Legendary People deserve legends
Written for the ladies at the Kakasaku FC. I wanna be like you guys when I grow up. :D
Title: The Quest of Pervasia
Genre: Action/ Adventure/ Alternate Universe/ Fantasy/ Friendship/ Horror/ Humor/ Mystery/ Parody/ Spiritual/ Supernatural
Summary: The Queen sends her mightiest warriors out in order to restore the land. The council encounters ladies most lovely and evil most uholy.
Warnings: Contains unhealthy amounts of ridiculousness. May cause self-envy and mirror staring. Do not consume while driving or sleeping. Read at your own risk.
Disclaimer: Any resembelance to real life people is intentional. But the story is completely made up. So don't get mad when you look out the window and see a tiny vehicle instead of a cougar, alright?
The Quest of Pervasia
She felt entirely wanton under his ministrations, their previous master/apprentice relationship being the icing on the cake for her perverse pleasure. She knew for a fact that he only saw her as a moody student with a penchant for reaping physical abuse on others when angered. But that was fine, because the man behind her wanted nothing more than to get inside her moistening knickers and she had absolutely no qualms with letting him.
~The Warrior Way by Ronny of Yore
Once upon a time, in a land called Pervasia, there lived a Queen named Krick. She was a wise and judicious queen, and cared over her kingdom with a firm, yet gentle hand. One day, the Queen looked out her window and noticed that her people were growing despondent. There hearts and souls became more and more weary with each passing day. Fearing for their safety, she summoned the High Council to her castle. The council contained some of the shrewdest women in all of Pervasia, each having something unique to offer.
“The people are weary,” said the Queen when they were gathered at her dais. “It is affecting their spirits”
Princess Peach shook her head in disappointment. “We cannot have them listless. Our primary exports are smut and lulz. We must remain strong.”
“My Queen, I believe I know the cause of our troubles.” Lady Portia stepped forth to address the council. “Yesterday, I was performing my duties when I noticed that the Well was dry.”
“No, that cannot be! Not the Well of Depravity!” cried Goddess Clearheart.
“I saw it with my own eyes,” replied Portia.
“I would like to second Lady Portia’s assessment,” said the wood nymph Nims. “A most peculiar thing happened to me this morning. I was tending to my lady garden, as usual, and I noticed that my thoughts were… pure.” She looked perturbed, her mouth twisting as the strange word came from her lips.
There was a long pause as the council absorbed the information with disbelief.
“Surely, you thought of a threesome?” questioned Priestess Omizu. Nims shook her head.
“Perhaps some sly, double entendre?” Again, no
“Innuendo?” Omizu questioned in despair.
“I am afraid not,” confessed Nims in shame.
Princess Peach choked back a sob as she leaned over to Clearheart. “It is such a sad thing, isn’t it?” She dabbed a tissue to her eye.
“The Well of Depravity has never gone dry before,” mused the Queen. “It is filled with the water that flows from the River of Pleasure. Someone must be interfering with its flow.”
Zelha the Mighty raised her head in defiance. “Then it is our duty to find the cause and rectify the situation. For the good of Pervasia!”
Queen Krick beckoned at a servant standing at the doorway. “Summon Scary Rei to me.”
A few minutes later, a woman walked into the dais. “You called for me, my Queen?”
“Yes. I was wondering if your most recent project is complete.”
A cruel smile crossed Scary Rei’s face. “As it so happens, I finished it last week. It was difficult, but I believe the results would speak for themselves.”
“Excellent.” Queen Krick turned to the council. “Prepare yourselves for the journey and when you are done, gather at the courtyard. Rei has something that will assist you on your travels.”
Bidding the Queen adieu, the High Council gathered the weapons and packed their satchels. Clearheart withdrew her bow and strapped the quiver across her back. Omi unwrapped the sword that she had kept in a fine cloth under her bed. They gathered at the courtyard, waiting for the appearance of Scary Rei.
Zelha grasped her large staff as she waited. “Ah, it’s been too long, Rodrigo,” she said as she caressed the wood, its end modeled on the finest male member she has witnessed.
The gate opened and from the darkness emerged Scary, followed by animals most magnificent. The large felines strode across the courtyard, their tawny haunches shining in the sunlight.
“They are gorgeous,” exclaimed Zelha as she scratched behind her cougar’s ear.
Scary Rei smiled, an action that caused one of the guards standing nearby to shudder in fear. “They have been trained for your use in travels, however do not make the mistake in thinking they are entirely tame.”
