The President's Office, Episode 1
The President's Office
The President's Office in Esthar is not your ordinary political headquarters. President Loire fancies himself the "World's Greatest President" and his employees are more his pals than his underlings. Of course, they may not necessarily agree with him. Here is the first in a series of wacky, madcap adventures in a documentary-style.
Starring Laguna Loire as President Laguna Loire
Seifer as Assistant to the President Seifer Almasy
Squall as Lead Security Representative Squall Leonhart
Rinoa as President's Office Receptionist Rinoa Heartilly
Irvine as President's Office Intern Irvine Kinneas
With
Quistis as Security Representative Quistis Trepe
Xu as Security Representative Xu Xiucai
Cid as Security Representative Cid Kramer
Selphie as Human Resources Representative Selphie Tilmitt
Zell as Public Relations Representative Zell Dincht
Ellone as Presidential Advisor/Sorceress Liaison Ellone Loire
Ward as Presidential Advisor/Economy Ward Zabac
Kiros as Presidential Advisor/Foreign Relations Kiros Seagill
Edea as Edea Kramer, Owner, Edea's Ice Cream Shop
Raijin as Cousin Raijin, Roommate of Seifer Almasy
Fujin as Fujin, Roommate of Seifer Almasy, Employee, Edea's Ice Cream Shop
General Caraway as Galbadian Ambassador Caraway
And
Ultimecia as Continued Threat to Humanity, Sorceress Ultimecia
---
LAGUNA'S OFFICE
Personal Interview
Laguna: Look, see that mug there? *gestures to his desk* It says World's Best President on it. You know why? Because I am. I mean, you don't see people working for Vinzer Deling giving him mugs like this. I mean, of course, he died horribly. I mean, really horribly. Like, his organs were vaporized on the inside and his skin melted into a puddle of goo in front of a huge crowd, and before that he got stabbed with Edea's fingers. Her fingers!
But still. Nobody liked him. Nobody misses him. I'm just saying.
LAGUNA'S OFFICE
Personal Interview
Laguna: So I just got elected for my fifth term in office. Can you believe that? You know, Esthar has never been more awesome since I got here, and it's really thanks to the great staff I've gathered around me.
(We pan through the PRESIDENT'S OFFICE, seeing Laguna's staff working diligently)
Laguna: There really are some great folks here. And you can tell, just really tell how thrilled they are to be here.
BREAK ROOM
Personal Interview
Squall: I hate it here. Every day I work for Laguna I'm one step closer to killing myself. I guess I get paid enough to be the Lead Security Representative, but it's just a job. I swear, if this was my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
Seifer: (enters the office, smiling big for the Receptionist and smacking Zell on the back of the head with a newspaper before sitting down at his desk, which is pushed right next to Squall's) Morning, bitches
Squall: ...
Seifer: (leans back in his chair) I got laid last night, who wants to hear about it?
Squall: (continues filling out paperwork)
Seifer: Hey Leonhart, bet you didn't get laid last night. Like I did. Because I had sex. A lot of sex. With a woman. And it was great.
BREAK ROOM
Personal Interview
Seifer: Yeah, I'm the Assistant President. It's a pretty sweet gig. Laguna has me in charge of the office Disciplinary Committee. Which means I keep an eye on all these assholes and write them up if they start shit. (Seifer holds up a file box) I have, like, six hundred of these.
PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
Seifer: (pushes over Squall's neatly arranged stack of folders) Squall, your desk is a mess. That's a hazard to the rest of us that work here. I'm adding you to the list.
Squall: ...
BREAK ROOM
Personal Interview
Squall: Do I hate Seifer? You know, there are actually things I hate more than Seifer. Shoveling snow. Changing tires in heavy traffic. Talking about my feelings. But I guess you could say that the two of us have some issues to work out, sure.
PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
Laguna: (emerges from his private office) Whoa, Squall! Got quite a mess there!
Squall: (looks at camera with a frown)
Laguna: (pats Seifer on the shoulder) How ya doin' this morning, Mr. Assistant?
Seifer: The Assistant President is...
Laguna: Assistant TO the President...
Seifer: (grumbles, ignores Laguna's correction) I got laid last night
Laguna: (high fives Seifer) Dude, awesome. Check you later, I have to give the tour. (Laguna continues walking through the office until he arrives at the Reception desk) So here we have our receptionist, Miss Rinoa Heartilly. She's mostly here to answer phones and look hot. Hahahaha.
