"Singularity" Chapter 49: "The Spaces Between" [49/49]
Title: "Singularity" Chapter 49: "The Spaces Between" [49/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,533
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
~
"Don't open it," Ellie advised. ...Ever! Ugh, I wish...
"Sorry, kiddo, but I get the feelin' he ain't--"
"Yet," she added; she knew ignoring Tommy wouldn't make him go away. "Don't open it yet. Let me put more clothes on first? And I'm staying in between you guys so he can't decide to hit you again. Actually -- come with me. I don't trust you not to open it..."
"Open up -- I know you're in there!"
"Give us a minute!" Joel called to him.
"He prob'ly thinks we're fucking," Ellie mused, giggling softly. She dragged Joel by the hand into the bedroom.
"Glad you find this so amusin'," Joel drawled. "I'm sure he heard the guitar."
"Oh yeah, huh. Fucking while playing guitar, then? Cuz we're so talented?"
"Just get dressed."
She buttoned up Joel's flannel shirt that she was already wearing over her new pajamas, and donned the Nina shorts from the drawer. An odd combination... the shirt was long enough that she had to tuck a piece of it in to show that she was indeed wearing something on her lower half. Joel changed into his jeans and an undershirt, so they were both slightly more presentable when they marched out to... face their fate, pretty much. Ellie wasn't actually amused -- she was scared shitless. Is this it? Ultimatum time: play by the rules or get the fuck out?
"I'll open the door," she told Joel, "but you need to stay close, in case he like... tries to grab me or something." Grab her and toss her into a locked cage or a dungeon somewhere, because that was the only thing that might possibly be able to keep her away from Joel.
"He won't lay a hand on you," Joel replied. "If he knows what's good for him, anyway..."
She knew Tommy wouldn't hurt her or anything, but she could imagine him attempting to physically separate her from Joel while they were talking. He won't if he knows what's good for his BALLS... Ellie reluctantly opened the door wide enough to let Tommy in.
He paused at the threshold and looked at her. "Weren't you even gonna let me an' Maria know you were all right?"
...Huh? "It's not that late yet, is it?" She would have gone to their house eventually, since all her essential stuff was there. Even if I didn't do that tonight, they have no reason to worry-- "Joel figured the gate told you he came back, so you would just assume I was with him -- and therefore, okay. Obviously."
He shifted his gaze to Joel. "Damn... they told me you got hurt, but that's... what happened?"
"Nothin'." Joel's stock answer to that question.
"You have to tell a different story every time someone asks," Ellie chided him, closing the door behind Tommy.
"Too much work," said Joel dismissively. "Have a seat, baby brother."
The two men sat at opposite ends of the table and Ellie pulled the desk chair over, planting it decisively closer to Joel than to Tommy, just like last time. Unlike last time, however, she actually remembered to politely offer her unexpected guest a drink, which he declined. She perched on the edge of her chair, like she might need to hop up at any minute and... do what? Fuck if I know.
"So," Tommy began, looking at Joel... and not looking like he wanted to hurt him or even lecture him. "Did you get all your soul-searchin' done out there?"
"For the most part. I was gonna come an' see you..."
"But you had to see Ellie first," Tommy surmised.
"She's a hell of a lot nicer to look at than you are," Joel teased him.
Ellie waited to Tommy to fire back something snarky about Joel's appearance, but he didn't. It struck her how painful their now-strained relationship must be -- for each of them. They'd had their differences in the past, but they had been getting along pretty well for the past year. And it's all my fault... she felt only a niggling guilt over it, though. Because we didn't DO anything to Tommy -- he's just got a stick up his ass!
Joel sighed. "Look. I know what you wanna hear. You wanna hear me tell you that I... I realized you were right all along. That Ellie would be better off without me. So she can be with someone her own age."
Ugh! "Except I don't want--"
"He knows, Ellie. That's the thing... this is what she wants. What I want. -We want to be together. Simple as that."
"Nothin' simple about it." Tommy frowned at each of them in turn. "We're talkin' about an old man bein' with a child."
"A middle-aged man," Ellie corrected him, "and a young woman. Big difference there!"
"It is simple," Joel continued. "We love each other. Yes, I'm older. In a perfect world, she would be with someone younger. But guess what -- this ain't a perfect world. Not even close. What we have... it don't come along every day. It would be pretty goddamn stupid to throw it away like it's nothin'." He put his hand over Ellie's and gave it a squeeze.
She couldn't help smiling at him. That's so sweet! "I totally agree," she said -- in case there's any doubt?! She'd been expressing that same sentiment all along. It was just... amazing to hear Joel echo her own thoughts to his brother -- and with confidence in his words. In his tone.
Tommy looked at them silently... for a painfully long moment. "I still can't... condone what you're doin'. But-- I reckon it'd be pointless for me to argue with either of you. You're both stubborn as mules." He looked at Ellie. "Sweetheart, all I ever wanted was what's best for you. In the long run."
"I know." She could acknowledge that. "What I don't get is how you can't see that Joel is what's best for me. That we belong together."
"You did belong together, when you came to town last year... I was real happy for the both of you. Happy that Joel got to be a dad again... fillin' that void..."
"Ellie was never a replacement for Sarah," Joel said firmly.
"Of course not. Didn' mean to imply that she was. But I could see the change in you... she fixed somethin' that was broke inside you for a long, long time. You two... clearly loved each other. Without it bein' sexual. ...If what you told me was true, anyhow -- that came later? The sexual part."
"Yes," Joel affirmed. "I truly thought of her like my daughter in the beginnin'."
"All right. What I can't help wonderin' is... why wasn't that enough? What was wrong with the kind of relationship you had?"
Joel sighed. "I used to ask myself things like that. And I wished things hadn't changed... wished Ellie could have a normal life... I felt selfish as all hell. I've done... plenty of shitty things in my lifetime, and I didn't want her to be one of 'em... her'n'me. But we can't go back. We can't just... decide we're gonna be father'n'daughter again. It don't work like that. There was nothin' wrong with the way we were... just..."
"The heart wants what the heart wants?" Tommy supplied.
"That it does. Am I really bein' selfish... when all I'm doin' is givin' her what she wants? Makin' her happy? What good would it do to walk away now?"
"You can't go back," Tommy agreed. "You can't undo what's been done. That don' mean that you have to keep goin' forward... doin' what you're doin'."
"It does, actually," Ellie interjected, careful to keep her voice calm. "It's either that, or... we say goodbye to each other. And there's no fucking way I'm doing that just because you think I'm too young. -You, and people who think like you."
"Which is gonna be a considerable part of the town," Joel added. "I understand that. We don't wanna put you in a tough position."
Tommy leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest. "You don't? Too late, 'cause that's where I'm at."
"I haven't had a chance to talk to Ellie much about this," said Joel, glancing at her, "or... haven't gotten around to it yet, I should say. What I was thinkin' is... if you can live with this -- with us, bein'... together... if you can remember it's about love, not sex..."
Tommy snorted. "It sure didn't look like that from where I was standin' that day."
Ellie felt her face getting warm. She did actually feel kind of sorry for Tommy on that count. "It sucks that you saw what you did. If you were gonna walk in on us, I would've picked a different time -- one where you could see how sweet Joel is to me. How like... loving, or... what's that other word..."
Tommy held up a hand. "I don' need to hear about my brother makin' sweet love to you, thank you."
"But that's what it is!" she replied. "It's love. And that's what I've been missing these last couple months -- the love. Not the sex. I mean, I know you and Maria love me..."
"So do lots of other people here," said Tommy.
"But it's just not the same. When Joel... even just hugs me... I feel like... all warm inside, you know? I don't mean physically... I mean like in my soul. Because I love him so much. And I can feel how much he loves me. There's just nothing else--"
"You could've had that feelin' with him bein' your father, too," Tommy replied.
"You know it ain't the same," Joel put in. "Think about when you started fallin' in love with Maria. Obviously, the feelin' was mutual. Things got romantic. Now think about havin' to go back to the beginnin', after that. Like nothin' ever happened. Both of you still feel the same attraction, but you can't act on it. Again -- there's no goin' back."
Tommy frowned. "Except Maria is a grown woman. We were two consenting adults."
"Well, yay for you," Ellie said crossly. "It didn't happen like that for us. Er -- the consenting part did. And I'm not a little girl."
"Oh but you are," said Tommy. "You are, an' Joel never should've let things get to this point. He should've known better."
"He said no to me at first!" Ellie cried. "Tommy, you don't understand -- I practically threw myself at him -- I'm the one who started it! Not Joel!"
"He don't care about that, Ellie," Joel replied before Tommy could. "Nor should he. It's beside the point. I made the choice. And he's right -- as the adult, I should've known better."
What the fuck?! "Joel--"
"It's true. I did know better, actually. I knew it was wrong. I just didn't care."
Fuck fuck fuuuuuck-- "Oh my God -- but you said you were done thinking it's wrong! Right? Didn't you fucking say that?!"
Joel nodded. "Let me finish. The way I see it now... it was a mistake. That first kiss... there's no goin' back after that." He looked at Tommy. "But you know what else was a mistake? Sarah. And I wouldn't take that mistake back now for anythin' in the world. Sometimes... that's just the way things happen."
Ellie had never thought of it that way. Mostly because she didn't think anything about the nature of their relationship should be classified as 'a mistake.' But she liked the comparison. It did make a certain kind of sense... should Joel not have been a father to Sarah because he'd never intended to have a kid so young? No. He just had to make the best of--
"That's different," said Tommy, dashing her hopes that he would have a breakthrough moment of clarity here. "You have a choice this time. You can still do the right thing."
"He is doing--"
"I got this, Ellie," Joel cut her off, his eyes fixed unwaveringly on Tommy. "I had a choice back then, too. We could've not had the baby. Could've gave it up for adoption. No doubt an adoptive family could've given her a better life than we did. But you know somethin' else? I had no way of knowin' if that's how it would turn out. Whereas I knew if she was with me, she would be loved. Wanted. Cared for."
Tommy sighed. "It still ain't the same--"
"It ain't exactly the same, no. But you do agree that... we can't backpedal on this. I can't just... decide I'm gonna be Ellie's father now. Either we're together, as a couple, or we put lots of space between us... go our separate ways... an' then I'd be just another person in her life that she's loved an' lost. Just another person who taught her... that you'd best not bother with love 'cause all it does is hurt you in the end. I don't call that doin' the right thing. I call it stupid. And unnecessary. I think the time apart did us both some good... but any more time apart is just... it's wasted time, is all it is. I'm here now -- with her. For as long as she wants me around."
Tommy didn't reply to that; Ellie hoped that meant he was mulling things over. I am so proud of Joel right now! Look at him, all sure of himself. Of US. And now he feels the same way I do about time apart just being wasted time... Tommy can just go to hell if he can't accept it!
"I think I got a little side-tracked," Joel continued. "What I was startin' to say before is... I understand you have to think about more than just... me'n'her in a relationship you don't approve of. There's implications for the town. Other people who might demand that somethin' be done."
Fuck-- "Wait -- but I am sixteen now. Which means I'm old enough in lots of places! In the old days, I mean! That should be good enough, right? Especially since there isn't even a law about it anymore!"
"Eighteen is the legal age we've established here," Tommy replied. "As far as bein' considered an adult... bein' able to go Outside unaccompanied..."
