(no subject)

[lullalu]

watching the seven up series is an incredibly draining experience. everyone's "favorite" subject neil-- this remarkable intelligent person you see develop from a vivacious child to a lonely man suffering from various mental disorders. the audience say they "care" about what happens to him, but more so they are just interested-- in the way you rubberneck on the freeway when you find yourself "interested by some awful car accident. the audience always says they find neil fascinating. it makes me very mad in a way. i have such a hard time watching it. i see this person and i just want to give my soul to him. i dont mean to be overly girly or maternal about it and hopefully my films arent too mushy, but theres this disturbing amount of distance most film makers and audience members have from the characters. i just see someone like neil who hasnt had a lot of staying compassion in his life, or even someone like bruce who has a heart of gold but never seems to get the best in his love life-- and i want to truly give them my soul. I want to kiss them and hug them so tightly they cant breathe. i want to wrap my arms around them and pull them in so close they become a part of me, or me of them. i want to give them love and happiness and everything that everyone deserves.
but as much as i feel my heart ache for what i cant do, and the sorrow that their pain gives me-- it is times like these that i am reminded of who i really am. i remember what matters to me most. i always think i am losing this part of myself-- but here i face it again, and am greatful for that love and need and passion. i wouldn't have it any other way. i just hope that eventually i will be able to help and love people as much as i want to help and love them-- since desire and action seem to not always go hand in hand.

sorry for the late night rambling everyone...just something on my mind