Welcome to my life: HELL
okay so going to make this short as a quick update. me and phillip relationship wise are doing fine. we still have our moments, but still doing alright.
jamison is healthy and for the most part happy. he squeals when he is excited and people think he is crying. kinda annoying...plus it hurts. my mother taught him the high pitched squeal thing.
oh...we moved into the trailer finally. but only to end up losing it because apparently no one is hiring in chattanooga. and i mean no one. not to mention chattanooga state commuity college fucked both of us over. royally.
he ended up failing a class cause when he lived with amber and jason, they never took him to that one class. so he lost his grants.
something went wrong with my fafsa, so idk what the hell is going on. just know i paid application fee and everything, just to be told i dont have an A number. no student id number what so ever. so im not in school. once again. plans fail.
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also during this time i gained a BEAUTIFUL blue pitbull, we named chaos. Crown Royal Chaos. lol its was funny the looks people gave us when we asked him to settle down. but that was his life. chaos. i took him in after seeing him run around for days, and almost get hit by 3 different cars.
after a little training, he got along fine with lou lou. and bailey. and eclipse.
oh he loved eclipse!
was also working on him on the pulling thing. aggression to other dogs. and cats. got him gaining weight perfectly. but never could get him over his fear of fire. even lighting a cigerette freaked him the fuck out. (he had a large mark on his side that looked like a healing burn mark).
during christmas he stayed at natashia's and through snow storm and what not. so glad i got him before then, he would have frozen to death....
anyways, so a little bit before my birthday this woman across the street from natashia's called the cops saying i stole her dog. i took him to vet and everything and there was no records of him. no microchip. nothing. got his parvo shots, cause i didnt want him making my dogs sick.
cops tried taking me and phillip to jail. because i had no proof of ownership. when the lady had pictures of another blue male, that looked simular, but to someone that really knows pits, and dogs period. it wasnt the same dog. the dog in pics was darker, no white tipped tail. and the white spot on the back of neck was a little smaller, different shape, and on the OTHER side.
cop said if i had $140 to bring McKamey out to scan him, prove he didnt have a chip, i could keep him. i didnt have the money or i would have done it in a heart beat. they forced me to hand him over and chaos was pulling and fighting against them. you could tell he didnt want to go.... and here a while back it was pouring rain and i saw him outside. on a thick ass chain. in the rain. no shelter.... if the car wasnt there i would have taken him in a heartbeat... he whined and yelped, as close to the wall of the house as he could to get away from the rain...it was heart breaking.
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so out of lack of anywhere else to go. we come to my friend's house. i dont feel like i belong. i fake it.. but its not my territory. idk if anyone else views life like an animals instinct things and whatnot. but when i am someplace i dont belong...im not my real self.
...the bad thing is i have no where else to go. everyone thinks i can go back to my parents house but no one understands the situation fully enough. the whole time i was pregnant all they could talk about is how much my son would love THEM. how much time he would stay in THEIR home. how much THEY would spoil him and provide for him. how much THEY love him and want him.
they go around telling everyone this but what the fail to tell people is what goes on "behind the scenes" so to speak. it seems like everytime i have been pregnant (i have ALOT of trouble carrying full term to ovarian cists and beginning cancer)all they ever want is my child.
example, the last time i was pregnant and i posted on livejournal (before jamison) i was pregnant, they wanted me home. they wanted me back. oh they love me so much. but when i miscarried and they found out about it. not even 4 days later was i kicked back out onto the streets again. just to go back to that old abandoned house. its torn down btw so i can never go back there again for shelter.
i just dont understand why people are so convinced i have option after option. my family turned their back on me a few years ago. 1, because my father isnt really my father like everyone including me thought. 2 because i was dating garth and i was naive, and he stole from them. 3, because i had a baby out of wedlock.
idk wtf i did wrong doing what everyone else in my family has done. my grandmother ("dads" mom) wasnt married until her 3rd child. at least i was older than 14 to have a baby!!!!
why is that so wrong? yeah, i get it i didnt finish highschool. but at least i went back and got my GED 3-4 years ago. way before i had a baby. or even got pregnant.