Ellie had a surge of inspiration. "And drinking alcohol at parties, right? But people don't really go by that! Lots of teenagers were drinking at Bryan'n'Trin's wedding and no one--"
"That's a little different than a teenager sleepin' with a fifty-year-old man," said Tommy.
"Not really. There's an age, like... suggested? But really it's more of an individual decision type thing, in the end."
"For the booze? Maybe. Goin' Outside alone? ...Possibly, though I can't think of one -- your escape by teleportation don't count."
Ha! She'd forgotten which story she'd fed him. Probably multiple versions. "Whatever. Those... so-called laws or whatever are meant to protect kids. Right? Me and Joel aren't hurting anyone by loving each other."
"He don't see it that way," said Joel. "He thinks I'm sick... an' hurtin' you without you realizin' it. He has every right to feel that way... you shouldn't punish him for it. What I'm suggestin' is... Tommy, if you can look the other way in this instance, I'm willin' to hide it from the world, at least until Ellie turns eighteen -- and I think Ellie is too, seein' as how that's what we've been doin' since we came back from California." He glanced at Ellie for acknowledgment before continuing. "That way, no one gets up in arms, you don't gotta do anythin' about it--"
"Except ignore my conscience, you mean," Tommy interrupted bitterly.
"...Yes. I know it's a lot to ask--"
"Do you? 'Cause I think you can do it reeeeal easy."
An awkward pause here gave Ellie the chance to jump in... but she remained quiet. She didn't want to fill the air with empty words, or... with 'full' words that made perfect sense to her but didn't actually help matters...
"What if she gets pregnant?" Tommy continued.
"She won't. We'll be real careful... maybe look at usin' more reliable birth control, if we can get our hands on it."
The birth control thing was news to Ellie. However, now was not the time to make a case for "whatever happens, happens"... and of course, she understood that a pregnancy would (eventually) make discretion impossible.
Tommy didn't seem completely satisfied with Joel's answer, but he didn't dwell on it. "And what if someone else finds out about you two?"
"They won't!" Ellie promised; she could make Annie swear to secrecy.
"They might," Tommy replied. "You didn't want me to find out, either, but I did, didn't I?"
"Only cuz you barged into our house!"
He quirked an eyebrow at her. "After I heard you yellin'... things I don't care to repeat, at the top of your--"
"I'll be more quiet!" She couldn't help blushing at the memory (again!). Man, that time was so hot... up until it wasn't. "And I should've locked the door first -- I'll totally never forget that again! Joel always locks it -- that was my fault. I distracted him by-- er... I distracted him."
Tommy cringed.
Fuck, we do NOT want him dwelling on that memory! "You could always just... change the law? Right? Didn't laws used to get changed?"
Tommy laughed mirthlessly. "Sure. That would go over real well. Just change things up to suit my own family however I see fit. No input from nobody -- just change it?"
Ellie sighed. "It was just a thought. We can be really discreet, though. Especially Joel. Like, yeah, people might think I have a crush on him, but they can see that he loves me like a dad. Because he does love me that way. He just... also..."
"People are gonna talk, regardless," Joel added. "No matter what we do. It's just human nature."
Tommy snorted. "First week you were here, last year? I had people tellin' me it wasn't right for a teenage girl to live alone with a grown man who she ain't related to. You know what I told them? I said my brother would never do anythin' inappropriate with a young girl. And I believed it, too."
"Because it's true!" Ellie cried, frustrated. "You make him sound like a pervert or something!"
"It's all right, Ellie," Joel said calmly. "Like I said -- he has every right to feel the way he does. We can't change his mind about that. I would say the same thing myself if it was any--"
"But we can show him that it's not bad -- that us, being together -- it's not like he seems to think it is!" Which he should already fucking KNOW because he's SEEN us together!
"Maybe. That ain't up for debate at the moment. Tommy... if you can allow Ellie to keep livin' with me -- which will make it much less likely for someone else to find out, compared to if we were sneakin' around town tryin' to find places to see each other... If you can do that, you can set any other parameters you want. If you don't want to see us together, like how we come over for dinner... if you don't want me around your son..."
The fuck?! Ellie couldn't believe Joel was going there. "Oh my God -- what the fuck does Grayson have to do with anything? You're not a fucking child molester -- Tommy, please tell me you know that!"
"It don' mean that, necessarily," Joel answered before Tommy could say anything. "Just... if he finds my... my moral character, an' whatnot... if that's too lacking..."
"I've got no issue with you bein' around my son," said Tommy, much to Ellie's relief (because fuck, that would be so stupid!). "It's you bein' around her."
Arrgghhhh... what's that saying about a dog with a bone? She was glad Tommy could at least acknowledge that Joel didn't pose any kind of physical or moral threat to his kid. If only he could see that-- ohhhhh I've got it! "Okay listen. I have another idea. I didn't ask Joel about this, but... I think he'd be okay with it. Remember what I said before, about it being about love, not sex? I can prove it to you. Joel never wanted to have sex with me until I was eighteen. I tried and tried and tried to talk him into it and he always said no. Like, for ages. Finally I pretty much forced him to-- shut up, Joel, it's totally true!" She gave him an okay-so-not-really-but-it-just-helps-make-the-argument look. Which was a lot to convey with a look, so she didn't know if she succeeded (and they were a little rusty at this... at the knowing-each-other-by-heart thing), but at least she'd silenced the protest. She turned back to Tommy. "Well... I can't live without Joel. I mean-- yes, literally, I can, like I have been this summer so far... I was totally miserable without him, of course, but yeah.... anyways, if he's living here in town, and I'm living here in town, we have to be together. That's what I mean when I say I can't live without him. There can't be anything separating us -- I just can't allow that. But I can live without... the whole sex part. If that's the... whatchamacallit... the deal breaker? Then--"
Tommy interrupted her with a laugh -- this one stemming at least partly from amusement, it seemed. "How stupid do you think I am?"
"You're not stupid at all! I'm serious!"
"Right. So you're tellin' me... you two are gonna live together, in this house... with the one bed..."
"Yes. Like we did for months, before. Even after we... after things changed... we weren't having sex. Just cuddling and stuff."
"...and stuff?" Tommy echoed.
"You know. Being..."
"Affectionate," Joel supplied.
"Yes! Like, I can't just be his daughter, or his friend... but I can love him without fucking him. Which is all he wanted in the first place! He never wanted to start having sex with me." She shot Joel another look, warning him not to protest that; thankfully, he seemed content to let her paint this picture the way she wanted to. "Tommy, I swear -- and Joel will swear, too. Right, Joel? As long as we're together, the sex doesn't matter."
Tommy chuckled. "Oh, I have no doubt y'all can swear to it. Joel here -- he can look me in the eye an' swear nothin's goin' on, an' not mean a word of it. He's done it a few times already. I don't see how this time would be any different. As for you... I think you might actually mean it. Maybe your intentions are good. But then when it comes down to it, eventually you won't be able to keep your word. Then we'll be back to square one, with both of you lyin' to me again."
"No, it wouldn't be like that!" Ellie cried, desperate to make him believe her. "I really do--"
Tommy held up his hand again. "What's the alternative? If you have to be together, like you say... would you keep livin' with Maria'n'me? You'n'Joel in separate rooms?"
No! FUCK THAT! But Ellie waited for Joel to answer this one. If he agreed to do that, she would go along with it...
Joel didn't even look at her for a cue as to how to answer. "We can't live with you. Not... given the way you feel about... our relationship. So, the alternative is we leave town. I really don't want to do that... for lots of reasons. But we can make it out there. We've done it before, we can do it again."
Tommy absorbed that for a moment, then looked at her. "You agree, I take it?"
Ellie nodded. "I would rather be with him, wherever he is, than live here without him. So yeah... and if you try to separate us, you already know that won't work. If you truly care about my safety, you'll let us stay here together." If a guilt trip was what it took to convince him, she'd fucking give him a guilt trip!
An uncomfortable silence settled over them. Ellie could see the wheels spinning in Tommy's head... she just couldn't tell what answer they were spinning toward. Should I keep talking? I could totally come up with more reasons he should let us stay... she looked at Joel, and he gave her a small smile. Squeezed her hand. She wanted to hug him so bad right now... but it wasn't the time for that. And just that little smile and squeeze... the look in his eye... she had all the reassurance she needed. We're going to be okay. No matter what.
"I'm gonna have to talk to Maria," Tommy said finally. "She wanted to come, but..."
"Of course," Joel replied.
After all that... we still don't know? "Okay but can you tell us what you've decided on so far?" she had to ask. "Or... we could go to your house and talk to her? All of us together?"
Tommy shook his head. "She's puttin' Grayson down for the night, an' she'll be ready to go herself right after. Tomorrow would be better."
"Okay -- tomorrow. So... what are you thinking?" she asked again.
"I'm thinkin'... I don't like this," Tommy said sourly. "I am not okay with it. Be that as it may... you two are so goddamn determined to be together, regardless of where you're at. And I think I'd rather have you here than... not. I've thought about this -- ever since you left, Joel, I've had it in the back of my mind... what do I do if he comes back an' they still wanna be together? Turnin' you out... it wouldn't accomplish a damn thing. Would I sleep better at night, knowin' I took a stand an' stuck to my guns? I doubt it... 'cause all of that would be offset by havin' to worry about you two, out there. Out there... in danger... when you don't have to be. That's what I'm thinkin'. I'm thinkin'... you win."
Ellie hadn't even realized she'd been holding her breath until she let it out, a big grin tugging at her face but not quite daring to emerge. "Really? You mean it? We can stay?"
"Like I said, I need to discuss it with Maria, but she knows how I feel -- what I just told you. We've talked about it some. She was kinda holdin' out hope that you'd be fine with separate bedrooms, in our house. But that don't seem to be in the cards, so... yes. As far as I'm concerned, you can stay. Just... be discreet. Don't rub our faces in it, or shout it from the rooftops--"
"Thank you, Tommy!" Ellie launched herself off her chair and practically over the table to give Tommy a fierce hug. "Thank you thank you thank you! You won't be sorry! We'll be so discreet that it burns! I'll babysit any time you guys want! And I'll come over all the time and help out with stuff still -- more than I did before cuz now I'm happy again!"
Tommy hugged her back, chuckling. "All right, all right... calm down..."
"Thank you, baby brother. I really appreciate this."
We're safe! There was no way Maria would be the one to kick them out; regardless of how she felt about Joel, Ellie felt confident that Maria loved her too much to banish them. Ellie pulled back and stood in front of Tommy awkwardly. "Seriously... thank you. I'm sorry I've been such a bitch to you. I was just... upset about Joel being gone and everything..."
"I know, honey. I understand. Apology accepted. We've loved havin' you around the house. You can come by any time." Tommy glanced at Joel. "Both of you. The door's always open."
Ellie smiled. "Unlocked, you mean. You don't have a screen door so if you leave it open then all the flies and mosquitoes get in."
Joel and Tommy both chuckled at that, although Ellie hadn't even said anything particularly funny. "Are you guys gonna start ganging up on me again?" she complained good-naturedly.
"You bet your ass we are," Joel smirked.
"Fine," she huffed, grinning slyly at Tommy. "As long as you keep telling me embarrassing Joel stories from when you guys were young, it's all good."
"He's run out of those by now," said Joel.
