Just thoughts.
I don't know what to say. I feel like there is too much in my brain right now, and yet not enough. I no longer feel the "high" that I was on all "weekend" in Bellingham, and basically since the 4th. I hope it's not reality that I'm coming back down to, yet I hope some of it is. Part of me has been a little out of touch with reality. Some of it crashed in my head a little. Another part of me has gotten more in touch with the "realities" and connections I've sorely missed.
I'm just kind of left not quite knowing what to do with any of it. And the few people I've asked for advice just seem frustrated with all of my "situations that I don't know what to do with", or like they can't relate to it, or I don't know. Or they tell me things that don't seem to apply at all, and then I get really confused where it came from. Oh well.
Even though I feel like I don't know what to say I felt the need to write about not knowing what to say or think. I've had some quotes in my head such as "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", not that I feel like I'm dying or like anything will kill me. I've just been a wee bit reckless as of late, so that saying applies in odd ways, which I find a little amusing. Also the words "let go" and the words to the song "Let Go" by Frou Frou (now known as Imogen Heap. I've posted them before. I'll post them again soon. In a different post.
I've been trying to reassess my whole fucking life again! Trying to figure out which of all my people and places can and can't fit in to various aspects of my life and where they can and can't fit in. If you think that statement is confusing try living in my head, though I don't really reccommend it. I know everyone goes through this shit, and I'm not exactly feeling sorry for myself or anything, but it's still difficult and I'm still a rather indecisive and impulsive person. I'm still not sure how that works. I think often times it doesn't, though it leaves some doors open, closes other doors before they had a chance to open, and occasionally fucks everything up. I'm not entirely sure which is going on, but I'm working on it, and I pretty much think I'm on my own, which is good in some ways, because I think that having not been on my own in too many ways is part of my problem, but not pleasant at all in others.
I may be flailing, but I am learning to fly. When I falter, I become unsure if I'm flying or just flapping my wings like a retarded bird doing a dance. Sometimes I think I am a retarded bird doing a dance. LOL! I hate having my mercury in Gemini by the way I can think of both sides of almost anything and then I will and they get into fights, and they try to come up with a way to both or all of it at once, and I still have trouble figuring out why it won't work, or at least accepting that it doesn't work that way. In my mind everything is negotiable. I'm training myself to be more realistic, but it's like an addiction to not be, and it's hard to remember why I need to be when my head is all up in the clouds. It's fucking pretty up there!
I should stop typing now. I don't believe there is now any way of arguing that basically all I'm doing now is babbling.
I feel a little sad in some ways. A lot of them are either hard to explain or I don't feel like it (even though I do). I feel a negativity threatening to pull me down. It's fear itself, really. I try to tell myself, "This is a test, just like the rest of them. You can beat it." sometimes the way I "beat" the tests is simply by wrapping myself in a force field of being unrealistic and then later going "Oh shit. What did I just do!" That's not what I was trying to do! Then I go a little bit to the opposite extreme and get stuck taking in so-called reality a little too deeply and in ways that either don't help or make it worse. Lather, rinse, repeat. The hardest part is trying to deal with my personal "issues" that permeate "everything" without getting overwhelmed or without saying "fuck it" and "falling off the wagon" again. As long as I don't give into the Bog of Negativity or the manic high of mindless happiness/fun I think I'll be okay. The concept of there even being a "manic high of mindless happiness/fun" is in many ways a foreign concept to me. This ought to be interesting.
I feel like Peter Pan "Fuck growing up! That's for boring people!", but so is not doing it, eventually, depending on how you do it or not. I also feel like snow globe that just got shaken up, it's kinda fun, but then you realize you're not sure which way is up, and eventually you actually do want to stand on the ground and get your bearings (barings? tee hee. I want some of those too).
If anyone read all that I will be surprised and impressed. If anyone has any feedback I'll be surprised and even more surprised if it's specific. Am I actually as confusing and "all over the place" as I feel like I am? Just curious.
If you can't tell, it is beyond my bedtime and I've sort of forgotten why I really started posting in the first place. Now it's my subconscious's turn to try and sort some of this shit out.