ive TRIED going back to school and starting college. my FAFSA didnt go through and everytime i apply for another grant, something doesnt go right or i get denied. idk why im denied. i HAD a come. I HAVE a car. basically no family. no friends. i got fired from my job for being too smart and telling my manager how to use a fucking flash drive. because of me she didnt get fired. she never backed up computer files. but i did. i saved her ass. and when i explained multiple times, even wrote out a step by step process on how to do it, I get fired. for trying to help. so she could do it herself on days i wasnt working.
given i didnt try to get another job until my son was 3 months old. but he is now 7 months and i have put in applications EVERYWHERE. doesnt help that i dont have a phone to call on either. now im really fucked cause my phone is MIA, his phone is dead, and guess what? the charger is in chattanooga. yay. oh how wonderful.
now on the 17th this month, i am going to have to travel to tallapoosa ga to go see some of my family. they want to see jamison and i have an aunt coming from washington state that has never met him. im torn on going... because i see them with him and how they all love him and want him to do well but not a SINGLE damn one of them can help me with anything.
christmas before last when i was pregnant. all i wanted was to just go and see my family. but my mom said she wasnt going to come get me cause i was with garth. said she wasnt even going at all. so when i called my grandmother, she said, exact words, "sorry, but i am too busy with my family to come get you. why dont you get garth to pedal you over on his bicycle?"
HER family.... something im not apart of..... and i was 3 and a half months pergnant and in east ridge. they were in soddy. that is over 30 min in a car alone...
34 miles. and they wanted me to be doubled on the handlebars of a bicycle?
idk...im sick of this... im scared. dunno what the fuck to do. im stuck. lost. hurt. depressed. oh god am i depressed....i cant even hardly look my own son in the eyes cause i know i failed him.... im a terrible mother. i dont deserve him...alex is right... maybe i should just let my mother just take over custody. at least he will have a home. he may never know me... but at least he will never know the hardships i had to go through. the shit im going through now... will never have to live in a cold, empty house in winter. or a car. bounce from place to place and worry about losing his new home... at least he wont have to go through that... at least he wont have to see me go crazy, be so depressed, and watch me slowly fade away.....
jamison is healthy and for the most part happy. he squeals when he is excited and people think he is crying. kinda annoying...plus it hurts. my mother taught him the high pitched squeal thing.
oh...we moved into the trailer finally. but only to end up losing it because apparently no one is hiring in chattanooga. and i mean no one. not to mention chattanooga state commuity college fucked both of us over. royally.
he ended up failing a class cause when he lived with amber and jason, they never took him to that one class. so he lost his grants.
something went wrong with my fafsa, so idk what the hell is going on. just know i paid application fee and everything, just to be told i dont have an A number. no student id number what so ever. so im not in school. once again. plans fail.
------------------------------------------------
also during this time i gained a BEAUTIFUL blue pitbull, we named chaos. Crown Royal Chaos. lol its was funny the looks people gave us when we asked him to settle down. but that was his life. chaos. i took him in after seeing him run around for days, and almost get hit by 3 different cars.
after a little training, he got along fine with lou lou. and bailey. and eclipse.
oh he loved eclipse!
was also working on him on the pulling thing. aggression to other dogs. and cats. got him gaining weight perfectly. but never could get him over his fear of fire. even lighting a cigerette freaked him the fuck out. (he had a large mark on his side that looked like a healing burn mark).
during christmas he stayed at natashia's and through snow storm and what not. so glad i got him before then, he would have frozen to death....
anyways, so a little bit before my birthday this woman across the street from natashia's called the cops saying i stole her dog. i took him to vet and everything and there was no records of him. no microchip. nothing. got his parvo shots, cause i didnt want him making my dogs sick.
cops tried taking me and phillip to jail. because i had no proof of ownership. when the lady had pictures of another blue male, that looked simular, but to someone that really knows pits, and dogs period. it wasnt the same dog. the dog in pics was darker, no white tipped tail. and the white spot on the back of neck was a little smaller, different shape, and on the OTHER side.
cop said if i had $140 to bring McKamey out to scan him, prove he didnt have a chip, i could keep him. i didnt have the money or i would have done it in a heart beat. they forced me to hand him over and chaos was pulling and fighting against them. you could tell he didnt want to go.... and here a while back it was pouring rain and i saw him outside. on a thick ass chain. in the rain. no shelter.... if the car wasnt there i would have taken him in a heartbeat... he whined and yelped, as close to the wall of the house as he could to get away from the rain...it was heart breaking.
