(no subject)
haven't heard from bunny boy. i will not call him. if he has any interest, he'll call me. well, maybe i'll call him on my way down to the city if i still haven't heard from him. he said he wanted to chill. NO. no. i will not call him. restraint.
today was remarkably novemberish. i wanted to kill myself. november is the worst month of the fucking year. i hate it. although i prefer november to a certain carole wolf. i know. this is getting old. but imagine what it's like working for her. she wasn't particularly bad to me today, but i hate everything about her. i hate the way she calls my name, i hate the way she smells of moth balls, i hate the way she interrupts people in the middle of important conversation for something totally innane. i hate the way she refuses to give comp time or overtime, despite the fact that i get stuck at the office late all the time, and have event after pointless event, the time for which is never given back to me. i hate the way she manipulates people, guilt trips them, mind fucks them and leaves their carcasses to rot after she's gotten what she wants, and then rationalizes and convinces herself of what an amazing and wonderful person she is. FUCK HER. with a fucking spiked stick. that rips her entrails out through her asshole. fucking cock-sucking, cunt-licking, mothball-smelling bitch.
i don't know if i can make it til i get another job. i mean, i have to, but i hate her more and more every day. the thought of getting up in the morning is hard enough, let alone the thought of slaving for her until i get a job, IF I CAN FIND A JOB. can i find a job? will i get something worthwhile? how many cover letters do i have to write? how long is it going to take? i've been networking like a motherfucker, talking to everyone i know about keeping their eyes out for me. i've been up every night on craigs list and idealist, working on resumes and cover letters. by the grace of all that is holy and good, save me. someone. something. please. soon.
i miss oberlin so so so so so so much, its making me cry. fucking idealist hippies, leaving me with nothing to stand on when i graduated but the pain and shock of the real world, and standards that are too high to fill and will only be disappointed. i WANT to change the world, but i'm pounding my fists and screaming at the top of my lungs and trying to make ends meet but no one hears or notices, and it all feels like it's coming to nothing. what am i struggling for? why did i pay an ABSURD amount of money to be in this position? because it builds character? fuck that.
i miss chrissy and justin. i miss ruth. i miss evan. fucking douchebag. i miss doing something with my time that felt like it meant something. i miss being around people who enhance my best qualities, remind me of the fun and joy and good in the world.
this was not supposed to be an angry upset post. sorry it turned into one. guess i'm feeling even more frustrated and broken than i thought.
today was remarkably novemberish. i wanted to kill myself. november is the worst month of the fucking year. i hate it. although i prefer november to a certain carole wolf. i know. this is getting old. but imagine what it's like working for her. she wasn't particularly bad to me today, but i hate everything about her. i hate the way she calls my name, i hate the way she smells of moth balls, i hate the way she interrupts people in the middle of important conversation for something totally innane. i hate the way she refuses to give comp time or overtime, despite the fact that i get stuck at the office late all the time, and have event after pointless event, the time for which is never given back to me. i hate the way she manipulates people, guilt trips them, mind fucks them and leaves their carcasses to rot after she's gotten what she wants, and then rationalizes and convinces herself of what an amazing and wonderful person she is. FUCK HER. with a fucking spiked stick. that rips her entrails out through her asshole. fucking cock-sucking, cunt-licking, mothball-smelling bitch.
i don't know if i can make it til i get another job. i mean, i have to, but i hate her more and more every day. the thought of getting up in the morning is hard enough, let alone the thought of slaving for her until i get a job, IF I CAN FIND A JOB. can i find a job? will i get something worthwhile? how many cover letters do i have to write? how long is it going to take? i've been networking like a motherfucker, talking to everyone i know about keeping their eyes out for me. i've been up every night on craigs list and idealist, working on resumes and cover letters. by the grace of all that is holy and good, save me. someone. something. please. soon.
i miss oberlin so so so so so so much, its making me cry. fucking idealist hippies, leaving me with nothing to stand on when i graduated but the pain and shock of the real world, and standards that are too high to fill and will only be disappointed. i WANT to change the world, but i'm pounding my fists and screaming at the top of my lungs and trying to make ends meet but no one hears or notices, and it all feels like it's coming to nothing. what am i struggling for? why did i pay an ABSURD amount of money to be in this position? because it builds character? fuck that.
i miss chrissy and justin. i miss ruth. i miss evan. fucking douchebag. i miss doing something with my time that felt like it meant something. i miss being around people who enhance my best qualities, remind me of the fun and joy and good in the world.
this was not supposed to be an angry upset post. sorry it turned into one. guess i'm feeling even more frustrated and broken than i thought.