Pass You By
I've been letting my IPOD song list just play. A very eclectic list I must say, Gothic melodies being followed by gangsta rap, or preceded by Happy Hardcore and some select pop.
One song, I just finished listening to is "Pass You By" by Boyz II Men. The song is about a girl who's in a abusive relationship. The chorus goes like this
Don't have to stay with someone
That makes you cry
You'll end up killing all the love you have inside
Can't hope to see the sun
If you don't open your eyes
Girl don't let real love pass you by
While I'm not in an abusive relationship (call it how you want), I'd be lying if
that chorus didn't make me stop and think about a few things, not just my relationship, but friends, family, life in general.
I know that I have a lot of issues stuck in me, through years of family abuse, friend abandonment, ups and downs of life, general depression. I know that a therapist could make a mint
off me. I'd be in it forever.
I got married young, at nineteen, but I RAN from home into the Army (BIG MISTAKE. If I could do it over again, I just go into the streets. It would have been better for me). I took the first opportunity to leave. When people know me right now, now how Andrew and I don't have any money or whatever, and making the joking remark of "You could always move back home", they don't realize that I'm not joking. I will not, under any circumstances, move in with family. I refuse. Mark my words, I'd be homeless (again), prostituting myself on the streets of Wilmington or Philly before I even consider the ideal of moving home. I am the super black sheep of my family. I'm the weirdo loser freak and they all know it. God, just bringing Hongmi to a park with them started questioning if I was now a lesbian (because who has a female roommate these days???). I don't ask for help. Right now, help would probably do us real good, but what are we doing? Living on pretty much nothing rather than go to them. And that's both sides, his and mine.
so what does that have to do with anything?
As I'm listening to the song, I see how I've been letting my love for life die. I'm not seeing what is really making me happy. I'm not. I'm so surrounded by hate that whatever is around that would do me well is blocked out.
I'm not saying that a perfect, always happy existence is attainable, no, I know that. But the less hurt and pain that I have to deal with, the more I'll want to keep on living. Peter's suicide last year affirmed that for me.
It's hard to let go. It is. Let go of what we are familiar with. Even though we know it's hurting us, we can't make a clean break. Even with material objects, it's the same way. It's getting easier for me to do so. Most of me wants to eliminate 3/4 of what I own before we do move, and knowing myself I probably will. It's easier than eliminating friends, I'll tell you that.
I want to see my sun (moon, whatever) again. I don't mind being so strange in people's eye. If people think I'm a witch and leave me alone, that's cool. I'm not going to pretend to be so well adjusted when I'm not. If I have black walls, red candles and naked people painted on my walls, then I will ( and ignoring the "Oh no! Satanists!!! that is surely to come up again).
~Lunar
One song, I just finished listening to is "Pass You By" by Boyz II Men. The song is about a girl who's in a abusive relationship. The chorus goes like this
Don't have to stay with someone
That makes you cry
You'll end up killing all the love you have inside
Can't hope to see the sun
If you don't open your eyes
Girl don't let real love pass you by
While I'm not in an abusive relationship (call it how you want), I'd be lying if
that chorus didn't make me stop and think about a few things, not just my relationship, but friends, family, life in general.
I know that I have a lot of issues stuck in me, through years of family abuse, friend abandonment, ups and downs of life, general depression. I know that a therapist could make a mint
off me. I'd be in it forever.
I got married young, at nineteen, but I RAN from home into the Army (BIG MISTAKE. If I could do it over again, I just go into the streets. It would have been better for me). I took the first opportunity to leave. When people know me right now, now how Andrew and I don't have any money or whatever, and making the joking remark of "You could always move back home", they don't realize that I'm not joking. I will not, under any circumstances, move in with family. I refuse. Mark my words, I'd be homeless (again), prostituting myself on the streets of Wilmington or Philly before I even consider the ideal of moving home. I am the super black sheep of my family. I'm the weirdo loser freak and they all know it. God, just bringing Hongmi to a park with them started questioning if I was now a lesbian (because who has a female roommate these days???). I don't ask for help. Right now, help would probably do us real good, but what are we doing? Living on pretty much nothing rather than go to them. And that's both sides, his and mine.
so what does that have to do with anything?
As I'm listening to the song, I see how I've been letting my love for life die. I'm not seeing what is really making me happy. I'm not. I'm so surrounded by hate that whatever is around that would do me well is blocked out.
I'm not saying that a perfect, always happy existence is attainable, no, I know that. But the less hurt and pain that I have to deal with, the more I'll want to keep on living. Peter's suicide last year affirmed that for me.
It's hard to let go. It is. Let go of what we are familiar with. Even though we know it's hurting us, we can't make a clean break. Even with material objects, it's the same way. It's getting easier for me to do so. Most of me wants to eliminate 3/4 of what I own before we do move, and knowing myself I probably will. It's easier than eliminating friends, I'll tell you that.
I want to see my sun (moon, whatever) again. I don't mind being so strange in people's eye. If people think I'm a witch and leave me alone, that's cool. I'm not going to pretend to be so well adjusted when I'm not. If I have black walls, red candles and naked people painted on my walls, then I will ( and ignoring the "Oh no! Satanists!!! that is surely to come up again).
~Lunar