These precious things, let them bleed, let them wash away...
I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what to do, how to feel. Life keeps pummeling us from one end to the other. Life has become no more than an an abusive relationship. We keep getting the shit beaten out of us, we feel tortured on a daily basis, but we are too afraid to leave. I know managing to NOT "off" yourself is supposed to be the "strong" thing to do, but seriously at this point it just seems like I'd just be tortured further in the afterlife, so why bother, and at least still on Earth I have Ry. And he has Me. Hopefully that is enough. But I just don't know how much more we can take before we at least end up rocking in the corner of a padded room, you know? I mean, can I just sign up now and get a room, cuz I could at least use a vacation.
If you don't read Ry's journal, then you are possibly wondering what the fuck I am babbling about his time. Ry's Dad, after he has survived and is recovering from that wretched stroke, has cancer. There is nothing they can do...I will just paste in what my mother-in-law said, it will be easier.:
"The Pet Scan and CT showed cancer in his right lung and in the back of his tongue. He is not in pain and we are not going to have it removed. They would have to do the tongue first and that would involve cutting his jaw and neck, removing up to half of his tongue and giving him a tracanomy. He would not be able to swallow or eat without a tube. He won't live that way and I will not make him or blame him. The doctors feel that he would not survive it and that his vascular problems will probably take him before the cancer does. It could take a couple of years. "
She didn't want to tell us the last time we talked to her because 1) the first time we were telling them that we were pregnant and she didn't want to spoil our good news, and 2) the second time we were telling her I lost the baby, and she didn't want to add to our pain. Now I am petrified, and now I feel even worse at having lost the baby, as that would have been Ry's dad's first honest-to-goodness bilogical grandchild. And here I am, I couldn't even do that right. Now I am still waiting for my HGC levels to drop to zero, and to get healthier so we can try again, so that I can make that happen before the worst happens...I just can't handle stress anymore at this point. I actually immediately start to shake, my legs get weak and i feel like I will throw up and pass out at the first sign of feeling stressed. I cry over anything and everything.
The Dr's office did call and tell me my quants are down to 3000-something right now, last week they were 5000-something, so they again almost split in half. I have to go back next Wednesday for the next round. They also said I am not anemic, which is good, and that the feeling of having been run over by a train and being so weak is a combination of the physical and emotional stress, as well as all of the constant physical changes going on. She said a miscarriage is such a shock to a woman's entire system that sometimes it can have some really tiring effects, and I am really feeling them. She asked me how I was feeling at this point though, and how I was managing. I told her that I am still bleeding, 4 1/2 weeks straight now, but that there are now lulls thorughout my day where I can have little to no bleeding. She said that may go on until my quants reach zero, and I am just hoping for an end soon. I will be feeling fine for a smidge and all of a sudden I will get cramping and pass some more awfulness, and it all just seems to start over again. And everywhere I look is pregnant women... it kills me. Oh, except today, when I had to go to the grocery store...everywhere I looked I saw oblivious and stupid people. Then I realized it was the 1st, and that they all got their Social Security and Disability benefits, so that was why I was surrounded...I got backed up into, run over, banged into, and hit head-on so many times in my short trip that it was unbelievable. Whatever world these people live in, I want IN, because i don't want to have to pay any attention to anything aorund me either!
So now I am tossing between tears, acid reflux, and general anxiety, so I think I am going to leave it here for now...
If you don't read Ry's journal, then you are possibly wondering what the fuck I am babbling about his time. Ry's Dad, after he has survived and is recovering from that wretched stroke, has cancer. There is nothing they can do...I will just paste in what my mother-in-law said, it will be easier.:
"The Pet Scan and CT showed cancer in his right lung and in the back of his tongue. He is not in pain and we are not going to have it removed. They would have to do the tongue first and that would involve cutting his jaw and neck, removing up to half of his tongue and giving him a tracanomy. He would not be able to swallow or eat without a tube. He won't live that way and I will not make him or blame him. The doctors feel that he would not survive it and that his vascular problems will probably take him before the cancer does. It could take a couple of years. "
She didn't want to tell us the last time we talked to her because 1) the first time we were telling them that we were pregnant and she didn't want to spoil our good news, and 2) the second time we were telling her I lost the baby, and she didn't want to add to our pain. Now I am petrified, and now I feel even worse at having lost the baby, as that would have been Ry's dad's first honest-to-goodness bilogical grandchild. And here I am, I couldn't even do that right. Now I am still waiting for my HGC levels to drop to zero, and to get healthier so we can try again, so that I can make that happen before the worst happens...I just can't handle stress anymore at this point. I actually immediately start to shake, my legs get weak and i feel like I will throw up and pass out at the first sign of feeling stressed. I cry over anything and everything.
The Dr's office did call and tell me my quants are down to 3000-something right now, last week they were 5000-something, so they again almost split in half. I have to go back next Wednesday for the next round. They also said I am not anemic, which is good, and that the feeling of having been run over by a train and being so weak is a combination of the physical and emotional stress, as well as all of the constant physical changes going on. She said a miscarriage is such a shock to a woman's entire system that sometimes it can have some really tiring effects, and I am really feeling them. She asked me how I was feeling at this point though, and how I was managing. I told her that I am still bleeding, 4 1/2 weeks straight now, but that there are now lulls thorughout my day where I can have little to no bleeding. She said that may go on until my quants reach zero, and I am just hoping for an end soon. I will be feeling fine for a smidge and all of a sudden I will get cramping and pass some more awfulness, and it all just seems to start over again. And everywhere I look is pregnant women... it kills me. Oh, except today, when I had to go to the grocery store...everywhere I looked I saw oblivious and stupid people. Then I realized it was the 1st, and that they all got their Social Security and Disability benefits, so that was why I was surrounded...I got backed up into, run over, banged into, and hit head-on so many times in my short trip that it was unbelievable. Whatever world these people live in, I want IN, because i don't want to have to pay any attention to anything aorund me either!
So now I am tossing between tears, acid reflux, and general anxiety, so I think I am going to leave it here for now...