.
You, suddenly, stood up, making everyone stop talking. They all looked at you in confusion. You walked out of the room without looking back, no one dare following you but Xabi. He stopped you, his hand grabbed whole of your wrist, his eyes were pleading you to listen to him.
‘Listen Stevie, I have been thinking about it and it is for the best. I love Liverpool, I really do but I love Nagore and Jon too. It is the best for them if I move back to Spain.’
You stared at him. You knew he has been hurted by Rafa. You knew he felt useless from being injured all the time. You knew all he felt but you didn’t understand how can he want to move away.
‘Liverpool can survire without me Stevie. They don’t need me anymore but Nagore and Jon want me.’
You glared at him. You wanted to ask him. ‘What about me?’, wanted to scream ‘But I don’t think I can survive wiyhout you.’
You wanted to say things you have been hiding deep in your mind for five years so much it hurted painfully. So you just nodded and told him you understood it. You will always be by his side whatever he did. Then you excused yourself to go back home because Alex would be angry if you were late and obviously, you lied because Alex never cared where you were as long as you brought her money. You knew Xabi knew you lied but he didn’t say it. He letted you go and you were hoping, wishing, begging helplessly that at least he would say ‘I love you Stevie’ but then, wishing was just wishing and for unfaithful people like you, wishing will never become true.
You didn’t know how you got home that night without crashing your car with others. The only thing you remembered after that was you have never felt broken like that before and it hurted so much you couldn’t cry. You wanted to scream, crying, kicking, throwing but the only thing you could manage to do was sitting silently, holding yourself together because you afraid you would be broken anytime soon.
You didn’t sleep all night and the next day when you saw him. You had all I - CANNOT - FUCKING - SLEEP all over your face and your eyes.
You didn’t know days and months after that because you can’t remember anything clrealy till the day he’s gone. The day you should be standing at the airport, hugging him, telling him goodbye like you told him you would do but you can’t do it. Not when it became so painful in your chest every time you saw him. Not when you had to bite your lip, your mouth, your tongue not to beg him please don’t go and I think I’m going to die without you. So you sat on your coach, watching your mobile rang for hundredth times with many different names, Carra, Pepe, Nando, Dirk, Danniel and Xabi. You can’t help yourself looking at it and didn’t accept his call more than three times. As stupid as you always were, you accepted the call.
‘Why didn’t you come Stevie’ you can tell his voice was shaking. You kept your eyes close, trying to hold back the tears. You didn’t sure just how long you can hold it back.
‘I am busy’ Keep being cool Gerrard, you told yourself repeatedly.
‘Is it that important you cannot come to say goodbye?’
Fuck. Nothing is more important than you, you idiot because if you told me to break up with Alex, I would do. Because if you wanted me to run away with you to find the place where no one knows us, I would go. So how the fuck can anyone or anything are more important than you?
‘I am sorry Xabi. You can go without me saying goodbye, no?’ you tried to laugh, tried to joke and you hoped you didn’t hear your hoarse cry because you were crying now.
‘I need you’ he whispered.
Just like that you opened your eyes and all tears were running down your cheek. You opened your eyes in an attempt to dream because you like to dream even awake. You liked to dream about him and how you two would end up together, happy forever. You liked to dream what if you answered the question in Istanbul where he asked you why you kissed him, what if you said because I’m in love with you instead of shrugging and laughing at him carelessly. You, sometimes, dreamed what it would feel like to be kissed, hugged, loved by him. You many times, dreamed about the day in the changing room after you gave Nando a ball after the match. Xabi left the field very early that day. He was sitting alone when you arrived. He was staring at the floor and you wondered if he was, just maybe a little, jealous? You wondered if he felt jealousy burned through his skin, into his blood, inside his vein just like you felt when you saw him with Nagore. You, almost all the time, dreamed about the moment you dared enough to say ‘I love you’, ‘I want you’, ‘I need you’ and Xabi would say the same thing with his gently and soothing voice, with love even.
‘Xabi. We’ve gotta go’ Then you heard Nagore’s voice and the dream faded away.
‘Steven. I have gotta go. Please say something, please.’ He plead.
I love you. I want you. I need you.
‘Goodbye Xabi and good luck in real’
END
I know I’m suck.
I know…. I know…
It is my first Steven/Xabi. I wrote then deleted then worte then deleted.... lol how suck I am.
Pairing: Steven Gerrard / Xabi Alonso
Disclaimer: I wish I own them.
Summary: You opened your eyes in an attempt to dream because you like to dream even awake.
You didn’t know how to breathe when he was not around. You thought you were going to die but physically you were still alive just can’t breathe properly as once you can.
