(no subject)
In the light of a full moon I ponder what is come of me and what is to become of me.
And I am not afraid. Only hoping that the peace within is not a cover for some dread I will not recognize.
And I ask for salvation and forgiveness without being sure I know what the sins are.
And I just hope, and hope and hope and hope whoever my God is, truly the unnamed God, that She or He will accept me into their house.
For tonight I am lonely. I feel alone and uncertain. Everything familiar is gone from me. I am not sure how. Oh, but I am.
My husband left me. Left me with two small children and a heart so full I can barely breathe. Left me to grope about and figure things out alone. I think and I think and everything I once believed in is gone... or mere shadows.
In the darkeness of a Saturday night - we used to watch movies and make love on Saturday nights - I remember the girl I was, the woman I was... who I am becoming... and sizing up the differences in all these people.
Live in the moment? What about eternity?
Live for eternity? And what about all the moments in between?
Forgive him? Forgive myself? What about the promsises made at the altar of the God we worshipped together?
Move on? But to where? How?
Repent for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand?
Repent for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand? The God I used to repent to is a God of Love. But I have for so long been without the love I crave. And I feel distant from this God. I feel distant even from myself.
I repent for wanting and not knowing how to stop wanting. I repent for loving and hating while I loved and not knowing how to stop myself from feeling either. I repent for being feeble and strong all at the same time, and at the wrong times. I repent for ... for... not being as **&^HY^$#) perfect as I want to be as all the old voices in my head say I should be. Fuck! To just have a day without the voices in my head condemning me. That is what I really want God to take away from me. Maybe then I could think clearly. And know what I sould really repent for anyway.
I want to fall in love. I want to fall in love with two different beings. I want to have faith, fall in love with God. I also, very much so, want to fall in love with myself.
Starry eyes
The color of where grass and sky meet
Slender fingers
Fairy feet
Dancing in a field of wildflowers
white eyelet dress
And a silver toe ring
Opal earrings
My circle nose ring
My soul afire with the life I've never known
Too afraid to let go
I've been too afraid to let go
Maybe for just one day I could see
A horizon of hope and God's charity
Maybe I could walk upright
And not feel like the sinner on the cross
Who spat on Jesus' pain
Who said it was all insane
Who are you Jesus
My Savior
My firend
Who are you Jesus
That I still feel condemned
In this life will I ever feel
That my name means something to you
That you feel my heart
And see all of me
And still want to hold me near
In the soft full moon
I stand outside and smoke
Tendrels of smoke whisk skyward
To a throne I long to know
Jack says we are all god
Look under a rock
God is there
Jack, my friend, where is God
All is hollow tonight
All the rocks are empty beneath
I hear God whisper my name
I hear God calling
Where are you
Where are you
I search and I search and I seek
When will I find
I dance in a white dress
Beneath a sun and a sky
I dance in a tired body
My mouth is dry
I dance without my partner
We drove each other away
I dance because I cannot sleep
And tomorrow is just another day
I am tired now. Maybe I can sleep. Maybe I'll find the love I long for - I really think we all long for... maybe my rock will appear. And my God will be under there.
Jack, do you fault me for not always laughing? God, do you fault me for not knowing what to believe? Mike, do you fault me for everything? Myself, when will I stop this craziness? If this is craziness at all... When will I find my cloak of peace?
I kinda actually hope no one reads this. Writing again is great. But I feel so naked now. Even if this was just saved on a little disk, I would still feel so naked now. Writing this way... it's almost like praying... or sending a message in a bottle. And maybe someone like me is out there and will understand. Funny, for the first time in my life, though I would like someone to understand... it's ok if no one does. This pain, this life are mine for the first time... and remembering that I belong to myself, well, I feel better already.
And I am not afraid. Only hoping that the peace within is not a cover for some dread I will not recognize.
And I ask for salvation and forgiveness without being sure I know what the sins are.
And I just hope, and hope and hope and hope whoever my God is, truly the unnamed God, that She or He will accept me into their house.
For tonight I am lonely. I feel alone and uncertain. Everything familiar is gone from me. I am not sure how. Oh, but I am.
My husband left me. Left me with two small children and a heart so full I can barely breathe. Left me to grope about and figure things out alone. I think and I think and everything I once believed in is gone... or mere shadows.
In the darkeness of a Saturday night - we used to watch movies and make love on Saturday nights - I remember the girl I was, the woman I was... who I am becoming... and sizing up the differences in all these people.
Live in the moment? What about eternity?
Live for eternity? And what about all the moments in between?
Forgive him? Forgive myself? What about the promsises made at the altar of the God we worshipped together?
Move on? But to where? How?
Repent for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand?
Repent for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand? The God I used to repent to is a God of Love. But I have for so long been without the love I crave. And I feel distant from this God. I feel distant even from myself.
I repent for wanting and not knowing how to stop wanting. I repent for loving and hating while I loved and not knowing how to stop myself from feeling either. I repent for being feeble and strong all at the same time, and at the wrong times. I repent for ... for... not being as **&^HY^$#) perfect as I want to be as all the old voices in my head say I should be. Fuck! To just have a day without the voices in my head condemning me. That is what I really want God to take away from me. Maybe then I could think clearly. And know what I sould really repent for anyway.
I want to fall in love. I want to fall in love with two different beings. I want to have faith, fall in love with God. I also, very much so, want to fall in love with myself.
Starry eyes
The color of where grass and sky meet
Slender fingers
Fairy feet
Dancing in a field of wildflowers
white eyelet dress
And a silver toe ring
Opal earrings
My circle nose ring
My soul afire with the life I've never known
Too afraid to let go
I've been too afraid to let go
Maybe for just one day I could see
A horizon of hope and God's charity
Maybe I could walk upright
And not feel like the sinner on the cross
Who spat on Jesus' pain
Who said it was all insane
Who are you Jesus
My Savior
My firend
Who are you Jesus
That I still feel condemned
In this life will I ever feel
That my name means something to you
That you feel my heart
And see all of me
And still want to hold me near
In the soft full moon
I stand outside and smoke
Tendrels of smoke whisk skyward
To a throne I long to know
Jack says we are all god
Look under a rock
God is there
Jack, my friend, where is God
All is hollow tonight
All the rocks are empty beneath
I hear God whisper my name
I hear God calling
Where are you
Where are you
I search and I search and I seek
When will I find
I dance in a white dress
Beneath a sun and a sky
I dance in a tired body
My mouth is dry
I dance without my partner
We drove each other away
I dance because I cannot sleep
And tomorrow is just another day
I am tired now. Maybe I can sleep. Maybe I'll find the love I long for - I really think we all long for... maybe my rock will appear. And my God will be under there.
Jack, do you fault me for not always laughing? God, do you fault me for not knowing what to believe? Mike, do you fault me for everything? Myself, when will I stop this craziness? If this is craziness at all... When will I find my cloak of peace?
I kinda actually hope no one reads this. Writing again is great. But I feel so naked now. Even if this was just saved on a little disk, I would still feel so naked now. Writing this way... it's almost like praying... or sending a message in a bottle. And maybe someone like me is out there and will understand. Funny, for the first time in my life, though I would like someone to understand... it's ok if no one does. This pain, this life are mine for the first time... and remembering that I belong to myself, well, I feel better already.