mama drama and baby?
So I was over at Garth's stepmon/godmom person, Rachele's house and I started to look around and really take in some things. For one, this family actually gets along. Yeah ever family has their issues but over there every one was relaxed and actually took time to work things out. And thats nice. There was no fussing. No yelling. Soft argument from the 13 year old but otherwise that was it. Its the kind of family I hope to have.
In the living room they had 2 different TV's. There was one large one, and a smaller one. I asked of the reason why and found that its so people can watch TV, and play games at the same time in one room as a family. Two of the kids were even reading there. And I love that. I suppose its the sence of security or what not, but it felt....like it should have been home. The family didnt have a whole lot of money, and you could tell that. But you could also tell they were close. Real close. Closer than my family even, and I thought that was pretty damn close.
Ive also been thinking, today is Christmas Eve...Then tomorrow comes Christmas Day. A part of me feels empty in the inside. Garth and I pretty much have no one to spend this special day with. Okay, over there at Rachele's house, Aunt Carrie...and maybe Garth's grandmother if we can get over there. But thats it. It feels like I have no family now.
I remember when I was alot younger I thought my family was HUGE! I mean I thought it was the biggest in the world almost. But now that I am alot older...theres almost no one. Give or take there has been a death or two...but thats typical and Im not counting that. I thought it was something else cause I had 3 families. My mom's, dad's, and Jim's.
Now, there is mom and Jim, mammaw and Ronnie (Erin, pop, nana), Aunt Renee and Nancy, Granny, and Cousins Carrie & Kevin (Blake, Aiden) on my mom's side.
On Jim's there is Becky and Mitchel. Linda and Lindsay (their babies). Andrew and Heidi (and my neice and neffew, but they are hardly around). and Granny Toby.... and other than Granny, the rest are sort of to me, not completely family. Only time I ever see them is at Thanksgiving. Sometimes Christmas, maybe once or twice every now and then. But thats it, Im not really close to them.
On my dad's (Troy) side, there is Aunt Trina and Stanley (Tabitha, Lou Lou, and the rest of Tadpole's kids). Jason (messes around with random women, and uses Granny) Granny Leota, who I like to feel I am closest to, and is so old the family problems confuse and are just too much for her, she no longer understands everything. My dad's sister Trina (who I NEVER see, other than at Grandpa's Funeral-she hates my mom, and therefore me too I guess...) Then Aunt Wanda who helps Granny,there is Shane...dont really want to get into that right now. There is Kenny, Dustin & Dakota (my cousins I grew up with) But they have gotten alot older since Ive last been around them, its probably uncool to hang out with a girl to them. We used to be close, but things changed when they stopped coming around so often, now its like I dont even know them anymore. The same goes for all the rest of my family.
My dad's side seems to be the largest...yet they are the ones I feel the furthest from.
I dont know if its because I am older, and starting to actually see things. When before I didnt understand or really know what was going on. Or it could be my body/hormones putting me into some kinda of mild depression. Or god knows what. Its...I dont know.
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I guess my dad has pretty much said to hell with me since I am 18 now...I havent heard from him or anything. I call and no one answers. Ive actually been in the area and drove by, saw no one there. The van wasnt there or anything. Garage door shut (which is rare). Its been almost a year now since Ive actually felt wanted over there, since my last visit. My last time of him getting me.
I understand I am 18, planning on getting married, and starting a family of my own...But I still need daddy's hugs too you know? It's not fair....
My grandmother Leota thinks somehow I have lied to her about god knows what.
My mom hates me because Im pregnant and refuse to kill my baby like she wants me to. She can get over it. I just cant believe she honestly thinks I am going to give her my child, when she wants me to kill it. Thats bullshit! Thats like saying, oh, Ill take care of your pet, even though I said I was taking it to the pound. Its not right. At this point she could consider herself lucky to get a ultrasound or picture of it after its born. Just to see what she wanted killed, murdered, gone. To see what she missed out on.
My mammaw...lets just say Im not sure where she stands. But I am a bit intimidated considering I am pregnant. Another reason, because I am marrying Garth right before he goes into the Army.
