Train of Thought
Ok so I’ll I was trying to do was study for my test tomorrow... but things kept popping into my head out o da blue... and my brain wouldn't stop going 100mph, thinking about so many things, everything but the book in front of me... I finally gave in. I opened a blank page, closed my eyes, grabbed the next thought to go rushing by and not thinking, I just wrote. From my heart and my mind, not thinking, no thinking, just writing. An hour later I don’t think I stopped typing for more than a minute... I am on page 4... And my thoughts, given an outlet have subsided somewhat... it helped me to think some, but I am still at an impasse. Owell for now I think 4 pages of my thoughts are quite enough. The flow of thoughts in your mind can do interesting things, especially when left to flow freely.
Train of Thought
Into my life you came without warning
Before I could blink you were there in front of me
That smile that I fell for, the way you move
The look in your eyes when you look into mine
I had no chance I fell from the start
You took my heart
But I didn’t mind because
You’re real, and the way you treat me
Not like a child, someone who knows nothing
Not like a goddess to be revered
But as a person, real and right there with you
Right from the beginning it was as if
I have known you my whole life
You affect me like no one ever has
Inside my head, your there and it’s like home
Inside me, my heart, the feeling of rightness
When you’re near
My thoughts are clear
In that I know that I love you
You mean so much to me
Even when I feel lost and confused
I know that you are there
So much do I care
Does it get through?
To you
Who has been hurt before
Like myself, but can you believe
In me and how much I care
I mean what I say and I say what I mean
I do not know everything
But what I do know I know for sure
Even when
Unbidden, from the blue
Barging in on my newfound joy
My security is breached
But from where did this come?
I was I am so sure of my feelings
Yet, a new feeling has crept into the picture
Slowly, not noticed at first
But brought to attention
When I think how much I miss you
I haven’t seen you since the other day
When will I be able to again?
Restless, trapped, held down
But why?
What reason for these new feelings?
I do not understand
Why must something try and move in
On what I have found, it is mine get away!
I have been through the pain
Do not make me the cause
Of a new pain
Which would kill me more than
If the sides were reversed, no matter the situation
Battling to be heard, my feelings shout thoughts
In my head, I cannot think, concentration
Eludes me, at a loss for actions, even for words
This feeling that wants to experience life
That wants to be free
But free from what?
Newfound in me, never before present
Wild and crazy, no ties, nothing to think of
Just to have fun to follow what comes
Go with the flow, people, places
New things to try, experience
Do what I want?
But what do I want?
Follow my heart?
I did I love him. But now my heart is split
Both sides feel true, but how can these new feelings be?
It’s not like me… or is it?
Could it be a part of me that has been
Held hostage all my life, deep down inside
Where I could not even see, what is me like?
Hiding, peeking out only when safe
Who am I? What am I really like?
Only I can say, but I do not know
I must find out, what is my passion?
What drives me?
I do what I want I have also done so
But have I really?
Or have I just started to learn how
Always I do what is the right thing
What is expected of me
What is not expected of me
Taught to think for myself,
Or so it seems, but if I have
Then I have not been giving the chance
And if I have, then I did not see it
Merely going through the motions of life
Options laid before me, this one sounds good
I will do that… but…
Have I been fooling myself? All this time…
Do I, have I been living to make others happy
Which does make me feel good, happy myself. But,
Have I been living for others?
In a way I could not see?
I listen to my parents, those around me
To their mistakes, and I will not make them
But am I simply doing what they should have done?
Go to college; don’t get stuck in a job
With expenses, costs of living, forcing you to jump into full time work
Find what I want to do, don’t just fall into something
But what is that?
What do I want to do… this I have never known
Never have I put forth enough effort to find
Something that drives me, unfailingly
What is my passion? My drive?
What do I want to do with my life?
I cannot only think about the immediate future
Enough to keep me going
Or is this what I should do?
The present, the here and now
I am torn,
Torn by these new unbidden feelings
Unwanted yet… they call me…
A certain allure, tempting me, calling me
But no, that would not be right
Whimsical, impulsive, I must think about
What would happen if I were to… listen to those voices?
