I'm just a big crybaby and a worrywort
so. I like cried a little bit this morning. just a little.
It's not that I'm particurly sad or anything, I just worry a lot. especially when it comes to morgan. Because I'm so goddamned happy when I'm with him, I'm so afraid of somehow screwing up and losing it all. I'm afraid I'm not doing enough. Or I'm doing something wrong. Or I could be doing something better. Or I'm being too clingy. Or I'm being too sensitive. Or I'm being too jealous. Or I'm being a burden. Or I'm too demanding. Or I'm being too paranoid.
And in the end, I am being helluvalot paranoid.
It's just I want to be the perfect, I want to be the best for him. And when I feel like I've messed up or haven't done the right thing, I feel lousy and worthless.
This morning I had called him and he was in a rush to see Ron's dad about buying a car and I suppose I was pestering him about housing stuff (I wanted to know if he 'checked yes' to a "premium halls" question when getting on the waiting list), and he was frustrated and upset with me. And when he's upset, I feel miserable. He says that I didn't do anything wrong, and that he was being grouchy, but still...
After he snapped at me, I hid in the bathroom and cried a little.
That makes me seem kinda crazy. Well, maybe I'm a little nuts, but that's because I'll always be afraid of screwing up.
It's not that I'm particurly sad or anything, I just worry a lot. especially when it comes to morgan. Because I'm so goddamned happy when I'm with him, I'm so afraid of somehow screwing up and losing it all. I'm afraid I'm not doing enough. Or I'm doing something wrong. Or I could be doing something better. Or I'm being too clingy. Or I'm being too sensitive. Or I'm being too jealous. Or I'm being a burden. Or I'm too demanding. Or I'm being too paranoid.
And in the end, I am being helluvalot paranoid.
It's just I want to be the perfect, I want to be the best for him. And when I feel like I've messed up or haven't done the right thing, I feel lousy and worthless.
This morning I had called him and he was in a rush to see Ron's dad about buying a car and I suppose I was pestering him about housing stuff (I wanted to know if he 'checked yes' to a "premium halls" question when getting on the waiting list), and he was frustrated and upset with me. And when he's upset, I feel miserable. He says that I didn't do anything wrong, and that he was being grouchy, but still...
After he snapped at me, I hid in the bathroom and cried a little.
That makes me seem kinda crazy. Well, maybe I'm a little nuts, but that's because I'll always be afraid of screwing up.