(no subject)
So, around 9:45 tonight I decided it would be a good idea to eat pizza, watch movies and drink a pepsi. That's right, caffeine ridden pepsi. I drank half a red solo cup of it and I'm pretty sure I may be up for the rest of my life. Due to my extremely poor judgement concerning beverage consumption I will now (2:14 a.m.) type a wonderful stream of consciousness to be enjoyed by all. Or as my first college English teacher calls it a freewrite (and sometimes even a "Friday Funday Freewrite")
I'm very disappointed in myself as of late. I am disappointed again in my decision making and judgement which lead me into choosing to attend Bellarmine University. I absolutely hate it here. I hate the school, the food, the dorms, and most of all the people. I have learned through experiences here that I have a lot more morals than I ever realized. I have never been against drinking and I knew that it was what people did in college. But when there are EMT's sitting in your lobby every Friday and Saturday night because they've already been called 3 times and are waiting for another, there's a problem. The problem is not with alcohol or partying. The problem is with responsibility. I hate to be a preacher but what else can I do? The only thing there is to do around here is drink. Everyone is either a total drunk (with the occasional stoners) or total nerds who discuss homosapiens and mode opposition or some shit on their Friday nights. I cannot associate with either one of these groups. I do drink and I have been drunk before and I most likely will drink and be drunk again. But for the life of me I can't understand why every single weekend it is necessary to drink until you throw up and/or pass out. How is that fun? Drinking to drown your sorrows or relieve pain or whatever are the first signs to alcoholism. But if you're not concerned with it then why should I be? The best friend I have here (who isn't even that great of a friend) got so drunk a few weeks ago that she pissed her pants, threw up for nearly an hour and was taken to the hospital. That kind of irresponsibility is not anything that I'm going to tolerate or get involved in. She apologized multiple times to me and hasn't had a drink since which is a nice turn around. The problem still is that she seems to think it's really cool or funny. She still mentions it regularly and always tells the story with a smile on her face. That is not cool. Tonight was my first night of sober fun since I've gotten to school. Every weekend that I've been sober (many) I haven't really had fun and even on the weekends that I'm drunk (2 or 3) I don't really have much fun. This is not the place for me. This is not where I want to be and this is not where I think I will achieve or experience anything great. One more semester and I am free. But then the question is where to go. I'm leaning towards U of L mainly because it's still down here in Louisville which is a nice distance from home and I have at least a few friends there. It's also a bigger school so maybe I won't see the same people with the same drama who have had the same friends their whole lives and all went to the same Louisville private schools. This is really the most unhappy I've ever been at a place. Some days are better than others obviously but none of them are really great or particularly good. Not to mention that I hate my roommate. I don't think that I hate her as a person but I know for a fact that I hate her as a roommate. She has no regard for others, she's selfish, messy, lazy and rude. I sit in my room with my "study music" on low and do homework during the late afternoon/evening hours when I get out of class. She comes in after work, turns on the tv despite my music, turns the volume up quite loud, props the door open and talks on the phone. That is just a blantant disregard for me. She decorated for Halloween which I really don't care for but told her as long as she didn't put up the spider web crap I'd be cool. She decorated the first day without it and sometime during the next day she put it up anyhow. Then she said she was not going to decorate for Christmas so I was very excited and said that I would. I made very classy decorations in white, gold and silver and did our bulletin board. And I put a short string of lights just over my bed. 2 days later she says that it inspired her and put up ridiculous bows, garland, lights and ornaments. So now our room is tacky and entirely too busy to be enjoyable. At least for me to enjoy it. Before Thanksgiving break we were required to clean our rooms (vacuum, empty trash, make beds etc.) She leaves a day early and does not clean one single thing before she goes. So when I get back to the room, I empty the trash (which only I have done this entire time we've lived here) vacuum the ENTIRE room including her side, stack her various papers and shit that she had lying around everywhere and threw her shoes out the window. That last part was a joke. I did not throw her shoes out the window but I was tempted to because they're ALWAYS on my side of the room. Not to mention that weekends are terrible because not only is there nothing to do but she sleeps until well after 2 p.m. For a while I would turn on the light and the tv and do whatever I felt like doing