Big Bang Mixup Fringe Fanfic

[lule_bell]

:

Author: lule_bell

Fandom: Fringe

Pairing: Astrid Farnsworth/Olivia Dunham

Word Count: 10,067

Rating/Warnings: Femslash

Summary: Astrid travels through Olivia's mind, hoping to release Olivia from the pain she's holding on to.

Mix: The History Books Forgot About Us

Track Listing:
1. Hardest of Hearts - Florence + The Machine
2. Nothing - The Script
3. Bone Will Break Metal - Ginger Ninja
4. Steal Your Heart - Augustana
5. Passing Afternoon - Iron and Wine
6. Skinny Love - Bon Iver
7. Fingers - Great Northern
8. Samson - Regina Spektor

( Link to Mix )

Story: ( The History Books Forgot About Us )

Art: immortality

Notes: Much love and twirls to my beta lo_duclavier



"Birth and death are doors through which you pass from one dream to another... Each existence is a dream within a dream, is it not?"
Paramhansa Yogananda (Divine Romance)

To Begin

Walter’s therapy is unconventional, to say the least. But somehow he manages to convince Olivia to lay down on a cold metal table and hooks her up to various electrodes, before injecting her with his latest concoction. He covers her ears with a pair of old headphones and turns the volume up, drowning out any other sound. Olivia tries to fight the effects of the drugs but eventually they win and she sinks into a deep unconsciousness.

There’s nothing but blackness, here in the darkest parts of her mind. Threads of sporadic thoughts of created from non existent love, dance in front of her, visions of people now gone and intense emotion build up until she turns and back into the black. Someone covers her ears with a pair of old headphones and turns the volume up on a song that sounds vaguely familiar; she thought Walter’s music knowledge didn’t include modern pop songs. Olivia takes a deep breath and lets herself fade into the music. That’s all that’s here, here in her mind: there’s nothing to guide her, no pictures she can see, but she can hear Walter’s music selections, playing on an infinite loop. She’s not sure what to do so she decides to wait but for what, she doesn't know.

//

“Walter? I brought you a danish...” Astrid’s voice hovers throughout the lab and Walter raises his head when she says danish.

“Wonderful dear. You didn’t happen to bring a --?”

He stops and beams when she hands him a cafe latte, peppered in cinnamon.

“Ah. Thank you.”

Astrid’s smile faded when she saw Olivia laying on the table. She walks over to Olivia and grips the table edges tightly with both hands. Her mouth forms a small o and she sucks in a shaking breath just before she stretches out her hand and pinches Olivia’s blouse between her thumb and finger. Astrid licks her bottom lip and asks: “Walter?”

Walter walks up behind her, the danish and coffee forgotten for the moment, and puts a delicate hand on Astrid’s shoulder. “It’s alright, dear,” he says kindly. “It’s an experiment. I turned her into music.”

Astrid turns her attention from Olivia to Walter, but doesn’t take her hand away from Olivia’s shoulder. “Um. What?”

“Not literally of course,” he says quickly. “Although that would make for a fantastic experiment,” he gestures to Olivia’s body. She seems to be breathing normally; she looks as if she is sleeping, but for the electrodes glued to her scalp. “Just her brain wave patterns,” Walter continues, “and even those aren’t music exactly.”

“I don’t understand,” Astrid says with a look of confusion across her face.

“It’s based on music therapy, you see,” Walter says simply, as if that explains everything. But it doesn't and Astrid grows increasingly concerned and frustrated. She puts her head in her hands but doesn't try to get out from underneath the hand that Walter has on her shoulder. She takes a slow, deep breath before:

“Why would you do that, Walter?”

There’s a pause and Walter hesitates, as if he’s never thought of needing to explain his actions to anyone before this moment. Relenting, he finally finds his voice:

“Not only will it help Agent Dunham to relax and detoxify her body but I’m hoping that it will also help her to recover from all of her recent traumas,” he eyes Astrid, pausing until she looks back up at him before continuing. “I want her to discover deeper, more intimate emotions. I want her to be able to release herself into a new and healthy relationship.”

Astrid misses the look Walter gives her entirely. “You’re really invested in Olivia’s love life, aren’t you?” Astrid asks mirthlessly and Walter’s hand falls from her shoulder.

He walks around to the other side of the metal table, fidgeting with dials and knobs that really don’t need to be fidgeted with. Astrid knows, she always knows, but she makes no move towards Walter and instead, remains where she is, by Olivia’s side. She runs her thumb over Olivia’s wrist gently, a move that doesn't go unnoticed by Walter.

“Of course I am!” he says somewhat defensively but Astrid is barely listening at this point. She’s watching Olivia as her chest rises and falls with each breath. Her face is soft and Astrid resists the urge to stroke the side of her cheek, focusing more on Olivia’s hands, squeezing them tightly, wondering if Olivia could recognize her touch.

“Instead of simply having Agent Dunham listen to music,” Walter continues, “I’m trying to turn the deepest parts of her subconscious into music. I’m hoping that it will flush out all of the nasties that’s been building up inside of her mind. The ones that keep her from truly living, so that she can be happy.”

Astrid looks up at him then with a softer expression on her face; she has tears in her eyes. Walter returned her look with a slightly embarrassed smile and probably would have reached out for Astrid’s hand if the machine monitoring Olivia’s vitals didn’t start screaming their warning bells then.

“What’s wrong?” Astrid asks, trying not to panic.

“There’s a problem,” Walter says as Olivia’s face starts to jerk and she clenches her hands into fists. Her face tenses: it looks as if her peaceful sleep has turned into a nightmare.

Walter pulls one of Olivia’s eyelids up and open, flicking it with his penlight. He grabs one of the print outs and as the warning bell’s screams begin to scream louder, he looks up at Astrid with delight and satisfaction.

“I surmise that’s she’s in a very comfortable place right now! That her mind will meld with the music and that if we don’t pull her out soon, she’ll die.” He walks over to Astrid with a syringe in his hand and before she can protest, he rolls up her sleeve and injects something into her arm.