Rinoa: (offended)
Laguna: I'm just playing, you know me
BREAK ROOM
Personal Interview
Rinoa: No, he's not playing. But I get paid pretty well to sit here. Nobody really calls either. You'd think a country as big as Esthar would have a much stricter and well-managed political system. But nope. It's just one ongoing party and so long as Ultimecia stays away for a while, Laguna just... (she thinks for a second) Laguna's just Laguna.
PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
Laguna: But that's enough about Rinoa, since she really just sits and plays Triple Triad online all day, anyhow camera guy, let's continue our tour...
Rinoa: (embarrassed)
(Camera follows Laguna over to another desk where a guy is sleeping with his cowboy hat over his face)
Laguna: This guy is our intern. We're like, total best friends. Wake up, Kinneas. (Laguna tickles him) Wakey wakey!
Irvine: (jolting up in his seat) Dude! Seriously! What did I say about touching?!
Laguna: Hahaha, it's like one big happy family here. Come on, come on, keep the tour going!
Irvine: (shudders, but puts his hat back over his face and falls back asleep)
(Camera follows Laguna to the area where the other Security Reps have their desks in a cluster)
Laguna: Here's the fun bunch. And by fun I mean (whispers to camera, but everyone can hear) booooring!
Quistis and Xu: (glare)
Laguna: First, we have the one with the hot legs, Quistis. She's directly under Squall...hahahaha, that's what she said. Say hi to the camera crew Quistis!
Quistis: (hides her face) I have work to do
Laguna: And we have our little morsel of racial diversity Xu...
Xu: (horrified)
BREAK ROOM
Personal Interview
Xu: I could sue. Really. I could have his ass impeached for the stuff he says. But then I'd be out of a job, and with the world at peace, nobody's exactly hiring private security details.
Quistis: At least he doesn't talk about your legs.
PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
Laguna: And last and certainly the least hottest, we have Cid Kramer.
Cid: (reading a magazine)
Laguna: We had some complaints that we weren't hiring enough old fogeys, so we gave him a job. He kind of sucks at the whole security thing on account of being a bit chunky. You know, can't run any more and all that...
Cid: (looks up with a frown)
Laguna: (patting Cid on the shoulder) But every office needs the weird old guy, am I right?
Cid: (goes back to his magazine with a sigh)
Laguna: (waves) Come on, come on. Not close to done yet! Come along (Camera follows Laguna to another cluster of desks) Now this is really where the magic happens. These are my closest advisors, say hi you guys!
Ward: ...
Kiros: (doesn't look up) We're busy Laguna
Ellone: (embarrassed) Hi
Laguna: (ruffles Ellone's hair) I used to give this one baths.
Ellone: (bolts from her chair and runs to the bathroom)
Laguna: Not in a pedo way!
BREAK ROOM
Personal Interview
Kiros: I've known Laguna a long time. He means well, he does. It's just...how do I put it?
Ward: (scribbles something on a notepad)
Kiros: (reads Ward's note) Yeah, he's kind of cursed with verbal diarrhea.
PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
Laguna: (gestures wildly) C'mon back, c'mon back! (Laguna leads camera crew through break room to another set of cubicles) And here's where all the people stuff goes down.
Selphie: (claps hands excitedly) Oh my god, are they filming?
Zell: Dude, Selphie, check your email once and a while...
Laguna: That girl with the headset is Miss Selphie Tilmitt and she handles the HR stuff for the office. And she plays a mean hand of Triple Triad.
Selphie: Oh my god, hi! I just want to say hi to the folks in Trabia! I miss you guys. First, Shannon, seriously, have you dumped Robbie yet? Because he is totally wrong for you, and Saki, they have THE best facial cleanser at this one Esthar shop. You have to come here and-
Laguna: (gestures for camera to move) And we've got Zell. He's my PR man. Any official word out of my office comes through this guy here!
Zell: (gets hand stuck in desk drawer) Son of a bitch! Fuck! (continued string of curses)
Laguna: He's uh...got a temper sometimes. Uh, we're thinking of anger management but uh, the press releases always get out on time so...
Caraway: Are you going to introduce-
Laguna: And that's everyone important back here! (ushers the camera crew back out)
BREAK ROOM
Personal Interview
Caraway: Yeah, so I'm the ambassador from Galbadia. I don't know what's up Loire's ass, but he's never liked me. Look, we can't let Esthar keep all its secrets to itself any more. We learned that the hard way after 17 years without a peep. So I'm here to make sure everything's on the level. I don't really see why he's so mean to me.
LAGUNA'S OFFICE
Personal Interview
Laguna: Caraway is a dick
PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
Laguna: (claps hands) Come on, office buddies! Let's all gather around for a big group hug to start the day off right!
