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Fandom
I've been hanging out at the Janime forums way too much lately, trying to rack up enough of a postcount to access the download archives. But I've been trying to have fun doing it, and finally, finally I think I'm making some virtual friends.
Oh, socially competent I am NOT. But there're some cool people on the forums, though most are younger than me. >_< I'm way too old for this fandom.
Ah well. Better Yugioh than Pokemon --because there is very little in the way of Pokemon subtext that's worth playing with.
Speaking of fandoms....this is a site to behold (pun intended). Amazing chronicle of some long-term drama in the Harry Potter fandom. Enjoyable if long read. ^_^
Still trying to download the SessxInu doujin. Megaupload is bloody weird. A week ago, the limit for Taiwan was 1400 users on weekdays, 2400 on weekends (yes, this limit SUCKS); now the weekday limit is 400. Um. Missing a thousand-place there. IKJHUIFSIhdkjfhdshgiogdiofgARGH!
Serious stuff
I'm in limbo. I should be searching for a job, should be trying to figure out a goal, any goal, to aim for, no matter how changeable; I should be writing, should be drawing; should be spending time in Taipei exploring, should be trying to broaden myself with books and knowledge and power.
Instead I'm in limbo. I don't do anything.
Except sometimes at night, when I think. I think about how once I get a job, that's it, I'm independent and no longer a part of the core family unit. My brother and my sister will no longer have the common tie of 'school' with me, and I will be standing alone, for all the support I do receive from everyone. As much as I like alone-time, I don't like being alone. I fear loneliness almost as much as I fear death.
I think about how once I move, this room which was never truly my room but a storage room for the family (baking goods and old magazines and an old ottoman) will never, ever be my room. If I leave now, that's it. I lose the window of time to create my own space in this family.
I think about how perhaps I never had any space in this family. I've always been the odd one out, hanging out with my autistic cousin more than anyone else. I stay in my room away from people and like it that way. But staying overseas in the States...I've long since lost the natural shape I should fit into.
I think about how painful it is to try to carve out a space with relation to everyone else.
I think about how my dad is impatient with me; a butt-kicking is never far in his mind, I gather. And my mom jumps onto every 'maybe' I say as though it's a 'definite,' but she's always done that. In the second grade I once casually commented after seeing a documentary on dolphins on TV that maybe I'd like to be a marine biologist. For a good two or three years after, during which my goal changed several more times to be a writer, artist, and then comic artist, that she pushed science on me, always telling people how I was going to grow up to be a marine biologist.
I think about how uncomfortable I am that now, when I've finally conceded to myself I will never be a mangaka, is when she finally 'supports' me becoming a mangaka. I get questions every day on what I'm working on, where I'll submit it, how much money I can get for 'it' if I sell it, when I have nothing to show. If she had been supportive all along, maybe...maybe I could have gone ahead and grown and done something worth sharing with the world. But only after I've decided to give up does she pour in energy into nagging and support.
I think about how terrifying it was to talk to God the other day...and how quickly I shut down the connection I felt. I also think about how stupid it is to fear something I've been searching for for years, and how foolish a being I am for always getting in my own way. The connection has remained closed since then, just as I wanted. Stupid me.
I think about how my writing has declined along with my drawings, and how the words I type out when I try to start any one of my fanfics or original fictions all appear jumbled and clumsy and just laughably not right.
I think about how I expected things to turn out, about how I figured I'd be married by now and have a person to call family all my own. Either that, or I'd be kidnapped by aliens, fight a war, or go insane in a padded box. Instead, I'm....here. At a desk in a room that's not mine with nothing special to call my own.
I think about how lost I am, and how much I wish I had a home to go and be safe in.
And then most terrifying of all, I think and concede that the next place I call home will have to be of my own creation, separate from family and friends, school and peers. It's going to have to be my own choice and my own ideas and my own responsibility.
Tanya once asked me if I felt like an adult. I said not really. She commented that once you stop listening to your parents and make your own decisions, then you're an adult.
I'm clearly still not an adult. But I'm too old to be a kid anymore.