The council thanked her and climbed onto their battle cats. They journeyed across the hills and dales, the sweat prickling across their skin as the sun rose high in the sky. Finally, they arrived in a small town, called Lustimore. They left the cougars just outside the village, knowing that entering the village on such creatures could cause a terrible mob to form. Spontaneous orgies were rarely a good thing.
Nims gave her cougar an affectionate pat on the head as she climbed off. “Be good while I am visiting, Bob,” she said. “No corrupting of the youth while I am away.”
They entered an inn at the village square, settled themselves at a table and ordered a meal. The lady of the house brought over their food. Her arms were adorned with colorful tattoos, and more than one customer eyed her as they ate.
“Here is your soup,” she said as she set the bowls down. “I would like to recommend that you leave some room for dessert. People come from all over the land for a bite of our cake.” She hesitated, and then gave a timid smile to Peach.
“Pardon me,” she said as tucked away a napkin in her apron. “You look familiar. You wouldn’t happen to be Princess Peach, the heir to Smutopia?”
“Why yes I am!” Peach gave the bar wench a wink.
“I thought I recognized you from the last time you came through here. How are things in that country?”
“Meh,” sniffed Peach. “I have not returned in quite some time. It is a boy’s club. The porn is much better here anyway.”
Saphri nodded in sympathy. “I see. We are pleased to have your presence here. Is there anything else I can help you ladies with?”
Omizu leaned forward. “Have you heard rumor of any strange goings on?”
The bar wench hesitated. “My husband told me the most peculiar the other day. It shant but take a moment for me to speak to him, he is in the cupboard.”
She came back a few minutes later. “There’s an island off the coast. They say that it has grown in size in just a short time. You might want to look out there.”
Thanking Saphri, the council finished their meal and then mounted their cougars once more.
Some hours later, they reached the coast and stared out across the waves. The island was but a speck before, but now they could see the pure white sand on its shore. The cougars refused to enter the water and the council wondered how they would reach it.
“What shall we do now?”
“Ahem.” There was a discreet cough from an unnoticed woman sitting nearby. “Were you in need of passage? I have a boat a short distance away.”
“We would be most grateful for your assistance,” said Nims. “And what is your name?”
“I go by several,” she replied as she led the council away from their cougars and to the boat. “Some say ALC, others Pumpernickel, although my closest friends call me Ali.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“Are you here to visit the Maiden Caitiy? She doesn’t have very many visitors on the Island of Purity.
“We wanted to question her on the mysterious growth of her island,” replied Zelha as she leaned on Rodrigo the staff.
Ali gave the staff a wary look. “Well, you needn’t blame her for it. She merely tends to the cotton fields.”
They landed on the island shore and Ali led them through the lush forest to Caitiy. When they found her she was leaning over the plant life, a wicker basket in her hands. Caitiy looked up in surprise, and made her way towards them.
Omizu raised her sword. “What do you have there?”
Caitiy stopped in surprise and then an amused smile graced her lips. She dipped her hand into the basket and withdrew a large piece of cotton. “It isn’t anything that will harm you. I find that the Island of Purity lends the best cotton in all of Pervasia. It’s the most important ingredient if you want proper fluff.”
Portia nodded in understanding. “Do you know what is causing the growth of this island?”
“Ah… the island.” Caitiy led them away from the harsh sun to shady cover. “I see man things that others do not because I am not in the eye of the storm. Pervasia is under threat from an evil witch. She is freezing the waters from the River of Pleasure for her own use. If you want to stop her, I suggest taking the long way, up through the Mountains of Ecstasy. There is a sorceress who will be able to help you; she has encountered the witch before. Then you must travel down the Chasm of Bliss, that is where she is hidden.”
They thanked the Maiden Caitiy for her information and departed. They thanked Ali as well, remembering her generous offer, and promised that they would seek her out presence at another time. The council mounted their cougars and began their perilous journey up the Mountains of Ecstasy. The cold wind whipped at their faces, and the cougars shuddered under their thighs.
At last the reached the cavern, the warm heat inside a balm to their cold bodies. There was a young woman tending to the fire as they entered.
“We wish to speak to the sorceress,” said Clearheart.
“She will be out shortly,” replied the woman. “She is conjuring up another jar of Marmite for our consumption.” She gave the fire another poke. “I am her apprentice, Eldr.”
There was a loud pop from the back of the cave and pink smoke began to fill the air after a cheerful cry. “Success!” Sorceress Slinky came out from amid the smoke to see her guests.
“Is that a giant staff in your hand or are you just happy to see me?” she leered at Zelha.
“We are here on business,” said Portia. “Have you heard of the witch that is tampering with the river?”