"You wish!" Ellie and Tommy said at the same time.
It was so nice to laugh with them again! Just when she thought her heart couldn't possibly swell up any bigger, she felt a surge of love for Tommy. Even though I've been so awful to him, he still loves me... if he didn't, he would've just kicked them out and not looked back rather than suffer the discomfort of living with what he (so wrongly) perceived as some kind of gross perversion. And really, his whole issue with her and Joel stemmed from his love for her. She would never understand how he couldn't just fucking see how much they cared about each other... how good and beneficial and consensual it was. For whatever reason, he was blind to it, and it was obviously difficult for him to concede here... but he did it anyway. She had a new appreciation for him, and she could tell Joel did, too.
The conversation that followed was much more pleasant. Since Ellie had the farm in the morning, it was decided that Joel would go to the house then... to talk to Maria (which Ellie knew was just a formality), and talk about work schedules (more proof that the Maria thing was just a formality, because otherwise, why would Tommy even bring that up?). They eventually said good night to Tommy... made sure to lock the fucking door behind him...
...and then Ellie turned to Joel, beaming. "Did that really just happen?" And we're finally alone again!
He engulfed her in his arms and kissed her sweetly. "I believe it did, yes. Though I'd hardly call that a ringin' endorsement."
"I don't care what kind of sound it makes -- we're together!" she cried, kissing him excitedly. Her lips parted to receive his tongue. Fuck YEAH, I've missed these tinglies-down-to-my-toes kisses... but-- "Shit -- did we actually swear off sex? We didn't, right? Like, that wasn't a condition of us staying or anything..."
"Mm... you kinda did, yeah. But I sure as hell didn't," he said -- with the most delightfully evil twinkle in his eye!
"Oh! Thank God. What was I thinking?" she giggled.
"You were thinkin'... that you'll do whatever it takes to get what you want. The end always justifies the means."
She cringed inwardly, wondering if he was referring to her Big Lie...
"Or," he continued, "did Tommy have the right of it? Did you actually mean it?"
So he DOESN'T think I'm nothing but a big fat liar after all! The truth was... Ellie had blurted it out without thinking about anything other than winning Tommy over. Not unlike what she'd done with Joel that horrible day. Like... she was willing to swear to anything she had to, but she would decide later if she actually intended to stand by her words or not. Which was certainly not an honorable thing to do. She didn't want to be the sort of person who did that. But... I guess I am? Whatever -- no harm in letting Joel think the best of me, is there? She smiled. "I did mean it. All I want is to be with you -- here, where we're safe and have a nice soft bed... and hot showers... cold milk... beef stew, and bread -- and everything else that I love about Jackson. Our friends... family... stuff to do besides figuring out where our next meal is coming from. And staying at Tommy and Maria's... with you there too, I mean... it would just be torture if I can't touch you... and kiss you..." She kissed him to punctuate that. "To be close to you. In every way possible."
He nuzzled her cheek... started walking them backwards toward the bedroom... "Ain't that what sex is? The closest way possible?"
"Yes... but I remember I was really, really happy being with you, before we did any of that sex stuff. Like... I don't need your dick inside me to feel loved. You know?"
He had already managed to undo her shorts, nearly making her trip as they fell to her ankles. He grazed his hand over the exposed silky fabric of her pajamas. "Sure. And you... wouldn't've felt at all tempted by... anythin' I might do..."
"Nope!" she giggled, delighted at his naughty tone as well as his wandering hands. "I would've said 'sorry, Joel, we're not allowed'..."
"Then Tommy did have the right of it: good intentions... ultimate failure."
I love that wicked smile he has! "Hey, how do you know I would fail? It would be fun teasing you. I used to do it all the time!"
"Except you'd also be teasin' yourself, this time. That's somethin' that you... you don't suffer it gladly."
"Maybe I wouldn't have to! Maybe you'd finally get your wish -- I could just touch myself while you do nothing but sit there and-- Eeeek!" she shrieked when he suddenly threw her down on the bed.
He climbed on top of her, smirking. "I never said I'd do nothin' but sit there."
She settled herself beneath him comfortably... legs coiled around his waist, arms around his neck... he's finally HOME. It just hit her again, like it had at random times over the past few hours. She shifted an arm down to his back so she could hug his lower half even closer to hers. "Guess you're not too tired from the road after all, huh? Or..." She snaked a hand around to his fly.
"No, you're right... he's gettin' there. He missed you."
"I missed him, too! Almost as much as I missed you."
"Is that right? I think he mighta... taken offense, when you said you didn' need him inside you, just now..."
She giggled. "It was a lie! All lies! I neeeeeed you inside me!"
His wicked smile softened into a more adoring one. "I missed you, too. I missed this. Just... bein' close. Hearin' you giggle like that. The two of us together... just enjoyin' each other."
Aww! "We're going to enjoy the fuck out of each other every day from now on."
"Hell yes we are. Especially since now we don't have to wonder where our next meal is comin' from, like you said."
"Well... we still do... there's like zero food in this house." What little she'd left behind two months ago, she had since consumed over the course of her 'escape' visits to the house -- after guitar sessions, mainly.
"You're right. Big decision tomorrow night. Do we eat at Tommy an' Maria's? The farm? Here, if we go to the store?"
"Huge decision, yes! I say... why don't we go to the store, after I'm done with work... get some of the basic stuff... what did you call that? The basics?"
"Staples."
"Staples! Yeah -- so we have the option to eat here. But if Tommy or Maria like... specifically invite us for dinner, that's a good thing, so we should go there."
"Good call, boss."
Ha! She still loved it when he called her that. "I'm very smart," she informed him.
"You are," he agreed.
The bedroom was pretty dark now, with just the light spilling in from the hall, but Ellie could make out Joel's expression well enough to know that he'd gotten serious all of a sudden. "Joel... if you wanna talk, or like... go slow? It's cool. Whatever you need."
He kissed her softly. "Know what I really wanna do right now?"
"What? Name it and we'll do it!"
He shifted his lips over to her neck. "I just wanna make love to you. All night. Nice'n'slow."
Yes! He already had her shivering and quivering and aching for more... but in such a pleasant way that she wouldn't mind if it lasted all night. And it reminded her-- "That sounds amazing... and remember how when we were first... like this... you said you had to kiss all my freckles? Plus all the spaces in between them? I wanna do that to you."
Joel chuckled. "I don't got nearly as many--"
"So, it's more spaces, then -- same thing!" She worked his shirt up...
...and he obligingly lifted his arms to remove it altogether, then started unbuttoning her shirt (or, rather, another shirt of his -- the one she happened to be wearing!). "Mmm... maybe another time. I don't think I have the patience for that right now."
"But you just said--"
"I know what I said." His lips grazed her cleavage. "But if I let you do that..."
She giggle-groaned. "I'll skip certain places if you want. Jeez!"
"Thank you -- but I was thinkin' more like... if I let you do that, it means I can't kiss you, that whole time. Like this. Can't feel how soft you are... can't taste you..."
Ellie couldn't help thinking naughty thoughts at that last part, although she felt like Joel meant it innocently in this instance. Mmmm YES... she arched her back when he nudged her pajama top aside to plant his mouth over her nipple. "Uhhh... I mean... you still could... like, after..." His hand was slowly running up and down her leg (she was so glad she'd shaved them earlier!), lingering in her groin area teasingly before repeating the motion... I'm going to melt right into this bed if he keeps this up!
He lapped and sucked at her nipple another moment before replying. "You had a good point before, though... 'bout how I should consider what you want, more often... so if you want me to stop doin' what I'm doin'..."
"Don't you dare!" she breathed. "Don't stop."
He kissed back over to the middle (and Ellie knew he was going to repeat his ministrations with her other breast). "Yes, ma'am... I reckon I have to relearn you first."
"What? Ha -- it hasn't been that long..."
"Yes it has. You mighta grew some new freckles by now."
She couldn't help giggling at that one. "Well, you might wanna turn on the light, then, cuz it's too dark to even see them."
He circled her nipple with his tongue. "I can see you jus' fine this way. Besides, I look better in the dark."
Oh man... "Joel -- seriously -- if this is about your ear--"
"No, I've always looked better in the dark."
"Ugh -- okay -- come up here for a second!" She tugged him upwards, and he immediately captured her mouth in a kiss.
She giggled but sobered quickly. "Just -- I love you."
"I know."
"And I don't care about your stupid ear!"
"I know that, too."
"Or anything else about how you look -- trust me, it is the last thing I think about when I'm with you. Especially like this."
"All right." He tried to kiss her again.
"I feel like you don't believe me, though!" she protested. "And it's not just cuz I love you -- I mean I'm super attracted to you -- which means you're fucking hot, okay? I can't stand you thinking that just cuz you're not super young... I mean, it would be weird if you were, actually! I think I'd be all grossed out if you were young and like... just, eww. Cuz it wouldn't be you!"
"Calm down," he chuckled. "I meant it more like... what we've discussed before. Dudes are gross, girls are pretty. I'm fine with you bein' the pretty one. More than fine with it."
"Okay, but... just so you know. You're not gross to me, and... the only reason I'd avoid your ear right now is cuz it's healing, and probably doesn't need my spit all over that area. Ha -- not to be gross or anything!" She let him kiss her this time.
"You're cute. And thank you for that. ...Maybe I'll grow my hair out a little so it don't look quite so bad."
She couldn't imagine that not annoying him, though. She ran her hands through his hair, pausing over his scalp to massage it. "Hey, maybe you can start a new style -- long on that side, short on the other?"
"Oh yes, that sounds like it would make me look much better. ...I like what you're doin' up there, though..."
She sighed happily. "This is what I've missed. Just making you feel good... you making me feel good... no sex required."
"Me, too." He nuzzled her cheek and let his hand fall to rest... riiiiiiiiight where her groin met her inner thigh.
Ellie tried not to let that hand distract her from what she wanted to tell him. "I love being able to talk to you again... and kiss and cuddle and stuff... I just love how we are. You know? Like this. Finally together... right where we wanna be... no space between us." That space -- the separation -- had already become imbued with a strange surreality in Ellie's mind... we are NEVER going back to that. NO WAY.
"Mm." His thumb traced her pantyline teasingly while his lips caressed her neck.
Ooooo... "But, um... if you feel like you have to relearn me... and, you know -- taste me and all that..."
She could feel him grinning. "That'd be all right with you?"
"Totally all right with me."
EPILOGUE
"Joel, I'm fine -- really!"
"Just humor me then. Sit here for a--"
"But I'm gonna be late!"
"So be it. They'll live."
"Ugh-- Joel, seriously--"
"Seriously -- they'll live. Drink your water."
Ellie could see there was no arguing with him. She dutifully drank from the glass he had fetched for her, willing her body to quit being weird -- to quit making him worry for no reason. "They'll live, sure, but some of the kids will cry if I don't show up. Maybe it seems dumb, but the little ones -- they look forward to it, you know? I can't just--"
"I ain't tryin' to tell you not to go. Just... wait until the color returns to your face first? And let me walk you over there. Just in case."
She rolled her eyes. "Yes, Doctor Joel. It's probably growing pains. Maybe I'm finally getting taller!"
"Mm. I think you're a little old for that, but... maybe."
She had mostly been joking anyway; the dizziness was most likely a result of standing up too fast, same as last time. It just sucked that Joel happened to witness it, because he had proceeded to turn it into a big thing.
