Fic: If Only I Could Be There Too
Title: If Only I Could Be There Too
Characters: Sun, Kate
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1564
Spoilers: Through 4x06, “316”.
Summary: Sun’s missing time before the flight back to the island.
Disclaimer: I don't own Lost or its characters.
Notes: Sun never got adequate focus on her dilemma of leaving her daughter behind as she returned to the island, or showed any curiosity about Kate without Aaron. This is her point of view as a mother with an unthinkable choice.
Sun walked out of the church with her head spinning. She felt like she had been dropped in to a physics lecture at the University in the middle of the year for the first time. Concepts she didn’t understand, and didn’t want to understand, now demanded her focus. There was a lot that never made sense from what she had left behind in the Pacific, the least of which was that the island had disappeared. But one thing she thought she had come to terms with over the past three years was that she had seen her husband die. Now the horrible little man had brought her the most incredible news, and she didn’t really know whether to believe him or not - after all, he was a known liar and had tried to manipulate all her friends at one point or another. But she had no choice.
The sidewalk was empty outside the church. Desmond had disappeared some time ago, Ben was inside, and Jack had gone further into its depths with the oddly school-marmish woman who had promised them the key to their return. Her rental car was miles away at the marina, where Kate had hurriedly gathered up a sleepy Aaron from the back seat, car seat and all, after getting angry at Jack and Ben. She said she’d call her but she didn’t look like she knew what she was doing. Kate always ran, then stopped to think of her next step. How different she was from herself, thought Sun. She had always stayed put but let her thoughts go on the run.
Right now her thoughts were running in such scattered directions she could sympathize with Kate’s instinct to just run. But she was here because Jin’s ring had brought her here, and was drawing her back to the island. She looked up to the sky, the shortest direction to the ones she loved, so far away and so far from each other.
Ji Yeon. What about her? She couldn’t leave her daughter if she was to go on this crazy journey. She was safe in Seoul with her mother - but a trip to London or L.A. was one thing, a trip back to either an unescapable island or just plain death was something entirely different. Her breath quickened just thinking about Ji Yeon and her little laugh, her tiny fingers, the way she played with her little horse. She missed her so much it felt like a hole in the pit of her stomach.
She took out her cell phone and dialed her mother’s. It was morning.
“Hello, sweetheart,” said her mother in Korean.
“Is Ji Yeon up, Mother?” asked Sun. “Please let me talk to her.”
“Yes, sweetie, she’s just having breakfast. Is something wrong?” asked her mother, noting the strain in Sun’s voice.
“Put her on first, then we’ll talk.”
“Say hello to your mother,” Sun heard her mother say in the background.
“Hi, mama” said a small voice that panged Sun’s heart.
“Sweet potato! Hi, honey! How is my baby?”
“Good. (pause) I have a new doll.”
“How nice! What’s her name?”
“Kitty.”
“That’s a nice name. Well I want you to promise me something, Ji Yeon. I want you and Kitty to be very very good girls for Grandma. Mommy has to be away for a little while longer. Can you promise me that, sweetheart?”
“OK, Mama. When are you coming home?”
“Before you know it, honey. I love you. Can you give the phone to Grandma now?”
“Bye, mama.” In a moment Mrs. Paik came on the phone.
“So you’re not coming home tomorrow after all?”
“Mother, something really big has come up.” She paused. “I found out that Jin might be alive.”
There was a silence at the other end of the phone.
“Someone who knows told me that he is alive, and he’s on…another island, near where we were rescued. I know it sounds crazy, but I believe him. And I have to go.”
“But honey, why do you have to go there? Can’t you just wait for him to be processed by the rescue people like you were?”
“It’s complicated, Mother, and I don’t have time to explain everything. I’m telling you so you’ll know. And you know I have to get him back. But please don’t tell Father. Tell him I’m on a new venture. And oh, I will be out of cell phone range. I’ll call when I get back.”
“Dear, this sounds dangerous. I don’t think this is the right course of action. Why don’t you come home and we’ll talk about it.”
“I have to go to get Jin, mother. Please - please take care of Ji Yeon.”
She hung up before her sob could break free from her chest. She felt like she was falling down a hole with no bottom.
Sun walked for a bit on the dark street, her tears invisible but burning in her eyes. Soon she came to a thoroughfare where she caught a cab back to the marina, picked up her car, and returned to the hotel. She packed a few things - so many of the items she had found to be useful back on the island - sneakers, a pocket knife, a bathing suit - were not the sort of things she brought with her to L.A. on her aborted mission to kill Ben. A gun. Now a gun would be useful; it always was on the island, but she could never get it on the plane. Her thoughts strayed to the what-if - what if she had been successful in her plan, and killed Ben before he could tell her about Jin being alive? No, something was at work to get her back to the island, to bring her back to Jin. She could feel it. He had survived the raft explosion against all odds. Maybe the sea had recognized one of its own and carried him home. She lay awake most of the night, turning it over in her mind.
The next morning, her cell phone sprang to life. It was Kate. She was in the lobby, and wanted to come up.
“You look exhausted,” said Sun to her as she opened the door. She had Aaron on her hip. “Where have you been?”
“I’ve been doing a lot of driving,” Kate said with a weak smile. “Can Aaron watch one of those cartoon channels you found earlier, while we talk?” Her face belied desperation, and Sun set up Aaron on the loveseat, although he didn’t look as if he would stay awake long. They sat down in an alcove on the other side of the room.
“Are you going back to the island?” asked Kate.
“Yes. I have to see if Jin is really alive. After all this time believing he was dead - I just don’t know whether to get my hopes up, but I have to go.”
“What about your daughter?”
Sun bowed her head, the tears threatening to break free again. “I cannot bring her to such a place. My mother is going to take care of her.”
“I know what you’re going through, Sun,” said Kate, reaching for her hand. “I - I thought Claire was dead too, we all did, and, well, you know how Aaron got to be mine. And now he is mine. So much that I couldn’t tell Claire’s mother the truth two years ago. But -“ and she glanced furtively at Aaron, who was absorbed with the screen, “I think I have to go back too.”
“Kate, I’m really surprised,” said Sun. “You seemed so sure before.”
Now it was Kate who betrayed a tear. “We didn’t do the right thing. I have a chance to make it right. Claire may still be back there - if Jin survived, maybe wherever she is, she did too. I owe her that.”
“And Aaron - ?”
Kate sighed heavily. “You won’t believe this, but Claire’s mother is here in L.A. But she didn’t come to claim Aaron. She didn’t even know about him. Jack and I found out because - now you really won’t believe this - Ben hired the same lawyer to harass me.”
Sun breathed in with a start. “Can we trust anything Ben says? Should I believe him when he showed me Jin’s ring and told me he was alive?”
Kate shook her head, but said, “You have to, don’t you.”
“So you’re going to leave Aaron with Claire’s mother?” asked Sun quietly.
Kate stole a glance at Aaron again. “I have to.” Kate’s face looked frozen like a china doll, about to shatter.
Sun hugged her, and the tears flowed freely down both their faces. “He’ll be all right,” Sun tried to reassure her. “Grandmothers can bring up the children better than we can, I sometimes think. At least our children will be in the same boat,” Sun almost laughed at the irony.
Sun gave her the details of the flight they were supposed to take the next morning. “Will you be back? You’re welcome to stay here with me.”
“I don’t think so,” murmured Kate. “I have someplace else I need to be.” She wiped the tears away and called Aaron over. “Give Auntie Sun a hug, honey,” and Aaron obliged. The two women embraced another time and then Kate walked down the hallway, a small hand in hers, and didn’t look back.