With My Last Breath
Tittle: With My Last Breath
Author: Luly
Main character(s): Taemin
Other character(s): Jonghyun
Pairing(s): Jongtae
Rating: Romance & Angst
Summary: Taemin opts to use public transportation to meet up with his biggest crush.
Warning(s): Character's death, a bit ocd!taemin, not thoroughly beta'ed.
Disclaimer: The plot is based on the song, so I just took it and elaborated around it and twisted it a bit, but it's still not my idea.
Song(s): La Oreja de Van Gogh; Jueves
Note(s): This happened when I just listened to La Oreja de Van Gogh's song 'Jueves' which is in Spanish, my first language, and I thought it was such a beautiful yet sad song and it inspired me to write this. Pls comment your thoughts ;)
It's a bit late and Taemin needs to run to get on the bus before it leaves him. The buses are supposed to stop by every fifteen minutes but they don't. They never do. So missing this bus would mean being late for work and that was not acceptable.
He sits in his seat. It's not like he has to sit there, but everyone on the bus apparently has made an unsaid settlement where everyone sits in the same place. That's usually broken by a random passenger that its not from the morning regulars. He likes his seat, that's why he chose it. It allows him to sit next to the window and look out, but it also allows him to look forward and not on the side like almost every other seat. It gets him a bit weird to be seated facing the side of the bus forcing him to make eye contact at some point.
He's no antisocial or anything of the sort but he likes his solitude in the morning. It gives him time to think. There's not another seat next to his and he disapproves even though it was one of the reasons why he conveniently chose it.
But the bus is not the only transportation he uses now. He also takes the subway. And there he has another special seat he sits at every time he can. The trains tend to be more crowded and sometime he has to seat somewhere else until the passenger leaves or moves seats and he goes and sits there. It's weird how attached he's got to a simple seat at the bus and the train but is one of his weird behaviors that he lets himself indulge in.
He doesn't usually dress up for work. It's not that he doesn't like his job, he studied accounting because he liked it, but he just grew accustomed to his simple pants and short-sleeves, button shirt. No suit or ties or anything. That was not his thing, or at least it wasn't now.
The bus stopped and the passengers got out in front of the train station leaving the bus nearly empty. He eagerly walked his way into the station and waited in his waiting spot for his train wagon to appear. He checked his watch for the time. It was seven thirty in the morning. He would never know how he always managed to be there, in that same spot at the same hour every working day. The bus was always punctual, or not, depending on what shift he managed to get in, the seven o'clock one or the seven thirty o'clock one, the latter assuring to make him late for work. And if he got on the seven thirty one he would have been standing on that same spot thirty minutes late, maybe pacing or tapping his feet and looking at his watch every few seconds. The buses or the train were actually punctual, even if they never came and went every fifteen minutes as it was supposed to, but they didn't make Taemin be punctual if he wasn't.
He heaved a sigh that turned into a yawn and he stretched unceremoniously, his messenger bag slipping down his arm. He shrugged it back up and smiled as his train came to a stop before him. Right on time, as always. He waits for the passengers to get off before getting in himself, instantly scanning the inside of the wagon to see if his seat was empty. It wasn't and he cursed a bit inside as he made his way to the closest seat available. He sat down reluctantly and a few seconds later the driver announced the usual warning, closed the doors and started off the journey. He looked around and recognized a few faces from the everyday drives. It was silent except for a high-schooler sitting right next to him, a regular passenger he knows, with his headphones blasting heavy metal as usual. He could hear the crazy drum beat and the screaming close to his ear and he wondered how this youngsters lived with those things stuffed into their ears so early in the morning. And so loud. He didn't dare look at the boy and instead he focused his stare at the idiotic moron who chose to steal his seat that morning. He wouldn't have to endure this boy and his loud music if that other guy had seated elsewhere. He was blaming his misfortune on him.
He was some junkie with bored eyes that looked outside the window like he had no option. That was his seat!
He looks away for a while, caught up in the view out the window. It's the same view as every morning but he always enjoys it like its the first time. There are lots of buildings in one side and its visible where the trees start giving way to nature and beyond that the sun making its appearance in the sky. He even has a few pictures he took of it one morning when he nearly teared up looking outside. It was the way the sun reflected on everything that particular morning and he couldn't help himself. That day wasn't a special day like that one, but it was impressive nevertheless. He cursed the fact that he didn't have the whole view because there were passengers blocking part of it and before he knew it the train dived into the ground again. That was the only view in the whole ride. The rest was blackness or the amazing view of grey walls on either side. The day had been going so well until he got into the train. Which brought him back to staring. The guy is asleep and he secretly wants to scream and wake him up in payback. But then people around him would think he's weird.
The train makes the first stop and he feels the urge to wake him up in hopes that the guy gets off the train and off his seat here. But the boy wakes on his own because of the sudden stop, looks up to the sing announcing the stations and closes his eyes again. He groans inwardly. Will he ever have the chance to sit there?
