That Tiny Spark of me.
Dear lJ.
My word what a weird day it's been. It's half past nine as I start writing this and I feel as if I've scaled the Matterhorn, and I haven't done one single thing, it's all due to my silly anxiety. Oh no, that bear isn't going to spend this whole entry whining is she? Well no, but I am going to talk frankly about what anxiety is like and other similar musings, so if you aren't interested in this, my dear lJ, I suggest you go weed the garden, read some nice fan fiction, or have a chat with your Arteficially intelligent girlfriend while I write all this down. But I know you won't, dear lj, because you've always been around to mop up all my brain chatter, happy and sad, unworthy and immature rantings, serious and silly, words about the blessings in my life and, like today, about the nasty things I have to deal with when they rear their ugly heads. But I have other things to tell you as well, and I'm waffling, so let's cut to the chase shall we?
Ok, where did i leave you? tuesday I think. Well, nothing very much happened the rest of that day. Wednesday was a completely normal, nice, very quiet day. We had Pink Sands wax melt, made a video, then I spent the day in my usual way, taking care of Fikey, doing my little chores, watching films or TV on my computer, spending time with MR B, all the pleasant ways I pass my time.
Thursday was much the same. WE had Wedding Day wax melt, I'm not so keen on that one, smells like cheap perfume, but it's not bad. We had some new episodes of Crown Court, the fabulous legal early afternoon drama from the seventies and eighties I love to watch, arrive which needed dealing with. Mr B soon had them digitized for us and I added them to my Magnum Opus. I'd bought a DVD I didn't have, and we'd managed to pick up a few more too. I've actually been involved in getting all this series into some kind of order. See, on DVD it was all in episodes in transmission order, which meant everything was all in half hour episodes, it was so hard to know exactly which cases we had and which we didn't. So I got my handy little MP3Merge program out, got each court case from the three episodes it usually came in into one nice long one and a half hour piece, or actually not quite that long because it ran short with comercials taken out, I labeled all the episodes clearly, took off the dates and put them all in one big folder, instead of the umpteen little ones we had them in, so now we can see exactly what we've got at a glance. It's way way easier to see, when new discs come out or when episodes, ahem, pop up shall we say, whether we already have them.
Well, apart from all my usual things, I spent most of Thursday eargoggling, because collating all that material, I came across loads of cases I hadn't seen before. We tried to order dessert from Sugar Mountain again on Thursday evening, but they canceled on us for a second time, and believe me they won't be getting a third chance. I honestly think Just Eat should penalize or ban restaurants that cancel online orders, it's not on.
I had one big surprise yesterday. We got word that my doll kits would be arriving tomorrow, that is to say, today! I mean, we'd only ordered them last Sunday! That's the fastest ever. I hadn't got a stitch ready, no bodies, no clothes, no wigs, no blankets, no nappies, no nothing! I thought I'd have got a shipping date and had a week or so to get everything in place. Well, I'm not complaining. Apple Valley are becoming incredibly efficient and more power to them!
Well, I woke up this morning with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew I had so much to get done today, and I had to go to the Dentist and have four fillings. Now Dentists and I, my dear LJ, as you may remember, are not the best of friends. I've never been terrified out of my life of them before this, but I've avoided them when I could. As well as the Dentist, I had to do a huge amount of online shopping, try and get a certain amount of local shopping, and get our weekend videos and pictures done.
So, I got up early, had a cuppa and started in with the ordering. I got really lovely things, nice clothes for the Moonkins from the Children's Salon outlet and from Mothercare, more stuff from Babyprem like socks, tights, cardigans and body suits, things like tissue paper, passifiers/dummies, ribbon and so on for my boxes from Amazon and reborning supplies and cloth baby bodies from Tink. Thank goodness I'd already done the wigs on Thursday, and ordered the nappies and the custom lettering on the blankets from Ellen. My word! By the time I'd found everything I needed I was exhausted! I'm so thankful to be able to shop from the comfort of my sofa, what in the world would I have done if I'd had to try getting all that load of stuff from stores? Well, I just couldn't!