There would be hurt, and the cause, would be me
It is not right, not responsible
Unkind and selfish
But… still… it hangs in my mind
The forbidden fruit
Whispering, come, give in… relax
You won’t have to think or worry
Things will happen but, we can fix it
Or at least get over it…
Would it be so bad?
What’s the harm?
You should be happy
Why not?
~A
Train of Thought
Into my life you came without warning
Before I could blink you were there in front of me
That smile that I fell for, the way you move
The look in your eyes when you look into mine
I had no chance I fell from the start
You took my heart
But I didn’t mind because
You’re real, and the way you treat me
Not like a child, someone who knows nothing
Not like a goddess to be revered
But as a person, real and right there with you
Right from the beginning it was as if
I have known you my whole life
You affect me like no one ever has
Inside my head, your there and it’s like home
Inside me, my heart, the feeling of rightness
When you’re near
My thoughts are clear
In that I know that I love you
You mean so much to me
Even when I feel lost and confused
I know that you are there
So much do I care
Does it get through?
To you
Who has been hurt before
Like myself, but can you believe
In me and how much I care
I mean what I say and I say what I mean
I do not know everything
But what I do know I know for sure
Even when
Unbidden, from the blue
Barging in on my newfound joy
My security is breached
But from where did this come?
I was I am so sure of my feelings
Yet, a new feeling has crept into the picture
Slowly, not noticed at first
But brought to attention
When I think how much I miss you
I haven’t seen you since the other day
When will I be able to again?
Restless, trapped, held down
But why?
What reason for these new feelings?
I do not understand
Why must something try and move in
On what I have found, it is mine get away!
I have been through the pain
Do not make me the cause
Of a new pain
Which would kill me more than
If the sides were reversed, no matter the situation
Battling to be heard, my feelings shout thoughts
In my head, I cannot think, concentration
Eludes me, at a loss for actions, even for words
This feeling that wants to experience life
That wants to be free
But free from what?
Newfound in me, never before present
Wild and crazy, no ties, nothing to think of
Just to have fun to follow what comes
Go with the flow, people, places
New things to try, experience
Do what I want?
But what do I want?
Follow my heart?
I did I love him. But now my heart is split
Both sides feel true, but how can these new feelings be?
It’s not like me… or is it?
Could it be a part of me that has been
Held hostage all my life, deep down inside
Where I could not even see, what is me like?
Hiding, peeking out only when safe
Who am I? What am I really like?
Only I can say, but I do not know
I must find out, what is my passion?
What drives me?
I do what I want I have also done so
But have I really?
Or have I just started to learn how
Always I do what is the right thing
What is expected of me
What is not expected of me
Taught to think for myself,
Or so it seems, but if I have
Then I have not been giving the chance
And if I have, then I did not see it
Merely going through the motions of life
Options laid before me, this one sounds good
I will do that… but…
Have I been fooling myself? All this time…
Do I, have I been living to make others happy
Which does make me feel good, happy myself. But,
Have I been living for others?
In a way I could not see?
I listen to my parents, those around me
To their mistakes, and I will not make them
But am I simply doing what they should have done?
Go to college; don’t get stuck in a job
With expenses, costs of living, forcing you to jump into full time work
Find what I want to do, don’t just fall into something
But what is that?
What do I want to do… this I have never known
Never have I put forth enough effort to find
Something that drives me, unfailingly
What is my passion? My drive?
What do I want to do with my life?
I cannot only think about the immediate future
Enough to keep me going
Or is this what I should do?
The present, the here and now
I am torn,
Torn by these new unbidden feelings
Unwanted yet… they call me…
A certain allure, tempting me, calling me
But no, that would not be right
Whimsical, impulsive, I must think about
What would happen if I were to… listen to those voices?
There would be hurt, and the cause, would be me
It is not right, not responsible
Unkind and selfish
But… still… it hangs in my mind
The forbidden fruit
Whispering, come, give in… relax
You won’t have to think or worry
Things will happen but, we can fix it
Or at least get over it…
Would it be so bad?
What’s the harm?
You should be happy
Why not?
~A