The Love That Remains - Chapter 6/22

[lullysg]

PART TWO - Don’t care what is written in your history

Present Day - 2006

It’s 6:00 am when Jared’s alarm goes off, and he throws an arm out and smacks it off his bedside table. He grumbles as he shifts on the bed, his eyes not ready to open yet. Considers for a second going back to sleep, but he knows he can’t, since it’s the first day of his internship at the rehab clinic. Jared is two semesters away from getting his Psychology degree, one of his teachers recommended him, and he can’t wait to start.

Jared gave a lot of thought about what he wanted to graduate in, and he decided to go for Psychology, because he wanted, more than anything, to help others figure themselves out. He doesn’t want people to see themselves as sinners and freaks like he did. He wishes he had someone to help him when he was younger, so he wants to be there for others.

Jared couldn’t wait to get out of his home. He was tired of hiding from his family who would never accept him for what he is, and he needed a fresh start. So he worked hard and got himself a full ride to University of Texas in Dallas. His parents wanted him to try and transfer to Austin so he would be close to home, but he didn’t do it. If he could, he would have gone even further, but Dallas would do. Chad had been accepted at UT Dallas as well, so they packed their things and left.

It has been good to live away from home. He feels lighter, but even after all this time, Jared is hiding. The truth is, he’s terrified of what everyone would think of him if they knew the truth. Not even Chad, his oldest friend, knows everything about him.

Since he left home, Jared had given up trying to hook up with girls. It left him miserable, and he just doesn’t have the patience to go through that anymore. The downside of that is lying to Chad, when his friend asks if he has met someone lately, he comes up with a story and a chick Chad doesn’t know. He just brushes it off and tells his friend it was just a one-night stand. If Chad suspects something, he has never said. Truth is, his friend is more often than not busy with his own hookups, so it’s not like he has time to pay much attention to Jared’s love life, and for that Jared is grateful.

Jared has thought about trying to kiss a boy to see how that feels like, but he hasn’t met anyone that he is truly interested in and he doesn’t want to just ‘hook up’. Sure, there are some guys at the campus that catch his attention, but a) he doesn’t know if they are like Jared and there’s a high chance he’d get a punch in the face if he tried something, and b) he can’t get past the only person that occupies his mind.

Even after 12 years have passed, Jared still can’t let Jack go. In all this time, there isn’t a single day Jared doesn’t think about the blue-haired boy. He is still there when he wakes up, he is still the last thing he thinks about when he goes to bed. Jared has a hard time trying to understand the fascination he has for this boy after so long - not that Jack is a boy anymore. He doesn’t understand how a person that he spent only one month with left fingerprints so deep in him that after so long, they haven’t faded yet.

Jared often wonders how Jack is nowadays, where he lives, if he went to college. He wonders what Jack’s job is, if he met someone, if he’s happy. He thinks if maybe he could be living in another country even, or if… Jared starts having a small panic attack every time he starts to wonder if Jack could be dead. Because that’s not an option, of course he’s still alive. Even after 12 years without seeing him, Jared needs Jack to be alive, he doesn’t know how he would cope if he found out something had happened to him.

Jared doesn’t have much hope of actually finding Jack someday. A lot of time has passed, and Jack could be anywhere. He could be anything. It hurts that Jared doesn’t know anything about the boy, not even his last name. He dreams about how Jack might look like now, he bets he got even prettier. He doesn’t imagine that his hair is blue anymore, so he wonders what color it really is. He spends way too much time picturing Jack’s deeper voice, stubble on his chin and the fact that he must have grown, everywhere.

Jared has brought his ‘pieces of Jack’, as he likes to call the stuff he has to remind him of the boy, with him to college. He keeps the jersey (even though his mom washed it years ago, it still belonged to Jack) and the notebook with their picture inside it, in a box inside his closet. Sometimes he still likes to write in what he calls “The Jack Book”. It’s Jared’s only way of ‘talking’ to him, it’s when he feels closest to Jack, and it gives him peace. Jared often touches himself, always thinking about Jack, wishing it were him. He stopped feeling guilty over it a long time ago, and just accepted it’s another way to feel connected to the other boy. Jared enjoys being alone so he can have those moments. During their third year, he and Chad moved out of their shared room on campus and rented a small ground floor apartment, close to the college, so it got way easier to have those.

