(no subject)
*Disclaimer: This note is not meant to offend anyone. It's actually not written for anyone except for me. I've had a shit ton of stuff on my mind lately and I don't think I can do anything productive with my life until I get it all out. And Sarah encouraged me...
This week(end) I discovered that I really have some problems with self esteem and confidence. Not that I didn't already know that but it just really came to a head recently. I'm not entirely sure what the problem is or even why it's a problem. I don't think that I'm an incredibly fugly girl by any means. I'm not fat. I don't smell. I'm not dumb. I'm healthy. I'm clean. I'm funny. I'm smart. I'm independent. I have goals. I am more than willing to give people their space because I love my own space. So what's the problem? It's not necessarily all about my lack of male attention (though that plays a pretty big role) but it's also about just my general lack of attention. I am painfully shy and I'm not sure where it comes from but it's very hard to get over. There are times when despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary that I honestly believe I am not worth anyone's time. I am not worthy of their friendships or affections or attention. Why do I feel this way? I've listed my positive traits and I do believe them yet somehow things just don't fall into place. My Made coach (haha) says that if I don't believe I'm hot then no one else will either. She says that confidence is key. Well where the hell does it come from??? It's a vicious cycle. I can't feel confident if I don't get any positive feedback regarding what I'm confident about. For example, if I think I look really hot one day and get no attention for it from others then I decide I'm being cocky and retreat. But could the problem be that I'm just not noticing attention? Either way, if I feel confident and no one responds then I no longer feel confident. But people won't respond if I don't feel confident. Qu'est-ce que c'est? I hate to play the race card but sometimes I feel like I have to. I feel like a lot of my problems stem from not having an identity. I don't really know how to relate to my surroundings. I've grown up around white people the majority of my life and because of it I get a lot of shit from some members of the black community who tell me I'm too white. I am very attracted to black guys but I really can't compete with some of the absolutely gorgeous black women that half of them want, or the tiny and completely adorable white women the other half want. (I'm over generalizing here, I know there are exceptions and lots of other factors but for now, just let it go. kthanks.) I'm not ugly but I'm also not blind and I'm fully aware of the fact that I can't compete with the beautiful, accessorized and put together black women that I see all over Louisville. I also know that to compare me to a gorgeous white woman is no contest either. So where do the regular girls fit? The ones that aren't extraordinary but aren't bad at all either? I hear guys complain about clingers but they still end up dating them. I'm not a clinger. I hear guys complain about girls always wanting to talk about feelings and stuff like that. I hate talking about feelings. The longer I'm writing the closer I'm getting to diagnosing the problem. Could it be that I just care too much? It seems completely logical but to be completely honest, it wasn't until this past week that I really started thinking about it. Before last week I couldn't have given 2 shits about getting with a guy. So why all of a sudden? Well that's another story in itself. And for those of you who know it, you know who you are but just keep quiet. ;)
I just need to revamp myself and my life. I've had so much change in the past year but it's just not all fitting like it should. I feel like a great offense that just can't score in the redzone. I feel like I can do 1st and 2nd downs but I can never convert on a 3rd. I feel like I can hit a base hit sometimes but never an RBI. Sometimes the harder things even seem easier than the easy things and I don't know what to do about that. I can hit a 3 but not a lay up. I need to revamp my team. We need to get on the same page. I don't need to win the championship but I wanna go for the division title. I'm sorry for all the sports analogies but seriously, what did you expect? There's so much more I could say right now but I have to go to pilates and step aerobics. I am a workout junkie and I love it.
Part dos:
This weekend was a little rough on my ego and self worth. Aside from ALL of my teams losing (though the yanks did redeem themselves) it was just kind of a kick in the ass (which is now very sore from an hour and 15 minutes of intense glut exercises). I also got into a bit of a tiff with one of my oldest and best friends which is really upsetting me right now. I honestly don't believe that I was in the wrong but I still feel very guilty. What I learned though is that I really can't do everything for everyone. I'm always doing favors for my friends. I want to be the best friend, the close friend, the loyal friend. The reliable one. And a lot of times that comes at expense to myself and my own life. I have messed up relationships with other friends, boyfriends and even my family on account of my friends and those relationships are important to me. Luckily I was able to make things right again with most of them but there are some that will never be the same. And I can't help but think that it's my fault things aren't the same. But I also want to think about myself for once. College is the most selfish time of your life. It really is all about me. I'm living (somewhat) on my own, making my schedule, doing my work, picking my major, deciding on my career and essentially writing blueprints for my life. I don't have time to do everything for everyone anymore. I still want my friends. I will still be there for them whenever I can. But I can't always be there anymore. Rennay has her own life now. So if my buddy ends up reading this (which he won't) I just want to say that I'm not sorry that I didn't do the favor but I am sorry that I couldn't do it.