There are some new passengers that came in and he almost missed the reason why he takes the train in the first place.
It's a guy around his own age he judges, with a grey suit and a portfolio on his hands. He looks professional today and it makes him self-conscious of his own dressing code for the first time. He makes a mental note to dress up a little bit tomorrow.
He had noticed him a couple of months ago when he had to take this train, and ever since he waited for him in the same train wagon, in the same seat. Or at least when he could actually sit there. It had been a bit crazy to think that he would run into him again but he hoped, and he did. Every single day since. Always a station apart. The train was so punctual, except when you were thirty minutes late. He wondered if he also took the bus before the train.
He had taken the seat without thinking much about it, and the guy had taken a seat right in front of his. He always sat there, and the guy as well. He couldn't think what made him choose a seat that was backwards to the train's direction, but that didn't matter much. He could accidentally look at him as much as he wanted and not seem weird.
Today was weird because he was at the other side of the wagon so he could look at his taken seat but he had to turn to his left to look at the guy. It was awkward and uncomfortable. This was definitely not the best of days.
Taemin hears a noise, someone talking to his left and he unconsciously looks only to see a girl approaching his guy with a smile. He instinctively frowns and wrinkles his nose in distaste, but listens closely.
"I had been looking at you for a while and I can't quiet tell but I've seen you somewhere." She says and is all Taemin can do to stop himself from screaming, throwing a fit, vomiting and fainting right then and there.
Why is it so easy for her to do that? Why hasn't he done that already? The fact of the possibility he might have had countless of times makes his breathing become a little labored. But he can't. He can't just walk up to him and say something like that. He's not handsome, particularly smart or special in any way either. In truth, he isn't confident enough to do that.
He makes as if he's looking out the window next to his seat across from him and to his left and steals a quick glance at him.
The guy is smiling at the girl and his heart skips a beat. That smile. He feels his cheeks coloring and he looks to his right to hide it. He finds himself staring right at the high-schooler's neck and quickly looks forward.
"I think I've seen you too." He could hear the frown in his voice. The girl gasped suddenly and he looked at them using that as an excuse. He had wide eyes and she was... Blushing? Oh fuck no!
"You are the bassist of ZION! Aren't you?" She exclaimed and Taemin opened his eyes wide, not able to control his expression. So he plays an instrument! It just ads excitement to his train-station crush.
"Ah, yeah." Is all he says and Taemin could hear him talk all day.
"You're... Jonghyun, right? Did I get it right?" She says eagerly. She sounded like a fan and it made Taemin feel nauseous.
"Yeah, you got it right." Jonghyun chuckles a bit and Taemin has to fight the urge to look at him again.
"What happened to ZION? I liked your music a lot." Taemin thinks the girl is being ridiculous now.
"We grew up." He says. Taemin can't help it and he chances a look at Jonghyun. He's smiling, but his smile is sad. Taemin just wishes he knew about it before. He makes another mental note to search ZION on the Internet.
"Oh, well that's sad." The train slows to a stop and the girl looks up at the electronic sign.
"This is me. It was really nice meeting you." She smiles and gets off the wagon, getting lost in the crowd.
So his name is Jonghyun.
Taemin smiles and looks up at the sing. Two more stops and Jonghyun gets off. And then the next one is his stop. Every single day since. Always a station apart.
Right after Jonghyun's stop there's a tunnel they go through. The lights on the wagon aren't really working so they are in near darkness as they pass through. Taemin closes his eyes and feels how the train moves his body. He always does that. It gives him enough courage to see Jonghyun go.
§§§§
Taemin was waiting in his waiting spot for his train wagon to appear. He checked his watch for the time. It was seven thirty in the morning. He would never know how he always managed to be there, in that same spot at the same hour every working day.
The train came to a stop and he made his way in to find his seat empty. He walked faster and sat down, a satisfied smile on his face. He placed his messenger bag on his lap and reached up to fix his bow tie. It wasn't much but it was different. Very different to the usual and hopefully it would call Jonghyun's attention.
The day before when he got home from work, Taemin had searched his whole wardrobe in search for something classy like what his coworkers wore but he could only find the suit he used for his high-school graduation. He was 25 now, that suit was too old. Then he found the bow tie that Kibum had forcefully made him wear to Jinki's wedding. He felt grateful to Kibum when he found it.
He looks out the window and admires the view and he almost forgot about Jonghyun for a second. The doors to the train wagon opens and when he looks, Jonghyun is the first one to walk in. He doesn't know if his expression is composed or not but he hopes it is because he suddenly feels hot and he starts sweating. His palms are unconsciously clasped around the edges of his bag as his eyes follow Jonghyun's every movement. He sits right in front of him and Taemin swallows. Has he noticed the change? But Taemin sighs silently as he notices how he takes out his cellphone, checks the time and puts it back in his pants pocket. And then cringes a bit as Jonghyun yawns against the glass, his eyes tearing up for an unknown reason.