“Ah yes, I know of that witch.” Sorceress Slinky shook her head. “I wanted to take care of her myself, but she was cruel and relentless. I am afraid that I was unprepared and was unable to defeat her. She has a power most unholy, one that I dare not speak of.” Slinky trembled.
“However, I have an object that will assist you.” Slink walked over to her bureau and withdrew an object wrapped in velvet cloth.
“Only those with fierce spirit can wield this object. “ She walked over and placed a hand on Zelha’s chest. “I can sense the power in your heart and this object will respond to it.”
“I accept it with much gratitude.” Zelha took the item into her hand, and then looked down. “I also believe you are groping me.”
“I know,” replied Slinky with a sharp smile.
Intrigued by this unexpected turn of events, some of the High Council leaned in closer to observe.
Apprentice Eldr sighed to herself. “Not again.” She walked over to Nims and gave her a poke in the shoulder. She had to duck the arm that flailed out in impatience.
“Not now,” snapped the nymph.
Eldr looked at her disapprovingly. “And what of the quest?”
“Quest?” Omizu echoed in a faint voice.
The repetition snapped them out of their daze. Zelha the Mighty tucked the gift into a pocket of her tunic for safe-keeping. The High Council thanked Eldr and Slinky for their help and continued on. They travelled swiftly down the mountains and made their way into the Chasm of Bliss just as the sun began to set. Omizu paused, catching sight of a most curious violet light. She tugged at her cougar’s scruff, leading him off to the side towards a strange statue and the others followed. It was in the form of a woman, her face frozen in anticipation as she stared off into the chasms’ wall. In her hands, she held a violet object that glowed in the darkness.
“Is that what I think it is?” questioned Lady Clearheart as they approached.
“It’s definitely a vibrator,” replied Nims as she circled the statue. She lowered herself from Bob the Cougar to get a better look. But when she reached out her hand to remove the object, Bob darted forward, batting it away and causing it to clatter on the earth. The council felt the hair on their arms bristle with static as an old spell was broken.
The statue came to life and she screamed a cheer that echoed on the stone walls. “Take it alllll ooff, BABY!” She blinked in surprise as she noticed the High Council that had surrounded her. “I’m free...” she said in wonderment.
“Who are you?” questioned Clearheart, an arrow knocked in her bow with intent to kill.
“I am Apheronilia of Sexintymes, a village in the south of Pervasia. My peeps call me Ronny.”
“Ronny?” Omizu echoed in amazement. “The Ronny of Yore?”
Ron sighed. “I was cursed into a statue by an old rival of mine; she was a witch. She placed a trap for me, presenting a mirage most lovely, one of two men who were about to disrobe.” Her eyes glazed over as she recalled the cherished image. “There was even a vibrator in easy reach, I should have known it was a trap. I grabbed the object just as the towel was about the drop, and I could feel my flesh harden into a relentless cold.” She shuddered.
“I’ve been trapped here ever since. I never got to see the towel drop!” Ronny shook her fist at the heavens.
“We are on a quest to defeat a witch of our own,” said Peach as she gave Ronny a comforting pat. “She is siphoning the waters that fill the Well of Depravity. We are on our way to stop her.”
“Then let’s get to it,” said Ronny. “I’ve been hanging dry for a couple hundred years, you know? I have plenty of energy to burn.”
The day disappeared into night as they travelled further down the chasm. The lights of their torches were the only thing visible before them. They knew they were getting closer as an odd sound of rustling interrupted the silence. The noise came from the shadows, mysterious and unbidden. The cougars’ fur bristled underneath their fingertips, but their torches could not pierce far enough into the veil of darkness. And then they felt it, a terrible sensation as the darkness wrapped them up further, before vanishing, and then light filled their eyes. The High Council had stumbled upon the Cavern of the Most Unholy.
The entire room was filled with horrific stone statues of grotesque creatures. There was an alter and tied on a wall was a young woman, and on her head rested a crown.
“Holy Crap!” Ronny exclaimed, spying the woman. “It’s the Princess!”
“Wait? How do you know about her?” questioned Clearheart.
“It was prophesized that I would help rescue a Princess of Smut most divine. And she had a crown, so…”
“Who dared to trespass in my cavern?” A cruel voice exclaimed. A woman stepped out to stand by the alter. “The High Council?”
“Of course,” replied Portia. “It was inevitable that the High Council would find out about your plans.”
“You know nothing of my plans,” the witch sneered.
“Then why don’t you tell us?” said Nims.
