Illness... or Awakening?
Spiritual emergences/emergencies oftentimes become activated because of a deep experience of wounding, abuse, or trauma. In its initial stage, a spiritual awakening can look like and mimic a nervous breakdown, as our habitual structures of holding ourselves together fall apart and break down so that a deeper and more coherent expression of our intrinsic wholeness can emerge. The spiritual awakening aspect of my experience was so off psychiatry's map that it wasn't even remotely recognized. Instead of hearing me, about either the abuse or the awakening, I was immediately pathologized and labeled as the sick one. Being cast in the role of the "identified patient," I was assured that I was going to be mentally ill for the rest of my days, as if I was being given a life sentence with no possibility for parole, with no time off for good behavior. The fact that I wanted to dialogue about this and question their diagnosis was proof, to the psychiatrists in charge of me, of my illness.
[...]In not listening to what I was saying about the abuse being perpetrated by my father, and pathologizing me instead, psychiatry was unwittingly protecting my father. It was as if the field of psychiatry had become subsumed into unknowingly becoming an instrument for a deeper, archetypal process of "protecting the abuser" to play itself out in form and in real time. Having my father be care-taken by those in a position of potential authority over him, combined with my being solidified as being sick by those in authority over me was a doubly sickening experience. -src
I think that last point is really interesting, although I'm not sure I totally agree. If you're suffering something where there IS one cause, or very defineable causes, then getting blamed for beig "sick", then I think that they do, to a point, possibly "protect the abuser" in some cases. I don't necessarily think that latter paragraph is true for everyone, although I just woke up and would have to really put some thought into it.
Actually, I was going to write more on that top paragraph, but I'd like to explore the second one some. I don't have one "cause" of why I am the way I am. I have multiple causes, coming all the way back from my childhood, possibly even as an infant. (I would really like to go see how I was treated as an infant if I ever did... enough memory regression *ahem* and could go back to that time. I wouldn't hold any bad feelings against my mom, if she didn't treat me right, because I know she was sick- as a result of HER past- too.) So I've picked up all of these bad habits from protecting myself, even back then, from defending myself, from needing to express my emotions when they were so strong I didn't know what to do with them besides bite myself, or later suffocate myself (the lack of oxygen would give me a bit of a "high", and I would feel better, or at least less suicidal). And all of these negative, bad, harmful patterns have molded me into... not who I am... but the ways in which I act and react towards certain stimuli.
According to psychology (and of course more importantly, psychiatry), I am "sick". I "have an illness". I'm a "patient" who "needs medication". I'm always going to be like this, and the most I can hope for is for my symptoms to improve. And, of course, the best way to do this is to "find the right medication", even if this takes many tries, even if it takes the wrong ones making my symptoms far worse until (and IF) I find "the right one".
Quick disclaimer: I'm not opposing (government-regulated pharmaceutical) medication for others here and in what I am about to write. I am not even totally opposing it in myself, although it is not an avenue I want to explore right now. I am not a science major- hell, I've only had one science class in my adult life- I am only making speculations in what is about to come, based on both exploratory articles written by people of all sorts of backgrounds, and on legitimate, peer-reviewed, scientific articles. (Even with the latter, as I said, I don't have a background in science and could very well misinterpret what I read.) Anyway, onwards...
In the past, I have defended my, and others, being labeled with "depression" and "bipolar"- and our need for medication as, "it's due to our brain chemistry. The chemicals in our brains aren't right, and the meds fix them". And yes, this is true (well, the medication usually at least improves if you find the right one).
But... our brains, and the neural pathways (that determine our brain's chemistry, such as what neurotransmitters [serotonin in particular] pass through our brains, and how much and how often) are malleable- even without medication. I'm not claiming to know (anything at all really) how certain people with seemingly great lives develop depression and other issues, or how anyone does, but... when you keep acting out certain patterns, certain neural pathways get stronger with these repeated actions, while others decline. That article mentions playing a musical instrument: at first, you're not very good. But the more you practice, the better you get. The reason for this is, "Your brain is arranging a new neural pathway or association for learning to play that instrument. As your brain develops this new pathway (it grows the more you practice and learn), you get better and better at playing your instrument." Likewise, when you stop practicing with your instrument, you forget how to play- those neural pathways weaken and you have to relearn, make the pathways strong again.
