i feel like a veteran...
fading into an obscure reality smoothly; quickly.
fading out of reality quickly; with some bumps.
what is there to get excited over? my brain has had the most intellectual conversations, has analyzed more in one night than in months combined, and my creative juices flowed out of me freely onto pieces of paper. what was better than laying on the cold wet grass with your 2 favorite people in the world looking up @ the dark smooth sky? what was funner than frolicking amock around an empty, beautiful, fully stocked house?
I have always heard that the day after such an experience was a bit of a downer... it made sense; scientifically. but i always thought i had it beat. i ground my jaw more this morning @ 8 am than i did @ 12pm last night. my stomach sloshed inside of me & my brain sent a seperate message to my mouth. i was numb. i couldnt feel. i wanted to turn ice cold; freeze right there on the swingset so someone could slowly chip it away & hopefully knick my skin so i would finally feel something. i wanted to lay there on that same cold wet grass that felt so good the night before & close my eyes and make the knot in my throat & the empty dark pit in my stomach disappear. my insight that i had gained the previous night was jumbled; made no sense. i felt like i was in a maze. i keep hitting the same wall, & i cant turn around. its a dead end.
that feeling of such love & contentment was taken from me within minutes. I wanted to yell & scream rudely to the same people i had had such loving conversation to just hours before. I wanted to be naked. free of any weight to just lay. to just try & grasp what had happened. so i did. i did what i had to do to fix that feeling. i had control over this. i just needed to do it my way. i needed to mourn & see the other side of the drug. you need to see the greener side of the grass in order to respect that not so green side.
but i meant every word said last night. to the people over the phones; the people i was with. my bond with 2 people has expanded so much from one experience; it can never break. i have had conversations with these people that i never want to take back. it was the best guidence that i have recieved in a long time. walking barefoot in the sand, pacing up & down hallways; exploring & seeing things in my favorite perspective made it well worth it.
I realized on the drive home that I can get over this speed bump. I can be strong & realize "hey, this comes with the territory." you have 3 vials of liquid your body needs to function properly & i drained 2 1/2. the memories that i have made and the great high that i have felt makes it all worth while.
next time it just wont hit me so hard. ill be prepared ;)
fading out of reality quickly; with some bumps.
what is there to get excited over? my brain has had the most intellectual conversations, has analyzed more in one night than in months combined, and my creative juices flowed out of me freely onto pieces of paper. what was better than laying on the cold wet grass with your 2 favorite people in the world looking up @ the dark smooth sky? what was funner than frolicking amock around an empty, beautiful, fully stocked house?
I have always heard that the day after such an experience was a bit of a downer... it made sense; scientifically. but i always thought i had it beat. i ground my jaw more this morning @ 8 am than i did @ 12pm last night. my stomach sloshed inside of me & my brain sent a seperate message to my mouth. i was numb. i couldnt feel. i wanted to turn ice cold; freeze right there on the swingset so someone could slowly chip it away & hopefully knick my skin so i would finally feel something. i wanted to lay there on that same cold wet grass that felt so good the night before & close my eyes and make the knot in my throat & the empty dark pit in my stomach disappear. my insight that i had gained the previous night was jumbled; made no sense. i felt like i was in a maze. i keep hitting the same wall, & i cant turn around. its a dead end.
that feeling of such love & contentment was taken from me within minutes. I wanted to yell & scream rudely to the same people i had had such loving conversation to just hours before. I wanted to be naked. free of any weight to just lay. to just try & grasp what had happened. so i did. i did what i had to do to fix that feeling. i had control over this. i just needed to do it my way. i needed to mourn & see the other side of the drug. you need to see the greener side of the grass in order to respect that not so green side.
but i meant every word said last night. to the people over the phones; the people i was with. my bond with 2 people has expanded so much from one experience; it can never break. i have had conversations with these people that i never want to take back. it was the best guidence that i have recieved in a long time. walking barefoot in the sand, pacing up & down hallways; exploring & seeing things in my favorite perspective made it well worth it.
I realized on the drive home that I can get over this speed bump. I can be strong & realize "hey, this comes with the territory." you have 3 vials of liquid your body needs to function properly & i drained 2 1/2. the memories that i have made and the great high that i have felt makes it all worth while.
next time it just wont hit me so hard. ill be prepared ;)