epiphany
I woke up this morning with the beeping of my alarm clock ringing in my ear and my mind was saturated with the most enlightening moment of realization. I wasn't happy before Felipe dumped me. When I was working in New York at Qwest, barely aware of my body or spirit and begging Felipe for an ounce of attention from thousands of miles away, it wasn't nearly worth what I have been mourning.
The trick is, because I wasn't really happy, I was clinging onto a dream with every breath and every smile. Felipe was the biggest part of that dream for me, and when I got here, and he rejected me...it broke everything I was clinging to apart.
He probably felt it, like he was just a step in my plan and not really a person I loved. It's all too much pressure to put on someone, when they start to realize how much you're depending on them for happiness. I had no intention of making him feel that way but I imagine it must have happened. No one wants to just exist as a part of someone else's plans...
So this is all unusually refreshing for me. It just makes sense and I don't know why it took me so long to get to this place but perhaps it was all very necesarry to come to terms with what I was doing, and check myself not to do that again. My happiness is my own responsibility, in the present, and I can't just depend on some blurry vision full of broken promises. My dream was my drug, and I think I may just be getting over the symptoms of withdrawal.
I justified Felipe's role so much in my head and to my friends - swept aside how often he broke his word or just didn't have time for me, because I would tell myself it would all be different when I was here in New Zealand with him. But why would it have been different?
After everything happened I just looked back and saw such a bright light behind me and then turned around and saw darkness ahead. This morning I woke up and felt the light I was standing in. Here's hoping it keeps on shining.
The trick is, because I wasn't really happy, I was clinging onto a dream with every breath and every smile. Felipe was the biggest part of that dream for me, and when I got here, and he rejected me...it broke everything I was clinging to apart.
He probably felt it, like he was just a step in my plan and not really a person I loved. It's all too much pressure to put on someone, when they start to realize how much you're depending on them for happiness. I had no intention of making him feel that way but I imagine it must have happened. No one wants to just exist as a part of someone else's plans...
So this is all unusually refreshing for me. It just makes sense and I don't know why it took me so long to get to this place but perhaps it was all very necesarry to come to terms with what I was doing, and check myself not to do that again. My happiness is my own responsibility, in the present, and I can't just depend on some blurry vision full of broken promises. My dream was my drug, and I think I may just be getting over the symptoms of withdrawal.
I justified Felipe's role so much in my head and to my friends - swept aside how often he broke his word or just didn't have time for me, because I would tell myself it would all be different when I was here in New Zealand with him. But why would it have been different?
After everything happened I just looked back and saw such a bright light behind me and then turned around and saw darkness ahead. This morning I woke up and felt the light I was standing in. Here's hoping it keeps on shining.