You can learn to play an instrument as an adult... because you can alter and grow new neural pathways. That article says that medications do not have the ability to alter neural pathways- they can only change your brain's chemistry temporarily... which is why you have to keep taking your meds. Medication doesn't "fix" you. It only makes things better temporarily. It addresses the symptoms, but does nothing to fix the problem. This is where therapy comes in if you take the medication route. Therapy can teach you new ways of dealing with your emotions- thus allowing you to create new neural pathways (I think). Marsha Linehan's Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) has been shown to pretty much cure those with borderline personality disorder if done consistently, with the right therapist, and followed through to the end. I'm thinking this is due to learning new ways of dealing with things: creating new neural pathways, while extinguishing the old pathways/ways of dealing with issues.
Sadly, too many doctors these days just want to put people on meds and don't address the need for therapy (much less spirituality) or encourage it enough. For myself, this is what happened to me when I first got on medication. I went to the government-operated community mental health center, which was way understaffed and underpaid and had far too many people coming in. I could talk to someone when I went in, I could get counseling, but there has never been much- as an "indigent" (with little money)- offered or available to me in terms of therapy. So for many people, unless they have money and can afford to seek out therapy (or are lucky enough to live in a place that offers real therapy to people with low incomes), they are stuck living on meds for the rest of their lives or until they get fed up with it. I think the reasons for this are two-fold: one, the psychiatrists (usually) make money from the pharmaceutical companies by pushing meds onto people. If you get into therapy, you have a chance to be healed or your symptoms greatly improved, and the need for those expensive medications decreases. Two, the government is increasingly cutting funding for even psychiatry, much less therapy. With this model, there needs to be more of a push towards medication combined with therapy- affordable therapy. With cuts already being made, I don't see this as happening in the near future.
But this wasn't where I was trying to go with all of this. I wanted to talk about "spiritual awakening". [Note that "spiritual" does not necessarily have to do with any notions of "God" or religion. For me, to this point, my "spirituality" has been about my psychology and dealing with my issues and coming to a deeper, more profound understanding of who I am, how I relate to the world, and what my place is in the world. Currently, I can't do much work with the latter two until I have worked on the first one, dealing with my issues, enough.]
Many of us with mental health issues did not just magically wind up with our chemicals going haywire. (I'm especially thinking of borderline personality disorder here, which I have been diagnosed with.) Our issues stem from our backgrounds, the ways we were raised, the interactions we've had with others, the internalization of things like the media, our relationships with others, our community, our society. Our psyches, for whatever reasons, have become broken down, fragmented. We act in ways that seem "crazy", and are certainly not healthy (and only serve to keep perpetuating our unhealthiness). We feel desolate. This is called by some the Dark Night of the Soul. Some use the term "soul", but what I see this as meaning is "the TRUE essence of who we are".
"Dark Night of the Soul" is often a Christian term. "The main idea of [Dark Night of the Soul] can be seen as the painful experience that people endure as they seek to grow in spiritual maturity and union with God. [...The term] is used in Christianity for a spiritual crisis in a journey towards union with God." (previous source)
In my own beliefs, I don't view "God" as this authoritative figure in the sky watching our every move. (If you do, that's fine.) Some have even suggested Jesus and his discciples didn't believe this either. Whatever. For me, everything is "God" (or, if you'd like, "all is One"). I believe that there is an idealized version of "me", me perfected. She is part of God, and sometimes the way in which I can communicate with God (or the All). I (influenced by my previous readings and work with Golden Dawn concepts and other such belief systems) like to refer to this idealized self as my "Holy Guardian Angel" (HGA). ("Soul" works too.)
Anyway, due to my past, I have moved farther and farther away from who I could be, who I should be, my potential. I am lost, stuck in all of these unhealthy thoughts and actions and reactions. I am in the Dark Night of the Soul. I am in a spiritual crisis (and damn, have I been here for a long time). Amongst some mystics, shamans, and others, being in a spiritual crisis can actually be a blessing in disguise. If you can recognize it (and figure out how the hell to get motivated to actually DO something about it), you can ascend from the Underworld (your depression, or whatever emotional crisis you are going through) and come into the light, become a better person.