(Nobody leaves their desks)
Laguna: (goes to Irvine and starts giving him a backrub) Come on, Kinneas! Shake a leg! We're all friends! (Irvine looks uncomfortable)
Seifer: Mr. President!
Laguna: (tenses) Just a second, Seifer. We're one big happy office, not a problem in the world...
Seifer: Mr. President!!!
Laguna: Seifer, can you get back to-
Seifer: (holds up a giant platter) Leonhart stuck Hyperion in jello!
(It's true. The camera zooms closer to see Seifer's gunblade has been entirely encased in a mold of green jello)
Laguna: (frowning) Squall, is that true?
BREAK ROOM
Personal Interview
Squall: (hiding empty boxes of gelatin mix under interview chair) Why the hell would I be so petty? Seriously, I think Seifer's just looking for ways to get me in trouble now
PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
Seifer: Mr. President, can we put him before a firing squad for this?
Laguna: Whoa, wait!
Seifer: (starts digging gunblade out of jello, sending green globs of it flying everywhere) Come on, this is high treason!
Rinoa: Ugh, Seifer!
Seifer: (gets gunblade out and holds it to Squall's throat) FIRE CROSS YOU PANSY ASS BITCH! (clicks the trigger...nothing) FIRE...Fire...cross...
Squall: ...(smirk)
Everyone else: ...?!
BREAK ROOM
Personal Interview
Squall: So in some gunblade models, you can really jam up the gun barrel if you get enough moisture in there. Who knew?
PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
(Everyone is back to work, though some are visibly chuckling over the earlier altercation. The camera shows Rinoa answering a call while Squall watches her. Selphie and Zell are arguing about who stole Selphie's peanut butter sandwich. Quistis and Xu are actually working. Cid, Irvine, and Ward are sleeping. Kiros is playing solitaire while Ellone still hasn't emerged from the bathroom. Caraway sits alone in his cubicle.)
LAGUNA'S OFFICE
Personal Interview
Laguna: So really, it's quite the lively workplace. We work hard, we play hard. It's the best place in the world. I wouldn't trade it for all the thingies on a Ruby Dragon.
PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
(The camera shows Seifer angrily scrubbing his gunblade clean in the break room sink)
LAGUNA'S OFFICE
Personal Interview
Laguna: Wait, those are scales, right?
The President's Office in Esthar is not your ordinary political headquarters. President Loire fancies himself the "World's Greatest President" and his employees are more his pals than his underlings. Of course, they may not necessarily agree with him. Here is the first in a series of wacky, madcap adventures in a documentary-style.
Starring Laguna Loire as President Laguna Loire
Seifer as Assistant to the President Seifer Almasy
Squall as Lead Security Representative Squall Leonhart
Rinoa as President's Office Receptionist Rinoa Heartilly
Irvine as President's Office Intern Irvine Kinneas
With
Quistis as Security Representative Quistis Trepe
Xu as Security Representative Xu Xiucai
Cid as Security Representative Cid Kramer
Selphie as Human Resources Representative Selphie Tilmitt
Zell as Public Relations Representative Zell Dincht
Ellone as Presidential Advisor/Sorceress Liaison Ellone Loire
Ward as Presidential Advisor/Economy Ward Zabac
Kiros as Presidential Advisor/Foreign Relations Kiros Seagill
Edea as Edea Kramer, Owner, Edea's Ice Cream Shop
Raijin as Cousin Raijin, Roommate of Seifer Almasy
Fujin as Fujin, Roommate of Seifer Almasy, Employee, Edea's Ice Cream Shop
General Caraway as Galbadian Ambassador Caraway
And
Ultimecia as Continued Threat to Humanity, Sorceress Ultimecia
---
LAGUNA'S OFFICE
Personal Interview
Laguna: Look, see that mug there? *gestures to his desk* It says World's Best President on it. You know why? Because I am. I mean, you don't see people working for Vinzer Deling giving him mugs like this. I mean, of course, he died horribly. I mean, really horribly. Like, his organs were vaporized on the inside and his skin melted into a puddle of goo in front of a huge crowd, and before that he got stabbed with Edea's fingers. Her fingers!
But still. Nobody liked him. Nobody misses him. I'm just saying.
Click to viewLAGUNA'S OFFICE
Personal Interview
Laguna: So I just got elected for my fifth term in office. Can you believe that? You know, Esthar has never been more awesome since I got here, and it's really thanks to the great staff I've gathered around me.
(We pan through the PRESIDENT'S OFFICE, seeing Laguna's staff working diligently)
Laguna: There really are some great folks here. And you can tell, just really tell how thrilled they are to be here.