Jared also brought with him the dreamcatcher, and just like in his old room, it’s hung above his bed. To this day, Jared can still feel Jack’s arms around him, and he sometimes wonders if it was really real. There hasn’t been a single day that Jared hasn’t dreamed about Jack. And every night before going to bed, without fail, Jared still prays and asks for only one thing. Just one more time.



Jared takes a quick shower, grabs his backpack and hurries to the door, not without passing by a grumpy Chad who’s getting out of his room, mumbling how his life is unfair for making him getting out of bed this early, like he does everyday.

Jared pops in the coffee shop at the end of the street, and is greeted by Danneel.

“Hey Jared! Did you fall out of the bed? What are you doing here so early?”

He smiles at her as he approaches and leans his long body on the counter, not noticing the few customers staring at his jeans as they stretch over his tight backside. “I’m starting a new internship today, hence the early hour.”

Danni smiles at Jared and winks at one of the pervy customers behind him. “Awesome! Hope it’s a good one. The usual?”

“You know me!”

Danni does, she hands him a grande white chocolate mochaccino with whipped cream and sprinkles, and when he gives her a couple of bills, she gives him a charming smile.

“Well, if you go on a date with me, the drink is on the house, hot stuff.”

Jared smirks and places the bills on the counter, turning to leave the shop. “Maybe some other time. See ya, Danni.”

Asking Jared out has become a recurring joke between Danneel and him. They first met a few years back when they shared some classes, and it was obvious the attractive girl was interested in Jared. She would always sit next to him or save him a seat when he was running late, suggest that they would study together, have lunch between classes or a drink on friday night. Jared always turned the last suggestion down, Danneel was a cool girl, and her intentions were obvious. She didn’t keep them a secret, so Jared didn’t want to keep her hopes up. She was fun and he liked having her around, but it would never go beyond that.

Danneel explicitly asked Jared out a few times, and he had to tell the girl exactly that, they could be good friends because he really did care about her and loved having her around, but that was it. Eventually she accepted it and they became great buddies, Danneel being actually one of the few people Jared could call that. She continued to joke about it, asking him out in exchange of free treats at the coffee shop and Jared would harmlessly flirt back. Sometimes, Jared wonders if Danni still has feelings for him, or if maybe she figured out his secret, the real reason why wouldn’t he go out with her. If either one of the possibilities is true, Danni has never mentioned it, and Jared is surely not asking, it’s better this way. He’s just happy to have Danni as a friend, and he wants it to stay this way.

Jared strides over to the clinic then, his long legs making short time, it’s not far, just inside the campus and run by the university. Jared is excited for getting this internship and he can’t wait to start and get to know more about the place.

He approaches the gate of North Fountain Centers and identifies himself to the security guard, showing his I.D. and telling he’s starting to work there today. The guard lets him in and explains to him where he’s supposed to go. Jared thanks the man and laughs at the butterflies in his tummy, he is more nervous than he thought he would be, and heads for the reception, where a nice lady welcomes him and introduces herself as Sophia. She has him fill up some forms and once he’s done, she leads him to an office, where there’s a guy sitting behind a desk.

“Doctor Kane, this is Jared Padalecki and he’s starting his internship today.”

The guy stands up and he’s quite a bit shorter than Jared, not that this is a shock because almost everyone is, he has long brown hair much like Jared’s own, blue eyes and quite an intimidating face. but when he approaches Jared with an extending hand and a smile on his face, the knot in Jared’s stomach loosens a bit.

“Hello Jared, I’m Christian Kane, but you can call me Chris. I’ve been expecting you, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Please, have a seat.”

