(no subject)
This is fucking shitty.
Four years. All gone. I wasn't expecting marriage or any shit like that, but four years, gone, just like that.
No fighting, no arguments. Does that make it worse? I keep mulling over different scenarios in my head as to what would have made this easier. It's terrible having to keep explaining it to different people. I haven't updated this shit in years but I'm drunk and feeling like a high schooler and I could care less about my maturity level because I've never experienced such a numb pain. I want to cry all the time and I can't. Maybe I've cried all that I could cry but I just can't feel anything no matter how hard I try. It's not even like this is my first love or anything. I loved Isaac. I still love Isaac. I've never felt completely understood by anyone ever and now it's gone just like that. Three full days ago, everything was perfect, yet the love of my life (or at least that's how it seems right now) has been thinking about leaving me for a while.
I saw him at school today. I've never accidentally ran into him; I didn't think it would be a problem, we go to the 2nd largest school in the nation. And I left class today, and there he is, happy as can be, chatting on his phone that never seemed to receive my calls on campus. Maybe it's some other broad, I don't know. I don't care. There's nothing to care about at this point. I know no one uses LiveJournal anymore, but I'm going to use this to my advantage. My friends have proven themselves to care about me more than I ever thought (and I'm eternally grateful for the surprising amount of support I've received) but this hurt is so much deeper than anything I've experienced. No other boyfriend has been able to compare to him and every time I think about it it's like dry heaving except it's like I don't have any more cries to cry and I just experience and overwhelming numbness that I've never felt before. It's terrible. I hate it. But I guess this is growing up. I started this LiveJournal when I was in high school. I don't even remember when, was I 16? Maybe? I'm 22 now, so that makes this LiveJournal 6+ years documentation of fucking heartbreak and major life events that have happened at the pinnacle of shitholes in my life. When I don't have anyone else, I turn to LiveJournal. 2012, that's the fucking future. And I still can't catch a break. I still can't win. Through no fault of my own I still lose. Well, you win this time 2012, but I really just wanna live irresponsibly for once. I'm me and no one else can change that. Fuck you, I'm awesome and talented and I don't need shit from you.
Goodnight.
Four years. All gone. I wasn't expecting marriage or any shit like that, but four years, gone, just like that.
No fighting, no arguments. Does that make it worse? I keep mulling over different scenarios in my head as to what would have made this easier. It's terrible having to keep explaining it to different people. I haven't updated this shit in years but I'm drunk and feeling like a high schooler and I could care less about my maturity level because I've never experienced such a numb pain. I want to cry all the time and I can't. Maybe I've cried all that I could cry but I just can't feel anything no matter how hard I try. It's not even like this is my first love or anything. I loved Isaac. I still love Isaac. I've never felt completely understood by anyone ever and now it's gone just like that. Three full days ago, everything was perfect, yet the love of my life (or at least that's how it seems right now) has been thinking about leaving me for a while.
I saw him at school today. I've never accidentally ran into him; I didn't think it would be a problem, we go to the 2nd largest school in the nation. And I left class today, and there he is, happy as can be, chatting on his phone that never seemed to receive my calls on campus. Maybe it's some other broad, I don't know. I don't care. There's nothing to care about at this point. I know no one uses LiveJournal anymore, but I'm going to use this to my advantage. My friends have proven themselves to care about me more than I ever thought (and I'm eternally grateful for the surprising amount of support I've received) but this hurt is so much deeper than anything I've experienced. No other boyfriend has been able to compare to him and every time I think about it it's like dry heaving except it's like I don't have any more cries to cry and I just experience and overwhelming numbness that I've never felt before. It's terrible. I hate it. But I guess this is growing up. I started this LiveJournal when I was in high school. I don't even remember when, was I 16? Maybe? I'm 22 now, so that makes this LiveJournal 6+ years documentation of fucking heartbreak and major life events that have happened at the pinnacle of shitholes in my life. When I don't have anyone else, I turn to LiveJournal. 2012, that's the fucking future. And I still can't catch a break. I still can't win. Through no fault of my own I still lose. Well, you win this time 2012, but I really just wanna live irresponsibly for once. I'm me and no one else can change that. Fuck you, I'm awesome and talented and I don't need shit from you.
Goodnight.