(no subject)
I spent my Christmas Eve eating two hot dogs on stale bread from 7-Eleven, then walking home from driving school, which let out early because I was the only person there, everybody else was celebrating the holiday. My parents went out to eat and then went shopping and forgot about me.
Tomorrow is Christmas day. My parents are going to spend the entire day in the car, driving to North Carolina. I will spend it at home, working on college applications because we are not celebrating anyway, they will probably get some food at McDonalds and that'll be that. I will be cooking my own christmas dinner consisting of left over rice from a week ago and some rotten sausages.
This is why I don't like the holidays. Last year I spent it going to Kmart with them at 10 Pm cuz that's the only place that's open. It's been years since we went out to eat on Christmas Eve, it's been 7 years since we have really celebrated Christmas. I asked my dad about it today. He said, why is nobody celebrating? seems like a Ghosttown, nobody has spirit. and I said, no, we are just not celebrating because we never do. He screamed at me. he said, we have lights up, isn't that good enough? No it isn't. I want my family to be together. Is it too much to ask that for a few days a year that they put all worries aside and have fun and give me some sense of belonging and love? People have asked me what I wanted for christmas, and I have always said, nothing materialistic. You know what I really want? I want a nice family, a big, happy family with a sibling, a big dog, a christmas tree, and a home made dinner on that night, presents under the tree, a sense of always having something to look forward to, a feeling of belonging. I want a family tucked nicely into a box, wrapped, with a bow on top. Then tomorrow morning, when I tiptoe downstairs to look at our 6 inch tall plastic "tree" that we got on sale for $1.99, I can at least have a smile on my face. But, of course, that will never happen.
I wonder how my mom is doing.
Whenever I see a big, happy, American family, I am jealous. I am jealous beyond description. Why couldn't I have had the luck? Why do I have to live with this every single day? Why is it that I have to overcome everything and still seem happy and content with the way things have worked out? For god sakes, I just realized today that my only relative is my dad. I have no family. Yet despite all the independence I have developed, I am not independent at all, starting from the fact that my parents don't let me out, never trust me, and will not let me be exposed to society. Am I bound to grow up to be just like them? I think I am different. I hope I will be different. But I don't know. I don't even know what to think. I made it a goal for this winter break to catch up with friends, to have some fun, to be away from all this. But, today, after the LOTR, my dad got mad at me. For waht? For seeing a movie? Why does he want me in his reach all the time, it's not like he ever has a substantial concersation with me anyway, nothing outside the daily repition of college and school. I wonder if we will even have anything to talk about once I finish all my apps. Then he goes, why do u wanna go out on Sunday? I said, what else am I going to do? He didn't have a response. So he yelled at my driving.
Tomorrow is Christmas day. My parents are going to spend the entire day in the car, driving to North Carolina. I will spend it at home, working on college applications because we are not celebrating anyway, they will probably get some food at McDonalds and that'll be that. I will be cooking my own christmas dinner consisting of left over rice from a week ago and some rotten sausages.
This is why I don't like the holidays. Last year I spent it going to Kmart with them at 10 Pm cuz that's the only place that's open. It's been years since we went out to eat on Christmas Eve, it's been 7 years since we have really celebrated Christmas. I asked my dad about it today. He said, why is nobody celebrating? seems like a Ghosttown, nobody has spirit. and I said, no, we are just not celebrating because we never do. He screamed at me. he said, we have lights up, isn't that good enough? No it isn't. I want my family to be together. Is it too much to ask that for a few days a year that they put all worries aside and have fun and give me some sense of belonging and love? People have asked me what I wanted for christmas, and I have always said, nothing materialistic. You know what I really want? I want a nice family, a big, happy family with a sibling, a big dog, a christmas tree, and a home made dinner on that night, presents under the tree, a sense of always having something to look forward to, a feeling of belonging. I want a family tucked nicely into a box, wrapped, with a bow on top. Then tomorrow morning, when I tiptoe downstairs to look at our 6 inch tall plastic "tree" that we got on sale for $1.99, I can at least have a smile on my face. But, of course, that will never happen.
I wonder how my mom is doing.
Whenever I see a big, happy, American family, I am jealous. I am jealous beyond description. Why couldn't I have had the luck? Why do I have to live with this every single day? Why is it that I have to overcome everything and still seem happy and content with the way things have worked out? For god sakes, I just realized today that my only relative is my dad. I have no family. Yet despite all the independence I have developed, I am not independent at all, starting from the fact that my parents don't let me out, never trust me, and will not let me be exposed to society. Am I bound to grow up to be just like them? I think I am different. I hope I will be different. But I don't know. I don't even know what to think. I made it a goal for this winter break to catch up with friends, to have some fun, to be away from all this. But, today, after the LOTR, my dad got mad at me. For waht? For seeing a movie? Why does he want me in his reach all the time, it's not like he ever has a substantial concersation with me anyway, nothing outside the daily repition of college and school. I wonder if we will even have anything to talk about once I finish all my apps. Then he goes, why do u wanna go out on Sunday? I said, what else am I going to do? He didn't have a response. So he yelled at my driving.