5. Goodbye
I laughed trying to play off my emotions when all I really wanted to do was cry.
I tried to lose myself in other things even though all I really wanted to do was say "please, touch me"
For once I fought my raw pain because you broke me too much and I didn't want you to see.
Now was when I needed you the most. Now was when the void was the largest.
You left me with nothing.
Not even a goodbye. No harsh words to remember. No sound. Just emptiness.
My mind ached to remember the last touch, the last taste of your mouth.
The feel of your fingertips.
I wanted to be able to brand all the sensations on to my brain.
But there was nothing.
You didn't respect me.
You didn't respect my feelings or thoughts.
You certainly didn't respect what we had and all that we gave each other.
You just decided and brushed it off like if it never existed.
You were always the stronger one.
You were the one to hold back, to draw lines.
I crossed them, made them invisible, danced right through them.
I was never as strong.
I cursed myself as the proof of my weakness trailed down my face.
I wanted, so desperately, for you to hold me.
I wanted to scream at you.
Blame you for my complete dependence on you to feel like someone fucking loved me.
Because you always made me feel beautiful.
You made me feel like I could be wanted.
You made my flaws dissapear.
All this time, nothing really mattered, because I had you.
Whenever my heart was shattered and my hopes evaporated, you were there to fill me up again.
But what do I do now, when you are the one who breaks my heart and kills my faith?
I cry, as your silent body lays as far as possible from me on this cold bed.
I cry and I think this is where you belong.
I cry and I realize I cannot deal with the thought of having you so close when I know you are no longer mine.
I don't want you near me again.
Not if I can't love you.
Lastly, I cry because I know that if someone breaks it has to be me. I know that you never will.
I want to believe your reasons.
I want to believe that this to save me from myself and an end that must inevitably come, but all I can think is that you don't want me. Not enough.
All I can see is the space between us on the white sheets.
The sheets that once held us, bathed in our love. Always warm in the center of bed where we slept wrapped in each other.
Now cold, catching my last tear, as the morning sun flashes over your sleeping form for the last time.
I tried to lose myself in other things even though all I really wanted to do was say "please, touch me"
For once I fought my raw pain because you broke me too much and I didn't want you to see.
Now was when I needed you the most. Now was when the void was the largest.
You left me with nothing.
Not even a goodbye. No harsh words to remember. No sound. Just emptiness.
My mind ached to remember the last touch, the last taste of your mouth.
The feel of your fingertips.
I wanted to be able to brand all the sensations on to my brain.
But there was nothing.
You didn't respect me.
You didn't respect my feelings or thoughts.
You certainly didn't respect what we had and all that we gave each other.
You just decided and brushed it off like if it never existed.
You were always the stronger one.
You were the one to hold back, to draw lines.
I crossed them, made them invisible, danced right through them.
I was never as strong.
I cursed myself as the proof of my weakness trailed down my face.
I wanted, so desperately, for you to hold me.
I wanted to scream at you.
Blame you for my complete dependence on you to feel like someone fucking loved me.
Because you always made me feel beautiful.
You made me feel like I could be wanted.
You made my flaws dissapear.
All this time, nothing really mattered, because I had you.
Whenever my heart was shattered and my hopes evaporated, you were there to fill me up again.
But what do I do now, when you are the one who breaks my heart and kills my faith?
I cry, as your silent body lays as far as possible from me on this cold bed.
I cry and I think this is where you belong.
I cry and I realize I cannot deal with the thought of having you so close when I know you are no longer mine.
I don't want you near me again.
Not if I can't love you.
Lastly, I cry because I know that if someone breaks it has to be me. I know that you never will.
I want to believe your reasons.
I want to believe that this to save me from myself and an end that must inevitably come, but all I can think is that you don't want me. Not enough.
All I can see is the space between us on the white sheets.
The sheets that once held us, bathed in our love. Always warm in the center of bed where we slept wrapped in each other.
Now cold, catching my last tear, as the morning sun flashes over your sleeping form for the last time.