SYSTEM FAILURE... WARNING!

[lunareklypse]

It never fails. Never. Everytime I sort of get involved with a guy i start going into hyper drive. No not like normal girls who obsess about the guy. No I become like a efficient, overloading, pro-active, crazy, supper chick. Everytime! I become fucking restless, i start doing too much. C came over tonight, which was great. He invited me to come sleep (yes actually sleep) at his place once i was done studying. oh and baby, i can feel myself start to go into overdrive. My head starts racing, planning obsesively, about classes, shit i want to do, need to accomplish, how to get to where im going, planning my future, etc. etc. Its like all of a sudden i feel like im running out of time! And like all the other times before, I will one) burn my self out 2) alianate the person im with 3) alianate my friends. Thats what happened durring high school! Its why i had enough credits to graduate from two high schools! Its why I climbed up the chain of command at the explorers. I get obsesive about my jobs. And i could tell i was doing it tonight. Fuck, I start to intimidate people. The normal relaxed Laura switches to power mode and i become an anal retentive gotta do as much as i possible can bitch. I noticed it in rehearsal today, I become bitcher, less patient, defensive, easily irritated because i feel like there is something in the way. I try to keep a leash it but sometimes stuff just slips out. And I feel fake if i pretend to be like the normal Laura. I hate that! Its me but not really. Its scary almost because i feel like i lose control over my emotions, which are sometimes truly just plainly ambitious. I try my damndest not to be, but i cant seem to help it. Its like I have a split personality. The two are so obvious to me I could almost give my alter ego a name. Maybe thats what i'll use my new found middle name for. Alexandria. The funny thing is that it makes sence really. As Laura I am very laid back, accepting of everything, have a hard time getting angry, more insecure, takes care of everyone (well, mainly my mom thats were i learned it) etc. But as Alex that all goes away. But Laura is still in the back of my mind saying Holy fuck! That was mean! or injecting insecurities. I think that Alex is the part of me that is missing in daily life, mainly because i want everyone to like me all the time. And for some reason men bring that part out in me. But its so suppresed that it just jumps out and doesnt stop. I wish i knew how to mix the two, because i think that would lead to a happier more truthful me. But i have no idea how.
I have issues... But fuck i might as well put them out there. It makes me hard yet volitile inside.

Back to Studying... Cause i have an exam tomorow and im wound so tight i cant sleep.