Sophia exits the office and closes the door behind her as Jared sits down at the chair across from Chris at his desk.

“So Jared, I’m a counselor here at the Center, one of the partners actually, and you’ll be working with me. I graduated at UT 4 years ago and I have been working here since before that. I started as an intern like you, and when I got my psychology degree I was hired. I love this place and helping the patients. You probably know the basics about the clinic already, we don’t work with the average person who comes to us for a 28 day rehab program. We help the homeless here Jared, those who have nowhere else to turn for help and no money to do so. We don’t force anyone to stay, we offer a place for them to live for as long as they need while they go through the rehabilitation process. When we are sure they are ready, we help them in the process of finding a job and eventually a place to live so they can start over and don’t end up on the streets again. I’m gonna show you around the facility and explain how the whole process works and our role in it. But first, tell me about you.”

Chris leans back in his chair and Jared takes a moment to process his thoughts. He didn’t know the clinic was actually for homeless people, he had never visited it before, and this detail excites him. It’s nice to know the university put together a place to help people who can’t afford it and get them back on their feet. It makes Jared more eager to get started.

He looks at Chris and realizes the other man is still waiting for his answer, so he clears his throat.

“Well, I’m from Austin, my family is still there. Came to Dallas because I got a scholarship here, and chose Psychology because I really want to help people figure themselves out. I know it sounds cliché, but I want to make a difference in their lives. Oh, and I live in an apartment near the campus with my old friend Chad. That’s pretty much it, there’s nothing too exciting about me.”

Except for the part that I’m in love with a boy I last saw 12 years ago and know absolutely nothing about, but let’s not get into that, Jared bitterly thinks.

Chris smiles at him. “Well, wanting to help people is enough around here. You will learn that it’s not always easy, but in the end it’s worth it.”

Chris takes Jared for a tour around the clinic. “We work in the men’s unit. Women’s is on the other side of the building and they are completely separated.”

They start at a large hallway with many blue doors. “These are the dorms. Each one accommodates two patients.” Chris unlocks a door and shows him an empty dorm with two beds, nightstands and closets, as well as a nice painting of mountains and a lake. There’s a bathroom as well and the window has a nice view to the outdoor area.

“A patient is not allowed in any dorm that isn’t their own at any time.” Chris tells him. After, they walk to the end of the hallway where Chris shows Jared the lounge, where there’s a TV, a couple of couches, some tables and Jared can see a pile of board games in a corner.

The continue on and Chris shows him another room they use for group meetings. “We have scheduled group meetings here, they are on up to a few times a day. Each meeting has a different topic.”

They head on up to the cafeteria, the chapel, the conference room and the exam room. Wherever they go, Jared can see a few patients minding their own business, but they always wave at Chris when they pass by which is a good sign.

Chris leads Jared outside, where there’s a nice garden with lots of trees and benches, and a huge lake. The place is empty for the moment. Chris motions for Jared to sit down on a bench with him.

“The patients have a tight schedule here at the center. They wake up early, have breakfast, meditation, and activities throughout the day, such as meetings, education, private time with counselors, treatment work, unit duties, free time, etc. You need to understand, Jared, that it’s hard work. Specially when they first get here. As I told you, this is not a regular clinic where people sign up for a monthly treatment. We deal with those nobody else cares about, those who more often than not have nobody, and a lot of times they don’t want help. Some of them come because they actually choose to, and others are sent here as an alternative so they won’t end up in jail, and we can’t always help them. Sometimes they are in too deep, and as much as we try, unfortunately there’s nothing else to do. But there are a lot of people that we do manage to help get out of this life, help them start something new and that’s very rewarding.

“It’s tough work and it often gets ugly. Specially in the beginning, when they are still highly dependent on drugs and going through the withdrawal symptoms. This is the hardest part and when they need us the most. Our job is to get them through it, and even though it’s hard, it’s worth it. We make a difference in their lives and that’s what matters but there is nothing pretty about this job”

Jared spends the day at the clinic glued to Chris, learning the basics of what a day at the center is like, and Chris tells him he’s gonna show Jared all the aspects of the treatment, including the beginning with the detox, which is the worst part. Jared gets to know a few patients, and he can already see the difference that the clinic has had on them.