“Walter!” Astrid says, wide-eyed and more than a little afraid.

“Don’t worry, it’s just a bit of LSD.”

Astrid looked at him incredulously as Walter moves another metal table over, lining it up so it stands adjacent to Olivia’s and helps her to lay down.

“Astrid, you’ll go in after her,” Walter says naturally and Astrid feels like she should be surprised, but she’s not, which doesn't surprise her either. “The LSD will suppress the ego and with the right piece of music,” he grabs a vinyl record laying on a nearby shelf and puts it on the record player, “along with some strategically placed electrodes will put the two of you together.”

“You mean...?” Astrid asks as Walter puts a pair of headphones over her head but glares at them when they won’t quite make it over her hair.

“No dear,” he adjusts the length of the headphones, “you’re not entering her brain exactly. The two of you will find each other, somewhere, on another plane of existence, fueled by music and emotional responses of the brain. They may feel better than what she’s feeling in her present life so you’ll need to convince her that life is better than music-fueled imaginings. A tough task ahead but best of luck to you, Astro.”

A sudden blast of music drowns out Walter’s voice and all she sees is a brilliant white light.

//

The Hardest of Hearts

The whisky haze is so thick, Astrid can barely see where she is, let alone where she's going, but she continues to walk, one foot in front of the other, all the way down this hall. There are empty bottles everywhere, of multiple sizes and colours, but all of them lay scattered across the floor, simply discarded after their contents had been emptied. The room reeks of whisky - old and stale, as if no one has been in or out for days. No one probably has and there's nothing to do but wander down the winding corridor that leads to no where.

She breathes in whisky soaked air and suddenly, she feels light headed and nauseous. This is just the beginning, Astrid knows. Things aren't going to get easier for her or for Olivia, but nevertheless, she's determined to find Olivia and bring her home. Refocusing her efforts, Astrid carries herself forward, pushing through as best she can, trying to block out the doubt she feels.

Lingering thoughts of uncertainty, float through her mind and even though these thoughts don't stop her legs from moving, her steps become more and more hesitant. Is all of this really worth it? an unknown voice asks her. She chooses to ignore it and nearly trips over an empty bottle; it bounces down the corridor out of sight. Astrid puffs her chest out and keeps walking. She needs to do this, she wants to do this. She loves Olivia and seeing her day after day in so much pain is almost too difficult for Astrid to bare.

But is she really worth it? The same voice demands of her. Astrid tries not to let the voice and its questions shake her, to compromise her resolve, but the voice gets the better of her and she beings to wonder: is Olivia Dunham really worth all of this? A bizarre experiment conducted by a mad scientist who's primary concern is always his stomach, a drug induced state fueled by music on another plane of existence - there are other ways to meet people, the voice tells her sardonically. Astrid rolls her eyes. She knows who it belongs to now and chides herself for not recognizing it sooner.

"You think that's going to stop me? That you're going to stop me?" she wishes harshly to no one. "You're wrong. You're wrong, Olivia."

Astrid presses on, not caring about all the reasons not to. It's not about rescuing Olivia, it's not about saving her, it's about showing her that life is worth living and that happiness is something anyone can have. She holds her head up a little higher and even though the whisky haze is thicker now than ever before, she's not afraid of Olivia's fears. She's not afraid of the alcohol, not afraid of this thick haze or the voice that attacks her ears with its negativity. Olivia might be a tough nut to crack, the hardest of hearts to win over, but she's worth the effort. Of that, Astrid is certain.

Astrid comes to the end of the corridor where a wooden door with a silver knob. There's no doubt in her mind as she pushes the door open and steps inside.

//

Nothing:

The brown drink has a stronger hold on Olivia than she wants to admit. Half way through the bottle, she rests her head on her hand, letting her light curls fall and obstruct her view. She closes her eyes against the pain in her head, but even in the black it hurts. Pain is something of a constant in her life. Physical, emotional, all the various pains a person can go through, all blend together after awhile and the only thing that really numbs it is whisky. Except that's not all it brings.

The bottle made her feel better about herself, that her experiences were normal, that she was and always had been a normal woman from an untroubled past. It was a lie, of course, but the bottle made her believe that it was true; it was the only comfort she had at any rate. The bottle felt perfect in her hand, slim and cool. It would never leave her, never betray her: her constant compassion loves her more than she loves herself and for now, that's enough. She smiles a little as the physical pain begins to wain, but in the black her smile begins to fade as all the unpleasant events she's ever experienced come back to her.

Although the pain is numbing, the whisky forces her to re-live all of her darkest moments, the things that drove her to drink to begin with, descending on her. Voices from a distant past grow louder with each drop she swallows, but she drinks more and more, thinking that eventually the black will just take her away from both the pain and the incessant voices.

Outside, a young woman in a red dress with white polka dots and white lace trim wonders where she is and what she should do. The street she's standing on is dark, but for the solitary street light and its sickly orange glow. She shivers; her lace gloves do nothing to keep her warm. She looks up from beneath the large brim of her hat and realizes that there's only one building on this street with their lights on. She starts for that building and for some reason, she isn't at all surprised to see Olivia Dunham, Private Eye in block letters over the window. She pushes the door open to indeed find a self-loathing version of the woman sitting beside a nearly finished bottle of whiskey.

"You okay, boss?" Astrid hears herself asking. Astrid hears herself asking; she should be surprised, but she's not-nothing ever surprises her anymore.

Olivia rolls her head over in her hand and looks at Astrid. Her cherry-red lipstick is smudged; the same colour is all over the glass beside her. Astrid suspects that at some point, Olivia abandoned the glass altogether.

Olivia watches as Esther takes out her hat pin and places her hat on a hat rack neatly. She folds her lace gloves and puts them in her pocket before wandering over to Olivia. She grips the bottle of whisky by its neck and pushes it over to the other side of the desk. Esther leans forward and pushes one of Olivia's curls off the side of her face and behind her ear.

"You here to take care of me?"

"Do you need taking care of?" Astrid asks even though she already knows the answer to the question; Olivia knows it too.