"Every walk goes one step at a time." or something. Also something about eating an elephant one bite at at time. I think you get it. I miss eloquence. It left me much too long ago. I guess I need to read more. I just finished "Anansi Boys" by Neil Gaiman. So good!
I'm just kind of left not quite knowing what to do with any of it. And the few people I've asked for advice just seem frustrated with all of my "situations that I don't know what to do with", or like they can't relate to it, or I don't know. Or they tell me things that don't seem to apply at all, and then I get really confused where it came from. Oh well.
Even though I feel like I don't know what to say I felt the need to write about not knowing what to say or think. I've had some quotes in my head such as "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", not that I feel like I'm dying or like anything will kill me. I've just been a wee bit reckless as of late, so that saying applies in odd ways, which I find a little amusing. Also the words "let go" and the words to the song "Let Go" by Frou Frou (now known as Imogen Heap. I've posted them before. I'll post them again soon. In a different post.
I've been trying to reassess my whole fucking life again! Trying to figure out which of all my people and places can and can't fit in to various aspects of my life and where they can and can't fit in. If you think that statement is confusing try living in my head, though I don't really reccommend it. I know everyone goes through this shit, and I'm not exactly feeling sorry for myself or anything, but it's still difficult and I'm still a rather indecisive and impulsive person. I'm still not sure how that works. I think often times it doesn't, though it leaves some doors open, closes other doors before they had a chance to open, and occasionally fucks everything up. I'm not entirely sure which is going on, but I'm working on it, and I pretty much think I'm on my own, which is good in some ways, because I think that having not been on my own in too many ways is part of my problem, but not pleasant at all in others.
I may be flailing, but I am learning to fly. When I falter, I become unsure if I'm flying or just flapping my wings like a retarded bird doing a dance. Sometimes I think I am a retarded bird doing a dance. LOL! I hate having my mercury in Gemini by the way I can think of both sides of almost anything and then I will and they get into fights, and they try to come up with a way to both or all of it at once, and I still have trouble figuring out why it won't work, or at least accepting that it doesn't work that way. In my mind everything is negotiable. I'm training myself to be more realistic, but it's like an addiction to not be, and it's hard to remember why I need to be when my head is all up in the clouds. It's fucking pretty up there!
I should stop typing now. I don't believe there is now any way of arguing that basically all I'm doing now is babbling.
I feel a little sad in some ways. A lot of them are either hard to explain or I don't feel like it (even though I do). I feel a negativity threatening to pull me down. It's fear itself, really. I try to tell myself, "This is a test, just like the rest of them. You can beat it." sometimes the way I "beat" the tests is simply by wrapping myself in a force field of being unrealistic and then later going "Oh shit. What did I just do!" That's not what I was trying to do! Then I go a little bit to the opposite extreme and get stuck taking in so-called reality a little too deeply and in ways that either don't help or make it worse. Lather, rinse, repeat. The hardest part is trying to deal with my personal "issues" that permeate "everything" without getting overwhelmed or without saying "fuck it" and "falling off the wagon" again. As long as I don't give into the Bog of Negativity or the manic high of mindless happiness/fun I think I'll be okay. The concept of there even being a "manic high of mindless happiness/fun" is in many ways a foreign concept to me. This ought to be interesting.
I feel like Peter Pan "Fuck growing up! That's for boring people!", but so is not doing it, eventually, depending on how you do it or not. I also feel like snow globe that just got shaken up, it's kinda fun, but then you realize you're not sure which way is up, and eventually you actually do want to stand on the ground and get your bearings (barings? tee hee. I want some of those too).
If anyone read all that I will be surprised and impressed. If anyone has any feedback I'll be surprised and even more surprised if it's specific. Am I actually as confusing and "all over the place" as I feel like I am? Just curious.
If you can't tell, it is beyond my bedtime and I've sort of forgotten why I really started posting in the first place. Now it's my subconscious's turn to try and sort some of this shit out.
"Every walk goes one step at a time." or something. Also something about eating an elephant one bite at at time. I think you get it. I miss eloquence. It left me much too long ago. I guess I need to read more. I just finished "Anansi Boys" by Neil Gaiman. So good!