Anyway, all the shopping had somewhat distracted me from the big, ugly and scary thing that was clenching my stomach and heart tighter every minute, but once it was done, things began to get seriously out of hand.
Amanda arrived just as i was finishing the shopping. I'd had to send Leslie away, as I was still in the thick of it, at a delicate stage and I couldn't stop. Amanda was able to help with the morning routine, we had Coconut Splash wax melt, but as we did all the personal things, my heart was beating faster, my breath was getting shorter, and I was feeling more and more panicky. I tried every technique I've ever been taught, every trick I ever pulled to keep it under control. I tried the babies. I tried everything. But this time, nothing worked, and then it just all spiraled out of control.
I've had panic attacks before, from mild ones to bad ones, but I swear to God I've never had anything like what happened to me today. I thought my head was going to explode and my heart was going to burst out of my chest. I heard thunder rumbling in my ears, everything went giddy, Mr B and Amanda had to lay me down on my bed and I just couldn't do a thing about it. The worst thing was, I still have this treatment which needs to be done, and I either had to find a way to get it done, or wait till my teeth either broke or got infected and ached so they had to be extracted. I felt so ashamed of myself, so helpless to control what was going on and so stupid! If you've never suffered from anxiety you can have no idea what it feels like. The rational part of your brain is being completely rational, but the rest of you is in complete revolt, and no stern talking to, no telling yourself to pull yourself together, nothing that the well meaning people who don't know what it's like tell you to do works worth a dang. People find things that work for them, that help them cope, that's what I personally think, at least, that's what I've found from talking to friends of mine who live with this thing like I do. Usually the babies calm me down. Some people can meditate, some people learn visualisation, tapping techniques, all kinds of things. you learn what works for you, and what works for you might do absolutely nothing for someone else. But it's a thing, it's big, it's horrible and it's real.
Mr B and Amanda helped me get back some semblance of control in the end, and now Mr B has found a place where I can have the treatment done under sedation. We'll have to pay for it, but if it avoids another episode like this morning, it'll be money well spent. I can't go through that again. I really can't.
The rest of the day has been a complete right off. I had to cancel Rhia. I did manage to see Ellen for a few minutes and give her the blankets to be embroidered, but I've felt shaky and breathless on and off all day, and my heart's still beating weird, it feels like it's wobbling, it's a really odd feeling. I've felt bad today. Not depressed bad, but bad because I think it's really the first time I've bottled out of something I needed to do because I was just too frightened. That takes a lot of getting up from. Or I'm finding it does anyway. But I will, because I always do get up, or I always have so far.
I think, you know, that the thing that really helps me, that shows me light, even when I feel so dark, even when something happens so bad that the rest of the day is ruined like today, is this. I've lived with a lot of changes these past twelve years or so. When I first moved into this flat I didn't have a wheelchair, never thought I'd ever need one. I never thought things would get so tough that I wouldn't be able to go outside for months on end. But even when I'm crying and gibbering with panic, behaving in a way that I hate, feeling like hell, I can still see that tiny spark of me. I don't know if that makes any sense. I can remember the strong person I was, try and carry that over to make me stronger now. I did it this time eventually, I'll do it next time, and with God's help I'll keep on, so that if he grants me the blessing of being old, I hope he does, old with Mr B still beside me, and I have to put up with a heck of a lot more than I do now, and I have even more scary changes to get used to, I hope and pray I'll still see and know that I'm the person my Father in Heaven made me, perhaps better than I used to be in some ways, wiser maybe, the person who jumped on a trampolene, loved to swim, cooked huge dinners for friends, walked the mall all day, had dolls for kids, dyed her hair pink, is impulsive, hot-headed, sharp-tongued, opinionated, much married but never promiscuous, loves her husband, is feercely protective of her friends, thanks God every night for so many rich blessings and prays so hard she remembers to be kind and doesn't do anything to hurt anyone. Whatever happens, at the very center of things, sometimes so tiny in all the terror, darkness, hurting, scariness an what if that I can hardly see it, always at the core of things, please God, let me always see, and thank you for, that tiny spark of me.