The Evil Queen laughed. “Such impudence! I think I will. The river contains enormous power and I have set up this cavern as a dam. I will channel the energy from river into a terrible piece of literature helmed by the Princess J-Pop. It will be a work of smut so terrible that it will kill everyone’s libido. Pervasia will be ruined!”
The High Council gasped in horror, as goosebumps crawling on their skin.
“You know what I think?” asked Ronny, her teeth clenched in anger.
The Evil Witch looked down from her alter. “What?”
Ronny unsnapped the holster on her thigh and withdrew a shining blade. She twirled it in her hand, a sadistic smile on her face.
“I think it’s time to knife a bitch!” With this rallying cry, she rushed up the steps to rescue J-Pop.
Spirited by Ronny’s advance, the High Council began to move forward. The Evil Witch shrieked in displeasure, her hands waving as she began to cast a spell. The witch darted away, climbing to a safe post in the cave walls. A rotten stench filled the air, that of decaying flesh, and the ladies paused to cover their mouths. There was a rasping sound as the undead emerged from the darkness, their jaws slack as they bared their yellowed teeth. The cougars raced forward at the site of the undead foes, determined to protect their masters.
“I don’t believe it!” Lady Portia muttered in frustration as she took out her throwing knives. “It’s fucking zombies!”
“The Queen warned us they would come,” replied Nims. “Thank goodness I bought my machete!” She rushed to the nearest one, slicing through it’s skull in one easy move.
Ron dashed up the steps and cut the leather straps that were tying J-Pop to the stone wall.
J-Pop rubbed at her wrists. “Thank you.”
“I would do anything for a smut Princess such as you,” Ronny replied. She flipped around as one of the zombies came up the steps, slashing her weapon across its throat. The zombies head came off and thunked down the steps. J-Pop kicked the rest of the body with her foot so it would follow.
Ronny cackled in glee. “Knife ‘em. Knife ‘em all!”
The women continued to fight, slashing at throats and spilling the zombies’’ infectious blood on the stone floor. However, the zombies were slowly closing in, their numbers far greater than the women could handle.
“There’s too many of them!” Goddess Clearheart targeted another one in the face. “We must escape soon or all will be lost.”
Zelha the Mighty hit another zombie in the head with her staff. “We must not lose heart!”
However, she did not see the one creeping behind her and the zombie pulled at her shirt. She spun her weapon to smack it away, but the zombie tumbled to the floor, its grip still firm on her shirt. Part o f the shirt tore, and Zelha spied the object that Sorceress Slinky had given as it tumbled out onto the ground. She lifted her staff and smashed the end on the zombies head. Its skulled cracked open like a coconut, splattering the bloody remains of brain over the floor. Zelha took cover behind Omizu as she bent over to pick up the object.
It was a flute carved out of smooth blue stone. Intrigued, Zelha raised it to her lips and began to play. A wondrous music began to fill the cave, its sound echoing across the cavern walls.
The cave began to shake, and the zombies were unable to hold their balance and fell to the floor. Ron and J-Pop made their perilous journey across the room to join the others. Dust came down from the cave walls as it rattled. The rock gave an enormous crack and the smell of sulfur filled the air. From the stone wall emerged a gargantuan dragon, its wings spread out in glory. Its silver scales reflected in the dim light, lending the dragon an ethereal appearance as it freed its tail from the stone prison. It let out a triumphant roar at its freedom, baring its teeth at the zombie army.
Zelha the Mighty raised her arms, Rodrigo the staff in one hand and the stone flute in the other. “Fuck, yes!”
Princess Peach turned to Nims. “Well that’s not fair. She received a dragon with just a little grope. Remind me to visit Slinky later.”
The dragon crept forward, releasing its hot breath onto the zombies. The High Council moved further back, avoiding its breath. The once fearful army toasted in the dragon’s flames, the bones cracking in the heat. The dragon gave a mighty bellow and lashed its tail onto the cavern wall. It broke under the force, exposing the Evil Witch in her hiding place. She yelled in terror as she tumbled from the precipice to the floor.
The High Council gave a cheer as they mounted their cougars to escape from the tumbling cave. Large rocks fell around them as they made their exit and dust filled their lungs. The cougars led them out to safety, scrambling up the chasm walls to avoid the water that was beginning to flow once more. They looked up to see the dragon soar into the air, it’s majestic wings flapping it high until just another star in the sky.
Nims smiled, feeling at peace now that they had succeeded in their quest. It was then, that she noticed the look of concentration on J-Pop’s face.
“Is something the matter?” she asked in concern.
“No. I was thinking.” J-Pop lifted her arm to show off the piece of leather still wrapped around her wrist. A smile came to her lips. “Bondage.”
And all was well.
The End