(no subject)
I found some absolutely amazing Death Note L x Raito doujin dls. I also now have all 5 FMA 'Bean' doujin scanlations.
Also downloaded a buttload of yaoi scanlations.
Anyone who wants a character spliced with Chii's underpants should check out the available samples here and then sail on over to pantsu_icons with an image of your choice.
catatonicia, terremotia mentioned today that she would probably start stalking you via LJ, and would love for all three of us to hang out at graduation.
I'm stressed out of my mind by all the work that needs to be done and all the decisions I have to make, but the past week and a few sessions with various friends to reevaluate myself (as I do every few months or so) has made me realize a few things:
1) I can't pretend to be the good Asian daughter anymore. It hurts to playact all the time with my mom and I don't have the strength to keep it up for long periods of time. I was an embarrassment of a teenager, being all rebellious American in front of relatives, but I can't change that nor can I really make up for it. I can't pull off being American, either, but that's largely because the general definition of such is 'willfully ignorant' when there even is a definition for American characteristics.
2) I'm increasingly more 'myself' in more and more situations, in public and in private. As Mistlethrush mentioned, I speak more the way I think now. I have catatonicia to thank in large part for this, as being with someone who does not require me to explain in painful detail how my mind works reassures me that I'm not as bizarre as I fear and not as naturally alienated as I expect. I don't need to defend myself or my thoughts with her, and for once in my life I'm not alone in my thought processes. The constant positive reinforcement has caused a rather sharp boost in confidence in my mental faculties.
3) As a result of #'s 1 and 2, there is going to be a massive adjustment period with my family. terremotia is of the opinion that my dad will be proud of me. Opinions among my friends vary on how well my mom will adjust to my rediscovered self, and how painful it's going to be for me. Drama llama summer? Or simply quiet fizzle? Tune in next month!
4) People actually care for me beyond a sense of duty or obligation, and there's no ulterior motive behind that. I pondered early on in my friendship with Joelle that perhaps it was a narcissistic thing, in that I liked her simply because she was so much like me. ('Course, she flipped me on my head by asking,"So, do I like you because you're like me?" I rejected that and the entire theory because only I'm allowed to be narcissistic if at all.) Because if I like her for being like me, then the natural progression is that I like me. And if I can like me, then there's no reason to doubt anyone else would. This includes adults; Joelle's parents like me, and take no offense to the way I speak or what I say. Nina finds me amusing and smart. I'm not a dumbass kid in their eyes, which is extraordinary.
5) For some reason, even though people think I would kick their asses, people who want to be abused in a sadomasochistic fashion stay far, far away from me. Whereas Joelle gets hit on all the time by people who want their asses kicked. If called upon, I can be dominant. But mostly I'd be a sub. Except when I have props. Which leads to the correlary (5a).
5a) I'm able to transform my personality based on props. Toss a tiara on me, I'm a queen. Put me in a frilly skirt, I'm a Pretty Pretty Princess(TM). Stick me in a pair of heeled boots, and I will kick your ass. Prop sunglasses on my head, and I'm a diva. Add some extra bling bling and I'm a sexy city girl. XD
6) I will not fit into Taiwan very well. The cracks were starting to show when I went out with Wei Ting and my brother and Wei Ting would occasionally have this expression on his face that indicated a fundamental incomprehension of how and why I behave the way I do; he couldn't chalk it up to me simply being American. Going out with my mom, I'd constantly be told to quiet down and stop being so loud because people were staring. It's not the loudness that draw attention, it's me. I don't think I'm particularly louder than anyone else, but the tone of my voice carries and my subject matter is, well, fun.
7) For all that, I still don't like attention. Today the two Asian guys at the table behind Tanya kept staring at me and/or listening to our conversation. A few random girls in the sorority have been trying to shine a spotlight on me for a couple years. My office regularly compliments me on my work. And it makes me nervous, because I always screw up after the compliments. I'm still not sure how to fix it so that compliments don't throw me entirely off my stride, but I figure one day I'll sort it out.
8) I doubt I can summon up the same type of fury of which I was once capable. I've mellowed out a lot in the past few years. Part of that is me choosing my battles more wisely. Part of that is me not giving a shit anymore. And part of it is fewer things really and truly bother me.
9) I will miss a great many people beyond what I'd originally expected and anticipated once I graduate.
