Journey into Submission: Baby Steps and Superman Glasses
Yesterday I decided I needed to follow my friend's advice and try to "get out there". I sent an email to my friend, CS, to see if he was still involved in the community in the Poconos and if they still had munches.
He responded very quickly with a "Yes" and "Yes" and then he signed me up on the Yahoo group for the munch. Their next meeting is the third Sunday in May (because the second Sunday is Mother's Day).
I was to a couple of these in the past, so I have a pretty general idea of what to expect. Casual social situation with dinner. And if it’s anything like last time, lots of discussion on the bureaucracy and little to no opportunity for social interaction. If I remember correctly, people went out to a bar afterward for the socialization.
And the thought of that is enough to give me a panic attack. I am painfully shy in most situations. I can fake it for small periods of time: paste on a smile, chat and be charming. But after a bit, my brain goes numb, I can’t think of anything to say and even if I could, I wouldn’t be able to get the words out past the giant lump in my throat.
The more important the situation or people are to me, the worse it becomes. On a recent excursion to train with a specific fencing instructor and friend, by the time he and his wife got there, I was so nervous my brain had pretty much shut down. He’s someone I’ve had extensive conversations with online and in person. He’s someone I consider a friend. But I don’t see him often and his opinion matters to me, so my shyness/panic kicks in and I become a bumbling idiot.
I can see that happening if I go out with any of the people after the munch. My instinct is to wear heels. I’ll probably forget how to walk in them entirely. Forget wearing a dress or skirt, because I’m sure I’ll find a way to flash half the population of the Poconos (inadvertent flashing seems to be a recurring theme in my life, which could be fun if it were an intentional kink, but since it’s not, it’s just embarrassing).
Maybe if I wear my red “Superman” glasses, I can pretend I’m someone else....
He responded very quickly with a "Yes" and "Yes" and then he signed me up on the Yahoo group for the munch. Their next meeting is the third Sunday in May (because the second Sunday is Mother's Day).
I was to a couple of these in the past, so I have a pretty general idea of what to expect. Casual social situation with dinner. And if it’s anything like last time, lots of discussion on the bureaucracy and little to no opportunity for social interaction. If I remember correctly, people went out to a bar afterward for the socialization.
And the thought of that is enough to give me a panic attack. I am painfully shy in most situations. I can fake it for small periods of time: paste on a smile, chat and be charming. But after a bit, my brain goes numb, I can’t think of anything to say and even if I could, I wouldn’t be able to get the words out past the giant lump in my throat.
The more important the situation or people are to me, the worse it becomes. On a recent excursion to train with a specific fencing instructor and friend, by the time he and his wife got there, I was so nervous my brain had pretty much shut down. He’s someone I’ve had extensive conversations with online and in person. He’s someone I consider a friend. But I don’t see him often and his opinion matters to me, so my shyness/panic kicks in and I become a bumbling idiot.
I can see that happening if I go out with any of the people after the munch. My instinct is to wear heels. I’ll probably forget how to walk in them entirely. Forget wearing a dress or skirt, because I’m sure I’ll find a way to flash half the population of the Poconos (inadvertent flashing seems to be a recurring theme in my life, which could be fun if it were an intentional kink, but since it’s not, it’s just embarrassing).
Maybe if I wear my red “Superman” glasses, I can pretend I’m someone else....