BREAK ROOM
Personal Interview
Squall: I hate it here. Every day I work for Laguna I'm one step closer to killing myself. I guess I get paid enough to be the Lead Security Representative, but it's just a job. I swear, if this was my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
Seifer: (enters the office, smiling big for the Receptionist and smacking Zell on the back of the head with a newspaper before sitting down at his desk, which is pushed right next to Squall's) Morning, bitches
Squall: ...
Seifer: (leans back in his chair) I got laid last night, who wants to hear about it?
Squall: (continues filling out paperwork)
Seifer: Hey Leonhart, bet you didn't get laid last night. Like I did. Because I had sex. A lot of sex. With a woman. And it was great.
BREAK ROOM
Personal Interview
Seifer: Yeah, I'm the Assistant President. It's a pretty sweet gig. Laguna has me in charge of the office Disciplinary Committee. Which means I keep an eye on all these assholes and write them up if they start shit. (Seifer holds up a file box) I have, like, six hundred of these.
PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
Seifer: (pushes over Squall's neatly arranged stack of folders) Squall, your desk is a mess. That's a hazard to the rest of us that work here. I'm adding you to the list.
Squall: ...
BREAK ROOM
Personal Interview
Squall: Do I hate Seifer? You know, there are actually things I hate more than Seifer. Shoveling snow. Changing tires in heavy traffic. Talking about my feelings. But I guess you could say that the two of us have some issues to work out, sure.
PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
Laguna: (emerges from his private office) Whoa, Squall! Got quite a mess there!
Squall: (looks at camera with a frown)
Laguna: (pats Seifer on the shoulder) How ya doin' this morning, Mr. Assistant?
Seifer: The Assistant President is...
Laguna: Assistant TO the President...
Seifer: (grumbles, ignores Laguna's correction) I got laid last night
Laguna: (high fives Seifer) Dude, awesome. Check you later, I have to give the tour. (Laguna continues walking through the office until he arrives at the Reception desk) So here we have our receptionist, Miss Rinoa Heartilly. She's mostly here to answer phones and look hot. Hahahaha.
Rinoa: (offended)
Laguna: I'm just playing, you know me
BREAK ROOM
Personal Interview
Rinoa: No, he's not playing. But I get paid pretty well to sit here. Nobody really calls either. You'd think a country as big as Esthar would have a much stricter and well-managed political system. But nope. It's just one ongoing party and so long as Ultimecia stays away for a while, Laguna just... (she thinks for a second) Laguna's just Laguna.
PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
Laguna: But that's enough about Rinoa, since she really just sits and plays Triple Triad online all day, anyhow camera guy, let's continue our tour...
Rinoa: (embarrassed)
(Camera follows Laguna over to another desk where a guy is sleeping with his cowboy hat over his face)
Laguna: This guy is our intern. We're like, total best friends. Wake up, Kinneas. (Laguna tickles him) Wakey wakey!
Irvine: (jolting up in his seat) Dude! Seriously! What did I say about touching?!
Laguna: Hahaha, it's like one big happy family here. Come on, come on, keep the tour going!
Irvine: (shudders, but puts his hat back over his face and falls back asleep)
(Camera follows Laguna to the area where the other Security Reps have their desks in a cluster)
Laguna: Here's the fun bunch. And by fun I mean (whispers to camera, but everyone can hear) booooring!
Quistis and Xu: (glare)
Laguna: First, we have the one with the hot legs, Quistis. She's directly under Squall...hahahaha, that's what she said. Say hi to the camera crew Quistis!
Quistis: (hides her face) I have work to do
Laguna: And we have our little morsel of racial diversity Xu...
Xu: (horrified)
BREAK ROOM
Personal Interview
Xu: I could sue. Really. I could have his ass impeached for the stuff he says. But then I'd be out of a job, and with the world at peace, nobody's exactly hiring private security details.
Quistis: At least he doesn't talk about your legs.
PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
Laguna: And last and certainly the least hottest, we have Cid Kramer.
Cid: (reading a magazine)
Laguna: We had some complaints that we weren't hiring enough old fogeys, so we gave him a job. He kind of sucks at the whole security thing on account of being a bit chunky. You know, can't run any more and all that...
Cid: (looks up with a frown)
Laguna: (patting Cid on the shoulder) But every office needs the weird old guy, am I right?
Cid: (goes back to his magazine with a sigh)
Laguna: (waves) Come on, come on. Not close to done yet! Come along (Camera follows Laguna to another cluster of desks) Now this is really where the magic happens. These are my closest advisors, say hi you guys!