I've been hanging out at the Janime forums way too much lately, trying to rack up enough of a postcount to access the download archives. But I've been trying to have fun doing it, and finally, finally I think I'm making some virtual friends.
Oh, socially competent I am NOT. But there're some cool people on the forums, though most are younger than me. >_< I'm way too old for this fandom.
Ah well. Better Yugioh than Pokemon --because there is very little in the way of Pokemon subtext that's worth playing with.
Speaking of fandoms....this is a site to behold (pun intended). Amazing chronicle of some long-term drama in the Harry Potter fandom. Enjoyable if long read. ^_^
Still trying to download the SessxInu doujin. Megaupload is bloody weird. A week ago, the limit for Taiwan was 1400 users on weekdays, 2400 on weekends (yes, this limit SUCKS); now the weekday limit is 400. Um. Missing a thousand-place there. IKJHUIFSIhdkjfhdshgiogdiofgARGH!
Serious stuff
I'm in limbo. I should be searching for a job, should be trying to figure out a goal, any goal, to aim for, no matter how changeable; I should be writing, should be drawing; should be spending time in Taipei exploring, should be trying to broaden myself with books and knowledge and power.
Instead I'm in limbo. I don't do anything.
Except sometimes at night, when I think. I think about how once I get a job, that's it, I'm independent and no longer a part of the core family unit. My brother and my sister will no longer have the common tie of 'school' with me, and I will be standing alone, for all the support I do receive from everyone. As much as I like alone-time, I don't like being alone. I fear loneliness almost as much as I fear death.
I think about how once I move, this room which was never truly my room but a storage room for the family (baking goods and old magazines and an old ottoman) will never, ever be my room. If I leave now, that's it. I lose the window of time to create my own space in this family.
I think about how perhaps I never had any space in this family. I've always been the odd one out, hanging out with my autistic cousin more than anyone else. I stay in my room away from people and like it that way. But staying overseas in the States...I've long since lost the natural shape I should fit into.
I think about how painful it is to try to carve out a space with relation to everyone else.
I think about how my dad is impatient with me; a butt-kicking is never far in his mind, I gather. And my mom jumps onto every 'maybe' I say as though it's a 'definite,' but she's always done that. In the second grade I once casually commented after seeing a documentary on dolphins on TV that maybe I'd like to be a marine biologist. For a good two or three years after, during which my goal changed several more times to be a writer, artist, and then comic artist, that she pushed science on me, always telling people how I was going to grow up to be a marine biologist.
I think about how uncomfortable I am that now, when I've finally conceded to myself I will never be a mangaka, is when she finally 'supports' me becoming a mangaka. I get questions every day on what I'm working on, where I'll submit it, how much money I can get for 'it' if I sell it, when I have nothing to show. If she had been supportive all along, maybe...maybe I could have gone ahead and grown and done something worth sharing with the world. But only after I've decided to give up does she pour in energy into nagging and support.
I think about how terrifying it was to talk to God the other day...and how quickly I shut down the connection I felt. I also think about how stupid it is to fear something I've been searching for for years, and how foolish a being I am for always getting in my own way. The connection has remained closed since then, just as I wanted. Stupid me.
I think about how my writing has declined along with my drawings, and how the words I type out when I try to start any one of my fanfics or original fictions all appear jumbled and clumsy and just laughably not right.
I think about how I expected things to turn out, about how I figured I'd be married by now and have a person to call family all my own. Either that, or I'd be kidnapped by aliens, fight a war, or go insane in a padded box. Instead, I'm....here. At a desk in a room that's not mine with nothing special to call my own.
I think about how lost I am, and how much I wish I had a home to go and be safe in.
And then most terrifying of all, I think and concede that the next place I call home will have to be of my own creation, separate from family and friends, school and peers. It's going to have to be my own choice and my own ideas and my own responsibility.
Tanya once asked me if I felt like an adult. I said not really. She commented that once you stop listening to your parents and make your own decisions, then you're an adult.
I'm clearly still not an adult. But I'm too old to be a kid anymore.