Strike Two......No Andrew!
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! that's what my brain has been screaming at me for the past thirty minutes, along with "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SELF-SABOTAGE?!?!" *sighs* so.... today was great, went to school, came to hang with Melissa and do homework, went to a meeting, and then......the trouble....I went out for Dollar Ice Cream at baskin robbins. It starts out innocent enough, just me, Melissa and Jen standing in a line that's out the door with the rest of the davisians, waiting for that tantalizing frozen creme treat. Everything is grand, we’re talking about boys, Sexuality, seducing TA’s, our usually thrill stories. And suddenly this girl from the Parlor tells everyone that the doors will be closing at ten and that we all need to fit ourselves smugly inside the building if we want to get the dollar discount. So we all huddle inside and I look up...and looking back is this gorgeous guy. I noticed him before he looked at me from behind, because he seemed to be talking flirtatiously with with cute guy standing in front of him...None of this phased me, especially because I was talking candidly to my friend’s about sex and guys behind them. But the moment the gorgeous guy turned around I recognized him! It was Andrew, this hottie that I had met at my beauticians shop early last summer, who was getting his hair braided before he decided to cut it. I saw him looking at me with a smile so I just smiled back and nodded at him. Jen and I exchanged knowing looks and talked in secret about what was going on. Suddenly he turns around and says that my hair is still the same and asked if I remembered him from the shop that day. I told him that I did and we talked for a while in a way that I thought was somewhat flirty. Normally I would have taken full advantage of the situation, it was somewhat obvious this time that he was into guys since he was awfully friendly with his “friend” but I felt awkward because they seemed to be on a date. I asked him so questions about school and found out he is on my campus the same day as me and at the extension on opposite days. It didn’t seem like his friend was too happy with us talking for a prolonged period of time, which I felt strange about, but just as that feeling began to rise he started talking actively with Melissa which was good. The encounter wasn’t bad, it was just odd timing for me. What it forced me to look at is some of my self-sabotaging behaviors. When I first me this guy a few months back I liked him, we spent the whole time at the beauticians shop hanging out and talking, before, during, and for a little while after my hair was being done. It was great and I felt like he was flirting with me and wanted me to ask him for his number. All the signs were there that he wanted to possibly hang out, but I convinced myself that there was no way he would want to hang out with me, that he was just some straight guy who was fascinated by my hair(like that within itself makes any sense) and so I dismissed the idea and walked out without getting his number, even though I really wanted to. I remember calling Melissa after I left that day telling her that I met this incredible guy who I flirted with and who went to Davis and was a massage therapy major and had incredible hair. I left that day expecting to never ever run into him, then I come to the small town of Davis and BOOM! There he is. The thing isn’t so much that I saw him, I enjoyed seeing him again to be honest....it was an pleasant surprise because we connected so well the first time. The thing that I’m obsessing over is that I always psyche myself out of getting what I want and what I can not only want but have. I could have gotten his phone number that day, and I could have made something happen, for better or worse I had an opportunity to hook up with him and I didn’t take it because I was scared he wouldn’t like me, even though all the indicators pointed to the contrary. I always do this. I always tell myself that someone I like could never like me, even though my track record shows that I’ve gotten everyone I ever wanted to have a fling with even though they may have believed themselves to be straight, committed or not interested when I first took interest. So why then when I meet someone that I have a potential to have more with, do I shy away from the opportunity to really get to know them? And tell myself that it’s impossible, that im delusional if I think anything otherwise? I’m just so tired of selling myself short. And I’m going to actively seek not to do this any more. I know I can’t date for a while until I finish my program for self-maintenance, but after that the kiddy gloves of protection are coming off and being thrown into the incinerator. I deserve to be happy with a person of my choosing, and I will no longer settle for less than my value. Seeing this guy tonight really brought that aspect of myself to my attention, and I believe I can improve upon myself in that area. So as for Andrew It’s Strike number two. But If I ever get a pitch number Three, I’ll Take him to home plate with me.