Olivia sits up and but doesn't make eye contact with Astrid. "I can't ask you to do that," she says sadly. "It's not fair to you and I can't see why you would choose that for yourself."

Astrid moves around the desk and pushes Olivia's chair back. She kneels down in front of Olivia and puts the palm of her hand on Olivia's cheek, gently turning Olivia's head to face her. Olivia swallows heavily and leans her head against Astrid's. Astrid strokes the side of Olivia's face with her thumb and closes her eyes.

"You know," Astrid says after awhile. "I want to be here. I want to be with you."

Olivia pulls back but Astrid keeps her hand on Olivia's cheek. She covers Astrid's hand with her own. "I do like it when you come around," she says, smiling softly.

Astrid grins and stands up, pulling Olivia up to standing carefully; she lets Olivia brace against her when she needs to.

"C'mon, let's get you cleaned up." Astrid pulls a white, lace-trimmed handkerchief from her pocket wipes the tear stains off of Olivia's cheeks. When she's finished, Astrid moves the handkerchief over Olivia's lips, cleaning off the last of her lipstick, while Olivia gently runs her hand up Astrid’s side until her thumb rests on the space between her ribcage and her girdle..

"You know I can't do anything without you."

Astrid smiles, choosing not to take Olivia's statement as drunk talk. She's finished cleaning Olivia up, so she takes her by the hand and leads her over to the office cot. She sits Olivia down on the edge of the bed and begins to undress her slowly. Astrid's hands caress the side of Olivia's body as she unhooks various pieces of delicate fabric. Leaving her in only a chemise, French knickers, and stockings, Astrid lays Olivia down on the bed.

"Call me if you need anything. I'll be here."

Astrid runs her hand down the side of Olivia's face as Olivia closes her eyes and settles back into the safety of the finally-quiet black.

//

Bone Will Break Metal

Olivia sleeps, finally, floating through the black, in between whisky-soaked dreams that try to convince her of another world where love surrounds her and tries to grab her and won't let go. But it's as if she's covered in oil and just slips out of her saviour's grasp and gently floats away.

There’s a kind of peace that sets in around her: cold yet comfortable and she relishes in the quiet, blissful dark. She hopes that she’ll wake up sober, even though the chances of that are unlikely, she still dares to hope and in her dreams, she finds herself completely clearheaded and capable of having the most pleasant of conversations with anyone at all. There’s something else that’s poking at her too: something she can’t quite put her finger on. It’s familiar yet distant all at the same time. ... happiness? No, that can’t be it. How on earth would being sober actually increase her happiness? It seemed stupid, crazy even and she scoffed at herself for being so ridiculous. Yet, she could see it all so clearly.

It’s a regular day. Gene is in her pen, chewing contentedly on her cud and the lab is silent, but for two women who are dancing around the room, wrapped up in each other’s arms. They’re being silly but neither cares. There’s a sense of freedom about them. Their smiles, their laughter, all of it is real and heartfelt. Their feelings are infectious and as their joy rises up to the ceiling, it all becomes too much for Olivia and the walls start to melt.

Everything begins to degrade, breaking down to dust; dirt and grime hit the floor with horrible sounds that make Olivia cringe. The look on her face makes Astrid ask “what?”, as though she can’t really see what’s going on around them. Her voice just echos as she too disappears, leaving Olivia standing in a mess of her own making, alone and helpless.

The room is very black - quiet and still; there’s no door, no window, no sunlight. She feels like she’s being crushed in silence and there’s no relief or course of action she can take to save herself from her situation so she lays her head down against the gritty, cold cement floor and closes her eyes.

Sleep taking her firmly, Olivia leaves the two of them there, alone but together in a special dream world, before she residing herself to the black as Astrid makes do by herself, spending the rest of the night doing nothing at all.

Astrid sits on the side of Olivia’s cot and runs her hand over the side of Olivia’s face. Her motions have subsided and she’s finally beginning to settle down. Moments ago, it looked as if she was having a nightmare. Her face was contorted tightly and the muscles in her cheeks spammed at random. She gasped in her sleep and mumbled something Astrid couldn’t understand. Astrid sat by her, stroking her face, whispering to her softly, hoping that her presence would somehow calm Olivia down. It seemed to have worked. Now, it looks as if Olivia’s escaped whatever was after her and she relaxes against the pillows as Astrid pulls the blankets up, closer to Olivia’s chin. Astrid lets her hand linger against Olivia’s jaw, hoping that she can now sleep off her intoxication.

Astrid finally decides that it’s safe to leave Olivia’s side, but she is unwilling to leave Olivia directly. Reluctantly, Astrid gets up from Olivia’s cot and starts to busy herself around Olivia’s private eye office. Now that Olivia is sleeping peacefully, Astrid starts to peek through old case files, hoping to find something that would give her some clue as to what she can do for Olivia, for her state, aside from what she’s already doing. It’s late and she hasn’t found anything of use. She’s about to give up when she pulls open the very bottom of Olivia’s desk drawer and finds exactly what she’s looking for.

It’s a mess - empty shot glasses, dirty with a brown amber are tipped over, clinking against a half-empty bottle of whisky that stands next to an empty bottle. Astrid bends over to pick up the bottle when she sees them: several pictures of lovers now past. The edges of the pictures are frayed, as if someone’s been handling them on a daily basis. Their colour faded to a yellowy-black sometime ago and a few are stained with alcohol. Astrid only recognizes a few of the faces that stare back at her but she runs her fingers over every one of them, hoping that their memories will transfer to her somehow so she might begin to combat the ugly emotions they stir up in Olivia.

Flipping them over, their blank backsides offer no further clues, save for one. This particular picture is that of a man: a square jaw line and focused eyes. This picture has the most fraying and the most yellowing. It also has the biggest whisky stain. It’s clearly Olivia’s favourite, the one she holds most of the time. It’s of the one that got away. The one who still visits her at night and whispers They all left you for a reason... the same reason that I left you... you’re damaged... broken... why bother... have another drink...