Take care until next time.
My word what a weird day it's been. It's half past nine as I start writing this and I feel as if I've scaled the Matterhorn, and I haven't done one single thing, it's all due to my silly anxiety. Oh no, that bear isn't going to spend this whole entry whining is she? Well no, but I am going to talk frankly about what anxiety is like and other similar musings, so if you aren't interested in this, my dear lJ, I suggest you go weed the garden, read some nice fan fiction, or have a chat with your Arteficially intelligent girlfriend while I write all this down. But I know you won't, dear lj, because you've always been around to mop up all my brain chatter, happy and sad, unworthy and immature rantings, serious and silly, words about the blessings in my life and, like today, about the nasty things I have to deal with when they rear their ugly heads. But I have other things to tell you as well, and I'm waffling, so let's cut to the chase shall we?
Ok, where did i leave you? tuesday I think. Well, nothing very much happened the rest of that day. Wednesday was a completely normal, nice, very quiet day. We had Pink Sands wax melt, made a video, then I spent the day in my usual way, taking care of Fikey, doing my little chores, watching films or TV on my computer, spending time with MR B, all the pleasant ways I pass my time.
Thursday was much the same. WE had Wedding Day wax melt, I'm not so keen on that one, smells like cheap perfume, but it's not bad. We had some new episodes of Crown Court, the fabulous legal early afternoon drama from the seventies and eighties I love to watch, arrive which needed dealing with. Mr B soon had them digitized for us and I added them to my Magnum Opus. I'd bought a DVD I didn't have, and we'd managed to pick up a few more too. I've actually been involved in getting all this series into some kind of order. See, on DVD it was all in episodes in transmission order, which meant everything was all in half hour episodes, it was so hard to know exactly which cases we had and which we didn't. So I got my handy little MP3Merge program out, got each court case from the three episodes it usually came in into one nice long one and a half hour piece, or actually not quite that long because it ran short with comercials taken out, I labeled all the episodes clearly, took off the dates and put them all in one big folder, instead of the umpteen little ones we had them in, so now we can see exactly what we've got at a glance. It's way way easier to see, when new discs come out or when episodes, ahem, pop up shall we say, whether we already have them.
Well, apart from all my usual things, I spent most of Thursday eargoggling, because collating all that material, I came across loads of cases I hadn't seen before. We tried to order dessert from Sugar Mountain again on Thursday evening, but they canceled on us for a second time, and believe me they won't be getting a third chance. I honestly think Just Eat should penalize or ban restaurants that cancel online orders, it's not on.
I had one big surprise yesterday. We got word that my doll kits would be arriving tomorrow, that is to say, today! I mean, we'd only ordered them last Sunday! That's the fastest ever. I hadn't got a stitch ready, no bodies, no clothes, no wigs, no blankets, no nappies, no nothing! I thought I'd have got a shipping date and had a week or so to get everything in place. Well, I'm not complaining. Apple Valley are becoming incredibly efficient and more power to them!
Well, I woke up this morning with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew I had so much to get done today, and I had to go to the Dentist and have four fillings. Now Dentists and I, my dear LJ, as you may remember, are not the best of friends. I've never been terrified out of my life of them before this, but I've avoided them when I could. As well as the Dentist, I had to do a huge amount of online shopping, try and get a certain amount of local shopping, and get our weekend videos and pictures done.
So, I got up early, had a cuppa and started in with the ordering. I got really lovely things, nice clothes for the Moonkins from the Children's Salon outlet and from Mothercare, more stuff from Babyprem like socks, tights, cardigans and body suits, things like tissue paper, passifiers/dummies, ribbon and so on for my boxes from Amazon and reborning supplies and cloth baby bodies from Tink. Thank goodness I'd already done the wigs on Thursday, and ordered the nappies and the custom lettering on the blankets from Ellen. My word! By the time I'd found everything I needed I was exhausted! I'm so thankful to be able to shop from the comfort of my sofa, what in the world would I have done if I'd had to try getting all that load of stuff from stores? Well, I just couldn't!