Ward: ...
Kiros: (doesn't look up) We're busy Laguna
Ellone: (embarrassed) Hi
Laguna: (ruffles Ellone's hair) I used to give this one baths.
Ellone: (bolts from her chair and runs to the bathroom)
Laguna: Not in a pedo way!
BREAK ROOM
Personal Interview
Kiros: I've known Laguna a long time. He means well, he does. It's just...how do I put it?
Ward: (scribbles something on a notepad)
Kiros: (reads Ward's note) Yeah, he's kind of cursed with verbal diarrhea.
PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
Laguna: (gestures wildly) C'mon back, c'mon back! (Laguna leads camera crew through break room to another set of cubicles) And here's where all the people stuff goes down.
Selphie: (claps hands excitedly) Oh my god, are they filming?
Zell: Dude, Selphie, check your email once and a while...
Laguna: That girl with the headset is Miss Selphie Tilmitt and she handles the HR stuff for the office. And she plays a mean hand of Triple Triad.
Selphie: Oh my god, hi! I just want to say hi to the folks in Trabia! I miss you guys. First, Shannon, seriously, have you dumped Robbie yet? Because he is totally wrong for you, and Saki, they have THE best facial cleanser at this one Esthar shop. You have to come here and-
Laguna: (gestures for camera to move) And we've got Zell. He's my PR man. Any official word out of my office comes through this guy here!
Zell: (gets hand stuck in desk drawer) Son of a bitch! Fuck! (continued string of curses)
Laguna: He's uh...got a temper sometimes. Uh, we're thinking of anger management but uh, the press releases always get out on time so...
Caraway: Are you going to introduce-
Laguna: And that's everyone important back here! (ushers the camera crew back out)
BREAK ROOM
Personal Interview
Caraway: Yeah, so I'm the ambassador from Galbadia. I don't know what's up Loire's ass, but he's never liked me. Look, we can't let Esthar keep all its secrets to itself any more. We learned that the hard way after 17 years without a peep. So I'm here to make sure everything's on the level. I don't really see why he's so mean to me.
LAGUNA'S OFFICE
Personal Interview
Laguna: Caraway is a dick
PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
Laguna: (claps hands) Come on, office buddies! Let's all gather around for a big group hug to start the day off right!
(Nobody leaves their desks)
Laguna: (goes to Irvine and starts giving him a backrub) Come on, Kinneas! Shake a leg! We're all friends! (Irvine looks uncomfortable)
Seifer: Mr. President!
Laguna: (tenses) Just a second, Seifer. We're one big happy office, not a problem in the world...
Seifer: Mr. President!!!
Laguna: Seifer, can you get back to-
Seifer: (holds up a giant platter) Leonhart stuck Hyperion in jello!
(It's true. The camera zooms closer to see Seifer's gunblade has been entirely encased in a mold of green jello)
Laguna: (frowning) Squall, is that true?
BREAK ROOM
Personal Interview
Squall: (hiding empty boxes of gelatin mix under interview chair) Why the hell would I be so petty? Seriously, I think Seifer's just looking for ways to get me in trouble now
PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
Seifer: Mr. President, can we put him before a firing squad for this?
Laguna: Whoa, wait!
Seifer: (starts digging gunblade out of jello, sending green globs of it flying everywhere) Come on, this is high treason!
Rinoa: Ugh, Seifer!
Seifer: (gets gunblade out and holds it to Squall's throat) FIRE CROSS YOU PANSY ASS BITCH! (clicks the trigger...nothing) FIRE...Fire...cross...
Squall: ...(smirk)
Everyone else: ...?!
BREAK ROOM
Personal Interview
Squall: So in some gunblade models, you can really jam up the gun barrel if you get enough moisture in there. Who knew?
PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
(Everyone is back to work, though some are visibly chuckling over the earlier altercation. The camera shows Rinoa answering a call while Squall watches her. Selphie and Zell are arguing about who stole Selphie's peanut butter sandwich. Quistis and Xu are actually working. Cid, Irvine, and Ward are sleeping. Kiros is playing solitaire while Ellone still hasn't emerged from the bathroom. Caraway sits alone in his cubicle.)
LAGUNA'S OFFICE
Personal Interview
Laguna: So really, it's quite the lively workplace. We work hard, we play hard. It's the best place in the world. I wouldn't trade it for all the thingies on a Ruby Dragon.
PRESIDENT'S OFFICE
(The camera shows Seifer angrily scrubbing his gunblade clean in the break room sink)
LAGUNA'S OFFICE
Personal Interview
Laguna: Wait, those are scales, right?