He continued to study her with concern. "I wish you would eat somethin'. You can't do all that farm work an' go horseback ridin' on... practically nothin', it sounds like."
"I told you -- I ate plenty."
"Just not for lunch."
She had been waking up early this week for some reason. Early enough to make it to the farm in time for breakfast, leaving Joel to sleep in for another hour or two (even though he'd been back Inside for a while now, Ellie figured he was still making up for lost sleep). So it wasn't like she hadn't eaten all day -- and she'd had a healthy serving of eggs and bacon, not just a little oatmeal or toast. I probably should've just lied and told him I ate a big lunch... she honestly hadn't felt hungry at lunchtime. Still didn't feel hungry. But she took another sip of water, just to humor Joel. You can't be annoyed with him for CARING, she reminded herself.
In the weeks that had followed Joel's return to Jackson, Ellie and Joel had settled back into a routine pretty similar to their old one. It was almost like those two-plus-months apart had never happened.
...Almost.
It wasn't that Ellie didn't trust Joel not to leave again. He seemed to expect her not to trust him, but he was wrong! She believed that he had no intention of leaving her. But that was the thing: intentions didn't always matter. The world didn't give a shit about what you wanted to happen. And now that Ellie had had a taste of life without Joel...
Except she also hadn't. Not yet. The whole time they were apart, Joel had been out there, going about his days, thinking of her... loving her... looking forward to being with her again. (Granted, she hadn't realized it at the time, but it was true all the same.) He had been out there, scratching his side if it itched... pissing in the bushes when he had to go... laying his head down when it was time to sleep. Just normal everyday human things that people did when they were alive. -Oh, plus robbing fucking trains! Ellie would have loved to have seen that! She knew it was dangerous as fuck, but it sounded awesome, the way Joel described it. Anyway... it wasn't exactly a revelation to her that Joel would most likely di-- NO -- not THAT word -- he'll GO SIX FEET UNDER -- before she did. She knew she had to just... not dwell on it. That's easier said than done sometimes!
Ellie knew she could physically live without him. She did not need Joel to put air in her lungs or food in her belly, after all. She didn't even need him to give her life purpose -- the town did that. And when she couldn't find solace in her work or the other people around her that she loved, there was the guitar. Maybe... maybe even the ocean again, someday. Life offered various means of coping, as long as she could muster the strength to seek them out. Time did have a way of dulling even the sharpest of pains. She knew all this. And yet... somehow, the thought of living in the world without Joel had become even more completely unbearable than it ever had been.
Joel could preach all he wanted about how they were two separate people, but it didn't feel that way to Ellie. Now more than ever, she was convinced that Joel was an extension of herself. ...Or I'm an extension of him? Cuz he's older? Whatever-- It wasn't that she couldn't tolerate being apart from him for a few hours during the course of a regular day. 'Tolerate' wasn't even the right word -- she was fine with it. She was happy again, so she enjoyed things again. Even if those things didn't involve Joel.
But whenever there was any space between them -- even when she knew where he was and when she would see him next -- there was just this tiny morsel of fear lodged in her soul. Fear of the unknown. Fear that anything can happen. Fear that so much of what went on in the world was outside of her very small realm of control.
And Joel... he got it. He understood. When he gently kissed her tears away after they made love for the first time since his return, and the only explanation she could offer was "I love you soooo much"... he knew that she was trying to say so much more. Even when it happened again, and she managed to convey her feelings slightly more coherently, she didn't have to say much at all before he was finishing the thoughts for her. Because he felt the exact same way -- there was always a part of him that felt uneasy when they weren't together. Maybe it was paranoia... maybe the anxiety would ease up with the passage of time... but more and more, Ellie felt like it was just the way things were. It wasn't just because they loved each other. She loved Tommy and Maria, and Grayson... and Annie... Esther... Clicker (even if she was keeping her distance)... Spirit... Max -- and even people she wasn't that close to, she felt love for at times! If she were to spend any amount of time thinking about losing them, it would upset her. But she didn't feel unwarranted concern for them if she wasn't in the same room as them. She didn't feel like a part of her would be missing forever if they were to disappear from the Earth.
So she really couldn't fault Joel for... being concerned, when she had actually given him a physical reason to be. Still, she didn't want to keep the kids at the library waiting! "I promise you, I feel fine now," she assured him. "Do I look okay to you? Can I go? You can walk me over there and sit in the audience to stare at me the whole time if it would make you feel better. Okay?"
He smiled. "I might take you up on that. But... in a minute. I wanted to ask you somethin'."
"Okay -- one minute." She waited expectantly... and he just looked at her. She finished her glass of water and set it on the coffee table (which still had not ever had coffee served on it)... and he still didn't ask her anything. "Soooooo... what did you want to ask me?"
"Your color seems to be back. That's good."
"...That's not a question." But she was glad to hear she looked normal again!
"Right. Just... you really should've gotten your period by now... I assume you still haven't, today... since you haven't said anythin' about it..."
Ellie squirmed. "Um... maybe we're remembering it wrong? Maybe it hasn't been long enough since--"
"That's what you said before, and you said you were gonna check your calendar. Only you keep... forgettin' to check it. Is that right?"
"Yeah... sorry... I still haven't checked." She hadn't exactly forgotten, just... she was scared to look? Things were going so well for them now -- there hadn't been any rocks thrown through their window or nasty rumors flying around town (at least, not that Ellie was aware of!)... Tommy and Maria had more or less quietly accepted their relationship. She and Joel were together and happy as fuck, and Ellie was perfectly fine with waiting until she was eighteen -- or even older -- to start making babies with him.
"Why don't you check right now before you--"
"I don't have time! I'm already late! Since you're making me sit here--"
"Ellie, it would only take a second an' you know it. I think you just... you know it's been too long. You don't wanna confirm it."
She sighed. "Can we talk about this later? You said it yourself -- I look fine now. I get dizzy sometimes. Like, barely ever -- it's been months since the last time. Everyone gets dizzy once in a while. And we already know that last time, it didn't mean anything, so--"
"Maybe it didn't last time, no, but we ain't talkin' about bein' dizzy now: we're talkin' about the Red River. Which could mean somethin.' "
"But it won't! We've been careful. We barely even have sex anymore!"
Joel arched an eyebrow at that. "Uh... since when does almost daily amount to barely even?"
"I mean-- yeah, we have it sometimes, but... we're careful." She couldn't think of any close calls they'd had lately. And she had noticed Joel was even more careful than before when it came to multiple rounds. Like... it wasn't even that he would go wash himself off in between. Now he thought it would be best if they both did, in case there was any... lingering jizz, basically. He wouldn't even offer to use his fingers otherwise. If it was late at night and they were already cozy in bed, they usually just decided to forgo Round Two, opting to remain cozy rather than go get all cleaned up. So it really didn't make sense for her to be pregnant!
But she was still scared to check her calendar. Because she knew she wasn't usually this late -- especially when she was Inside, on a regular eating and sleeping schedule and not all stressed out, generally-speaking. And she had been feeling a little... off, maybe? The waking up early... the not being hungry, sometimes... but I don't feel SICK.
"I can check it for you," Joel offered. "It's the one you keep in your bag, right? I'll just--"
"You know I don't like you going through my stuff," Ellie groaned. "Fine -- I'll check it. If I'm allowed to get off this couch now?"
"You're allowed. Just take it slow."
Ellie resisted the urge to roll her eyes at him again. "Okay, one sec..."
It was actually more like twenty seconds -- aaaaaand, date verified. Fuck...
She could see the hope drain from Joel's face the moment he read the expression on hers. "Well?" he prompted her.
"Okay so... it's possible I marked the day wrong last time..."
"But if you didn't? How many days late are you?"
She cringed. "Sixteen." Ellie flopped back down on the couch next to Joel; she didn't know what number he'd been expecting or hoping for, but she knew this one was bad. "So, now what?"
"So... now you go see the kids and... try not to worry about it."
She gave him a Look.
"I'm serious. There's nothin' you can do about it right now. Maybe we oughta take you to the clinic. See if you have low blood sugar, or if you're anemic or somethin'--"
"What? Fuck that! You really want them drawing my blood and doing tests on it and stuff? Didn't we already decide that's a bad idea?!"
"...Right. Maybe... we just make sure you eat better. Just in case."
"Just in case I'm pregnant?" There -- she said it!
"Because you had another dizzy spell. But... that too." Joel frowned. "Before... when you told me you were... you said Maria had tests in her bathroom. Did you just... was that true? Or not?"
"Yes! She does! Want me to steal one? I know where they are! Unless she's used them all up -- God, I hope she hasn't -- she'd prob'ly get more though, right? I know she and Tommy wanna have more kids so it seems like she might wanna keep some around. I'll go over there right now! I can just offer to change Grayson's diaper next time he needs it and--"
"Whoa-- no, I wasn't thinkin' right this second. Maybe just... next time we're over there, yeah?"
"Oh. Right. Yeah, okay." But Ellie was suddenly consumed with the desire to know right this second!
Joel seemed to realize this, and he was clearly amused by it. "A minute ago you didn't even wanna check your calendar to make sure we weren't just figurin' it wrong. Now you--"
"I know, okay? Just-- don't you wanna fucking know? One way or the other. Like... how am I even gonna be able to think about anything else?!"
"Easy. You go to the library, you pick up a book, and you start readin' to all those eager little faces."
Ellie groaned. "But the whole time I'm gonna be wondering! I mean... I can't be. Right? We've been super careful!"
"I feel like we have, yes. So, most likely, you ain't. You're just late. It happens." He tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear -- a touch that made her shiver, even though she didn't think he intended it to. "But right now, you're gonna be late for storytime if we don't start headin' over there. You ready?"
She had to laugh. "How can you be so calm right now? I just told you I'm sixteen days late. Which is... way outside my usual window of lateness."
"It still don't mean you're pregnant. But... if you are, we'll handle it. Together. I promise you... everything will be okay. Either way. You need to know that. ...All right?"
She didn't know how he could say that when obviously it very much wouldn't be okay if she got pregnant prior to turning eighteen. FUCK... I was finally cool with NOT being disappointed about not being pregnant... and now this?! I'm already kinda starting to hope that I AM... except UGH, no I'm NOT... I'M NOT I'M NOT I'M NOT! Not hoping -- and not pregnant. Big NOPE to both.
"Ellie?" Joel was waiting for her to acknowledge his reassurances.
She looked at him -- at this man who loved her more than anyone ever had in her entire life... a man who had done nothing but prove that to her since he'd returned -- and she knew he was right. Everything would be fine, as long as they were together. I believe him! She gave him a little smile. "Okay."
~
Author's Note: Okay, I know what you're thinking... (well, some of you)... you're shaking your first at me and screaming HOW CAN YOU END IT WITH A FREAKING CLIFFHANGER LIKE THAT?!?! But it's not meant to be a cliffhanger. It's just open-ended! The "is she or isn't she" thing was a recurring theme in this story that I couldn't resist playing with one last time. Since I don't have any plans to do a Part 4 of this series, I will leave it up to YOU to decide for yourself. (I did want to leave myself enough leeway to potentially pick it up from here someday and not have too much difficulty steering things in another direction if needed, but yeah, no immediate plans.) A big thank you to everyone who stuck with this story 'til the end. I hope you enjoyed it even half as much as I enjoyed writing it ♥
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,533
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
~
"Don't open it," Ellie advised. ...Ever! Ugh, I wish...