That is all...for now. :)
This week(end) I discovered that I really have some problems with self esteem and confidence. Not that I didn't already know that but it just really came to a head recently. I'm not entirely sure what the problem is or even why it's a problem. I don't think that I'm an incredibly fugly girl by any means. I'm not fat. I don't smell. I'm not dumb. I'm healthy. I'm clean. I'm funny. I'm smart. I'm independent. I have goals. I am more than willing to give people their space because I love my own space. So what's the problem? It's not necessarily all about my lack of male attention (though that plays a pretty big role) but it's also about just my general lack of attention. I am painfully shy and I'm not sure where it comes from but it's very hard to get over. There are times when despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary that I honestly believe I am not worth anyone's time. I am not worthy of their friendships or affections or attention. Why do I feel this way? I've listed my positive traits and I do believe them yet somehow things just don't fall into place. My Made coach (haha) says that if I don't believe I'm hot then no one else will either. She says that confidence is key. Well where the hell does it come from??? It's a vicious cycle. I can't feel confident if I don't get any positive feedback regarding what I'm confident about. For example, if I think I look really hot one day and get no attention for it from others then I decide I'm being cocky and retreat. But could the problem be that I'm just not noticing attention? Either way, if I feel confident and no one responds then I no longer feel confident. But people won't respond if I don't feel confident. Qu'est-ce que c'est? I hate to play the race card but sometimes I feel like I have to. I feel like a lot of my problems stem from not having an identity. I don't really know how to relate to my surroundings. I've grown up around white people the majority of my life and because of it I get a lot of shit from some members of the black community who tell me I'm too white. I am very attracted to black guys but I really can't compete with some of the absolutely gorgeous black women that half of them want, or the tiny and completely adorable white women the other half want. (I'm over generalizing here, I know there are exceptions and lots of other factors but for now, just let it go. kthanks.) I'm not ugly but I'm also not blind and I'm fully aware of the fact that I can't compete with the beautiful, accessorized and put together black women that I see all over Louisville. I also know that to compare me to a gorgeous white woman is no contest either. So where do the regular girls fit? The ones that aren't extraordinary but aren't bad at all either? I hear guys complain about clingers but they still end up dating them. I'm not a clinger. I hear guys complain about girls always wanting to talk about feelings and stuff like that. I hate talking about feelings. The longer I'm writing the closer I'm getting to diagnosing the problem. Could it be that I just care too much? It seems completely logical but to be completely honest, it wasn't until this past week that I really started thinking about it. Before last week I couldn't have given 2 shits about getting with a guy. So why all of a sudden? Well that's another story in itself. And for those of you who know it, you know who you are but just keep quiet. ;)
I just need to revamp myself and my life. I've had so much change in the past year but it's just not all fitting like it should. I feel like a great offense that just can't score in the redzone. I feel like I can do 1st and 2nd downs but I can never convert on a 3rd. I feel like I can hit a base hit sometimes but never an RBI. Sometimes the harder things even seem easier than the easy things and I don't know what to do about that. I can hit a 3 but not a lay up. I need to revamp my team. We need to get on the same page. I don't need to win the championship but I wanna go for the division title. I'm sorry for all the sports analogies but seriously, what did you expect? There's so much more I could say right now but I have to go to pilates and step aerobics. I am a workout junkie and I love it.
Part dos:
This weekend was a little rough on my ego and self worth. Aside from ALL of my teams losing (though the yanks did redeem themselves) it was just kind of a kick in the ass (which is now very sore from an hour and 15 minutes of intense glut exercises). I also got into a bit of a tiff with one of my oldest and best friends which is really upsetting me right now. I honestly don't believe that I was in the wrong but I still feel very guilty. What I learned though is that I really can't do everything for everyone. I'm always doing favors for my friends. I want to be the best friend, the close friend, the loyal friend. The reliable one. And a lot of times that comes at expense to myself and my own life. I have messed up relationships with other friends, boyfriends and even my family on account of my friends and those relationships are important to me. Luckily I was able to make things right again with most of them but there are some that will never be the same. And I can't help but think that it's my fault things aren't the same. But I also want to think about myself for once. College is the most selfish time of your life. It really is all about me. I'm living (somewhat) on my own, making my schedule, doing my work, picking my major, deciding on my career and essentially writing blueprints for my life. I don't have time to do everything for everyone anymore. I still want my friends. I will still be there for them whenever I can. But I can't always be there anymore. Rennay has her own life now. So if my buddy ends up reading this (which he won't) I just want to say that I'm not sorry that I didn't do the favor but I am sorry that I couldn't do it.
That is all...for now. :)