sleep will not come, to this tired body now--peace will not come, to this lonely heart...
I was sitting in my frigid car waiting for it to warm up after I got off work way too late tonight and I got very sad. It was an empty feeling who's origin is not hard to pin-point at this point. I felt cold and alone like my car and I could disappear at that second in time and no one would know or care for days. I know now that at 1:20 in the morning, no one would know yet.
I've been lonely being all alone in this house (with the exception of a few nights accompanied by Jake which I'll get to later) knowing that my dad is hundreds of miles away, my mom is probably working her second job to make ends meat, and what friends I have left aren't the kinds that get worried when they don't hear from me in a few days. Thank god for my cat who just knows when I'm sad and curls up in the cutest ways next to me on the couch, always outstretching her paw onto me as if symbolically putting a hand around my shoulder.
I've been thinking about high school and how I'd like to go back. Days like those, although a bit shallow, were much more comforting than the cold harsh reality that no one gives a fuck anymore. heh. That always reminds me of the last line in the song 'I Wonder' when Shannon sings "and I only wanted to be sixteen....and free yeah." He's telling the truth, that's for damn sure. He really did just want to be sixteen and so do I. I'll take the naivity, the blatent irresponsibility and irrationality! Give it to me, because although I'll be stupid, I'll be dumbly happy.
Jake and I are on speaking terms, which to say the least is necessary. But something just isn't right. Something FEELS wrong. It doesn't feel like conflict resolved, but conflict ignored for the sake of not feeling lonely. And things don't feel better than they were, just back to normalcy. And we all know that's number one in a long line of contrasting nouns adjectives and verbs that make up our tumultuous relationship cycle.
There's this girl that I disliked (rather shallowly at first because I secretly lusted after her boyfriend and more rationally later because I got to know her better and realized that she wasn't a very good person and that her boyfriend and I were meant to BE together hehe ok that's another daydream ;D) and the last time I saw her she unneccessarily filled me in on her relationship with him (I was already with Jake so really cared not anymore) which was pretty much summed up like this: we're not doing very well, but we're still living together, because hey, everyone likes to wake up next to someone.
And at the time I thought that to be horribly insensitive, shallow, and brash, but now I see myself possibly falling into a rut like that and it scares me. I did say possibly as I know I'm not there yet. Hmm, I guess at least I'd never casually mention something like that to anyone much less someone I barely know.
I guess life is just at this indecisive grey area right now. Nothing spectacular has happened recently and nothing horrible to make the little things seem spectacular has plagued me, but I don't know, things are about to change big time. Well, for OBVIOUS reasons (have you SEEN me lately?? =D) but also for some not-so-obvious ones, also. I feel it. The last time I felt this big change it knocked me on my ass! I thought the big change was leaving Jake and starting a life of being single/dating--starting with Brishen's kind soul--but instead me trying to be independent was smacked down as I simultaneously found out of the coming arrival, lost my best friend, and was basically forced to put my trust back into my first love who I was 100% ready to get over.
Well, change, I'm ready.
I've been lonely being all alone in this house (with the exception of a few nights accompanied by Jake which I'll get to later) knowing that my dad is hundreds of miles away, my mom is probably working her second job to make ends meat, and what friends I have left aren't the kinds that get worried when they don't hear from me in a few days. Thank god for my cat who just knows when I'm sad and curls up in the cutest ways next to me on the couch, always outstretching her paw onto me as if symbolically putting a hand around my shoulder.
I've been thinking about high school and how I'd like to go back. Days like those, although a bit shallow, were much more comforting than the cold harsh reality that no one gives a fuck anymore. heh. That always reminds me of the last line in the song 'I Wonder' when Shannon sings "and I only wanted to be sixteen....and free yeah." He's telling the truth, that's for damn sure. He really did just want to be sixteen and so do I. I'll take the naivity, the blatent irresponsibility and irrationality! Give it to me, because although I'll be stupid, I'll be dumbly happy.
Jake and I are on speaking terms, which to say the least is necessary. But something just isn't right. Something FEELS wrong. It doesn't feel like conflict resolved, but conflict ignored for the sake of not feeling lonely. And things don't feel better than they were, just back to normalcy. And we all know that's number one in a long line of contrasting nouns adjectives and verbs that make up our tumultuous relationship cycle.
There's this girl that I disliked (rather shallowly at first because I secretly lusted after her boyfriend and more rationally later because I got to know her better and realized that she wasn't a very good person and that her boyfriend and I were meant to BE together hehe ok that's another daydream ;D) and the last time I saw her she unneccessarily filled me in on her relationship with him (I was already with Jake so really cared not anymore) which was pretty much summed up like this: we're not doing very well, but we're still living together, because hey, everyone likes to wake up next to someone.
And at the time I thought that to be horribly insensitive, shallow, and brash, but now I see myself possibly falling into a rut like that and it scares me. I did say possibly as I know I'm not there yet. Hmm, I guess at least I'd never casually mention something like that to anyone much less someone I barely know.
I guess life is just at this indecisive grey area right now. Nothing spectacular has happened recently and nothing horrible to make the little things seem spectacular has plagued me, but I don't know, things are about to change big time. Well, for OBVIOUS reasons (have you SEEN me lately?? =D) but also for some not-so-obvious ones, also. I feel it. The last time I felt this big change it knocked me on my ass! I thought the big change was leaving Jake and starting a life of being single/dating--starting with Brishen's kind soul--but instead me trying to be independent was smacked down as I simultaneously found out of the coming arrival, lost my best friend, and was basically forced to put my trust back into my first love who I was 100% ready to get over.
Well, change, I'm ready.