I Need Help
I need help. I know that I need help. I'm not living what anyone would consider to be a healthy life. I've cut myself off from people socially both intentionally and unintentionally, and it feels as if there's no logical structure to the way that I think and few sporadic moral judgements. And I can't focus on anything longer than a few moments. It scares me what's going through my head sometimes, and I'm worried. On a side note, I'm tired of being worried and then worried about being worried.
I promised myself that I would start seeing my counselor again, but I haven't which is just another instance of me not caring enough about myself to secure my own health. What's worse is that I've spent all of my time by myself since the beginning of the summer which isn't good as I find that my thoughts tend to echo off one another when I don't have anyone to express them to and compound into plain old stress. I was suposed to hang out with Arial on Thursday but I overslept. Hopefully I can catch up with her this next week because I'm pretty sure she's the only person I can hang out with.
Speaking of Arial, lol ... I bought this:
Now before you all start to bitch, I am not a pot-head - I haven't smoked so much as a leaf in like two months. Although it was kind of irresponsible for me to buy given my current financial woes - but that's another story that I'm far too tired to go into.
It should be here on Monday or Tuesday and I plan to stock up on some weed this weekend so that I'm not just staring at it all week - although I have work all week so I don't know if there's anytime that I can smoke since I'm usually a little dazed by the next day. But I definetely need some extra help calming down because I can't get anything done while I'm stressed.
Note to self: finish math placement exam today
After nearly a week-long break that I didn't plan, but didn't refute/fix when I had the chance, I'm going back to work in the box. Unfortunately, I can't recall what time I'm suposed to be there so I think I'll just see if they're opening at 8, and then go dry my clothes and the laundry mat, and if they're not open, get breakfast and chill until 10 or whatever. Maybe I'll catch Little Man or Pirates after work.
Another funny tidbit (it's depressing that I'm writing this with such enthusiasm since no one besides maybe Sara and possibly Rachel Milligan read my entries,) besides two times, everytime I've smoked, I've smoked alone in my basement and haven't gotten caught. Even the time I smoked at Arial's house and came home so fucked up that my memory began to fade in and out of existence and I handed a bum a five dollar bill, my mom didn't notice that I was stoned out of my mind. The most that I've used to cover up the smell was shoe spray and/or a cheap Axe rip-off - which I guess worked. Anyway, I've been "clean" since like April, and today my mom walks in from work and accuses me of smoking weed because there was some strong-smelling bleach in the toilet (to clean it out) and I had some rather foul dirty laundry sitting around in my room (washer and dryer are out of action.) It's even funnier because it was probably minutes after I ordered my pipe.
Side note: This thing is SOLID BRASS, provides for cool smoke, it's small to carry around, and has a "stash compartment" so that you don't have to walk around with baggies of weed - I can literally take it anywhere with me. Plus, the little lid on top slides over to automatically snuff out the bowl so that you don't waste any burning greenery in between hits. Plus I can't roll for shit, so as someone who does plan to smoke every now and then, it's valuable equipment :)
There was this verification deal where I had to call the place I bought it from (1percent.com) to verify my credit card number and age, and the girl who picked up the phone SOUNDED like a stoner which isn't usually what you expect from dialing up a 1-800 number for something involving a credit card.
I have to sign for it when it gets here (probably Tuesday) so that my mom doesn't find out which will be tricky since I'll probably still be on-campus for Orientation. Once it actually ships, I should have a more precise ETA though so I know when to be home.
I promised myself that I would start seeing my counselor again, but I haven't which is just another instance of me not caring enough about myself to secure my own health. What's worse is that I've spent all of my time by myself since the beginning of the summer which isn't good as I find that my thoughts tend to echo off one another when I don't have anyone to express them to and compound into plain old stress. I was suposed to hang out with Arial on Thursday but I overslept. Hopefully I can catch up with her this next week because I'm pretty sure she's the only person I can hang out with.
Speaking of Arial, lol ... I bought this:
Now before you all start to bitch, I am not a pot-head - I haven't smoked so much as a leaf in like two months. Although it was kind of irresponsible for me to buy given my current financial woes - but that's another story that I'm far too tired to go into.
It should be here on Monday or Tuesday and I plan to stock up on some weed this weekend so that I'm not just staring at it all week - although I have work all week so I don't know if there's anytime that I can smoke since I'm usually a little dazed by the next day. But I definetely need some extra help calming down because I can't get anything done while I'm stressed.
Note to self: finish math placement exam today
After nearly a week-long break that I didn't plan, but didn't refute/fix when I had the chance, I'm going back to work in the box. Unfortunately, I can't recall what time I'm suposed to be there so I think I'll just see if they're opening at 8, and then go dry my clothes and the laundry mat, and if they're not open, get breakfast and chill until 10 or whatever. Maybe I'll catch Little Man or Pirates after work.
Another funny tidbit (it's depressing that I'm writing this with such enthusiasm since no one besides maybe Sara and possibly Rachel Milligan read my entries,) besides two times, everytime I've smoked, I've smoked alone in my basement and haven't gotten caught. Even the time I smoked at Arial's house and came home so fucked up that my memory began to fade in and out of existence and I handed a bum a five dollar bill, my mom didn't notice that I was stoned out of my mind. The most that I've used to cover up the smell was shoe spray and/or a cheap Axe rip-off - which I guess worked. Anyway, I've been "clean" since like April, and today my mom walks in from work and accuses me of smoking weed because there was some strong-smelling bleach in the toilet (to clean it out) and I had some rather foul dirty laundry sitting around in my room (washer and dryer are out of action.) It's even funnier because it was probably minutes after I ordered my pipe.
Side note: This thing is SOLID BRASS, provides for cool smoke, it's small to carry around, and has a "stash compartment" so that you don't have to walk around with baggies of weed - I can literally take it anywhere with me. Plus, the little lid on top slides over to automatically snuff out the bowl so that you don't waste any burning greenery in between hits. Plus I can't roll for shit, so as someone who does plan to smoke every now and then, it's valuable equipment :)
There was this verification deal where I had to call the place I bought it from (1percent.com) to verify my credit card number and age, and the girl who picked up the phone SOUNDED like a stoner which isn't usually what you expect from dialing up a 1-800 number for something involving a credit card.
I have to sign for it when it gets here (probably Tuesday) so that my mom doesn't find out which will be tricky since I'll probably still be on-campus for Orientation. Once it actually ships, I should have a more precise ETA though so I know when to be home.