It’s around that time that Astrid realizes nothing is going to change unless she’s the one to do it. She realizes that it’s up to Olivia, ultimately, if she is going to change her life, but Astrid so desperately wants to show her that life really is beautiful, that despite all of the scary, dark things that they encounter, despite all of the trauma that people experience in their lives, she can be happy, she can love and be loved, and get everything that she deserves. The problem, Astrid realizes, as she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, is trying to convince Olivia that all of that is true.

She’s suddenly frustrated--aggravated and needing to fight. Astrid stands up, and starts marching from one side of the room to the other, Olivia’s pictures still in hand. She’s trying to be quiet, but it’s difficult. She wants to wake Olivia up and she scream at Olivia: Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop making excuses. If you want your life to be better, than put the bottle down and make it better.

Her frustration grows with each step she takes. Astrid wants to shake Olivia, scream at her until she understands and changes, but she knows that it’s for not. It’s all up to Olivia and the only thing that she can do is stand by her as her friend, until she’s ready to be something more.

Astrid sighs, suddenly tired, drained of all her energy. She turns her head and eyes the cot that Olivia is laying so peacefully in. She puts her head in her hands, letting the picture flutter from her grasp and hit the floor. She doesn't care about them; it’s all about her. Rising her head with a deep breath, Astrid picks herself up, picks the picture up on the floor and walks back to Olivia’s desk. Astrid puts the pictures back were they were. She wants to take the bottles from her desk too, but she knows that it would be too much for Olivia if she did that right now. Instead, Astrid shuts the desk drawer, hiding all of Olivia’s past lovers in darkness and away from her sight. Olivia is going to be a tough fight, Astrid is well aware of that point, but her resolve is strong. She walks over to Olivia and watches her sleep.

Astrid crosses her arms over her chest; she’s like water on a stone and Olivia’s the stone. It’s about love, about survival. It’s now or never, but the decision has already been made. Astrid closes her eyes and Olivia Dunham’s Private Eye Office is gone and she’s floating, weightless, through nothing. Everything is black, but there are hints of gray. She keeps her eyes open, looking for something that would tell her where to go next. It feels like hours, until, finally, she finds what she’s looking for.

There’s something shiny, bright yellow and orange, like a sunset on a summer’s night. That’s it, Astrid thinks. She focuses all of her energy on the spot and wills herself closer to the sliver of light. She closes her eyes and without looking, Astrid dives headfirst into the colour. It’s bright and warm. She free-falls through the air and lands with her feet flat on the ground. She only has a few moments to catch her breath and size up the situation she’s in now. A crowd of people on a busy street, Olivia is no where to be found. Astrid has no idea what to do. Her eyes won’t stop moving. They dart from one side of the street to the other until she finally spots the person she’s searching for. It’s only a few second before she breaks into a run, chasing Olivia through the swarms of surrounding people.

//

Steal Your Heart

Astrid has only a few moments to decide where she is and exactly what she has to do. It’s a busy city in the downtown core. Tall buildings filled with offices and coffee shops on every corner that promise the fastest, cheapest pick-me-ups. Everything here is up and alive, but it’s a different kind of life. A hustle and bustle of strangers doing very important things which makes Astrid feel somewhat uncomfortable. Even though she looks just like everyone else, she’s not like everyone else at all.

Astrid has never felt uncomfortable in her own skin. She has always been a very self-assured person, even when she started working in Fringe division, case after disturbing case, never bothered her or made her falter.  She has her father and even though she can't tell him what is going on, she knows that he is always there for her. They can’t talk about the disturbing cases they see day in and day out, but at least she has a warm house and a second heartbeat to go home too. Despite their difficulties, Astrid and her father have always had a good relationship, strained at times, but they love each other and he supports his daughter as all good fathers do.

It occurs to Astrid suddenly that Olivia probably doesn't have that for herself. She doesn't know much about Olivia’s childhood, as in, Olivia hasn’t told her that much directly, but what she managed to piece together on her own makes Astrid think that, despite how strong Olivia seems on the outside, the more she was breaking down on the inside and that probably had a direct link to Olivia’s drinking problem.

Of course, these are just assumptions, but assumptions are the only thing that Astrid can arm herself with right now. A way to reach Olivia, should she catch up to her, is to go through her childhood and help her become okay with her traumatic past. Finally, after all this time and strict observation, Astrid has a plan and a way of which to deal with her difficult colleague. The only way Astrid will be able to reach Olivia is if she could catch her and then convince her, somehow.  Armed with only assumptions, Astrid takes her place along side the crowd of people and searches for Olivia.

Surrounded by thousands of people it’s difficult to spot Olivia from where she is. She surveys her location: a busy city street, filled with people going about their everyday lives. Finally, Astrid spots her and the second their eyes meet, Olivia turns on her tail and runs in the opposite direction. Astrid doesn't even hesitate: she breaks into the fastest run she’s ever ran and bolts after Olivia. Dodging people and weaving in and out of the assorted hustle and bustle of the city street, Astrid is on her trail.

It’s a chase. Through crowds of people in busy streets. She calls out Olivia’s name, but her voice is drowning in the sea of commotion that surrounds her. She’s not running out of fear but out of necessity: this is Astrid’s test. If she can keep up, if she can catch Olivia, she’ll have won her over. Astrid never slows down. Olivia is faster than Astrid had originally anticipated but then again, Astrid can’t remember the last time she could run as fast as she is. She maneuvers around the people who don’t seem realize what’s going on at a pace that she can’t control. The sun around them starts to set and the buildings around them begin to fade into the dusk, but neither woman is about to slow down.

Finally Olivia’s within reach and Astrid stretches out her hand. She’s running so fast, she can’t keep her balance. It’s now or never. Just reach out and stretch.... she makes contact but suddenly Astrid is tumbling to the ground. She hits the pavement with an oomph and rolls a few feet before finally coming to a stop. She has scratches all over her face and for a moment she just lays there, letting the setting sun take its final glance around the city. Huffing and puffing, Astrid wonders where Olivia is now and whether or not she should stand up and brush the gravel off of her back and cheeks and knees.

