It's been a really long time.
I don't know how to describe time's passing. Just last post, it was July, and I had no idea of the new year I was facing, and now it's nearly over.
I changed. I stopped trying so hard to connect, to transcribe my life onto some corner of the internet. I stopped loving my best friend. I stopped staying awake until the ungodly hours of the morning. And I feel bad about Vegas, I feel bad about UV radiation, I feel bad about sitting in a chair for hours reading, I feel bad, I feel guilt.
But when I keep trying - and I do keep trying, that's new too - it doesn't work. There's no shojo heroine spark. No heavenly assistance. If I walk away from such a huge part of my life, the hole in me can't forget how, even in its worst moments, it had beauty. So I'll stay, half-mended, travelng between the place I should be and the place I can't really get over.
So now that all the romancing is over, I:
-essentially flunked nothing (yet)
-got sick on the musical auditions I waited a year for
-got halfway through a test; researched a question and found out the answer I put down was wrong, but decided to keep it wrong since I looked it up
-washed face often enough to eliminate majority of acne, forgot to wash face one morning, then got it again
-made wardrobe decisions that caused me to be called an 'adult' or 'grandma' even though my real grandmother gave me hell today
-missed a blood lab I have to redo
-started to clamp up around people, heaven forbid I don't become an introvert
-read some manga, reread some manga, watched howl's moving castle and all 4 inuyasha mvoies
I changed. I stopped trying so hard to connect, to transcribe my life onto some corner of the internet. I stopped loving my best friend. I stopped staying awake until the ungodly hours of the morning. And I feel bad about Vegas, I feel bad about UV radiation, I feel bad about sitting in a chair for hours reading, I feel bad, I feel guilt.
But when I keep trying - and I do keep trying, that's new too - it doesn't work. There's no shojo heroine spark. No heavenly assistance. If I walk away from such a huge part of my life, the hole in me can't forget how, even in its worst moments, it had beauty. So I'll stay, half-mended, travelng between the place I should be and the place I can't really get over.
So now that all the romancing is over, I:
-essentially flunked nothing (yet)
-got sick on the musical auditions I waited a year for
-got halfway through a test; researched a question and found out the answer I put down was wrong, but decided to keep it wrong since I looked it up
-washed face often enough to eliminate majority of acne, forgot to wash face one morning, then got it again
-made wardrobe decisions that caused me to be called an 'adult' or 'grandma' even though my real grandmother gave me hell today
-missed a blood lab I have to redo
-started to clamp up around people, heaven forbid I don't become an introvert
-read some manga, reread some manga, watched howl's moving castle and all 4 inuyasha mvoies