(no subject)
I never could have imagined how much it broke my heart to see her cry. I think mostly b/c i could relate to what it was like to be so unhappy with your life that you are just lost and you purposely do things to fuck it up, and you dont even realize it. IM at that point in my life. I know one thing, im happy to be home. I was putting my clothes away today and i just started crying. Crying b/c if my dad only knew the real me he'd be so much more dissapointed than he already is, and inside he is such a kind man. I wish i could change. So much. I wish i wasn't me for a second. I wish i could tell him how i felt, how if it wasn't for him my life would be more unrecongnizable than it already is. Does he know what he's done for me? Or does he just see everything he's done as financial help? I wish i could jsut sit down and cry and tell him that im sorry b/c i should be so much more having the support of someone that loves me so much. Only sometimes i forgett about that love. Sometimes its just cold in here.
Im just going to ramble here today.
In every relationship i have right now i have feel like i have some sort of serious chaos going on with that person. April/Tina.......Thats just a constant battle, but at the same time i cant bare to lose someone that cares for me so much. I need that in my life but i want it so bad to just be on a friendship bases. And it is on my part. And i want so bad to love her the same way, i do, b/c i believe that if i did i could be so happy, but it just isn't there. Go fucking figure....i find someone who treats me the way i have to be treated and i just dont feel the same. Of course. It would happen that way.
April/Kat
Dude. I cant wait till you get here. But will you really get here? You've said it so many times. And its just false hope on my part, and when you do get here, what will it be like, i pretty much was sure that i'd never see you again.
April/Dad
see above.
April/D.
After all this time i still dont get it, and i still dont understand why i still miss you and i hate HATE myself for it. And i still cant understand what i did wrong. You gave me more happiness than anyone ever did but you were so quick to take it away and i still deal with it everyday. I feel like such a fuckign dumbass.
April/Jenn
I just want you back in my life forever. I still feel like i've lost my best friend. I'll never find anyone to replace you and i worry about you everyday. Im still mad at you b/c you left. You took so much of me with you but i can never explain how much i fucking love you.
April/Candace
I dont know even know you anymore. I never thought NEVER thought it would be like this for us. Its so depressing.
Dana......i cant even begin.
And jess.....we will work things out.
This entry was ridiculous. :)
I have to get things out some way.
Im just going to ramble here today.
In every relationship i have right now i have feel like i have some sort of serious chaos going on with that person. April/Tina.......Thats just a constant battle, but at the same time i cant bare to lose someone that cares for me so much. I need that in my life but i want it so bad to just be on a friendship bases. And it is on my part. And i want so bad to love her the same way, i do, b/c i believe that if i did i could be so happy, but it just isn't there. Go fucking figure....i find someone who treats me the way i have to be treated and i just dont feel the same. Of course. It would happen that way.
April/Kat
Dude. I cant wait till you get here. But will you really get here? You've said it so many times. And its just false hope on my part, and when you do get here, what will it be like, i pretty much was sure that i'd never see you again.
April/Dad
see above.
April/D.
After all this time i still dont get it, and i still dont understand why i still miss you and i hate HATE myself for it. And i still cant understand what i did wrong. You gave me more happiness than anyone ever did but you were so quick to take it away and i still deal with it everyday. I feel like such a fuckign dumbass.
April/Jenn
I just want you back in my life forever. I still feel like i've lost my best friend. I'll never find anyone to replace you and i worry about you everyday. Im still mad at you b/c you left. You took so much of me with you but i can never explain how much i fucking love you.
April/Candace
I dont know even know you anymore. I never thought NEVER thought it would be like this for us. Its so depressing.
Dana......i cant even begin.
And jess.....we will work things out.
This entry was ridiculous. :)
I have to get things out some way.