You still remembered the day at Carra’s party, remembered him sitting next to you, so close, close enough you felt his hand brushed on your hand, close enough you smelled his perfume and if he moved just a little bit closer, you would be hearing his heartbeat but he never came closer, never will. ‘I love Liverpool, you know’ He whispered and you smiled then nodded. ‘I love Liverpool too. It is my home’ where brought you to me, you wanted to add. He then smiled strangely and you felt something wrong in that smile. ‘I love Nagore so much Stevie’ Xabi whispered gently, love in his voice, heart in his eyes. You felt like you would bend and break with those words, those eyes, those smiles, and those voice but you smile at him like good mate should do. ‘And Jon is the greatest thing I have in my life’ He whispered again, looking in your eyes, there were all apology in it and then you just knew what he was about to say.
He was leaving.
You, suddenly, stood up, making everyone stop talking. They all looked at you in confusion. You walked out of the room without looking back, no one dare following you but Xabi. He stopped you, his hand grabbed whole of your wrist, his eyes were pleading you to listen to him.
‘Listen Stevie, I have been thinking about it and it is for the best. I love Liverpool, I really do but I love Nagore and Jon too. It is the best for them if I move back to Spain.’
You stared at him. You knew he has been hurted by Rafa. You knew he felt useless from being injured all the time. You knew all he felt but you didn’t understand how can he want to move away.
‘Liverpool can survire without me Stevie. They don’t need me anymore but Nagore and Jon want me.’
You glared at him. You wanted to ask him. ‘What about me?’, wanted to scream ‘But I don’t think I can survive wiyhout you.’
You wanted to say things you have been hiding deep in your mind for five years so much it hurted painfully. So you just nodded and told him you understood it. You will always be by his side whatever he did. Then you excused yourself to go back home because Alex would be angry if you were late and obviously, you lied because Alex never cared where you were as long as you brought her money. You knew Xabi knew you lied but he didn’t say it. He letted you go and you were hoping, wishing, begging helplessly that at least he would say ‘I love you Stevie’ but then, wishing was just wishing and for unfaithful people like you, wishing will never become true.
You didn’t know how you got home that night without crashing your car with others. The only thing you remembered after that was you have never felt broken like that before and it hurted so much you couldn’t cry. You wanted to scream, crying, kicking, throwing but the only thing you could manage to do was sitting silently, holding yourself together because you afraid you would be broken anytime soon.
You didn’t sleep all night and the next day when you saw him. You had all I - CANNOT - FUCKING - SLEEP all over your face and your eyes.
You didn’t know days and months after that because you can’t remember anything clrealy till the day he’s gone. The day you should be standing at the airport, hugging him, telling him goodbye like you told him you would do but you can’t do it. Not when it became so painful in your chest every time you saw him. Not when you had to bite your lip, your mouth, your tongue not to beg him please don’t go and I think I’m going to die without you. So you sat on your coach, watching your mobile rang for hundredth times with many different names, Carra, Pepe, Nando, Dirk, Danniel and Xabi. You can’t help yourself looking at it and didn’t accept his call more than three times. As stupid as you always were, you accepted the call.
‘Why didn’t you come Stevie’ you can tell his voice was shaking. You kept your eyes close, trying to hold back the tears. You didn’t sure just how long you can hold it back.
‘I am busy’ Keep being cool Gerrard, you told yourself repeatedly.
‘Is it that important you cannot come to say goodbye?’
Fuck. Nothing is more important than you, you idiot because if you told me to break up with Alex, I would do. Because if you wanted me to run away with you to find the place where no one knows us, I would go. So how the fuck can anyone or anything are more important than you?
‘I am sorry Xabi. You can go without me saying goodbye, no?’ you tried to laugh, tried to joke and you hoped you didn’t hear your hoarse cry because you were crying now.
‘I need you’ he whispered.
Just like that you opened your eyes and all tears were running down your cheek. You opened your eyes in an attempt to dream because you like to dream even awake. You liked to dream about him and how you two would end up together, happy forever. You liked to dream what if you answered the question in Istanbul where he asked you why you kissed him, what if you said because I’m in love with you instead of shrugging and laughing at him carelessly. You, sometimes, dreamed what it would feel like to be kissed, hugged, loved by him. You many times, dreamed about the day in the changing room after you gave Nando a ball after the match. Xabi left the field very early that day. He was sitting alone when you arrived. He was staring at the floor and you wondered if he was, just maybe a little, jealous? You wondered if he felt jealousy burned through his skin, into his blood, inside his vein just like you felt when you saw him with Nagore. You, almost all the time, dreamed about the moment you dared enough to say ‘I love you’, ‘I want you’, ‘I need you’ and Xabi would say the same thing with his gently and soothing voice, with love even.
‘Xabi. We’ve gotta go’ Then you heard Nagore’s voice and the dream faded away.
‘Steven. I have gotta go. Please say something, please.’ He plead.
I love you. I want you. I need you.
‘Goodbye Xabi and good luck in real’
END
I know I’m suck.
I know…. I know…
It is my first Steven/Xabi. I wrote then deleted then worte then deleted.... lol how suck I am.