Science, especially psychiatry (although not all of psychology- see Jung, for instance- have taken out this spiritual aspect of healing. The medications prescribed often knock out the creative side of us, and also the spiritual side. (I know when I was on meds, I lost both of these aspects of myself.) The traditional psychiatric community is set up to be a set-up, in that built into the system is the unconscious set of assumptions of materialistic science, not the least of which is that we exist as encapsulated, separate selves apart from the underlying field. In fact, for most psychiatrists, there is no concept of an underlying field of consciousness at all. Consciousness is understood purely as something that arises from matter and thus can be manipulated by material, i.e., electro-chemical means (via psychiatric drugs, for example). -src
The dissolution and breakdown of the old structures of the psyche can become a breakthrough, however, depending on how it is contained and related to by the surrounding community and unfolded. The dis-integration can be the beginning of a coming together at a more coherent, and unified level of consciousness. -src
I believe this is what is going on with me. This is why I am currently rejecting medication (although I'm still open to therapy). As I get back in touch with my spirituality, I believe in synchronity. I believe certain people have and will enter my life to aid me in my healing myself. (Note that I do not say they will heal me- the healing must come from within. One can be shown or given certain tools for this, however.) My ego is desperately clinging onto it's old ways, and I am still in a state of inertia, but I feel a moving, a calling, deep within. It is telling me to rise above, to make myself healthy- physically (as I am malnourished and not at all physically healthy), emotionally, and spiritually. I have already been working on this some, through daily meditation. Maybe I am only procrastinating, holding on a little longer, but when I get settled into my own place (I have no privacy here, and feel as though I am in the midst of disorganization, chaos), I plan to devote myself to this even more, to this healing process that needs to happen. Thanks to someone who has enterered my life at just the right time, I am more aware of potential tools (explored in some of the articles in the websites listed in my previous public post) to speed up this healing process drastically, and hope to utilize these as soon as I can- or rather, as soon as I am ready. While it could be procrastination, I think it makes sense to be in a place of physical stability before doing deep inner work, so that one is grounded. As for my place in the world? I don't know what form that will take, but I think that those who are healthy and aware of tools to get healthy have a duty to help those in need, when and where they can. In our society, it's about "what can others do for me?" As our societal and communal bonds break and head towards collapse, the appropriate question is: "What can I do for others?"
Post inspired by Paul Levy's article on Reality Sandwich, "Psychiatry Almost Drove Me Crazy".
See Paul's website here: Awaken in the Dream
[...]In not listening to what I was saying about the abuse being perpetrated by my father, and pathologizing me instead, psychiatry was unwittingly protecting my father. It was as if the field of psychiatry had become subsumed into unknowingly becoming an instrument for a deeper, archetypal process of "protecting the abuser" to play itself out in form and in real time. Having my father be care-taken by those in a position of potential authority over him, combined with my being solidified as being sick by those in authority over me was a doubly sickening experience. -src
I think that last point is really interesting, although I'm not sure I totally agree. If you're suffering something where there IS one cause, or very defineable causes, then getting blamed for beig "sick", then I think that they do, to a point, possibly "protect the abuser" in some cases. I don't necessarily think that latter paragraph is true for everyone, although I just woke up and would have to really put some thought into it.
Actually, I was going to write more on that top paragraph, but I'd like to explore the second one some. I don't have one "cause" of why I am the way I am. I have multiple causes, coming all the way back from my childhood, possibly even as an infant. (I would really like to go see how I was treated as an infant if I ever did... enough memory regression *ahem* and could go back to that time. I wouldn't hold any bad feelings against my mom, if she didn't treat me right, because I know she was sick- as a result of HER past- too.) So I've picked up all of these bad habits from protecting myself, even back then, from defending myself, from needing to express my emotions when they were so strong I didn't know what to do with them besides bite myself, or later suffocate myself (the lack of oxygen would give me a bit of a "high", and I would feel better, or at least less suicidal). And all of these negative, bad, harmful patterns have molded me into... not who I am... but the ways in which I act and react towards certain stimuli.