"Sorry, kiddo, but I get the feelin' he ain't--"
"Yet," she added; she knew ignoring Tommy wouldn't make him go away. "Don't open it yet. Let me put more clothes on first? And I'm staying in between you guys so he can't decide to hit you again. Actually -- come with me. I don't trust you not to open it..."
"Open up -- I know you're in there!"
"Give us a minute!" Joel called to him.
"He prob'ly thinks we're fucking," Ellie mused, giggling softly. She dragged Joel by the hand into the bedroom.
"Glad you find this so amusin'," Joel drawled. "I'm sure he heard the guitar."
"Oh yeah, huh. Fucking while playing guitar, then? Cuz we're so talented?"
"Just get dressed."
She buttoned up Joel's flannel shirt that she was already wearing over her new pajamas, and donned the Nina shorts from the drawer. An odd combination... the shirt was long enough that she had to tuck a piece of it in to show that she was indeed wearing something on her lower half. Joel changed into his jeans and an undershirt, so they were both slightly more presentable when they marched out to... face their fate, pretty much. Ellie wasn't actually amused -- she was scared shitless. Is this it? Ultimatum time: play by the rules or get the fuck out?
"I'll open the door," she told Joel, "but you need to stay close, in case he like... tries to grab me or something." Grab her and toss her into a locked cage or a dungeon somewhere, because that was the only thing that might possibly be able to keep her away from Joel.
"He won't lay a hand on you," Joel replied. "If he knows what's good for him, anyway..."
She knew Tommy wouldn't hurt her or anything, but she could imagine him attempting to physically separate her from Joel while they were talking. He won't if he knows what's good for his BALLS... Ellie reluctantly opened the door wide enough to let Tommy in.
He paused at the threshold and looked at her. "Weren't you even gonna let me an' Maria know you were all right?"
...Huh? "It's not that late yet, is it?" She would have gone to their house eventually, since all her essential stuff was there. Even if I didn't do that tonight, they have no reason to worry-- "Joel figured the gate told you he came back, so you would just assume I was with him -- and therefore, okay. Obviously."
He shifted his gaze to Joel. "Damn... they told me you got hurt, but that's... what happened?"
"Nothin'." Joel's stock answer to that question.
"You have to tell a different story every time someone asks," Ellie chided him, closing the door behind Tommy.
"Too much work," said Joel dismissively. "Have a seat, baby brother."
The two men sat at opposite ends of the table and Ellie pulled the desk chair over, planting it decisively closer to Joel than to Tommy, just like last time. Unlike last time, however, she actually remembered to politely offer her unexpected guest a drink, which he declined. She perched on the edge of her chair, like she might need to hop up at any minute and... do what? Fuck if I know.
"So," Tommy began, looking at Joel... and not looking like he wanted to hurt him or even lecture him. "Did you get all your soul-searchin' done out there?"
"For the most part. I was gonna come an' see you..."
"But you had to see Ellie first," Tommy surmised.
"She's a hell of a lot nicer to look at than you are," Joel teased him.
Ellie waited to Tommy to fire back something snarky about Joel's appearance, but he didn't. It struck her how painful their now-strained relationship must be -- for each of them. They'd had their differences in the past, but they had been getting along pretty well for the past year. And it's all my fault... she felt only a niggling guilt over it, though. Because we didn't DO anything to Tommy -- he's just got a stick up his ass!
Joel sighed. "Look. I know what you wanna hear. You wanna hear me tell you that I... I realized you were right all along. That Ellie would be better off without me. So she can be with someone her own age."
Ugh! "Except I don't want--"
"He knows, Ellie. That's the thing... this is what she wants. What I want. -We want to be together. Simple as that."
"Nothin' simple about it." Tommy frowned at each of them in turn. "We're talkin' about an old man bein' with a child."
"A middle-aged man," Ellie corrected him, "and a young woman. Big difference there!"
"It is simple," Joel continued. "We love each other. Yes, I'm older. In a perfect world, she would be with someone younger. But guess what -- this ain't a perfect world. Not even close. What we have... it don't come along every day. It would be pretty goddamn stupid to throw it away like it's nothin'." He put his hand over Ellie's and gave it a squeeze.
She couldn't help smiling at him. That's so sweet! "I totally agree," she said -- in case there's any doubt?! She'd been expressing that same sentiment all along. It was just... amazing to hear Joel echo her own thoughts to his brother -- and with confidence in his words. In his tone.
Tommy looked at them silently... for a painfully long moment. "I still can't... condone what you're doin'. But-- I reckon it'd be pointless for me to argue with either of you. You're both stubborn as mules." He looked at Ellie. "Sweetheart, all I ever wanted was what's best for you. In the long run."
"I know." She could acknowledge that. "What I don't get is how you can't see that Joel is what's best for me. That we belong together."
"You did belong together, when you came to town last year... I was real happy for the both of you. Happy that Joel got to be a dad again... fillin' that void..."
"Ellie was never a replacement for Sarah," Joel said firmly.
"Of course not. Didn' mean to imply that she was. But I could see the change in you... she fixed somethin' that was broke inside you for a long, long time. You two... clearly loved each other. Without it bein' sexual. ...If what you told me was true, anyhow -- that came later? The sexual part."
"Yes," Joel affirmed. "I truly thought of her like my daughter in the beginnin'."
"All right. What I can't help wonderin' is... why wasn't that enough? What was wrong with the kind of relationship you had?"
Joel sighed. "I used to ask myself things like that. And I wished things hadn't changed... wished Ellie could have a normal life... I felt selfish as all hell. I've done... plenty of shitty things in my lifetime, and I didn't want her to be one of 'em... her'n'me. But we can't go back. We can't just... decide we're gonna be father'n'daughter again. It don't work like that. There was nothin' wrong with the way we were... just..."
"The heart wants what the heart wants?" Tommy supplied.
"That it does. Am I really bein' selfish... when all I'm doin' is givin' her what she wants? Makin' her happy? What good would it do to walk away now?"
"You can't go back," Tommy agreed. "You can't undo what's been done. That don' mean that you have to keep goin' forward... doin' what you're doin'."
"It does, actually," Ellie interjected, careful to keep her voice calm. "It's either that, or... we say goodbye to each other. And there's no fucking way I'm doing that just because you think I'm too young. -You, and people who think like you."
"Which is gonna be a considerable part of the town," Joel added. "I understand that. We don't wanna put you in a tough position."
Tommy leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest. "You don't? Too late, 'cause that's where I'm at."
"I haven't had a chance to talk to Ellie much about this," said Joel, glancing at her, "or... haven't gotten around to it yet, I should say. What I was thinkin' is... if you can live with this -- with us, bein'... together... if you can remember it's about love, not sex..."
Tommy snorted. "It sure didn't look like that from where I was standin' that day."
Ellie felt her face getting warm. She did actually feel kind of sorry for Tommy on that count. "It sucks that you saw what you did. If you were gonna walk in on us, I would've picked a different time -- one where you could see how sweet Joel is to me. How like... loving, or... what's that other word..."
Tommy held up a hand. "I don' need to hear about my brother makin' sweet love to you, thank you."
"But that's what it is!" she replied. "It's love. And that's what I've been missing these last couple months -- the love. Not the sex. I mean, I know you and Maria love me..."
"So do lots of other people here," said Tommy.
"But it's just not the same. When Joel... even just hugs me... I feel like... all warm inside, you know? I don't mean physically... I mean like in my soul. Because I love him so much. And I can feel how much he loves me. There's just nothing else--"
"You could've had that feelin' with him bein' your father, too," Tommy replied.
"You know it ain't the same," Joel put in. "Think about when you started fallin' in love with Maria. Obviously, the feelin' was mutual. Things got romantic. Now think about havin' to go back to the beginnin', after that. Like nothin' ever happened. Both of you still feel the same attraction, but you can't act on it. Again -- there's no goin' back."
Tommy frowned. "Except Maria is a grown woman. We were two consenting adults."
"Well, yay for you," Ellie said crossly. "It didn't happen like that for us. Er -- the consenting part did. And I'm not a little girl."
"Oh but you are," said Tommy. "You are, an' Joel never should've let things get to this point. He should've known better."
"He said no to me at first!" Ellie cried. "Tommy, you don't understand -- I practically threw myself at him -- I'm the one who started it! Not Joel!"
"He don't care about that, Ellie," Joel replied before Tommy could. "Nor should he. It's beside the point. I made the choice. And he's right -- as the adult, I should've known better."
What the fuck?! "Joel--"
"It's true. I did know better, actually. I knew it was wrong. I just didn't care."
Fuck fuck fuuuuuck-- "Oh my God -- but you said you were done thinking it's wrong! Right? Didn't you fucking say that?!"
Joel nodded. "Let me finish. The way I see it now... it was a mistake. That first kiss... there's no goin' back after that." He looked at Tommy. "But you know what else was a mistake? Sarah. And I wouldn't take that mistake back now for anythin' in the world. Sometimes... that's just the way things happen."
Ellie had never thought of it that way. Mostly because she didn't think anything about the nature of their relationship should be classified as 'a mistake.' But she liked the comparison. It did make a certain kind of sense... should Joel not have been a father to Sarah because he'd never intended to have a kid so young? No. He just had to make the best of--
"That's different," said Tommy, dashing her hopes that he would have a breakthrough moment of clarity here. "You have a choice this time. You can still do the right thing."
"He is doing--"
"I got this, Ellie," Joel cut her off, his eyes fixed unwaveringly on Tommy. "I had a choice back then, too. We could've not had the baby. Could've gave it up for adoption. No doubt an adoptive family could've given her a better life than we did. But you know somethin' else? I had no way of knowin' if that's how it would turn out. Whereas I knew if she was with me, she would be loved. Wanted. Cared for."
Tommy sighed. "It still ain't the same--"
"It ain't exactly the same, no. But you do agree that... we can't backpedal on this. I can't just... decide I'm gonna be Ellie's father now. Either we're together, as a couple, or we put lots of space between us... go our separate ways... an' then I'd be just another person in her life that she's loved an' lost. Just another person who taught her... that you'd best not bother with love 'cause all it does is hurt you in the end. I don't call that doin' the right thing. I call it stupid. And unnecessary. I think the time apart did us both some good... but any more time apart is just... it's wasted time, is all it is. I'm here now -- with her. For as long as she wants me around."
Tommy didn't reply to that; Ellie hoped that meant he was mulling things over. I am so proud of Joel right now! Look at him, all sure of himself. Of US. And now he feels the same way I do about time apart just being wasted time... Tommy can just go to hell if he can't accept it!
"I think I got a little side-tracked," Joel continued. "What I was startin' to say before is... I understand you have to think about more than just... me'n'her in a relationship you don't approve of. There's implications for the town. Other people who might demand that somethin' be done."
Fuck-- "Wait -- but I am sixteen now. Which means I'm old enough in lots of places! In the old days, I mean! That should be good enough, right? Especially since there isn't even a law about it anymore!"
"Eighteen is the legal age we've established here," Tommy replied. "As far as bein' considered an adult... bein' able to go Outside unaccompanied..."