When Jared’s shift is over, he’s feeling tired but happy, the rehab center is much more than he expected, he’s feeling excited for having the chance to work with homeless people, those who nobody care about. He chose this career because he wanted to help others and now he’s gonna have a real chance. It’s amazing, for the first time, he feels as though his life has meaning and a real purpose.



After leaving the clinic, instead of going home, Jared heads to Fitzsimons Bar to meet his friends. Chad had texted him asking Jared to join them there. Jared is tired, and just wants to go home and shower, but he decides it won’t hurt to spend a little time with his buddies, and he’s dying to tell them about his first day at the clinic.

Jared arrives at the bar and it’s still relatively empty since it’s only a bit past seven. He takes a quick look around and with his height easily spots Chad, Danni and Milo at one of the booths. Jared greets the three of them and sits beside Milo. Jared and he had a few classes together in Jared’s first year of college and they became friends, and the friendship then extended to include Chad and later, Danni as well. Jared always found Milo gorgeous, and even had a small crush on him in the beginning, but he wasn’t crazy enough to act on it. He got over himself a long time ago since it really didn’t mean anything, and now he only sees Milo as a dear friend.

Chad brings him back to the present by placing a beer in front of him, droplets splashing over the side and landing on Jared’s jeans.

“So Jaybird, how was the first day of work?”

Jared smiles remembering the day he has had. “It was great. I didn’t know much about the clinic, and I’m working with this guy, Chris, who’s very cool and a counselor there for years now. They help homeless drug addicts to recover and start a new life… it’s pretty awesome, in fact; I’m excited.”

Milo turns and frowns up at him. “So Jare, are you gonna work with homeless dudes? That can’t be easy man.”

Jared just shrugs. “I know that, but I just really want a chance to help people in someway, like…”

Jared stops himself before he says what he shouldn’t. Like I wish I had someone to help me when I needed it.

The others don’t catch his slip and Chad raises his beer bottle. “Let’s make a toast to Jaybird so he can do well in his new job and maybe find himself a nice hot nurse!”

Jared laughs nervously and toasts with them, looking down at the table so he doesn’t have to look his friends in the eye.



When Jared is alone in his room later that night, he picks up his guitar and starts playing a few notes. He thinks back to the day he got this guitar. His old one, which was actually his brother’s in the first place, was too old and no longer good for playing anymore. When he first moved into the apartment with Chad, Jared visited a thrift shop to try and find some stuff for the house, they needed a TV and a couch. There, he found a guitar, it caught his attention because it was similar to the one Jack had at the camp. That and the fact that it was actually in a good shape, made Jared walk out of the store with it. The only sign that it had once belonged to someone else were the initials carved behind its neck. He has spend some time wondering who J.R.A. might be, even making up names, he liked Jim Ronald Arch and Julie Ruth Armstrong and he would think of back stories, of who they might have been.

He comes back to the present, and comes to the conclusion that today has been a good day, he’s excited about his new job and he wishes Jack was here to share this with him. Jared wishes he was in this room with him right now, more than anything. He would give up anything to have that.

The notes become a song, Jared hasn’t played for Jack in a while.

September 2nd, 2006

A hundred days have made me older,
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
They disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, it's only you and me



The next few weeks are very busy for Jared, because of the internship and all the classes he’s taking, but he doesn’t complain at all, because he truly loves working at the clinic. Chris wasn’t kidding when he said it isn’t easy to deal with the patients, especially in the detox phase, but Jared is learning he is good at it and he wants to learn more. Chris takes Jared under his wing, and the younger man follows the counselor everywhere. Jared is slowly learning how everything in the clinic works on a daily basis, how to talk to each patient and learn what they need. He learns about the different drugs the homeless use and the withdrawal symptoms of each of them. Chris lets him sit through some one-on-one talks with the patients, at first he just sits in a corner and listens, but lately Chris has started letting him ask questions as well, and everyone seems to like Jared and feel comfortable around him. Even though he is a large man, Jared tries to exude a calm, warm presence to put the patients at ease.

