Daily Dose Of Courage
So my day was perfect.Was being the key word there. You would think by now I would be over this whole thing. I mean it has been a long time since we have talked. Like talked like we were friends. Real honest to good, true to the heart friends. I went to pick the Saints up from getting spayed and neutered and there he was. He was picking up Max from getting cheet removed from his paw. (Max is a good dog, ugly but really good) In that moment, when he turned around and his eyes met mine, I felt my stomache hit this place that your heart only goes to when someone you love dies and you see their casket lowered to the ground. I know we can't be the friends we were, but why did I have to run into him? There has to be 10 vet clinics in town and he just happend to go to the same one that I did at the same time? Fate has an ugly mind sometimes. I just wanted so bad to hold him, smell him, tell him I am sorry for being such a coward, for not being what he wanted me to be, tell him that I still think of him everyday, I still loved him and I miss him more than anything. But instead, I smiled, I said I was great, the kids love their new school, their getting huge, things at home are perfect, good to hear you are doing fine. Take care of that poor pup's foot and tell Brett I say hi. Then he walked away. I paid for my dogs, loaded the 6 kids into the van, drove home, put the kids in the house, dogs in the yard, walked into the garage, put my faces in my hands and cried. Cried like we had just ended the friendship 10 minutes before. What is wrong with me? Why is it so hard to let go of this nonsense? Maybe it is because for a few years in my life, I was loved. I was loved a way I never knew I could be loved. I made someone have butterflies. I was the first thought in the morning and the last thought before sleep. I was the one he called when he had a bad day, I was the one he called when his grandfather died, I was the one he talked to when he bbq'd too much food for one person and didn't know who to give it to. I was the one he stopped by to visit because waiting a few days was too long to wait. I was the one. I was enough. For a few years I was enough to be the one. Tonight, I will go to sleep and see him in my dreams. It is going to take me God knows how long to get him out of my mind once again.