Anyway, all the shopping had somewhat distracted me from the big, ugly and scary thing that was clenching my stomach and heart tighter every minute, but once it was done, things began to get seriously out of hand.
Amanda arrived just as i was finishing the shopping. I'd had to send Leslie away, as I was still in the thick of it, at a delicate stage and I couldn't stop. Amanda was able to help with the morning routine, we had Coconut Splash wax melt, but as we did all the personal things, my heart was beating faster, my breath was getting shorter, and I was feeling more and more panicky. I tried every technique I've ever been taught, every trick I ever pulled to keep it under control. I tried the babies. I tried everything. But this time, nothing worked, and then it just all spiraled out of control.
I've had panic attacks before, from mild ones to bad ones, but I swear to God I've never had anything like what happened to me today. I thought my head was going to explode and my heart was going to burst out of my chest. I heard thunder rumbling in my ears, everything went giddy, Mr B and Amanda had to lay me down on my bed and I just couldn't do a thing about it. The worst thing was, I still have this treatment which needs to be done, and I either had to find a way to get it done, or wait till my teeth either broke or got infected and ached so they had to be extracted. I felt so ashamed of myself, so helpless to control what was going on and so stupid! If you've never suffered from anxiety you can have no idea what it feels like. The rational part of your brain is being completely rational, but the rest of you is in complete revolt, and no stern talking to, no telling yourself to pull yourself together, nothing that the well meaning people who don't know what it's like tell you to do works worth a dang. People find things that work for them, that help them cope, that's what I personally think, at least, that's what I've found from talking to friends of mine who live with this thing like I do. Usually the babies calm me down. Some people can meditate, some people learn visualisation, tapping techniques, all kinds of things. you learn what works for you, and what works for you might do absolutely nothing for someone else. But it's a thing, it's big, it's horrible and it's real.
Mr B and Amanda helped me get back some semblance of control in the end, and now Mr B has found a place where I can have the treatment done under sedation. We'll have to pay for it, but if it avoids another episode like this morning, it'll be money well spent. I can't go through that again. I really can't.
The rest of the day has been a complete right off. I had to cancel Rhia. I did manage to see Ellen for a few minutes and give her the blankets to be embroidered, but I've felt shaky and breathless on and off all day, and my heart's still beating weird, it feels like it's wobbling, it's a really odd feeling. I've felt bad today. Not depressed bad, but bad because I think it's really the first time I've bottled out of something I needed to do because I was just too frightened. That takes a lot of getting up from. Or I'm finding it does anyway. But I will, because I always do get up, or I always have so far.
I think, you know, that the thing that really helps me, that shows me light, even when I feel so dark, even when something happens so bad that the rest of the day is ruined like today, is this. I've lived with a lot of changes these past twelve years or so. When I first moved into this flat I didn't have a wheelchair, never thought I'd ever need one. I never thought things would get so tough that I wouldn't be able to go outside for months on end. But even when I'm crying and gibbering with panic, behaving in a way that I hate, feeling like hell, I can still see that tiny spark of me. I don't know if that makes any sense. I can remember the strong person I was, try and carry that over to make me stronger now. I did it this time eventually, I'll do it next time, and with God's help I'll keep on, so that if he grants me the blessing of being old, I hope he does, old with Mr B still beside me, and I have to put up with a heck of a lot more than I do now, and I have even more scary changes to get used to, I hope and pray I'll still see and know that I'm the person my Father in Heaven made me, perhaps better than I used to be in some ways, wiser maybe, the person who jumped on a trampolene, loved to swim, cooked huge dinners for friends, walked the mall all day, had dolls for kids, dyed her hair pink, is impulsive, hot-headed, sharp-tongued, opinionated, much married but never promiscuous, loves her husband, is feercely protective of her friends, thanks God every night for so many rich blessings and prays so hard she remembers to be kind and doesn't do anything to hurt anyone. Whatever happens, at the very center of things, sometimes so tiny in all the terror, darkness, hurting, scariness an what if that I can hardly see it, always at the core of things, please God, let me always see, and thank you for, that tiny spark of me.
Take care until next time.