Champagne Wi-i-ishes, Caviar Dre-e-eams
A month and a half until the spring semester ends and I don't have to go through this spirit-crushing routine anymore (SAD! SAD! SAD!). After that, it's three and a half months until the fall semester begins and everything finally turns around for good. Despite the fact that both these measures of time are bound to feel at least twice as long as they really are, it isn't as if I'm going to lose perspective of what I gained by getting through this bullshit. I couldn't if I wanted to. And you know, that stuff? That stuff's all very fine.
Still, I've discovered recently that there is no easy way to finish this chapter of my life.
Granted, for all intents and purposes, I'm in the best possible spot I could have hoped for (despite there being maybe two or three possible spots to begin with, I think it's great). I'm finally going to say goodbye to this town for a while and leave WCSU forever. This is it. This is what I wanted. And in about five months, I'm going to get it. So now, there's just enough time for a five-month last look to make it all the more sweet in the end, and I'm going to take it in, dammit. Problem is, I probably could have gotten a comparably decent last look in a much shorter time, were I given the chance. Other problem is, that's not how it works. Other problem is, fuck.
Like I said, I'm not going to lose perspective of this episode and how it's changed me, which is important. That still doesn't change circumstances as they are. If waiting for the deciding answer was hell, and moving on in life is salvation (I am so, so sorry for this analogy. Really. Please, don't make fun of me), then I am effectively in limbo for the next few months.
I'm usually okay about waiting, so I guess I'm a little surprised that I would be so pissy about it now. Wait, is that even true? Can I begin to classify the two significant waiting periods of my life (I'm sorry. I'm sorry) in a similar way? Before last February (Jesus, it's been a month), all the questions were about where I was going, whether I would deserve what I got, and how I could be able to pull off living like that for another year (assuming I successfully transferred later on for the following spring semester) if things didn't go as planned. Right now, the only important question is, what the fuck am I supposed to do now that they have? I feel like I've wasted so much of my experience as it is. How can I make the time that's been given to me matter?
Maybe this is not that important, and I want to do it simply for the sake of changing things. Helplessness, after all, is bad. I don't know. I can't fully describe the sensation I used to get before everything changed (nor can I explain why I'm telling you this irrelevant information in the first place), but it felt like I was shackled and weighted down, and sinking into the ground when I walked. You don't have to tell me how melodramatic that description is. I wouldn't be surprised if you thought that about the idea itself. I don't care. Fuck you. The point is that I felt everything pushing me down, and it's all gone now; now I'm just drifting and trying to draw a purpose out of it somehow.
There's no need to go any further with that. You get the idea. Moving on.
In late August of last year, I decided to implement a plan to keep myself emotionally detached from absolutely everything this place could offer. I'm still trying to stick to this plan, but I don't know why. After the first semester began, I figured out pretty fast that I couldn't. Not if I wanted to finish the year sane. I still can't believe that I didn't realize how wrong I was. That's not to say that there was nothing from me but submission to my fledgling social life. Far from it. I just fucked it up, because another thing I didn't realize was that there are some people who don't wait for you to approach them, and that no matter how aloof you make yourself, they're still going to come out of the woodwork and find you. It wouldn't be so bad if a lot of them weren't good people. I would have no good reason to desert the friends I've made if I simply chose to, so it's hard to convince myself that I'm handling this properly. Of course, I could have done more from the start to handle it the way I wanted, but I decided to major in Theatre instead. The one major that would make avoiding people the most difficult (as if I'd have a prayer to do that anywhere else), that's the one I chose. So what? So I'm retarded.
Maybe severing my ties with everything I've become attached to around here is how I make this last little bit matter. I don't have to actively do this, but that doesn't make it any easier. There are people I genuinely like and respect here, and whose friendships I'm more than happy and appreciative to have. None of these people know about my plans next year. It really hurts when one of them talks to me about how s/he is looking forward to doing anything involving me next fall and I don't tell them it won't happen. Every day it gets harder for me to be able to do that. I'm lying to them. They can check my Facebook network (UConn) easily enough and find out for themselves, but I'm still lying to them. It won't really hurt too bad to move on without them, but it's really hard to deal with losing their respect, even if that's what I deserve (and I'm starting to think it is).