---------------------------------------------
so out of lack of anywhere else to go. we come to my friend's house. i dont feel like i belong. i fake it.. but its not my territory. idk if anyone else views life like an animals instinct things and whatnot. but when i am someplace i dont belong...im not my real self.
...the bad thing is i have no where else to go. everyone thinks i can go back to my parents house but no one understands the situation fully enough. the whole time i was pregnant all they could talk about is how much my son would love THEM. how much time he would stay in THEIR home. how much THEY would spoil him and provide for him. how much THEY love him and want him.
they go around telling everyone this but what the fail to tell people is what goes on "behind the scenes" so to speak. it seems like everytime i have been pregnant (i have ALOT of trouble carrying full term to ovarian cists and beginning cancer)all they ever want is my child.
example, the last time i was pregnant and i posted on livejournal (before jamison) i was pregnant, they wanted me home. they wanted me back. oh they love me so much. but when i miscarried and they found out about it. not even 4 days later was i kicked back out onto the streets again. just to go back to that old abandoned house. its torn down btw so i can never go back there again for shelter.
i just dont understand why people are so convinced i have option after option. my family turned their back on me a few years ago. 1, because my father isnt really my father like everyone including me thought. 2 because i was dating garth and i was naive, and he stole from them. 3, because i had a baby out of wedlock.
idk wtf i did wrong doing what everyone else in my family has done. my grandmother ("dads" mom) wasnt married until her 3rd child. at least i was older than 14 to have a baby!!!!
why is that so wrong? yeah, i get it i didnt finish highschool. but at least i went back and got my GED 3-4 years ago. way before i had a baby. or even got pregnant.
ive TRIED going back to school and starting college. my FAFSA didnt go through and everytime i apply for another grant, something doesnt go right or i get denied. idk why im denied. i HAD a come. I HAVE a car. basically no family. no friends. i got fired from my job for being too smart and telling my manager how to use a fucking flash drive. because of me she didnt get fired. she never backed up computer files. but i did. i saved her ass. and when i explained multiple times, even wrote out a step by step process on how to do it, I get fired. for trying to help. so she could do it herself on days i wasnt working.
given i didnt try to get another job until my son was 3 months old. but he is now 7 months and i have put in applications EVERYWHERE. doesnt help that i dont have a phone to call on either. now im really fucked cause my phone is MIA, his phone is dead, and guess what? the charger is in chattanooga. yay. oh how wonderful.
now on the 17th this month, i am going to have to travel to tallapoosa ga to go see some of my family. they want to see jamison and i have an aunt coming from washington state that has never met him. im torn on going... because i see them with him and how they all love him and want him to do well but not a SINGLE damn one of them can help me with anything.
christmas before last when i was pregnant. all i wanted was to just go and see my family. but my mom said she wasnt going to come get me cause i was with garth. said she wasnt even going at all. so when i called my grandmother, she said, exact words, "sorry, but i am too busy with my family to come get you. why dont you get garth to pedal you over on his bicycle?"
HER family.... something im not apart of..... and i was 3 and a half months pergnant and in east ridge. they were in soddy. that is over 30 min in a car alone...
34 miles. and they wanted me to be doubled on the handlebars of a bicycle?
idk...im sick of this... im scared. dunno what the fuck to do. im stuck. lost. hurt. depressed. oh god am i depressed....i cant even hardly look my own son in the eyes cause i know i failed him.... im a terrible mother. i dont deserve him...alex is right... maybe i should just let my mother just take over custody. at least he will have a home. he may never know me... but at least he will never know the hardships i had to go through. the shit im going through now... will never have to live in a cold, empty house in winter. or a car. bounce from place to place and worry about losing his new home... at least he wont have to go through that... at least he wont have to see me go crazy, be so depressed, and watch me slowly fade away.....