because NOTHING wakes this girl up. Well one morning when she decided she didn't like me, she goes to my friend (never to me) and says that I woke her up with the tv and light and that I was such a bitch and so rude and yada yada. This came as a surprise to me because I had been doing the same routine every weekend for well over a month and that since I wake up around 9 and turn on the light, if it really woke her up she wouldn't have been in bed until 3:45 in the afternoon. This whole college thing is just a really frustrating situation. I've never really gotten along too well with girls anyway and now I'm surrounded by them. The guys that are here are either really intellectual and socially challenged, really horny and assholes, or think that every girl who talks to them is interested. I don't talk to guys so that I can hook up with them. In fact I almost never talk to guys I'm interested in because I'm too self conscious and shy. I don't know why every guy here thinks they're God's gift. They may be to someone but definitely not to me. I guess that my real frustration is how tremendously wrong I was in choosing school and how tremendously wrong I've been about a lot of things. This is clearly not the place where I want to be. But now I'm even debating my major. I know that what I really want to do is international communications of some kind. But I'm concerned about the international part. I'm just no good at French. Maybe I shouldn't have moved up to 201 but I did so I need to figure out how to handle it. But now the semester's practically over and as far as I'm concerned I've still made no progress. But I'm not good at anything else either. And I'm especially not good enough at anything to make a career out of it. I can sleep and decorate a bulletin board. I can eat a lot, pull off sweatpants and pjs in class pretty well, wake up early when necessary, iron, and cook simple basic foods. I'm great at random everyday activities that few people are truly awful at. So how am I supposed to choose a career. I know almost exactly what I want to do. Or at least I know exactly what field(s) I want to go to and I know what degree I want to pursue and even what Grad school I dream of attending but what if I can't do it? What if I'm no good at it? What else can I do?
I apologize for the entry that probably takes up half of your friends page. Just thought I'd give a little update. The Bengals beat the Ravens last night in case you missed it. And I WILL be attending the Bengals/Raiders game on the 10th. Just throwing it out there. You can pick it up if you want to. Well since it's now nearly 3 a.m. I'm going to try to get some sleep since I will inevitably be up by 9 tomorrow morning to actually have something to show for the day. Comments would be fantastic. None wouldn't be tragic. So no obligations here. Night night and I hope everyone has a better tomorrow!
I'm very disappointed in myself as of late. I am disappointed again in my decision making and judgement which lead me into choosing to attend Bellarmine University. I absolutely hate it here. I hate the school, the food, the dorms, and most of all the people. I have learned through experiences here that I have a lot more morals than I ever realized. I have never been against drinking and I knew that it was what people did in college. But when there are EMT's sitting in your lobby every Friday and Saturday night because they've already been called 3 times and are waiting for another, there's a problem. The problem is not with alcohol or partying. The problem is with responsibility. I hate to be a preacher but what else can I do? The only thing there is to do around here is drink. Everyone is either a total drunk (with the occasional stoners) or total nerds who discuss homosapiens and mode opposition or some shit on their Friday nights. I cannot associate with either one of these groups. I do drink and I have been drunk before and I most likely will drink and be drunk again. But for the life of me I can't understand why every single weekend it is necessary to drink until you throw up and/or pass out. How is that fun? Drinking to drown your sorrows or relieve pain or whatever are the first signs to alcoholism. But if you're not concerned with it then why should I be? The best friend I have here (who isn't even that great of a friend) got so drunk a few weeks ago that she pissed her pants, threw up for nearly an hour and was taken to the hospital. That kind of irresponsibility is not anything that I'm going to tolerate or get involved in. She apologized multiple times to me and hasn't had a drink since which is a nice turn around. The problem still is that she seems to think it's really cool or funny. She still mentions it regularly and always tells the story with a smile on her face. That is not cool. Tonight was my first night of sober fun since I've gotten to school. Every weekend that I've been sober (many) I haven't really had fun and even on the weekends that I'm drunk (2 or 3) I don't really have much fun. This is not the place for me. This is not where I want to be and this is not where I think I will achieve or experience anything great. One more semester and I am free. But then the question is where to go. I'm leaning towards U of L mainly because