She’s being hoisted to her feet and the sound of Olivia’s voice comes up from behind her. “There you go,” Olivia says and she starts to brush off the bits of debris that still cling to Astrid stubbornly.

“Mhm,” Astrid says, holding her temple in her hand as she squints at Olivia.

There’s a look on Olivia’s face - a slight smirk and an arch of her eyebrow; she seems impressed with Astrid.

“I didn’t think you could keep up with me.”

“I couldn’t, apparently.”

Olivia almost laughs. She walks behind Astrid, picking bits of grime out of her hair.

Astrid suddenly stands up a little straighter. “Wait.” Olivia stops what she’s doing before Astrid continues. “Did you think that I was going to give up on you?” Astrid grabs on to Olivia’s wrist and pulls her around to face her.

There’s a new look in Olivia’s eyes. Something kind of sad, a longing for something. “I wasn’t sure,” she answers finally.

“I’m never going to give up on you, Olivia,” Astrid pinches Olivia’s chin gently and moves her head so the two can look into each other’s eyes. Astrid searches Olivia’s face and waits until Olivia finally makes eye contact with her.

Olivia takes a deep breath and looks back at Astrid. Her expression changes slightly, as if she’s starting to realize that maybe there’s something here after all, something worth fighting for, rather than fighting against. But the traumas of her past are still too strong and Olivia’s face cringes.

Astrid goes to take Olivia by the shoulders but, Olivia moves out of her grasp and there’s a sudden pain in Astrid’s head. She cringes and covers her head with her hand, using the other to guide herself to the safety of the ground. Apparently she hit her head harder than Astrid thought because all she can see is black and the pain grows with intensity. Olivia is still here, her hands wrapped around Astrid’s shoulders, guiding her head to the ground. Olivia hovers over top of Astrid, stroking her face with her hands.

“Shh,” Astrid hears Olivia say. “It’s going to be alright.”

She would have enjoyed this if the situation had been different, but the world around Astrid grows black and there’s nothing but the pain in her head as she passes into oblivion.

//

Passing Afternoon

The rain outside is unrelenting. Lightening lights up the dark grey skies and thunder shakes the house. Rachel Dunham runs out from her bedroom squealing and dives into the safety of her sister’s arms, shaking.

“Rachel,” Olivia says scoldingly. “It’s just a storm. You’re fine.”

Her younger sister continues to shake and a gleam of sympathy hits Olivia and she puts a protective hand on the side of Rachel’s face. “C’mon now,” she says, sounding older than the young teenager she is. “Don’t let him hear you.”

Rachel sucks in a deep breath. She’s suddenly plagued by a more frightening thought than the storm outside. She lays against her sister’s knee and squeezes her favourite doll against her chest, hoping that both would go away soon.

Neither girl notices a young woman standing silently in the corner of their living room. Her clothes match the mood outside: a grey pant suit and a black tie; her thick curls poke out from beneath her bowler hat.

Another jolt of lightening catches them off guard and Rachel clings to her sister, clamping her eyes shut against the sound of the thunder.

“It’s so loud!” The younger girl exclaims.

Olivia scoffs. “Not loud enough,” she mumbles.

It’s only then that Astrid hears what Olivia is referring to. Somewhere, deep in the house, are two people arguing. There voices rise up above the rain that hits the roof and it sounds as if the woman’s voice is winning the argument. Then something cracks and it’s Olivia’s turn to tense up and grip her sister tightly for support. Neither girl is breathing as lightening strikes again and the sound of thunder cracks over top of the house.

“Olivia?” Rachel asks softly, slowly releasing her grasp.

“Yeah?” Olivia answers.

“Do you ever think it will stop?”

Before Olivia can answer, the door of the living room flies open and hits the opposite wall with a loud bang, making both girls jump. Their step father stands in the door way, out of breath and with clenched fists. Rachel sits upright and Olivia can’t take her eyes off of him. It’s clear that she’s watching him, surveying the situation, quickly weighing all of her options, depending on what he’s going to do next.

He starts after the girls and Astrid can’t do anything to help Olivia, that would be breaking the rules, but still it’s difficult to watch the little girl push her sister off of her and bolt out of the room and out the front door. Rachel jumps behind the couch, plugging her ears against the crashing and the banging and the thunder that looms around her. The front door swings open in the wind and Olivia runs, barefoot, into the storm. Her step-father’s voice is lost with another crash of thunder.

Hoping her mother and sister will be alright, Astrid follows Olivia into the street. She runs until she finds Olivia: a soaking-wet, standing beneath a tree with the weight of the world on her shoulders. Olivia’s head is down and she doesn't see as Astrid approaches her. She’s not crying, it’s just water on her cheeks, yet she stands with her head down and her long locks clumping around her ears and shoulders.

She had always been a bright and precocious child, which gave Olivia the inherent role of protector. It had always been her job to protect her sister. Her mother could take care of herself - this was the life she chose, the life she chose for herself and for her daughters, but it wasn’t something that Olivia wanted to reside herself to. If she could distract her step-father long enough, Rachel had the chance to hide. He hadn’t yet figured out her pattern: eventually he would come looking for her, apologize, and coax her back to the house with the promise to never to do it again. Olivia knew they were hollow promises, but it was better than sleeping outside in the dark, by herself.

“You know,” Astrid says gently, approaching Olivia slowly and with her hands up in a defenseless position. “You don’t have to go back there, if you don’t want to.”

The girl gives a sad smile. “What? You’re going to take me away from all of this? Become my new mommy?” she asks mirthlessly.

“No,” Astrid says shaking her head. “I just mean that you’re stronger than all of this. You’re the one that’s going to survive, go on to do great things with your life. You just have to hold on.”

The girl doesn't respond at first. She looks down at her hands and starts playing with the stray ends of her hair. “This is just what I’ve been through, you know?”

“I know,” Astrid says nodding. “I know these... memories,” she waves her hands around to indicate the area they are standing in, “are still very real for you, that I’m so proud of you for surviving it. You’re a survivor, Olivia.” Astrid is close enough to take the girl’s hands in her own. “I love that about you. It’s what gives you your spirt, but at some point, you have to make peace with it.”

