(no subject)
Oh Adam, you have no idea what you're doing to me.
Going home for break and not really talking to him and then coming back here and seeing him really makes me realize just how much I allow my life to revolve around him.
And the painful truth: just how much his does NOT revolve around me. I think I annoy him. I think I'm too much for him and that our days of wanting to be around each other all the time are over. I think I need to come to terms with the fact that he and I really are NOT meant to be together and that we're never going to go out.
Even though I say that, however, most of me doesn't mean it. This part of me is making me write it because that part believes it's true and that I need to believe it, but I still so badly want to believe that he and I are meant to be that I DO believe it. I just keep making excuses for why things are the way they are. And the way they are is very, very far from where I want them to be.
I just need to not push it. I need to not ask too much of him and I need to let things just take their natural course. I need to not talk things out with him and need to understand everything when I don't think I ever will. I need to STOP.
When I'm here, I'm not fully focused on myself. Most of what I do concerns what he is doing, and he is almost always on my mind. I really actually am kind of obsessive, and while I don't want to go to extremes and say it scares me, it does worry me because I know he will not provide the satisfaction I need in order for this not to consume me negatively.
I KNOW I need to let go of him and of this, but I genuinely don't know how. I know I need to take another step back (trust me, I've already taken a few), but I don't know how to find that step. If I take one more step back, I'm really not letting this friendship be much of anything at all.
And truth be told, I really wonder sometimes how strong that friendship really is.
Oh, and I HATE Tricia. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH. She is such a fucking bitch to me during rehearsal. I'm plotting to get her kicked out of the pitch position.
Going home for break and not really talking to him and then coming back here and seeing him really makes me realize just how much I allow my life to revolve around him.
And the painful truth: just how much his does NOT revolve around me. I think I annoy him. I think I'm too much for him and that our days of wanting to be around each other all the time are over. I think I need to come to terms with the fact that he and I really are NOT meant to be together and that we're never going to go out.
Even though I say that, however, most of me doesn't mean it. This part of me is making me write it because that part believes it's true and that I need to believe it, but I still so badly want to believe that he and I are meant to be that I DO believe it. I just keep making excuses for why things are the way they are. And the way they are is very, very far from where I want them to be.
I just need to not push it. I need to not ask too much of him and I need to let things just take their natural course. I need to not talk things out with him and need to understand everything when I don't think I ever will. I need to STOP.
When I'm here, I'm not fully focused on myself. Most of what I do concerns what he is doing, and he is almost always on my mind. I really actually am kind of obsessive, and while I don't want to go to extremes and say it scares me, it does worry me because I know he will not provide the satisfaction I need in order for this not to consume me negatively.
I KNOW I need to let go of him and of this, but I genuinely don't know how. I know I need to take another step back (trust me, I've already taken a few), but I don't know how to find that step. If I take one more step back, I'm really not letting this friendship be much of anything at all.
And truth be told, I really wonder sometimes how strong that friendship really is.
Oh, and I HATE Tricia. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH. She is such a fucking bitch to me during rehearsal. I'm plotting to get her kicked out of the pitch position.