Ellie had a surge of inspiration. "And drinking alcohol at parties, right? But people don't really go by that! Lots of teenagers were drinking at Bryan'n'Trin's wedding and no one--"
"That's a little different than a teenager sleepin' with a fifty-year-old man," said Tommy.
"Not really. There's an age, like... suggested? But really it's more of an individual decision type thing, in the end."
"For the booze? Maybe. Goin' Outside alone? ...Possibly, though I can't think of one -- your escape by teleportation don't count."
Ha! She'd forgotten which story she'd fed him. Probably multiple versions. "Whatever. Those... so-called laws or whatever are meant to protect kids. Right? Me and Joel aren't hurting anyone by loving each other."
"He don't see it that way," said Joel. "He thinks I'm sick... an' hurtin' you without you realizin' it. He has every right to feel that way... you shouldn't punish him for it. What I'm suggestin' is... Tommy, if you can look the other way in this instance, I'm willin' to hide it from the world, at least until Ellie turns eighteen -- and I think Ellie is too, seein' as how that's what we've been doin' since we came back from California." He glanced at Ellie for acknowledgment before continuing. "That way, no one gets up in arms, you don't gotta do anythin' about it--"
"Except ignore my conscience, you mean," Tommy interrupted bitterly.
"...Yes. I know it's a lot to ask--"
"Do you? 'Cause I think you can do it reeeeal easy."
An awkward pause here gave Ellie the chance to jump in... but she remained quiet. She didn't want to fill the air with empty words, or... with 'full' words that made perfect sense to her but didn't actually help matters...
"What if she gets pregnant?" Tommy continued.
"She won't. We'll be real careful... maybe look at usin' more reliable birth control, if we can get our hands on it."
The birth control thing was news to Ellie. However, now was not the time to make a case for "whatever happens, happens"... and of course, she understood that a pregnancy would (eventually) make discretion impossible.
Tommy didn't seem completely satisfied with Joel's answer, but he didn't dwell on it. "And what if someone else finds out about you two?"
"They won't!" Ellie promised; she could make Annie swear to secrecy.
"They might," Tommy replied. "You didn't want me to find out, either, but I did, didn't I?"
"Only cuz you barged into our house!"
He quirked an eyebrow at her. "After I heard you yellin'... things I don't care to repeat, at the top of your--"
"I'll be more quiet!" She couldn't help blushing at the memory (again!). Man, that time was so hot... up until it wasn't. "And I should've locked the door first -- I'll totally never forget that again! Joel always locks it -- that was my fault. I distracted him by-- er... I distracted him."
Tommy cringed.
Fuck, we do NOT want him dwelling on that memory! "You could always just... change the law? Right? Didn't laws used to get changed?"
Tommy laughed mirthlessly. "Sure. That would go over real well. Just change things up to suit my own family however I see fit. No input from nobody -- just change it?"
Ellie sighed. "It was just a thought. We can be really discreet, though. Especially Joel. Like, yeah, people might think I have a crush on him, but they can see that he loves me like a dad. Because he does love me that way. He just... also..."
"People are gonna talk, regardless," Joel added. "No matter what we do. It's just human nature."
Tommy snorted. "First week you were here, last year? I had people tellin' me it wasn't right for a teenage girl to live alone with a grown man who she ain't related to. You know what I told them? I said my brother would never do anythin' inappropriate with a young girl. And I believed it, too."
"Because it's true!" Ellie cried, frustrated. "You make him sound like a pervert or something!"
"It's all right, Ellie," Joel said calmly. "Like I said -- he has every right to feel the way he does. We can't change his mind about that. I would say the same thing myself if it was any--"
"But we can show him that it's not bad -- that us, being together -- it's not like he seems to think it is!" Which he should already fucking KNOW because he's SEEN us together!
"Maybe. That ain't up for debate at the moment. Tommy... if you can allow Ellie to keep livin' with me -- which will make it much less likely for someone else to find out, compared to if we were sneakin' around town tryin' to find places to see each other... If you can do that, you can set any other parameters you want. If you don't want to see us together, like how we come over for dinner... if you don't want me around your son..."
The fuck?! Ellie couldn't believe Joel was going there. "Oh my God -- what the fuck does Grayson have to do with anything? You're not a fucking child molester -- Tommy, please tell me you know that!"
"It don' mean that, necessarily," Joel answered before Tommy could say anything. "Just... if he finds my... my moral character, an' whatnot... if that's too lacking..."
"I've got no issue with you bein' around my son," said Tommy, much to Ellie's relief (because fuck, that would be so stupid!). "It's you bein' around her."
Arrgghhhh... what's that saying about a dog with a bone? She was glad Tommy could at least acknowledge that Joel didn't pose any kind of physical or moral threat to his kid. If only he could see that-- ohhhhh I've got it! "Okay listen. I have another idea. I didn't ask Joel about this, but... I think he'd be okay with it. Remember what I said before, about it being about love, not sex? I can prove it to you. Joel never wanted to have sex with me until I was eighteen. I tried and tried and tried to talk him into it and he always said no. Like, for ages. Finally I pretty much forced him to-- shut up, Joel, it's totally true!" She gave him an okay-so-not-really-but-it-just-helps-make-the-argument look. Which was a lot to convey with a look, so she didn't know if she succeeded (and they were a little rusty at this... at the knowing-each-other-by-heart thing), but at least she'd silenced the protest. She turned back to Tommy. "Well... I can't live without Joel. I mean-- yes, literally, I can, like I have been this summer so far... I was totally miserable without him, of course, but yeah.... anyways, if he's living here in town, and I'm living here in town, we have to be together. That's what I mean when I say I can't live without him. There can't be anything separating us -- I just can't allow that. But I can live without... the whole sex part. If that's the... whatchamacallit... the deal breaker? Then--"
Tommy interrupted her with a laugh -- this one stemming at least partly from amusement, it seemed. "How stupid do you think I am?"
"You're not stupid at all! I'm serious!"
"Right. So you're tellin' me... you two are gonna live together, in this house... with the one bed..."
"Yes. Like we did for months, before. Even after we... after things changed... we weren't having sex. Just cuddling and stuff."
"...and stuff?" Tommy echoed.
"You know. Being..."
"Affectionate," Joel supplied.
"Yes! Like, I can't just be his daughter, or his friend... but I can love him without fucking him. Which is all he wanted in the first place! He never wanted to start having sex with me." She shot Joel another look, warning him not to protest that; thankfully, he seemed content to let her paint this picture the way she wanted to. "Tommy, I swear -- and Joel will swear, too. Right, Joel? As long as we're together, the sex doesn't matter."
Tommy chuckled. "Oh, I have no doubt y'all can swear to it. Joel here -- he can look me in the eye an' swear nothin's goin' on, an' not mean a word of it. He's done it a few times already. I don't see how this time would be any different. As for you... I think you might actually mean it. Maybe your intentions are good. But then when it comes down to it, eventually you won't be able to keep your word. Then we'll be back to square one, with both of you lyin' to me again."
"No, it wouldn't be like that!" Ellie cried, desperate to make him believe her. "I really do--"
Tommy held up his hand again. "What's the alternative? If you have to be together, like you say... would you keep livin' with Maria'n'me? You'n'Joel in separate rooms?"
No! FUCK THAT! But Ellie waited for Joel to answer this one. If he agreed to do that, she would go along with it...
Joel didn't even look at her for a cue as to how to answer. "We can't live with you. Not... given the way you feel about... our relationship. So, the alternative is we leave town. I really don't want to do that... for lots of reasons. But we can make it out there. We've done it before, we can do it again."
Tommy absorbed that for a moment, then looked at her. "You agree, I take it?"
Ellie nodded. "I would rather be with him, wherever he is, than live here without him. So yeah... and if you try to separate us, you already know that won't work. If you truly care about my safety, you'll let us stay here together." If a guilt trip was what it took to convince him, she'd fucking give him a guilt trip!
An uncomfortable silence settled over them. Ellie could see the wheels spinning in Tommy's head... she just couldn't tell what answer they were spinning toward. Should I keep talking? I could totally come up with more reasons he should let us stay... she looked at Joel, and he gave her a small smile. Squeezed her hand. She wanted to hug him so bad right now... but it wasn't the time for that. And just that little smile and squeeze... the look in his eye... she had all the reassurance she needed. We're going to be okay. No matter what.
"I'm gonna have to talk to Maria," Tommy said finally. "She wanted to come, but..."
"Of course," Joel replied.
After all that... we still don't know? "Okay but can you tell us what you've decided on so far?" she had to ask. "Or... we could go to your house and talk to her? All of us together?"
Tommy shook his head. "She's puttin' Grayson down for the night, an' she'll be ready to go herself right after. Tomorrow would be better."
"Okay -- tomorrow. So... what are you thinking?" she asked again.
"I'm thinkin'... I don't like this," Tommy said sourly. "I am not okay with it. Be that as it may... you two are so goddamn determined to be together, regardless of where you're at. And I think I'd rather have you here than... not. I've thought about this -- ever since you left, Joel, I've had it in the back of my mind... what do I do if he comes back an' they still wanna be together? Turnin' you out... it wouldn't accomplish a damn thing. Would I sleep better at night, knowin' I took a stand an' stuck to my guns? I doubt it... 'cause all of that would be offset by havin' to worry about you two, out there. Out there... in danger... when you don't have to be. That's what I'm thinkin'. I'm thinkin'... you win."
Ellie hadn't even realized she'd been holding her breath until she let it out, a big grin tugging at her face but not quite daring to emerge. "Really? You mean it? We can stay?"
"Like I said, I need to discuss it with Maria, but she knows how I feel -- what I just told you. We've talked about it some. She was kinda holdin' out hope that you'd be fine with separate bedrooms, in our house. But that don't seem to be in the cards, so... yes. As far as I'm concerned, you can stay. Just... be discreet. Don't rub our faces in it, or shout it from the rooftops--"
"Thank you, Tommy!" Ellie launched herself off her chair and practically over the table to give Tommy a fierce hug. "Thank you thank you thank you! You won't be sorry! We'll be so discreet that it burns! I'll babysit any time you guys want! And I'll come over all the time and help out with stuff still -- more than I did before cuz now I'm happy again!"
Tommy hugged her back, chuckling. "All right, all right... calm down..."
"Thank you, baby brother. I really appreciate this."
We're safe! There was no way Maria would be the one to kick them out; regardless of how she felt about Joel, Ellie felt confident that Maria loved her too much to banish them. Ellie pulled back and stood in front of Tommy awkwardly. "Seriously... thank you. I'm sorry I've been such a bitch to you. I was just... upset about Joel being gone and everything..."
"I know, honey. I understand. Apology accepted. We've loved havin' you around the house. You can come by any time." Tommy glanced at Joel. "Both of you. The door's always open."
Ellie smiled. "Unlocked, you mean. You don't have a screen door so if you leave it open then all the flies and mosquitoes get in."
Joel and Tommy both chuckled at that, although Ellie hadn't even said anything particularly funny. "Are you guys gonna start ganging up on me again?" she complained good-naturedly.
"You bet your ass we are," Joel smirked.
"Fine," she huffed, grinning slyly at Tommy. "As long as you keep telling me embarrassing Joel stories from when you guys were young, it's all good."
"He's run out of those by now," said Joel.
"You wish!" Ellie and Tommy said at the same time.