Olivia looks up at Astrid, directly into her eyes. She searches them for a moment; neither blinks. After a moment, Olivia nods her head and squeezes Astrid’s hands. She takes a deep, shaky breath and is suddenly enveloped in Astrid’s arms. Astrid holds her against her chest tightly.

“It’s okay, baby,” she whispers. “You’re going to be okay.”

Olivia lets herself be held by Astrid for a few moments and then she pulls away from Astrid. “I think the rain is starting to let up,” she says and there’s a soft smile playing on her cheeks.

“Are you ready to go back, then?” Astrid asks.

Olivia nods. “Yes. I’m ready. You can come with me too, if you want,”

Astrid smiles. “I’d like that.”

“Okay,” Olivia says. “But, why don’t you wait a few minutes?”

Astrid looks a little confused and Olivia tries to explain further.

“Just, let me go first, then come after me a few minutes later. I’ll be in there, you just have to find me.”

Astrid nods and watches as Olivia slips past her, heading back to her house. The rain has all but stopped and the sky above them is starting to clear up. Astrid watches as Olivia disappears into her house and waits for a few minutes before she stands up and follows her inside.

//

Skinny Love

The house is nothing like Astrid expected. It’s different, everything is different. The interior is smaller and not nearly as old-looking as it should be. The rooms are too close together; there’s not enough space to make this a house. It’s an apartment, or a condo, and there’s probably only one person living in it. It dawns on Astrid suddenly: this is Olivia’s apartment in Boston but there’s no lights on and nothing to indicate that she’s at home. Astrid wanders into the kitchen. A pot sits on the stove top, screaming for release. Astrid takes it off and pours its contents into a nearby tea pot and turns the stove off.

“Ah, sorry,” a voice behind Astrid makes her jump. “I was just getting ready and I couldn’t get back in time.”

“Ready for what?” Astrid asks Olivia, who’s standing in the doorway wearing only sweatpants and a t-shirt. Her hair is hanging loosely over her chest and she has her arms folded over her chest. She looks quite pretty, relaxed and barefooted.

Olivia shrugs and looks at Astrid shyly. “I’d ask if I can make you a cup of tea but --”

Astrid laughs even though there’s nothing comical about the situation. “I think I’ve got it under control. What do you take in it?”

“Just a bit of honey. It’s on the top shelf in the cupboard there.”

Astrid finds it without a problem. She makes up two cups and follows Olivia into her living room. The two sit down and Olivia brings her knees up to her chest. She looks away from Astrid, biting her thumb nail nervously.

This is the first time Astrid has ever seen the cool and calm FBI agent looking so lost and vulnerable and suddenly she realizes this is exactly why Olivia is acting this way: letting people in has always been something Olivia struggled with. Her first priority is to protect the scared little girl who sill resides deep in her heart and she still can’t quite find the balance between protecting someone and living her life.

“It’s just...” Olivia starts.

“Just what?” Astrid asks as patiently as possible. She wants to slide over to Olivia, to hold her and tell her that this is a safe place, but she can’t push Olivia too quickly - she has to be allowed the time to come out of her shell when she decides that she is ready. Neither has any problem with the silence starts to permeate the air.

“Just...” Olivia says slowly, and Astrid knows that this is the first time she’s actually saying it out loud. “This is.... Love that's too skinny to survive. It's not properly fleshed out, and is doomed to failure.”

Astrid traces the rim of her mug with her finger. She looks lost in thought with a confused and almost hurt expression on her face. She opens her mouth hesitantly but closes it again before looking up at Olivia, who looks back at Astrid, bracing herself for the inevitable. “You think we’re doomed to failure?”

Olivia closes her eyes and shakes her head. She knew exactly what Astrid was going to ask and she doesn't blame her for it. Olivia leans forward and sets her mug back down on the coffee table. “Not us, no.” She stands up and pulls her arms into her chest to protect herself and walks away from the table and from Astrid.

“Look, Olivia,” Astrid stands up and goes to her. She grabs Olivia by the elbows and forces her to stand still for once. “We can give up and go home or we can stay here and try, try and fight for what we really want.”

Olivia takes in a shaking breath. Her head falls forward and strands of hair cover her face on both sides. “What is it that you really want?” she asks Astrid softly.

When she gets no response from Astrid, Olivia looks up to see a loving smile made out of kindness and compassion on her face. Astrid doesn't say anything. She just looks at Olivia and just lets everything between them melt down until it’s nothing but drops of microscopic water that seeps into the floor and washes away. Then finally, she stands up on her tip toes and reaches up, kissing Olivia slowly and softly on the mouth.

If Olivia’s surprised, she doesn't show it. Instead she closes her eyes and leans into Astrid; there’s a hint of reciprocal pressure. It fills Astrid with hope and she deepens their kiss until it’s full on, full force.

It ends naturally and Astrid sets back down on flat feet. Neither woman says anything to the other but when Olivia opens her eyes and looks at Astrid, there’s a distinctly happy smile playing on the corners of her mouth. She turns and pulls Astrid in a different direction. Astrid doesn't move right away. She simply lets Olivia walk off but after a few moments, she follows her to where ever the two of them are destined to go.

//

Fingers

The bathroom is softly lit: candles flicker and their shadows bounce off of the surrounding walls. Condensation drips off of every surface and Astrid can feel the sweat starting to bead on her forehead as she steps into the bathroom. There’s someone in the water already, but she can’t quite make out who that someone is until she approaches, naked, and steps into the warm water.

The bathtub is huge: big and wide with ample room for two. Bubbles cover the surface of the water and build up like mountains of soft foam. The water is hot, but not uncomfortable. Astrid sits down and pools it in her hands and washes her face. Getting more and more comfortable with the temperature, she brings her legs up to her chest and wraps her arms around herself, resting her chin on her knees. She’s hot and the parts of her not in the water have sweat dripping down them. The heat is making her sleepy and she closes her eyes for a few seconds. She wakes up hours later to find Olivia’s green eyes staring back at her.

