(no subject)
i would write, but whats the point anymore, really?
everything im going to say is something ive already said before.
im lonely, lethargic, jealous and just plain sad. and if im not any of those, im happy. but theres no inbetween anymore. did there used to be?
i see these notes you post and i think to myself, "maybe shes thinking about me?"
regardless, untill she says/does something, everything i think about is useless and obsolete.
blank and pointless. getting my hopes up. no point.
so i torture myself..but its almost a relief, in some sort of weird way. i sate my curiousity for a sec and then it comes back.
i have no friends irl. all i have is alex and my family. no girl friend to hang out with, and no guy friends close enough/not in college/wygsudyfgusd
to do anything with.
nothing. no one.
just me.
and its so heart wrenchingly pathedic and depressing.
almost every friend ive had ive lost or drifted away from. no one talks to me but brandon d.
hes the only one who makes the effort to say something to me/about me.
maybe..i need to talk to my therapist, or something. in the whole like, what, 9/10 years hes been seeing me, hes only seen me cry once that i can remember. i dont feel like anything i say/reason with/to gets through to him. its like arguing with a wall.
he just tells me to be happy and not to let others influence or shit upon my happiness.
great idea, doc! i'll get right to that. got an ice pick i can shove into my ear and maybe if idont kill myself in the process, switch that little switch off that cares?!
and we pay you fucking money, too.
and my dads been out of a job for i dont know how long. a year maybe? he's been doing odd jobs and jobs for my moms friends all year. and mom goes to work, 9-5. and we're close to being poor, and i feel so fucking helpless right now.
not just about this, but everything. EVERYTHING.
i cope with the lonliness as best as i can. most days, i dont notice it.
but nights like these i cant dodge depressions arrow and she shoots me in the heart.
what i would fucking give to be numb right now.
so. bad.
just a little.
if i even consider going to see my doctor, he'll have to make it worth our fucking time like seriously.
my mom cant take days off/get off early too much more untill after christmas.
and even if i do see him, im afraid he'll piss me off and i'll tell him off.
and..
...i'll lose another friend...
i cant do this. i cant cope. i wish i was in college with everyone else. im so alone. so pathedic. so worthless.
im not fucking fishing for pity here. thats the last fucking thing i want.
I NEED HELP.