10) I am most creative under pressure from other things. Ergo, being at home this summer ought to boost creative output leik!WHOA.
Also downloaded a buttload of yaoi scanlations.
Anyone who wants a character spliced with Chii's underpants should check out the available samples here and then sail on over to pantsu_icons with an image of your choice.
catatonicia, terremotia mentioned today that she would probably start stalking you via LJ, and would love for all three of us to hang out at graduation.
I'm stressed out of my mind by all the work that needs to be done and all the decisions I have to make, but the past week and a few sessions with various friends to reevaluate myself (as I do every few months or so) has made me realize a few things:
1) I can't pretend to be the good Asian daughter anymore. It hurts to playact all the time with my mom and I don't have the strength to keep it up for long periods of time. I was an embarrassment of a teenager, being all rebellious American in front of relatives, but I can't change that nor can I really make up for it. I can't pull off being American, either, but that's largely because the general definition of such is 'willfully ignorant' when there even is a definition for American characteristics.
2) I'm increasingly more 'myself' in more and more situations, in public and in private. As Mistlethrush mentioned, I speak more the way I think now. I have catatonicia to thank in large part for this, as being with someone who does not require me to explain in painful detail how my mind works reassures me that I'm not as bizarre as I fear and not as naturally alienated as I expect. I don't need to defend myself or my thoughts with her, and for once in my life I'm not alone in my thought processes. The constant positive reinforcement has caused a rather sharp boost in confidence in my mental faculties.
3) As a result of #'s 1 and 2, there is going to be a massive adjustment period with my family. terremotia is of the opinion that my dad will be proud of me. Opinions among my friends vary on how well my mom will adjust to my rediscovered self, and how painful it's going to be for me. Drama llama summer? Or simply quiet fizzle? Tune in next month!
4) People actually care for me beyond a sense of duty or obligation, and there's no ulterior motive behind that. I pondered early on in my friendship with Joelle that perhaps it was a narcissistic thing, in that I liked her simply because she was so much like me. ('Course, she flipped me on my head by asking,"So, do I like you because you're like me?" I rejected that and the entire theory because only I'm allowed to be narcissistic if at all.) Because if I like her for being like me, then the natural progression is that I like me. And if I can like me, then there's no reason to doubt anyone else would. This includes adults; Joelle's parents like me, and take no offense to the way I speak or what I say. Nina finds me amusing and smart. I'm not a dumbass kid in their eyes, which is extraordinary.
5) For some reason, even though people think I would kick their asses, people who want to be abused in a sadomasochistic fashion stay far, far away from me. Whereas Joelle gets hit on all the time by people who want their asses kicked. If called upon, I can be dominant. But mostly I'd be a sub. Except when I have props. Which leads to the correlary (5a).
5a) I'm able to transform my personality based on props. Toss a tiara on me, I'm a queen. Put me in a frilly skirt, I'm a Pretty Pretty Princess(TM). Stick me in a pair of heeled boots, and I will kick your ass. Prop sunglasses on my head, and I'm a diva. Add some extra bling bling and I'm a sexy city girl. XD
6) I will not fit into Taiwan very well. The cracks were starting to show when I went out with Wei Ting and my brother and Wei Ting would occasionally have this expression on his face that indicated a fundamental incomprehension of how and why I behave the way I do; he couldn't chalk it up to me simply being American. Going out with my mom, I'd constantly be told to quiet down and stop being so loud because people were staring. It's not the loudness that draw attention, it's me. I don't think I'm particularly louder than anyone else, but the tone of my voice carries and my subject matter is, well, fun.
7) For all that, I still don't like attention. Today the two Asian guys at the table behind Tanya kept staring at me and/or listening to our conversation. A few random girls in the sorority have been trying to shine a spotlight on me for a couple years. My office regularly compliments me on my work. And it makes me nervous, because I always screw up after the compliments. I'm still not sure how to fix it so that compliments don't throw me entirely off my stride, but I figure one day I'll sort it out.
8) I doubt I can summon up the same type of fury of which I was once capable. I've mellowed out a lot in the past few years. Part of that is me choosing my battles more wisely. Part of that is me not giving a shit anymore. And part of it is fewer things really and truly bother me.
9) I will miss a great many people beyond what I'd originally expected and anticipated once I graduate.
10) I am most creative under pressure from other things. Ergo, being at home this summer ought to boost creative output leik!WHOA.