Astrid unfolds her legs and suddenly they’re sitting knee to knee. Neither says a word; the only movement is from the shadows that dance across the walls. They would be distracting if it wasn’t for the look Astrid sees in Olivia’s eyes. She’s desperate to keep Astrid’s attention, to keep her focus and the second she sees that it’s waning, Olivia panics. Her hands fly up from beneath the water’s surface so fast they startle Astrid and she gasps as Olivia locks her hands around Astrid’s cheeks and fixes her gaze on Astrid’s. Olivia leans in, her lips part slightly and Astrid can feel a cool breeze rush over her mouth. She’s convinced that Olivia is about to kiss her, so she closes her eyes, swallows the lump that’s suddenly sitting in her throat and waits.

Expectedly, Astrid takes a breath in and slowly out. With it comes all the hope and fear that’s been building up inside of her and for one perfect, simple moment, she lives in pure perfection. The moment passes her by in an excruciatingly slow pace and when nothing happens, when Olivia doesn't kiss her after all, Astrid opens her eyes, confused and slightly terrified. Olivia let’s go of Astrid’s face suddenly and she touches the end of Astrid’s nose with the tip of her index finger.

“Boop,” she says, gently bopping Astrid on the nose.

Startled, Astrid blinks and tries to wipe off the bubbly wet that’s found itself a new home with her already wet hands. She looks at her hands with frustration before turning her attention back to a smiling Olivia. “Boop?” she asks and Olivia merely laughs as if this has always been a game to her.

“Boop,” Olivia says, doing it again. This time her smile is beyond happiness. She’s positively elated and that melts Astrid’s frustration down until she can’t even remember that she was ever frustrated at all.

A cheeky grin plays up on Astrid’s cheeks and she scoops up as many silky bubbles and aims them at Olivia’s nose. They don’t go too far and Olivia simply dodges them but on the next round, Astrid scoops the bubbles up in her hands, takes a deep breath, and blows them into the air. They fall back down to the water like fluffy snow flakes, peppering the bathroom walls and getting stuck in Astrid’s curls.

Olivia bursts out laughing at the sight and clasps her own hands together and blows as many bubbles as she can into the air, squealing like a child. They take turns: each one blowing more and more bubbles into the air and laughing at the random places where they fall. But now, Olivia changes the game. Instead of blowing her own bubbles into the air, she tries to catch Astrid’s bubbles with the tips of her fingers and Astrid lets her play for a few moments before she leans in and grabs Olivia by the wrist. She looks squarely into Olivia’s eyes and blows the bubbles off of Olivia’s finger tip with one breath. It hovers above them gently before landing on the water’s surface. Neither woman sees it. Astrid’s fingers stroke Olivia’s lightly and now, there’s no joking, no laughing, both are deadly serious and neither one is breathing. The intensity builds up between them and this time, Astrid’s convinced that Olivia’s lips are parting for her and she leans in to finally kiss her.

This time Olivia doesn't look away, she holds Astrid’s gaze with her own but it’s all too much for Olivia and she pulls back, pulls out of Astrid’s grip, leaving Astrid to find solace in the edges of the bathtub. Searching for a nearby bottle of water, Olivia clearly needs space and even though Astrid is happy to give it to her, she’s beginning to feel frustrated and impatient.

Reading Astrid’s mood, Olivia turns so that her upper body is completely visible to Astrid and when she feels Astrid’s eyes raking over her body, Olivia takes a large swig of water, ravenously gulping down the cool liquid. Olivia can feel Astrid’s eyes tracing her body from belly up, watching how her shoulders and arms are as she holds up the bottle, how her breasts rise and fall with each breath and how her stomach distends with each drop she swallows.

Astrid suddenly realizes that Olivia isn’t drinking at all any more. She’s letting the water run out of the bottle, down her chin, neck and chest; she shivers when the water hits her warm belly. Astrid licks her lips when Olivia’s nipples turn into hard points and it’s all she can do to keep from leaning into Olivia’s space and drink all of the water off of her body.

“Your eyes are too loud,” Olivia says cryptically as she pours more cool water over her warm body.

Astrid doesn't answer: she’s tired of playing games and is about ready to stand up and walk away, out of this imaginary bathtub and back into the real world, the frustration re-building inside of her, when Olivia reaches out and touches Astrid on the arm with her finger tips.

“No, don’t. Please stay,” Olivia says with a quiet desperation that instantly makes Astrid reconsider.

She reaches out and strokes Olivia’s face with the back of her fingers and Olivia falls forward into Astrid’s arms. Astrid rests her chin on the top of Olivia’s head and runs her hands over Olivia’s back. There are scars there and they mar the light cream of her skin and Astrid presses her hand against each one, as if that alone can heal the past. Olivia closes her eyes against the pressure and breathes softly until Astrid thinks she’s fallen asleep.

Suddenly, Olivia shifts her position and moves from Astrid’s shoulder and presses the tips of her fingers against the wall behind Astrid’s head and kisses her. The water starts crashing around them and some even spills out of the tub on to the floor. Astrid opens her legs allowing Olivia to settle down between them, never breaking contact. Olivia shifts her weight again, but this time on to one hand and slides the other down Astrid’s body and between her legs. Astrid breaks contact with Olivia to gasp, but it doesn't last long as Olivia quickly catches her lips again.

Unwelcome reality starts to creep up on Astrid and Olivia parts her gently and slides two fingers into her. They’ve never been together so Astrid can’t understand why she would be here now, with Olivia, in this bath. She can’t tell whether or not she’s dreaming, if Olivia’s dreaming, or if this is something different all together but here she is, lying beneath Olivia, moving in synch with Olivia’s lips and undulating against her touch. But reality vanishes around her as she comes and clenches around Olivia’s fingers, crying out into the dark room; the candle light flickers against the walls and everything is suddenly calm and quiet once more.

They lay there like that for a few minutes with no voices or thoughts between them. The last of the bubbles dissipate and are now apart of the chilling water. Olivia motions to Astrid and as the last of the candle light flickers out, the two move, one after another, out of the bath, out of the room, and float away with the music as the next song begins to play.