It was so nice to laugh with them again! Just when she thought her heart couldn't possibly swell up any bigger, she felt a surge of love for Tommy. Even though I've been so awful to him, he still loves me... if he didn't, he would've just kicked them out and not looked back rather than suffer the discomfort of living with what he (so wrongly) perceived as some kind of gross perversion. And really, his whole issue with her and Joel stemmed from his love for her. She would never understand how he couldn't just fucking see how much they cared about each other... how good and beneficial and consensual it was. For whatever reason, he was blind to it, and it was obviously difficult for him to concede here... but he did it anyway. She had a new appreciation for him, and she could tell Joel did, too.
The conversation that followed was much more pleasant. Since Ellie had the farm in the morning, it was decided that Joel would go to the house then... to talk to Maria (which Ellie knew was just a formality), and talk about work schedules (more proof that the Maria thing was just a formality, because otherwise, why would Tommy even bring that up?). They eventually said good night to Tommy... made sure to lock the fucking door behind him...
...and then Ellie turned to Joel, beaming. "Did that really just happen?" And we're finally alone again!
He engulfed her in his arms and kissed her sweetly. "I believe it did, yes. Though I'd hardly call that a ringin' endorsement."
"I don't care what kind of sound it makes -- we're together!" she cried, kissing him excitedly. Her lips parted to receive his tongue. Fuck YEAH, I've missed these tinglies-down-to-my-toes kisses... but-- "Shit -- did we actually swear off sex? We didn't, right? Like, that wasn't a condition of us staying or anything..."
"Mm... you kinda did, yeah. But I sure as hell didn't," he said -- with the most delightfully evil twinkle in his eye!
"Oh! Thank God. What was I thinking?" she giggled.
"You were thinkin'... that you'll do whatever it takes to get what you want. The end always justifies the means."
She cringed inwardly, wondering if he was referring to her Big Lie...
"Or," he continued, "did Tommy have the right of it? Did you actually mean it?"
So he DOESN'T think I'm nothing but a big fat liar after all! The truth was... Ellie had blurted it out without thinking about anything other than winning Tommy over. Not unlike what she'd done with Joel that horrible day. Like... she was willing to swear to anything she had to, but she would decide later if she actually intended to stand by her words or not. Which was certainly not an honorable thing to do. She didn't want to be the sort of person who did that. But... I guess I am? Whatever -- no harm in letting Joel think the best of me, is there? She smiled. "I did mean it. All I want is to be with you -- here, where we're safe and have a nice soft bed... and hot showers... cold milk... beef stew, and bread -- and everything else that I love about Jackson. Our friends... family... stuff to do besides figuring out where our next meal is coming from. And staying at Tommy and Maria's... with you there too, I mean... it would just be torture if I can't touch you... and kiss you..." She kissed him to punctuate that. "To be close to you. In every way possible."
He nuzzled her cheek... started walking them backwards toward the bedroom... "Ain't that what sex is? The closest way possible?"
"Yes... but I remember I was really, really happy being with you, before we did any of that sex stuff. Like... I don't need your dick inside me to feel loved. You know?"
He had already managed to undo her shorts, nearly making her trip as they fell to her ankles. He grazed his hand over the exposed silky fabric of her pajamas. "Sure. And you... wouldn't've felt at all tempted by... anythin' I might do..."
"Nope!" she giggled, delighted at his naughty tone as well as his wandering hands. "I would've said 'sorry, Joel, we're not allowed'..."
"Then Tommy did have the right of it: good intentions... ultimate failure."
I love that wicked smile he has! "Hey, how do you know I would fail? It would be fun teasing you. I used to do it all the time!"
"Except you'd also be teasin' yourself, this time. That's somethin' that you... you don't suffer it gladly."
"Maybe I wouldn't have to! Maybe you'd finally get your wish -- I could just touch myself while you do nothing but sit there and-- Eeeek!" she shrieked when he suddenly threw her down on the bed.
He climbed on top of her, smirking. "I never said I'd do nothin' but sit there."
She settled herself beneath him comfortably... legs coiled around his waist, arms around his neck... he's finally HOME. It just hit her again, like it had at random times over the past few hours. She shifted an arm down to his back so she could hug his lower half even closer to hers. "Guess you're not too tired from the road after all, huh? Or..." She snaked a hand around to his fly.
"No, you're right... he's gettin' there. He missed you."
"I missed him, too! Almost as much as I missed you."
"Is that right? I think he mighta... taken offense, when you said you didn' need him inside you, just now..."
She giggled. "It was a lie! All lies! I neeeeeed you inside me!"
His wicked smile softened into a more adoring one. "I missed you, too. I missed this. Just... bein' close. Hearin' you giggle like that. The two of us together... just enjoyin' each other."
Aww! "We're going to enjoy the fuck out of each other every day from now on."
"Hell yes we are. Especially since now we don't have to wonder where our next meal is comin' from, like you said."
"Well... we still do... there's like zero food in this house." What little she'd left behind two months ago, she had since consumed over the course of her 'escape' visits to the house -- after guitar sessions, mainly.
"You're right. Big decision tomorrow night. Do we eat at Tommy an' Maria's? The farm? Here, if we go to the store?"
"Huge decision, yes! I say... why don't we go to the store, after I'm done with work... get some of the basic stuff... what did you call that? The basics?"
"Staples."
"Staples! Yeah -- so we have the option to eat here. But if Tommy or Maria like... specifically invite us for dinner, that's a good thing, so we should go there."
"Good call, boss."
Ha! She still loved it when he called her that. "I'm very smart," she informed him.
"You are," he agreed.
The bedroom was pretty dark now, with just the light spilling in from the hall, but Ellie could make out Joel's expression well enough to know that he'd gotten serious all of a sudden. "Joel... if you wanna talk, or like... go slow? It's cool. Whatever you need."
He kissed her softly. "Know what I really wanna do right now?"
"What? Name it and we'll do it!"
He shifted his lips over to her neck. "I just wanna make love to you. All night. Nice'n'slow."
Yes! He already had her shivering and quivering and aching for more... but in such a pleasant way that she wouldn't mind if it lasted all night. And it reminded her-- "That sounds amazing... and remember how when we were first... like this... you said you had to kiss all my freckles? Plus all the spaces in between them? I wanna do that to you."
Joel chuckled. "I don't got nearly as many--"
"So, it's more spaces, then -- same thing!" She worked his shirt up...
...and he obligingly lifted his arms to remove it altogether, then started unbuttoning her shirt (or, rather, another shirt of his -- the one she happened to be wearing!). "Mmm... maybe another time. I don't think I have the patience for that right now."
"But you just said--"
"I know what I said." His lips grazed her cleavage. "But if I let you do that..."
She giggle-groaned. "I'll skip certain places if you want. Jeez!"
"Thank you -- but I was thinkin' more like... if I let you do that, it means I can't kiss you, that whole time. Like this. Can't feel how soft you are... can't taste you..."
Ellie couldn't help thinking naughty thoughts at that last part, although she felt like Joel meant it innocently in this instance. Mmmm YES... she arched her back when he nudged her pajama top aside to plant his mouth over her nipple. "Uhhh... I mean... you still could... like, after..." His hand was slowly running up and down her leg (she was so glad she'd shaved them earlier!), lingering in her groin area teasingly before repeating the motion... I'm going to melt right into this bed if he keeps this up!
He lapped and sucked at her nipple another moment before replying. "You had a good point before, though... 'bout how I should consider what you want, more often... so if you want me to stop doin' what I'm doin'..."
"Don't you dare!" she breathed. "Don't stop."
He kissed back over to the middle (and Ellie knew he was going to repeat his ministrations with her other breast). "Yes, ma'am... I reckon I have to relearn you first."
"What? Ha -- it hasn't been that long..."
"Yes it has. You mighta grew some new freckles by now."
She couldn't help giggling at that one. "Well, you might wanna turn on the light, then, cuz it's too dark to even see them."
He circled her nipple with his tongue. "I can see you jus' fine this way. Besides, I look better in the dark."
Oh man... "Joel -- seriously -- if this is about your ear--"
"No, I've always looked better in the dark."
"Ugh -- okay -- come up here for a second!" She tugged him upwards, and he immediately captured her mouth in a kiss.
She giggled but sobered quickly. "Just -- I love you."
"I know."
"And I don't care about your stupid ear!"
"I know that, too."
"Or anything else about how you look -- trust me, it is the last thing I think about when I'm with you. Especially like this."
"All right." He tried to kiss her again.
"I feel like you don't believe me, though!" she protested. "And it's not just cuz I love you -- I mean I'm super attracted to you -- which means you're fucking hot, okay? I can't stand you thinking that just cuz you're not super young... I mean, it would be weird if you were, actually! I think I'd be all grossed out if you were young and like... just, eww. Cuz it wouldn't be you!"
"Calm down," he chuckled. "I meant it more like... what we've discussed before. Dudes are gross, girls are pretty. I'm fine with you bein' the pretty one. More than fine with it."
"Okay, but... just so you know. You're not gross to me, and... the only reason I'd avoid your ear right now is cuz it's healing, and probably doesn't need my spit all over that area. Ha -- not to be gross or anything!" She let him kiss her this time.
"You're cute. And thank you for that. ...Maybe I'll grow my hair out a little so it don't look quite so bad."
She couldn't imagine that not annoying him, though. She ran her hands through his hair, pausing over his scalp to massage it. "Hey, maybe you can start a new style -- long on that side, short on the other?"
"Oh yes, that sounds like it would make me look much better. ...I like what you're doin' up there, though..."
She sighed happily. "This is what I've missed. Just making you feel good... you making me feel good... no sex required."
"Me, too." He nuzzled her cheek and let his hand fall to rest... riiiiiiiiight where her groin met her inner thigh.
Ellie tried not to let that hand distract her from what she wanted to tell him. "I love being able to talk to you again... and kiss and cuddle and stuff... I just love how we are. You know? Like this. Finally together... right where we wanna be... no space between us." That space -- the separation -- had already become imbued with a strange surreality in Ellie's mind... we are NEVER going back to that. NO WAY.
"Mm." His thumb traced her pantyline teasingly while his lips caressed her neck.
Ooooo... "But, um... if you feel like you have to relearn me... and, you know -- taste me and all that..."
She could feel him grinning. "That'd be all right with you?"
"Totally all right with me."
EPILOGUE
"Joel, I'm fine -- really!"
"Just humor me then. Sit here for a--"
"But I'm gonna be late!"
"So be it. They'll live."
"Ugh-- Joel, seriously--"
"Seriously -- they'll live. Drink your water."
Ellie could see there was no arguing with him. She dutifully drank from the glass he had fetched for her, willing her body to quit being weird -- to quit making him worry for no reason. "They'll live, sure, but some of the kids will cry if I don't show up. Maybe it seems dumb, but the little ones -- they look forward to it, you know? I can't just--"
"I ain't tryin' to tell you not to go. Just... wait until the color returns to your face first? And let me walk you over there. Just in case."
She rolled her eyes. "Yes, Doctor Joel. It's probably growing pains. Maybe I'm finally getting taller!"
"Mm. I think you're a little old for that, but... maybe."
She had mostly been joking anyway; the dizziness was most likely a result of standing up too fast, same as last time. It just sucked that Joel happened to witness it, because he had proceeded to turn it into a big thing.