Jared feels amazing for the first time in so long, finally being able to help people and maybe make a difference in their already so difficult lives. He’s hoping he can get his first solo patient soon, even though it’s a frightening thought being in charge of a person’s treatment, but it’s also exciting and he’s slowly but surely getting ready for it, and he can’t wait for when his time comes.

It’s Friday and Jared is beat. His classes in the morning were draining and they had to deal with a hard patient in withdrawal that was not pretty to see. Now his shift is finally over and he’s so relieved, he can’t wait to go home and sleep through till morning , and since he’s off on Saturday, he can sleep in. Yes!

He says goodnight to Chris, but before he walks out of the office the older man calls him.

“Hey Jared!”

Jared turns around at the door to face him. “What’s up, Chris?”

“I was wondering, do you know that bar, Fitzsimons?”

Jared smiles at the other man. “Yeah, actually, my friends and I hang out there a lot… why?”

Chris shrugs. “It’s just that my friend Steve and I have sort of a band, it’s actually just me, him and a guy who plays drums for us, and we finally got ourselves a gig at Fitzsimons tomorrow, so if you’re free and want to listen to some music, you should show up. And invite your friends as well, I promise we are good!”

Jared smiles hugely, which brightens up his whole face. “Whoa dude, that’s awesome! I didn’t know you played, of course I’ll be there and will bring the gang with me.”

Chris smiles at Jared’s enthusiasm. “Awesome man, I’ll see you tomorrow then!”



The following night finds Jared, Chad, Danni and Milo at the bar waiting for Chris’ band, Raising Kane, to perform.

“This band better be good, Jaybird.”

Jared smacks Chad on the back, hard. “Well, Chris has the rocker looks already, so I think they are, don’t worry!”

The gig is actually very good, Chris is the singer and guitar player, another guy who Jared assumes to be Steve, is on the bass. They play some covers and some original songs, and Jared and his friends find themselves enjoying the performance and feeling quite sad when it’s over. Before leaving the stage, Chris addresses the audience.

“Thanks everyone for listening to us, and for the bar for letting us play for you guys tonight, we hope to see you soon!”

They get a round of applause as they leave. “Okay Jared, I have to admit that was good!” Chad yells as he claps his hands as well.

As it turns out, Chris and Steve join Jared and his friends for a couple of beers after loading their equipment into Steve’s van, and they all compliment the men.

“Thanks, we are only just starting playing for real, but we still need a lead singer… I like singing but I feel we need another voice, we just haven’t found the right person yet.”

Jared doesn’t mention he plays and also likes to sing sometimes, because he can only do it when he’s alone and he doesn’t think he’s good enough for a band. So he just tells the guys he hopes they can find someone soon.

They all have a nice time together, and when it’s time to call it a night, Chad tells Jared he’s spending the rest of the night out with a chick he met at the bar. Jared just chuckles and wishes him a good luck, it’s not the first time. Everyone says their goodbyes, Milo always walks Danni home since they live closer and Jared is left to walk alone to his apartment, not that he minds since it’s not too far.

Jared is distracted on the walk home, singing to himself one of the songs the band played, and when there’s only a couple of blocks left he suddenly senses someone behind him, but it’s too late as the person bumps hard into him and Jared falls down. He hits his knees and elbows hard on the ground, he can’t see much of the person who’s already running away, he can only spot a dark hoodie.

Jared struggles to stand, his arms and legs aching, and when he checks his back pocket, he notices his wallet is gone.

Fucking. Fantastic.

