Thankful...
I figured she was checking things... I cant blame her... I probably would be too to be honest... admittedly I panicked... trying to find any which way to communicate. Even paypal lol (which i thought was pretty genius). Just anything... any way to let you know that you are still on my mind. You are still my first thought when I wake up, even as I lay snuggled in with my husband. My first thought. I feel the need to send you a good morning every day...but I cant.... then panic sets in because you are not there. And i know if she gets her way you never will be again... then... comes the sadness. The overwhelming feeling of dread and emptiness...
Im thankful to have LJ.... i check it constantly. It allows me a place to rant my thoughts in secret... while still knowing you are there. Small comfort. I even downloaded the app on my phone instead of constantly using hotspot.
Im thankful netflix was paid and is still there... to allow me some form of distraction... although now i have no one to talk to about the shows i watch... i so wanted to message sarah and tell her how much i liked Raising Dion... and rant about the last episodes. But i cant....
Brii noticed you arent on facebook anymore and shes started questioning me about it... i played dumb like i hadnt noticed... but i had. I know that you got home at 5:38 that morning and you were quite heavy on the gas doing so. I know that i kept refreshing...
Checking constantly... to see if she made you delete or block me again. I know that at 8:48 am... things were still there. You were still there. I know at 10:51am... life 360 was shaded out. You were gone. Your messenger...gone... your page... gone... everything...gone... you...were gone....you ghosted me... and that was the most painful feeling i could imagine... so ive been on this weird constant state of being on edge since... i dont sleep well. Which is easy for me to place blame on the puppies... but in truth all i want if to be able to hold you and kiss you and be in your arms again... and knowing ill never have that again is completely devastating... and i dont know what to do with myself.
Im thankful for LJ because at least theres this secret. Although small, its a tiny comfort to see you are still there. And so long as we dont message once another through here and just keep as we are doing we should be fine....right? Its just a private way to make personal data entries right?