He doesn't know. He doesn't know this bow tie was for him. He'll probably never know.
They go through the tunnel and in those three minutes of near darkness he sheds a tear. Taemin watches him get off the train and promises that he'll do better next time.
§§§§
It was Friday, so he just had to bear the weekend. It was March and it was raining lots. He walked back home under the rain because he forgot his umbrella again. His coat was drenched and by the time he got into his apartment he had sneezed three times.
The next day was no better. Sneezing, red and watery eyes, runny nose, even coughing here an there. He felt awful. On Sunday he gave up and called his boss to inform he wasn't gonna make it the next day.
He stayed home Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Everyday was a day that he missed Jonghyun even more. It was almost ridiculous how he even considered going to work when it was still raining outside and he was still sick.
§§§§
On Thursday he feels better enough to go out. This time around he brought an umbrella with him.
In the train he gets to sit on his seat. He fixes his suit and his tie, his silly messenger bag on his lap as usual. The sunrise is more splendid than any other he has ever seen and it almost makes him cry. The train stops and he's eager. He is confident this morning.
Jonghyun comes in and sits right in front of him, but this time around he looks at him. Taemin doesn't know what to do for a second. Then he bows his head a little, smiling. To his surprise Jonghyun bows back at him and returns the smile, his impressively perfect teeth shinning.
Taemin looks at his lap for a split second and when he looks back up Jonghyun is already looking out the window. It was the first time they made eye contact. Ever.
It wasn't as if Jonghyun had not noticed him, but Taemin avoided looking at him for the most part, and he always stole glances at him when he wasn't looking. So it never happened until today.
Taemin was grinning madly, looking like some crazed guy. He looked at Jonghyun again and this time he didn't look away. He just looked at him. Jonghyun looked back at him and he can barely breath when his own lips move.
"J-Jonghyun.." He stutters out idiotically. Taemin just wants to disappear. He must look really stupid now and he just wants to die. His life is ruined. But right then Jonghyun stands up and walks over to sit down besides him.
"Hey, I don't know you but I missed you the last days. Something happened?" Jonghyun asks, a polite smile on his lips but there's obvious concern on his voice. Taemin could jump in joy! He noticed! He did! He knew he had been missing. He tried not to choke on his words.
"I was a bit sick, that's all." He nods slightly. The train slows to a stop. He looks up and notices they are two stops away from Jonghyun's destination.
"Oh, I was kinda worried, because I take the train just to see you every morning." He suddenly confesses and Taemin is about to die now for sure.
"Oh my god, me too." Taemin blurted out. He smiled awkwardly. Jonghyun looks surprised but happy.
"Really? Wow, aren't we stupid?" He says laughing and Taemin could bet on his life that it was the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard. Jonghyun rests his hand on his thigh for support as the train shakes violently. Taemin knows he should be scared but the only thing he can think of is Jonghyun's hand on his thigh. The train halts in the next stop and the driver announces they will take five minutes to verify any malfunctions. There are complains around them but Jonghyun and Taemin could care less.
"Aren't you gonna check your watch?" Jonghyun asks teasingly and Taemin blushes. He did notice him. Even though he knew the train was always on time he had the habit to check the time. The train was punctual, except when you were thirty minutes late.
"How funny!" He said but smiled anyways.
"So, you know my name but I don't know yours." He said. His eyes were piercing and determined. He loved his eyes.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Taemin, Lee Taemin." He says awkwardly.
"Ah, nice name."
"Thanks."
"How come you know mine?"
"Last week, the girl--"
"Ah, figures. You're a good listener." Jonghyun smiles and Taemin blushes a deeper shade of red. He seemed to want to kill Taemin right then and there.
"I wanted to know your name." He shrugs. "I heard you were in a band?" He asks, curiosity eating at him.
"Ah, yeah. It was a high school project. I was the bassist then."
"That's really cool. That girl recognize you." Taemin said.
"Yeah, though I noticed you weren't happy about her being here." Jonghyun said smirking. How was Taemin supposed to survive him? He was such a bad tease as his cheeks couldn't possibly get any redder, could they?
The driver is heard over the speakers announcing they will resume their ride in thirty seconds. Jonghyun smiles sadly because they both know he has to get off in the next stop. The train comes back to life and it starts moving. Taemin is motionless as they near the tunnel. Jonghyun turns to him suddenly.
"I know this will sound crazy but I love you." He says and Taemin sees him with wide eyes right before they go into near darkness. Taemin searches for his face with his hands.
"I love you too." He says before locking his lips with his, the sensation in his lower abdomen satisfying as the last air leaves his lungs and he gifts Jonghyun with the last beating of his heart.
§§§§
The devastating images came to us from a source that managed to get the security cameras where it showed the train bursting to fire, illuminating the whole tunnel and then exploding, ending the recording. Up to now there are fire fighters trying to put down the fire and the train stations have been evacuated and closed until the other trains are thoroughly revised for similar malfunctions. The police informs that there were no survivors on the incident.