//

Samson

Astrid doesn't know how she got here. She closed her eyes there and opens them up in here. Here she is fully clothed and this is a simple room filled with books of all shapes and sizes. Some books are placed neatly on bookshelves while others are stacked on top of each other in piles against walls; there is no dust on any of them.

Astrid steps forward, towards the nearest self and runs her finger over a cracked leather spine. The writing is worn off but she pulls it off the shelf anyway and thumbs through it. It’s not written in English, but she recognizes the language. Some passages are highlighted in orange with hand written notes in the margins. She puts the book back on the shelf and goes for another. It’s the same as the first and so is the third, fourth and fifth book. Every book she touches is in a different language all with highlighted passages, all in orange, and all with hand written notes in the margins. She suspects that all the books in this room are the same and as she looks around, it’s only now that she notices a figure sitting on a fainting couch near a window, their back to her.

It’s Olivia. She’s bent over, with her head in her hands with an open book beside her; an orange highlighter is on the floor. Astrid bends over to pick it up and lays it down on the book gently. She doesn't want to disturb Olivia so she sits down quietly and waits. The room is too still and for a moment, Astrid’s attention shifts from a silent Olivia to the book between them. Astrid picks it up and begins to read. It’s in English and she recognizes the text immediately. She reads a few passages and the notes that Olivia has written. She sighs and puts the book back down.

“Are they all --?” she asks, unable to keep silent any longer.

“-- the same,” Olivia finishes for her, not bothering to look up.

Astrid grimaces and lets out another sigh, but this one is longer, heavier and makes Olivia sit up and take notice.

“Astrid,” Olivia said sadly and unable to turn and make eye contact. “There’s nothing here that ... supports us. I’m afraid... I’m afraid the present will deny us and that history will forget about us. That we’ll never be mentioned anywhere.... that no one will listen, no matter what we do.” It seems difficult for Olivia to speak, for her to get her ideas out, for her to articulate them completely, but Astrid understands finally, understands everything.

Astrid reaches out and takes Olivia’s hand in hers. She smiles at Olivia with love and compassion, a smile that’s matched by the look in her eyes. She stretches out her hand, chocolate mixed with cream, and offers Olivia something - peace of mind.

“The only history that matters is the history that you write yourself. The history that pushes you forward. What makes you who you are, who you want to be. There’s nothing wrong with that and there’s nothing to be afraid of.” Astrid uses her other hand and turns Olivia’s face to hers. She closes her eyes softly and kisses Olivia gently on the lips.

“There’s nothing to be afraid of.” Olivia repeats Astrid’s words with shaking confidence. There are tears in her eyes and she touches Astrid’s hand with her own. She nods her head and suddenly and Astrid can see that she believes everything that Astrid’s been saying and now there’s nothing but joy. Olivia falls into Astrid, lips crashing on lips, with a full-on force, full-on passion she’s never felt before and Astrid realizes that it’s over and as she takes Olivia further into her arms, her legs swinging up on the couch, (where) they lay together, breathless but happy.

//

To End

The music ends, stopping abruptly. The grey she's been swimming in turns to white and then one thousand other colours all at once as she opens herself and breathes into the familiar comfort of Walter's lab. She can feel Walter bustling around the lab, somewhere behind her, mumbling to himself about cherry cheese danishes. Olivia smiles. She lulls her head to one side and finds Astrid sleeping beside her on the adjacent table. She has a look of peace and tranquility on her face that makes Olivia blush slightly, but she's unsure why.

Olivia pulls herself to standing and peels the electrodes from her skin before walking over to Astrid. She puts a hand on Astrid's: they rise and fall with each breath Astrid takes. Astrid's eyes flutter open.

"Hey you," Olivia says kindly, squeezing Astrid's hand tighter.

"Hey," she says sleepily. "You okay?" She has the sudden desire to stretch her arms over her head.

"Yeah," Olivia says honestly. She pauses for a moment, taking all of Astrid in before: "You wanna get out of here? Go home?"

Astrid grips Olivia's hand tightly and Olivia helps her sit up. "Go home?" Astrid asks. She's still groggy from sleep, but Olivia is ready to bust out of the lab with Astrid in tow.

"Yeah," Olivia says, her green eyes shining brightly.

"Who's home?" Astrid asks, still confused.

Olivia laughs and pulls Astrid by the hand off the table and towards the door, sneaking past Walter, who's busying himself with a stack of pastries and an ancient looking book, the two women clearly forgotten. Nearly giddy, she leads Astrid away. There's only one home to go to.

//

"No more alcohol," Astrid eyes the half-empty bottles Olivia collected and put next to the recycling bin. Astrid is making her dinner - Olivia has no idea what, but it doesn't matter. She loves watching Astrid move around the kitchen and it's a nice change from her usual take-out menu. It's a nice feeling, having another warm body around the house and Olivia allows herself this quiet moment of contentedness to seep in and let it be. She nods at Astrid's request, ready to accept that this is her life, like it or not, and that she is responsible for everything that happens in it.

Olivia stands and comes up behind Astrid, wrapping her arms around her waist and nuzzled the skin just under her earlobe.

"Thank you for helping me do this. For being here with me."

Astrid nods. She's enjoying the feeling of Olivia's solid arms around her as Olivia sweeps her hands over Astrid's skin.  "It's up to you though," she says.

"I know," Olivia says, and it's true, she does know and she does understand the implications that all this brings. She turns Astrid to face her and kisses her everywhere: on the cheeks, lips and nose as her hands run up Astrid's arms and soon, Astrid is sitting on the table with her legs wrapped around the back of Olivia's knees. Olivia slides her hands down her body, laying Astrid down on the table.

They're dinner is overcooking slowly but all of that is lost as clothes come off and hit the floor, knocking over one of the empty bottles that stands by the recycling bin.  This won't be easy, the right thing never is, but there are new feelings building up in Olivia: hope and joy and those are stronger, more powerful emotions than fear and despair are; she feels like sunshine, here with Astrid. It's not over, not at all. This is only the beginning, the beginning of a new history that they can write together, entirely out of love.

~End