Jared slowly limps home, cursing his bad luck and already thinking about his lost documents. He considers going to the police station, but he decides to do that tomorrow since right now he just want to go home and clean up. He finally reaches his apartment, takes a long shower and addresses his wounds. He bets it’s gonna hurt like a bitch in the morning. He goes to bed thinking that it was an awful way to end such a good night.



Jared wakes up next morning with his phone ringing on the nightstand. He grabs it and tries to put it on his ear.

“ ‘llo?”

“Hello, is this Mr. Jared Padalecki?”

Jared slowly sits on his bed, trying to get more awake and a look at the clock on his nightstand tells him it’s 7 am. “Yes, this is him.”

“Mr. Padalecki, this is the police station, we have your wallet here with us as well as the person who stole it from you, and we would like it if you could come down here, please.”

Jared thanks the officer and tells him he’s gonna be there soon. He sends a silent prayer that he will at least get his documents back, then he quickly eats something and gets ready to leave. He arrives at the station and introduces himself, and he’s soon approached by an officer.

“Hello Jared, I’m officer Morgan.” The older man extends a hand and Jared shakes it. “I was the one who called you, if you will follow me please.”

The officer takes Jared to a room with a big window in one of the walls that shows another room, with a table and a man sitting on a chair ,cuffed to the table. He’s wearing a hoodie and he’s looking down so Jared can’t see his face, but he knows this is the man who mugged him. He can see the man is shaking a little.

Without the officer asking, Jared confirms it. “Yeah, this is definitely him.”

“We found him trying to use your money to buy methamphetamine, we brought him here and ran his fingerprints. As we suspected, it’s not his first rodeo. We’re gonna keep him here for a while so he can learn a thing or two, and you can press charges against him.”

Jared listens to the officer but he can’t take his eyes off the man in the other room, and he isn’t sure why. He assumes the man is homeless, from the looks of his clothes and the dirt he can see on his hands, and from the way he’s shaking, he’s probably still high on drugs.

The rational thing to do, what Jared should do, is to press charges like the officer said, grab his wallet, go home and never look back, let the police handle the dude. But what comes out of his mouth surprises even himself.

“Can I talk to him?”

Officer Morgan looks at Jared like he has two heads. “Why would you want to talk to this man?”

Jared just shrugs, he doesn’t have a proper answer for that. “I don’t know. I just want to talk to him, that’s all. Can I?”

Chad would probably beat him to death if he found out he willingly wants to walk into a room with a homeless drug addict, who robbed him just a few hours ago. But Jared feels this is what he has to do, it’s like an invisible force pulling him towards the man. The Officer just leads him to another door, and before opening it, he tells Jared to be careful. Jared gives him a small smile. “I’ve got it.”

Jared slowly walks into the room, still limping slightly from his sore knees, and approaches the man. He doesn’t look up or acknowledge that another person is coming close to him.

“Hey… I’m Jared.” He carefully says, and he notices the hood barely turning to his side, so he goes on. “I’m the guy you robbed last night… and the Police called me to come here.”

The guy doesn’t say anything, but he tilts his face up a bit, and Jared can see a haggard beard framing a thin and pale face.

“They told me you were using the money to buy drugs… and I assume you live on the streets. They also said they are going to keep you here for a while, and I was wondering if I could convince them to let you go to the clinic I work at instead… it’s a rehab clinic for homeless addicts, and I’m sure we could help you there. It’s probably better than staying here or going back to the streets… what do you think?”

The man’s thin shoulder barely shrugs, and Jared knows he’s too out of it to care. Most drug addicts don’t want any help, don’t seem to think they need help, so Jared considers the lack of denial from the other man as a victory.

“I’m gonna go talk to the officer and see if he accepts my proposal… we can really help you there, you’ll see…”

Jared realizes he doesn’t know the guy’s name, so he cuts himself off and walks to the door. Before turning the knob, he hears a low murmur coming from the guy and he quickly turns around.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

The hood tilts up a bit higher and Jared can see a shadowed eye peeking at him, as the man finds his husky voice, and repeats through gritted teeth:

“ ‘m Jensen.”

Chapter 7