He continued to study her with concern. "I wish you would eat somethin'. You can't do all that farm work an' go horseback ridin' on... practically nothin', it sounds like."
"I told you -- I ate plenty."
"Just not for lunch."
She had been waking up early this week for some reason. Early enough to make it to the farm in time for breakfast, leaving Joel to sleep in for another hour or two (even though he'd been back Inside for a while now, Ellie figured he was still making up for lost sleep). So it wasn't like she hadn't eaten all day -- and she'd had a healthy serving of eggs and bacon, not just a little oatmeal or toast. I probably should've just lied and told him I ate a big lunch... she honestly hadn't felt hungry at lunchtime. Still didn't feel hungry. But she took another sip of water, just to humor Joel. You can't be annoyed with him for CARING, she reminded herself.
In the weeks that had followed Joel's return to Jackson, Ellie and Joel had settled back into a routine pretty similar to their old one. It was almost like those two-plus-months apart had never happened.
...Almost.
It wasn't that Ellie didn't trust Joel not to leave again. He seemed to expect her not to trust him, but he was wrong! She believed that he had no intention of leaving her. But that was the thing: intentions didn't always matter. The world didn't give a shit about what you wanted to happen. And now that Ellie had had a taste of life without Joel...
Except she also hadn't. Not yet. The whole time they were apart, Joel had been out there, going about his days, thinking of her... loving her... looking forward to being with her again. (Granted, she hadn't realized it at the time, but it was true all the same.) He had been out there, scratching his side if it itched... pissing in the bushes when he had to go... laying his head down when it was time to sleep. Just normal everyday human things that people did when they were alive. -Oh, plus robbing fucking trains! Ellie would have loved to have seen that! She knew it was dangerous as fuck, but it sounded awesome, the way Joel described it. Anyway... it wasn't exactly a revelation to her that Joel would most likely di-- NO -- not THAT word -- he'll GO SIX FEET UNDER -- before she did. She knew she had to just... not dwell on it. That's easier said than done sometimes!
Ellie knew she could physically live without him. She did not need Joel to put air in her lungs or food in her belly, after all. She didn't even need him to give her life purpose -- the town did that. And when she couldn't find solace in her work or the other people around her that she loved, there was the guitar. Maybe... maybe even the ocean again, someday. Life offered various means of coping, as long as she could muster the strength to seek them out. Time did have a way of dulling even the sharpest of pains. She knew all this. And yet... somehow, the thought of living in the world without Joel had become even more completely unbearable than it ever had been.
Joel could preach all he wanted about how they were two separate people, but it didn't feel that way to Ellie. Now more than ever, she was convinced that Joel was an extension of herself. ...Or I'm an extension of him? Cuz he's older? Whatever-- It wasn't that she couldn't tolerate being apart from him for a few hours during the course of a regular day. 'Tolerate' wasn't even the right word -- she was fine with it. She was happy again, so she enjoyed things again. Even if those things didn't involve Joel.
But whenever there was any space between them -- even when she knew where he was and when she would see him next -- there was just this tiny morsel of fear lodged in her soul. Fear of the unknown. Fear that anything can happen. Fear that so much of what went on in the world was outside of her very small realm of control.
And Joel... he got it. He understood. When he gently kissed her tears away after they made love for the first time since his return, and the only explanation she could offer was "I love you soooo much"... he knew that she was trying to say so much more. Even when it happened again, and she managed to convey her feelings slightly more coherently, she didn't have to say much at all before he was finishing the thoughts for her. Because he felt the exact same way -- there was always a part of him that felt uneasy when they weren't together. Maybe it was paranoia... maybe the anxiety would ease up with the passage of time... but more and more, Ellie felt like it was just the way things were. It wasn't just because they loved each other. She loved Tommy and Maria, and Grayson... and Annie... Esther... Clicker (even if she was keeping her distance)... Spirit... Max -- and even people she wasn't that close to, she felt love for at times! If she were to spend any amount of time thinking about losing them, it would upset her. But she didn't feel unwarranted concern for them if she wasn't in the same room as them. She didn't feel like a part of her would be missing forever if they were to disappear from the Earth.
So she really couldn't fault Joel for... being concerned, when she had actually given him a physical reason to be. Still, she didn't want to keep the kids at the library waiting! "I promise you, I feel fine now," she assured him. "Do I look okay to you? Can I go? You can walk me over there and sit in the audience to stare at me the whole time if it would make you feel better. Okay?"
He smiled. "I might take you up on that. But... in a minute. I wanted to ask you somethin'."
"Okay -- one minute." She waited expectantly... and he just looked at her. She finished her glass of water and set it on the coffee table (which still had not ever had coffee served on it)... and he still didn't ask her anything. "Soooooo... what did you want to ask me?"
"Your color seems to be back. That's good."
"...That's not a question." But she was glad to hear she looked normal again!
"Right. Just... you really should've gotten your period by now... I assume you still haven't, today... since you haven't said anythin' about it..."
Ellie squirmed. "Um... maybe we're remembering it wrong? Maybe it hasn't been long enough since--"
"That's what you said before, and you said you were gonna check your calendar. Only you keep... forgettin' to check it. Is that right?"
"Yeah... sorry... I still haven't checked." She hadn't exactly forgotten, just... she was scared to look? Things were going so well for them now -- there hadn't been any rocks thrown through their window or nasty rumors flying around town (at least, not that Ellie was aware of!)... Tommy and Maria had more or less quietly accepted their relationship. She and Joel were together and happy as fuck, and Ellie was perfectly fine with waiting until she was eighteen -- or even older -- to start making babies with him.
"Why don't you check right now before you--"
"I don't have time! I'm already late! Since you're making me sit here--"
"Ellie, it would only take a second an' you know it. I think you just... you know it's been too long. You don't wanna confirm it."
She sighed. "Can we talk about this later? You said it yourself -- I look fine now. I get dizzy sometimes. Like, barely ever -- it's been months since the last time. Everyone gets dizzy once in a while. And we already know that last time, it didn't mean anything, so--"
"Maybe it didn't last time, no, but we ain't talkin' about bein' dizzy now: we're talkin' about the Red River. Which could mean somethin.' "
"But it won't! We've been careful. We barely even have sex anymore!"
Joel arched an eyebrow at that. "Uh... since when does almost daily amount to barely even?"
"I mean-- yeah, we have it sometimes, but... we're careful." She couldn't think of any close calls they'd had lately. And she had noticed Joel was even more careful than before when it came to multiple rounds. Like... it wasn't even that he would go wash himself off in between. Now he thought it would be best if they both did, in case there was any... lingering jizz, basically. He wouldn't even offer to use his fingers otherwise. If it was late at night and they were already cozy in bed, they usually just decided to forgo Round Two, opting to remain cozy rather than go get all cleaned up. So it really didn't make sense for her to be pregnant!
But she was still scared to check her calendar. Because she knew she wasn't usually this late -- especially when she was Inside, on a regular eating and sleeping schedule and not all stressed out, generally-speaking. And she had been feeling a little... off, maybe? The waking up early... the not being hungry, sometimes... but I don't feel SICK.
"I can check it for you," Joel offered. "It's the one you keep in your bag, right? I'll just--"
"You know I don't like you going through my stuff," Ellie groaned. "Fine -- I'll check it. If I'm allowed to get off this couch now?"
"You're allowed. Just take it slow."
Ellie resisted the urge to roll her eyes at him again. "Okay, one sec..."
It was actually more like twenty seconds -- aaaaaand, date verified. Fuck...
She could see the hope drain from Joel's face the moment he read the expression on hers. "Well?" he prompted her.
"Okay so... it's possible I marked the day wrong last time..."
"But if you didn't? How many days late are you?"
She cringed. "Sixteen." Ellie flopped back down on the couch next to Joel; she didn't know what number he'd been expecting or hoping for, but she knew this one was bad. "So, now what?"
"So... now you go see the kids and... try not to worry about it."
She gave him a Look.
"I'm serious. There's nothin' you can do about it right now. Maybe we oughta take you to the clinic. See if you have low blood sugar, or if you're anemic or somethin'--"
"What? Fuck that! You really want them drawing my blood and doing tests on it and stuff? Didn't we already decide that's a bad idea?!"
"...Right. Maybe... we just make sure you eat better. Just in case."
"Just in case I'm pregnant?" There -- she said it!
"Because you had another dizzy spell. But... that too." Joel frowned. "Before... when you told me you were... you said Maria had tests in her bathroom. Did you just... was that true? Or not?"
"Yes! She does! Want me to steal one? I know where they are! Unless she's used them all up -- God, I hope she hasn't -- she'd prob'ly get more though, right? I know she and Tommy wanna have more kids so it seems like she might wanna keep some around. I'll go over there right now! I can just offer to change Grayson's diaper next time he needs it and--"
"Whoa-- no, I wasn't thinkin' right this second. Maybe just... next time we're over there, yeah?"
"Oh. Right. Yeah, okay." But Ellie was suddenly consumed with the desire to know right this second!
Joel seemed to realize this, and he was clearly amused by it. "A minute ago you didn't even wanna check your calendar to make sure we weren't just figurin' it wrong. Now you--"
"I know, okay? Just-- don't you wanna fucking know? One way or the other. Like... how am I even gonna be able to think about anything else?!"
"Easy. You go to the library, you pick up a book, and you start readin' to all those eager little faces."
Ellie groaned. "But the whole time I'm gonna be wondering! I mean... I can't be. Right? We've been super careful!"
"I feel like we have, yes. So, most likely, you ain't. You're just late. It happens." He tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear -- a touch that made her shiver, even though she didn't think he intended it to. "But right now, you're gonna be late for storytime if we don't start headin' over there. You ready?"
She had to laugh. "How can you be so calm right now? I just told you I'm sixteen days late. Which is... way outside my usual window of lateness."
"It still don't mean you're pregnant. But... if you are, we'll handle it. Together. I promise you... everything will be okay. Either way. You need to know that. ...All right?"
She didn't know how he could say that when obviously it very much wouldn't be okay if she got pregnant prior to turning eighteen. FUCK... I was finally cool with NOT being disappointed about not being pregnant... and now this?! I'm already kinda starting to hope that I AM... except UGH, no I'm NOT... I'M NOT I'M NOT I'M NOT! Not hoping -- and not pregnant. Big NOPE to both.
"Ellie?" Joel was waiting for her to acknowledge his reassurances.
She looked at him -- at this man who loved her more than anyone ever had in her entire life... a man who had done nothing but prove that to her since he'd returned -- and she knew he was right. Everything would be fine, as long as they were together. I believe him! She gave him a little smile. "Okay."
~
Author's Note: Okay, I know what you're thinking... (well, some of you)... you're shaking your first at me and screaming HOW CAN YOU END IT WITH A FREAKING CLIFFHANGER LIKE THAT?!?! But it's not meant to be a cliffhanger. It's just open-ended! The "is she or isn't she" thing was a recurring theme in this story that I couldn't resist playing with one last time. Since I don't have any plans to do a Part 4 of this series, I will leave it up to YOU to decide for yourself. (I did want to leave myself enough leeway to potentially pick it up from here someday and not have too much difficulty steering things in another direction if needed, but yeah, no immediate plans.) A big thank you to everyone who stuck with this story 'til the end. I hope you enjoyed it even half as much as I enjoyed writing it ♥