According to psychology (and of course more importantly, psychiatry), I am "sick". I "have an illness". I'm a "patient" who "needs medication". I'm always going to be like this, and the most I can hope for is for my symptoms to improve. And, of course, the best way to do this is to "find the right medication", even if this takes many tries, even if it takes the wrong ones making my symptoms far worse until (and IF) I find "the right one".
Quick disclaimer: I'm not opposing (government-regulated pharmaceutical) medication for others here and in what I am about to write. I am not even totally opposing it in myself, although it is not an avenue I want to explore right now. I am not a science major- hell, I've only had one science class in my adult life- I am only making speculations in what is about to come, based on both exploratory articles written by people of all sorts of backgrounds, and on legitimate, peer-reviewed, scientific articles. (Even with the latter, as I said, I don't have a background in science and could very well misinterpret what I read.) Anyway, onwards...
In the past, I have defended my, and others, being labeled with "depression" and "bipolar"- and our need for medication as, "it's due to our brain chemistry. The chemicals in our brains aren't right, and the meds fix them". And yes, this is true (well, the medication usually at least improves if you find the right one).
But... our brains, and the neural pathways (that determine our brain's chemistry, such as what neurotransmitters [serotonin in particular] pass through our brains, and how much and how often) are malleable- even without medication. I'm not claiming to know (anything at all really) how certain people with seemingly great lives develop depression and other issues, or how anyone does, but... when you keep acting out certain patterns, certain neural pathways get stronger with these repeated actions, while others decline. That article mentions playing a musical instrument: at first, you're not very good. But the more you practice, the better you get. The reason for this is, "Your brain is arranging a new neural pathway or association for learning to play that instrument. As your brain develops this new pathway (it grows the more you practice and learn), you get better and better at playing your instrument." Likewise, when you stop practicing with your instrument, you forget how to play- those neural pathways weaken and you have to relearn, make the pathways strong again.
You can learn to play an instrument as an adult... because you can alter and grow new neural pathways. That article says that medications do not have the ability to alter neural pathways- they can only change your brain's chemistry temporarily... which is why you have to keep taking your meds. Medication doesn't "fix" you. It only makes things better temporarily. It addresses the symptoms, but does nothing to fix the problem. This is where therapy comes in if you take the medication route. Therapy can teach you new ways of dealing with your emotions- thus allowing you to create new neural pathways (I think). Marsha Linehan's Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) has been shown to pretty much cure those with borderline personality disorder if done consistently, with the right therapist, and followed through to the end. I'm thinking this is due to learning new ways of dealing with things: creating new neural pathways, while extinguishing the old pathways/ways of dealing with issues.
Sadly, too many doctors these days just want to put people on meds and don't address the need for therapy (much less spirituality) or encourage it enough. For myself, this is what happened to me when I first got on medication. I went to the government-operated community mental health center, which was way understaffed and underpaid and had far too many people coming in. I could talk to someone when I went in, I could get counseling, but there has never been much- as an "indigent" (with little money)- offered or available to me in terms of therapy. So for many people, unless they have money and can afford to seek out therapy (or are lucky enough to live in a place that offers real therapy to people with low incomes), they are stuck living on meds for the rest of their lives or until they get fed up with it. I think the reasons for this are two-fold: one, the psychiatrists (usually) make money from the pharmaceutical companies by pushing meds onto people. If you get into therapy, you have a chance to be healed or your symptoms greatly improved, and the need for those expensive medications decreases. Two, the government is increasingly cutting funding for even psychiatry, much less therapy. With this model, there needs to be more of a push towards medication combined with therapy- affordable therapy. With cuts already being made, I don't see this as happening in the near future.
But this wasn't where I was trying to go with all of this. I wanted to talk about "spiritual awakening". [Note that "spiritual" does not necessarily have to do with any notions of "God" or religion. For me, to this point, my "spirituality" has been about my psychology and dealing with my issues and coming to a deeper, more profound understanding of who I am, how I relate to the world, and what my place is in the world. Currently, I can't do much work with the latter two until I have worked on the first one, dealing with my issues, enough.]