Its practically already Christmas and yet I am too scared to confront my own damn family. The thing is, everyone loved and Embraced the idea I may have had a child, even my mom. But now the way my mom is treating me and acting. Its giving me second thoughts....
In the living room they had 2 different TV's. There was one large one, and a smaller one. I asked of the reason why and found that its so people can watch TV, and play games at the same time in one room as a family. Two of the kids were even reading there. And I love that. I suppose its the sence of security or what not, but it felt....like it should have been home. The family didnt have a whole lot of money, and you could tell that. But you could also tell they were close. Real close. Closer than my family even, and I thought that was pretty damn close.
Ive also been thinking, today is Christmas Eve...Then tomorrow comes Christmas Day. A part of me feels empty in the inside. Garth and I pretty much have no one to spend this special day with. Okay, over there at Rachele's house, Aunt Carrie...and maybe Garth's grandmother if we can get over there. But thats it. It feels like I have no family now.
I remember when I was alot younger I thought my family was HUGE! I mean I thought it was the biggest in the world almost. But now that I am alot older...theres almost no one. Give or take there has been a death or two...but thats typical and Im not counting that. I thought it was something else cause I had 3 families. My mom's, dad's, and Jim's.
Now, there is mom and Jim, mammaw and Ronnie (Erin, pop, nana), Aunt Renee and Nancy, Granny, and Cousins Carrie & Kevin (Blake, Aiden) on my mom's side.
On Jim's there is Becky and Mitchel. Linda and Lindsay (their babies). Andrew and Heidi (and my neice and neffew, but they are hardly around). and Granny Toby.... and other than Granny, the rest are sort of to me, not completely family. Only time I ever see them is at Thanksgiving. Sometimes Christmas, maybe once or twice every now and then. But thats it, Im not really close to them.
On my dad's (Troy) side, there is Aunt Trina and Stanley (Tabitha, Lou Lou, and the rest of Tadpole's kids). Jason (messes around with random women, and uses Granny) Granny Leota, who I like to feel I am closest to, and is so old the family problems confuse and are just too much for her, she no longer understands everything. My dad's sister Trina (who I NEVER see, other than at Grandpa's Funeral-she hates my mom, and therefore me too I guess...) Then Aunt Wanda who helps Granny,there is Shane...dont really want to get into that right now. There is Kenny, Dustin & Dakota (my cousins I grew up with) But they have gotten alot older since Ive last been around them, its probably uncool to hang out with a girl to them. We used to be close, but things changed when they stopped coming around so often, now its like I dont even know them anymore. The same goes for all the rest of my family.
My dad's side seems to be the largest...yet they are the ones I feel the furthest from.
I dont know if its because I am older, and starting to actually see things. When before I didnt understand or really know what was going on. Or it could be my body/hormones putting me into some kinda of mild depression. Or god knows what. Its...I dont know.
_______________________________________________________________
I guess my dad has pretty much said to hell with me since I am 18 now...I havent heard from him or anything. I call and no one answers. Ive actually been in the area and drove by, saw no one there. The van wasnt there or anything. Garage door shut (which is rare). Its been almost a year now since Ive actually felt wanted over there, since my last visit. My last time of him getting me.
I understand I am 18, planning on getting married, and starting a family of my own...But I still need daddy's hugs too you know? It's not fair....
My grandmother Leota thinks somehow I have lied to her about god knows what.
My mom hates me because Im pregnant and refuse to kill my baby like she wants me to. She can get over it. I just cant believe she honestly thinks I am going to give her my child, when she wants me to kill it. Thats bullshit! Thats like saying, oh, Ill take care of your pet, even though I said I was taking it to the pound. Its not right. At this point she could consider herself lucky to get a ultrasound or picture of it after its born. Just to see what she wanted killed, murdered, gone. To see what she missed out on.
My mammaw...lets just say Im not sure where she stands. But I am a bit intimidated considering I am pregnant. Another reason, because I am marrying Garth right before he goes into the Army.
Its practically already Christmas and yet I am too scared to confront my own damn family. The thing is, everyone loved and Embraced the idea I may have had a child, even my mom. But now the way my mom is treating me and acting. Its giving me second thoughts....