(no subject)
Sorry, I am weepy again. I'm trying not to be, but I really am weepy. You see, I think one of the factors is (besides not feeling the best) is that today was originally supposed to be our appointment to go to the Dr's and hear the heartbeat for the first time. Instead I ended up at the dr's office on my weekly trip to have blood drawn so they can monitor my HGC levels till they hit zero. I was sitting there waiting my turn, (the lab is right inside the waiting area of my Dr's office) when a couple gets called for their appointment with the Dr, and as the nurse welcomes them in I hear her happliy tell them "Congratulations!" I sat alone in my chair near the door to the lab and cried unitil the phlebotomist was ready for me. I couldn't help sitting there alone and empty thinking "that's supposed to be me." I got called in, got poked, and left. I had laundry to do. When I got to the laundromat, there is a consignment shop next door, and all I could see was the stuff that they had up in the wondows for their displays...every few weeks they put up a whole bunch of different baby and toddler clothes in the windows, all in the same colours. This week seemed to be greens and pinks. And so, yes, I cried.
Last night we sat down together after supper, and Ry was going to give me backrubs because I was in pain, my whole backside had gotten nto such a fibro-flare that you could have fried an egg on it, and we were going to watch "Marie Antoinette," which I thought was a grand idea, as I think it is total eye candy, all the colors and prettiness and I thought maybe it would re-spark my whole creative feeling. I was happy and great till Marie Antoinette gave birth to her first little girl, and then I just lost it. And then the whole thing about how they want a male heir, and she says,"You are not what was desired, but you are no loess precious to me." It made me cry worse, my irrational mind screaming "I want a girl, give her to meee!"
So this is how my obgyn appt with the midwife went Monday nite, if you are interested:
She was very sweet and understanding, and I did get weepy a few times. She spent 45 minutes talking to me. She is going to go over everything with the Gyn, and I have another appt on the 10th of June. At that point, if I have gotten a period by that time, she will discuss the possibility of being put on Metformin or the like, or if they think that I may be able to go about things normally. She did of course mention that the silver lining within all of this was that despite the PCOS I can get pregnant, though that doesn't make losing a child any easier. She said that it is important to take as much time to grieve the loss as I need, but not to lose all hope. She felt that there is a much better chance that things will go better a next time, as I am lucky enough that despite the PCOS my cycles never disapperaed for more than a month and a half, not like the 6 months and a year that I have heard some women with it not having periods. I also know that I ovulated on a relatively regular cycle, maybe not a perfect cycle but I could tell by the mucous/discharge between periods that I was ovulating, pre-Yasmin/Ocella. So she seems hopeful, and at least with this office handling me as far as reproductive/female stuff goes, that is their only focus, and their specialty. SHe has a lot of PCOS patients, which makes me feel safer I guess. I don't even know what I feel anymore.
I just feel like I am at the center of a chaotic universe. Nothing about the world feels calm and good...you know? Almost every one I know, and even people I don't know, have horrible things happening in their lives. I can't even concentrate on anything. It's like my life is ADD, I start something and get distracted, or lose interest, or just plain can not concentrate. It's like I just don't know where to start anymore, let alone where the end of anything is. Except my rope, I am pretty sure I am completely near the end of my rope.
Well, now I have teary mess all over my glasses, and I really should continue with doing something constructive...and I am sure by now you are tired of me weeping all over all of you.
Last night we sat down together after supper, and Ry was going to give me backrubs because I was in pain, my whole backside had gotten nto such a fibro-flare that you could have fried an egg on it, and we were going to watch "Marie Antoinette," which I thought was a grand idea, as I think it is total eye candy, all the colors and prettiness and I thought maybe it would re-spark my whole creative feeling. I was happy and great till Marie Antoinette gave birth to her first little girl, and then I just lost it. And then the whole thing about how they want a male heir, and she says,"You are not what was desired, but you are no loess precious to me." It made me cry worse, my irrational mind screaming "I want a girl, give her to meee!"
So this is how my obgyn appt with the midwife went Monday nite, if you are interested:
She was very sweet and understanding, and I did get weepy a few times. She spent 45 minutes talking to me. She is going to go over everything with the Gyn, and I have another appt on the 10th of June. At that point, if I have gotten a period by that time, she will discuss the possibility of being put on Metformin or the like, or if they think that I may be able to go about things normally. She did of course mention that the silver lining within all of this was that despite the PCOS I can get pregnant, though that doesn't make losing a child any easier. She said that it is important to take as much time to grieve the loss as I need, but not to lose all hope. She felt that there is a much better chance that things will go better a next time, as I am lucky enough that despite the PCOS my cycles never disapperaed for more than a month and a half, not like the 6 months and a year that I have heard some women with it not having periods. I also know that I ovulated on a relatively regular cycle, maybe not a perfect cycle but I could tell by the mucous/discharge between periods that I was ovulating, pre-Yasmin/Ocella. So she seems hopeful, and at least with this office handling me as far as reproductive/female stuff goes, that is their only focus, and their specialty. SHe has a lot of PCOS patients, which makes me feel safer I guess. I don't even know what I feel anymore.
I just feel like I am at the center of a chaotic universe. Nothing about the world feels calm and good...you know? Almost every one I know, and even people I don't know, have horrible things happening in their lives. I can't even concentrate on anything. It's like my life is ADD, I start something and get distracted, or lose interest, or just plain can not concentrate. It's like I just don't know where to start anymore, let alone where the end of anything is. Except my rope, I am pretty sure I am completely near the end of my rope.
Well, now I have teary mess all over my glasses, and I really should continue with doing something constructive...and I am sure by now you are tired of me weeping all over all of you.