moon, would you leave your sky?
There are people and places that I can't keep pretending to be happy or content with. I hate coming into the house and feeling tension or feeling like I have to make nice with everyone and anyone who seems to come through here (I don't mind having people over, or the people that come over...maybe it's just the context). I am tired, sick and losing my motivation to get work done.
I need a change. I'm not sure how drastic, but it needs to be soon. Maybe I'll run off this weekend and do something...
This weekend was the highschool and amateur improv tournament that Jen and myself organized. It was went really well. Actually, better than I expected. And it really got me thinking...
These kids (the highschool ones) have so much excitement for what's to come and were so amazing. There was a freshness and eagerness that was inside them and shone through. Where did mine go? When did I lose my luster for life? I saw a glimpse of it while leading the kids in workshops. I saw the spark of 'Tundra' and just as quickly as she came, was gone again. I don't want bursts of it. I want life to be like that all the time.
I haven't felt this old in a while. And I know that I joke about being old all the time...but this is different. I felt so detached from the world. I still kind of do. And that got me thinking about all the life and death that has happened this year...I've already had 20 years of life. And I sure would like to have a lot more.
Brandie and I once talked about the worst kind of life to lead...and I said that I never wanted to have a mediocre life. That is what this life of mine is turning into. Everything seems so plain and stable and empty. Where is my adventure? My passion?
I don't know how much longer things with Kyle will keep going. Wow, that's scary. I sure haven't said that out loud yet. My mom can tell something is up and has the whole family asking subtle (and some not-so-subtle) questions. I just haven't really felt wanted or needed by him lately. I know that we are both creatures of habit and the year has hit high-stress time. But am I just a routine for him now? I'm probably over-analyzing all of this...but I'm just feeling a little lost right now in general. I want to be woo-ed. I want to feel the rush of seeing him and knowing that he's just as excited to see me.
I don't know what will happen. I hope that we can figure something out. Maybe it's just me being an emotional loser who is too stressed about everything and is all over the place...I think I need to get some real sleep instead of this random half sleeping I've been doing lately.
I need a change. I'm not sure how drastic, but it needs to be soon. Maybe I'll run off this weekend and do something...
This weekend was the highschool and amateur improv tournament that Jen and myself organized. It was went really well. Actually, better than I expected. And it really got me thinking...
These kids (the highschool ones) have so much excitement for what's to come and were so amazing. There was a freshness and eagerness that was inside them and shone through. Where did mine go? When did I lose my luster for life? I saw a glimpse of it while leading the kids in workshops. I saw the spark of 'Tundra' and just as quickly as she came, was gone again. I don't want bursts of it. I want life to be like that all the time.
I haven't felt this old in a while. And I know that I joke about being old all the time...but this is different. I felt so detached from the world. I still kind of do. And that got me thinking about all the life and death that has happened this year...I've already had 20 years of life. And I sure would like to have a lot more.
Brandie and I once talked about the worst kind of life to lead...and I said that I never wanted to have a mediocre life. That is what this life of mine is turning into. Everything seems so plain and stable and empty. Where is my adventure? My passion?
I don't know how much longer things with Kyle will keep going. Wow, that's scary. I sure haven't said that out loud yet. My mom can tell something is up and has the whole family asking subtle (and some not-so-subtle) questions. I just haven't really felt wanted or needed by him lately. I know that we are both creatures of habit and the year has hit high-stress time. But am I just a routine for him now? I'm probably over-analyzing all of this...but I'm just feeling a little lost right now in general. I want to be woo-ed. I want to feel the rush of seeing him and knowing that he's just as excited to see me.
I don't know what will happen. I hope that we can figure something out. Maybe it's just me being an emotional loser who is too stressed about everything and is all over the place...I think I need to get some real sleep instead of this random half sleeping I've been doing lately.