I read this, and it's surprising how much most of your experience mirrors my own -- thinking I'm ugly and a boring person, getting insults over the color of my skin and being short, being rejected by guys, feeling inadequate next to prettier friends/family members. I'm 32 now, and I still have to work at liking myself, and I don't always succeed.
it doesn't help that in my parents' house, they call me "negra (nigger is another)" cause i'm not as fair as my siblings. and they call me "ugly" too.
This makes me really sad. I got dumped on outside the house but at least I didn't have to take it from my parents (some people do). Racism is bad enough, no one should have to take intraracism from anyone, especially not from their own families. And that's what it is -- racism. Sorry to talk bad about your family, but they are racist, and colorstruck, and WRONG. They're as wrong as two left shoes.
i feel like a self-righteous, selfish bitch who couldn't be happy for my friend.
I don't think you are. It sounds like your friend got where she is on looks and not merit, and you have a right to be upset. It doesn't mean that there's anything personal against your friend.
I don't know what you look like, but I can tell you for a fact that your skin color or your height doesn't make you ugly. Even if you look like the Elephant Man (which I'm sure you don't), you still deserve respect and as long as you're a person who treats everyone with respect and works hard, then you're a good person.
You said you've tried counseling. Maybe you could try going back. Sometimes it takes a while for it to really begin helping. Sometimes it does help, but you need to keep going in order to maintain it. If the counselor you have doesn't doing it for you, try another one.
it doesn't help that in my parents' house, they call me "negra (nigger is another)" cause i'm not as fair as my siblings. and they call me "ugly" too.
This makes me really sad. I got dumped on outside the house but at least I didn't have to take it from my parents (some people do). Racism is bad enough, no one should have to take intraracism from anyone, especially not from their own families. And that's what it is -- racism. Sorry to talk bad about your family, but they are racist, and colorstruck, and WRONG. They're as wrong as two left shoes.
i feel like a self-righteous, selfish bitch who couldn't be happy for my friend.
I don't think you are. It sounds like your friend got where she is on looks and not merit, and you have a right to be upset. It doesn't mean that there's anything personal against your friend.
I don't know what you look like, but I can tell you for a fact that your skin color or your height doesn't make you ugly. Even if you look like the Elephant Man (which I'm sure you don't), you still deserve respect and as long as you're a person who treats everyone with respect and works hard, then you're a good person.
You said you've tried counseling. Maybe you could try going back. Sometimes it takes a while for it to really begin helping. Sometimes it does help, but you need to keep going in order to maintain it. If the counselor you have doesn't doing it for you, try another one.
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