Life goes on.
Still, I've discovered recently that there is no easy way to finish this chapter of my life.
Granted, for all intents and purposes, I'm in the best possible spot I could have hoped for (despite there being maybe two or three possible spots to begin with, I think it's great). I'm finally going to say goodbye to this town for a while and leave WCSU forever. This is it. This is what I wanted. And in about five months, I'm going to get it. So now, there's just enough time for a five-month last look to make it all the more sweet in the end, and I'm going to take it in, dammit. Problem is, I probably could have gotten a comparably decent last look in a much shorter time, were I given the chance. Other problem is, that's not how it works. Other problem is, fuck.
Like I said, I'm not going to lose perspective of this episode and how it's changed me, which is important. That still doesn't change circumstances as they are. If waiting for the deciding answer was hell, and moving on in life is salvation (I am so, so sorry for this analogy. Really. Please, don't make fun of me), then I am effectively in limbo for the next few months.
I'm usually okay about waiting, so I guess I'm a little surprised that I would be so pissy about it now. Wait, is that even true? Can I begin to classify the two significant waiting periods of my life (I'm sorry. I'm sorry) in a similar way? Before last February (Jesus, it's been a month), all the questions were about where I was going, whether I would deserve what I got, and how I could be able to pull off living like that for another year (assuming I successfully transferred later on for the following spring semester) if things didn't go as planned. Right now, the only important question is, what the fuck am I supposed to do now that they have? I feel like I've wasted so much of my experience as it is. How can I make the time that's been given to me matter?
Maybe this is not that important, and I want to do it simply for the sake of changing things. Helplessness, after all, is bad. I don't know. I can't fully describe the sensation I used to get before everything changed (nor can I explain why I'm telling you this irrelevant information in the first place), but it felt like I was shackled and weighted down, and sinking into the ground when I walked. You don't have to tell me how melodramatic that description is. I wouldn't be surprised if you thought that about the idea itself. I don't care. Fuck you. The point is that I felt everything pushing me down, and it's all gone now; now I'm just drifting and trying to draw a purpose out of it somehow.
There's no need to go any further with that. You get the idea. Moving on.
In late August of last year, I decided to implement a plan to keep myself emotionally detached from absolutely everything this place could offer. I'm still trying to stick to this plan, but I don't know why. After the first semester began, I figured out pretty fast that I couldn't. Not if I wanted to finish the year sane. I still can't believe that I didn't realize how wrong I was. That's not to say that there was nothing from me but submission to my fledgling social life. Far from it. I just fucked it up, because another thing I didn't realize was that there are some people who don't wait for you to approach them, and that no matter how aloof you make yourself, they're still going to come out of the woodwork and find you. It wouldn't be so bad if a lot of them weren't good people. I would have no good reason to desert the friends I've made if I simply chose to, so it's hard to convince myself that I'm handling this properly. Of course, I could have done more from the start to handle it the way I wanted, but I decided to major in Theatre instead. The one major that would make avoiding people the most difficult (as if I'd have a prayer to do that anywhere else), that's the one I chose. So what? So I'm retarded.
Maybe severing my ties with everything I've become attached to around here is how I make this last little bit matter. I don't have to actively do this, but that doesn't make it any easier. There are people I genuinely like and respect here, and whose friendships I'm more than happy and appreciative to have. None of these people know about my plans next year. It really hurts when one of them talks to me about how s/he is looking forward to doing anything involving me next fall and I don't tell them it won't happen. Every day it gets harder for me to be able to do that. I'm lying to them. They can check my Facebook network (UConn) easily enough and find out for themselves, but I'm still lying to them. It won't really hurt too bad to move on without them, but it's really hard to deal with losing their respect, even if that's what I deserve (and I'm starting to think it is).
Life goes on.