Day 355: Voice's Challenge
Who are you, and what's the colour of your soul?
You know, the first part of that question... a year ago, maybe two, I would have hated it. Probably because I didn't know, and finding that knowledge was the one thing that made it worth pretending to exist, pretending to be. To put it into general terms, it's one thing to wear an identity and not have any idea what to do with it, and another to not have an identity but want so much to know what you're meant to do -- that is, what you're really meant to do. I followed orders before I learned how to think for myself, and I probably had it easy that way; kill this, lock that, and don't ask questions.
Don't ask questions.
I stopped asking after a while, when I realized I wasn't getting answers, and instead of waiting around for someone to give them to me, I went after them myself. I found the answer eventually. I wasn't meant to do anything. I wasn't allowed to be happy or angry or sad. I wasn't allowed to make my own choices, or to have real friends or family, or to love, or to hate, or hold on to anything that gave off the impression that I might have been a human being. Human beings, after all, have hearts.
Put simply, I wasn't anyone at all, and any idea I'd had of having a reason in existence wasn't much more than something I'd made up myself to have something to move forward and closer to. At least, that was the only thing I could make sense of, if everything they had said about me was true.
Sitting in the back of your Other's mind without anything else to do tends to give you a lot of time to think. And that was lucky for me (in a way), because it took me a while before I could realize that maybe it wasn't the truth. I'd been used as little more than a puppet by the Organization, and everything else I had thought to be true -- Twilight Town, Hayner, Pence, Olette, my family, school, everything -- turned out to be little more than a trick I'd easily fallen for, but in the end, it was up to me to decide if I wanted to just take that as it was, or take that and change it. I chose to change it. I stopped wondering why I wasn't and never have been someone, and I chose to become someone instead.
And right now, there isn't a single being in any world and any universe who could get me to believe that I don't deserve to exist.
So, who am I, and what's the colour of my soul?
I'm Roxas. And my soul is white.
You know, the first part of that question... a year ago, maybe two, I would have hated it. Probably because I didn't know, and finding that knowledge was the one thing that made it worth pretending to exist, pretending to be. To put it into general terms, it's one thing to wear an identity and not have any idea what to do with it, and another to not have an identity but want so much to know what you're meant to do -- that is, what you're really meant to do. I followed orders before I learned how to think for myself, and I probably had it easy that way; kill this, lock that, and don't ask questions.
Don't ask questions.
I stopped asking after a while, when I realized I wasn't getting answers, and instead of waiting around for someone to give them to me, I went after them myself. I found the answer eventually. I wasn't meant to do anything. I wasn't allowed to be happy or angry or sad. I wasn't allowed to make my own choices, or to have real friends or family, or to love, or to hate, or hold on to anything that gave off the impression that I might have been a human being. Human beings, after all, have hearts.
Put simply, I wasn't anyone at all, and any idea I'd had of having a reason in existence wasn't much more than something I'd made up myself to have something to move forward and closer to. At least, that was the only thing I could make sense of, if everything they had said about me was true.
Sitting in the back of your Other's mind without anything else to do tends to give you a lot of time to think. And that was lucky for me (in a way), because it took me a while before I could realize that maybe it wasn't the truth. I'd been used as little more than a puppet by the Organization, and everything else I had thought to be true -- Twilight Town, Hayner, Pence, Olette, my family, school, everything -- turned out to be little more than a trick I'd easily fallen for, but in the end, it was up to me to decide if I wanted to just take that as it was, or take that and change it. I chose to change it. I stopped wondering why I wasn't and never have been someone, and I chose to become someone instead.
And right now, there isn't a single being in any world and any universe who could get me to believe that I don't deserve to exist.
So, who am I, and what's the colour of my soul?
I'm Roxas. And my soul is white.