it's still down here in Louisville which is a nice distance from home and I have at least a few friends there. It's also a bigger school so maybe I won't see the same people with the same drama who have had the same friends their whole lives and all went to the same Louisville private schools. This is really the most unhappy I've ever been at a place. Some days are better than others obviously but none of them are really great or particularly good. Not to mention that I hate my roommate. I don't think that I hate her as a person but I know for a fact that I hate her as a roommate. She has no regard for others, she's selfish, messy, lazy and rude. I sit in my room with my "study music" on low and do homework during the late afternoon/evening hours when I get out of class. She comes in after work, turns on the tv despite my music, turns the volume up quite loud, props the door open and talks on the phone. That is just a blantant disregard for me. She decorated for Halloween which I really don't care for but told her as long as she didn't put up the spider web crap I'd be cool. She decorated the first day without it and sometime during the next day she put it up anyhow. Then she said she was not going to decorate for Christmas so I was very excited and said that I would. I made very classy decorations in white, gold and silver and did our bulletin board. And I put a short string of lights just over my bed. 2 days later she says that it inspired her and put up ridiculous bows, garland, lights and ornaments. So now our room is tacky and entirely too busy to be enjoyable. At least for me to enjoy it. Before Thanksgiving break we were required to clean our rooms (vacuum, empty trash, make beds etc.) She leaves a day early and does not clean one single thing before she goes. So when I get back to the room, I empty the trash (which only I have done this entire time we've lived here) vacuum the ENTIRE room including her side, stack her various papers and shit that she had lying around everywhere and threw her shoes out the window. That last part was a joke. I did not throw her shoes out the window but I was tempted to because they're ALWAYS on my side of the room. Not to mention that weekends are terrible because not only is there nothing to do but she sleeps until well after 2 p.m. For a while I would turn on the light and the tv and do whatever I felt like doing because NOTHING wakes this girl up. Well one morning when she decided she didn't like me, she goes to my friend (never to me) and says that I woke her up with the tv and light and that I was such a bitch and so rude and yada yada. This came as a surprise to me because I had been doing the same routine every weekend for well over a month and that since I wake up around 9 and turn on the light, if it really woke her up she wouldn't have been in bed until 3:45 in the afternoon. This whole college thing is just a really frustrating situation. I've never really gotten along too well with girls anyway and now I'm surrounded by them. The guys that are here are either really intellectual and socially challenged, really horny and assholes, or think that every girl who talks to them is interested. I don't talk to guys so that I can hook up with them. In fact I almost never talk to guys I'm interested in because I'm too self conscious and shy. I don't know why every guy here thinks they're God's gift. They may be to someone but definitely not to me. I guess that my real frustration is how tremendously wrong I was in choosing school and how tremendously wrong I've been about a lot of things. This is clearly not the place where I want to be. But now I'm even debating my major. I know that what I really want to do is international communications of some kind. But I'm concerned about the international part. I'm just no good at French. Maybe I shouldn't have moved up to 201 but I did so I need to figure out how to handle it. But now the semester's practically over and as far as I'm concerned I've still made no progress. But I'm not good at anything else either. And I'm especially not good enough at anything to make a career out of it. I can sleep and decorate a bulletin board. I can eat a lot, pull off sweatpants and pjs in class pretty well, wake up early when necessary, iron, and cook simple basic foods. I'm great at random everyday activities that few people are truly awful at. So how am I supposed to choose a career. I know almost exactly what I want to do. Or at least I know exactly what field(s) I want to go to and I know what degree I want to pursue and even what Grad school I dream of attending but what if I can't do it? What if I'm no good at it? What else can I do?
I apologize for the entry that probably takes up half of your friends page. Just thought I'd give a little update. The Bengals beat the Ravens last night in case you missed it. And I WILL be attending the Bengals/Raiders game on the 10th. Just throwing it out there. You can pick it up if you want to. Well since it's now nearly 3 a.m. I'm going to try to get some sleep since I will inevitably be up by 9 tomorrow morning to actually have something to show for the day. Comments would be fantastic. None wouldn't be tragic. So no obligations here. Night night and I hope everyone has a better tomorrow!