Many of us with mental health issues did not just magically wind up with our chemicals going haywire. (I'm especially thinking of borderline personality disorder here, which I have been diagnosed with.) Our issues stem from our backgrounds, the ways we were raised, the interactions we've had with others, the internalization of things like the media, our relationships with others, our community, our society. Our psyches, for whatever reasons, have become broken down, fragmented. We act in ways that seem "crazy", and are certainly not healthy (and only serve to keep perpetuating our unhealthiness). We feel desolate. This is called by some the Dark Night of the Soul. Some use the term "soul", but what I see this as meaning is "the TRUE essence of who we are".
"Dark Night of the Soul" is often a Christian term. "The main idea of [Dark Night of the Soul] can be seen as the painful experience that people endure as they seek to grow in spiritual maturity and union with God. [...The term] is used in Christianity for a spiritual crisis in a journey towards union with God." (previous source)
In my own beliefs, I don't view "God" as this authoritative figure in the sky watching our every move. (If you do, that's fine.) Some have even suggested Jesus and his discciples didn't believe this either. Whatever. For me, everything is "God" (or, if you'd like, "all is One"). I believe that there is an idealized version of "me", me perfected. She is part of God, and sometimes the way in which I can communicate with God (or the All). I (influenced by my previous readings and work with Golden Dawn concepts and other such belief systems) like to refer to this idealized self as my "Holy Guardian Angel" (HGA). ("Soul" works too.)
Anyway, due to my past, I have moved farther and farther away from who I could be, who I should be, my potential. I am lost, stuck in all of these unhealthy thoughts and actions and reactions. I am in the Dark Night of the Soul. I am in a spiritual crisis (and damn, have I been here for a long time). Amongst some mystics, shamans, and others, being in a spiritual crisis can actually be a blessing in disguise. If you can recognize it (and figure out how the hell to get motivated to actually DO something about it), you can ascend from the Underworld (your depression, or whatever emotional crisis you are going through) and come into the light, become a better person.
Science, especially psychiatry (although not all of psychology- see Jung, for instance- have taken out this spiritual aspect of healing. The medications prescribed often knock out the creative side of us, and also the spiritual side. (I know when I was on meds, I lost both of these aspects of myself.) The traditional psychiatric community is set up to be a set-up, in that built into the system is the unconscious set of assumptions of materialistic science, not the least of which is that we exist as encapsulated, separate selves apart from the underlying field. In fact, for most psychiatrists, there is no concept of an underlying field of consciousness at all. Consciousness is understood purely as something that arises from matter and thus can be manipulated by material, i.e., electro-chemical means (via psychiatric drugs, for example). -src
The dissolution and breakdown of the old structures of the psyche can become a breakthrough, however, depending on how it is contained and related to by the surrounding community and unfolded. The dis-integration can be the beginning of a coming together at a more coherent, and unified level of consciousness. -src
I believe this is what is going on with me. This is why I am currently rejecting medication (although I'm still open to therapy). As I get back in touch with my spirituality, I believe in synchronity. I believe certain people have and will enter my life to aid me in my healing myself. (Note that I do not say they will heal me- the healing must come from within. One can be shown or given certain tools for this, however.) My ego is desperately clinging onto it's old ways, and I am still in a state of inertia, but I feel a moving, a calling, deep within. It is telling me to rise above, to make myself healthy- physically (as I am malnourished and not at all physically healthy), emotionally, and spiritually. I have already been working on this some, through daily meditation. Maybe I am only procrastinating, holding on a little longer, but when I get settled into my own place (I have no privacy here, and feel as though I am in the midst of disorganization, chaos), I plan to devote myself to this even more, to this healing process that needs to happen. Thanks to someone who has enterered my life at just the right time, I am more aware of potential tools (explored in some of the articles in the websites listed in my previous public post) to speed up this healing process drastically, and hope to utilize these as soon as I can- or rather, as soon as I am ready. While it could be procrastination, I think it makes sense to be in a place of physical stability before doing deep inner work, so that one is grounded. As for my place in the world? I don't know what form that will take, but I think that those who are healthy and aware of tools to get healthy have a duty to help those in need, when and where they can. In our society, it's about "what can others do for me?" As our societal and communal bonds break and head towards collapse, the appropriate question is: "What can I do for others?"
Post inspired by Paul Levy's article on Reality Sandwich, "Psychiatry Almost Drove Me Crazy".
See Paul's website here: Awaken in the Dream