(no subject)
i guess that i lied again. i'm slipping this post in. there are still two more. i'll explain later. i'm sick of fielding all the questions about the past two weeks and what happened. i don't want to talk about myself.
i'm just so fucking angry.
i have to talk tonight.
i'm not an anger-ridden person. not in the least. i shy from negativity. but i'm fucking furious. if i weren't trying to be so goddamned selfrighteous, then i really would just moan and scream and whine, "it's not fair! why more? why me?"
i remember when i was sixteen and so wannabe-pious. ha ha... "god is testing me! i must be pretty damned strong, to have made it this far, yeah?"
i talked to my brother jimmy today. after my mother cried like a baby on the phone. he was there with my father. someone had told him about my little incident earlier in the week. it was good to talk to him. he and i were very close when i was little.
they're still only telling me so much. so i still don't know everything about what's going on. i mean, i didn't just fall apart last week, and now it's fine. i'm still a fucking wreck. everyone's so scared that i'll go postal again. eat these three bottles full of pills. or go for my wrists again. or hell, maybe they think i'll get creative this time? "you were basically a basket case all last week," my mother said, "and the doctor said that this is your alternative to hospitalization."
yeah. cute. so i sit here in my goddammned dorm room and worry myself sicker. heh. fun shit, i assure you.
god. if i had a car. or a fucking backbone. i wish i could fucking grow up, right now. i'm still such a whiny little baby, aren't i?
jesus. she said she was sorry. she didn't do anything. i told her that i was sorry. and for the first time in my life, i had to do it. she was silent for maybe five minutes, then sniffled a bit and said she'd let me go. so i told her that i loved her. and she just fell apart.
i can't go to nashville. god. i wasn't there the last time he was in the hospital. but it wasn't like this. if he's not any better tomorrow, i'm going. he won't recognise me. i'll have to physically restrain him. use force to keep my confused father from getting out of bed.
he has pneumonia. "my father died of pneumonia," my mother choked out tonight. i know. and her father wasn't 72.
jimmy told me that things were getting better already. i felt reassured. i called my mother back and calmed her down. so zak and i went on another four-hour walk around murfreesboro. when i got home, there was a message. i called my mother back, and she told me that things had changed. they moved him to the special care place or something.
basically, a turn for the worse.
all i really, really need to do right now is cry. let it all out. but i can't. i have all these pent up emotions from the past few weeks [hell, months!!], and i really need to just let this all out. but i'm still sniffly and sickish from my little cold or whatever, and if i start crying, it'll fuck that all up...... or maybe i just need an excuse not to...
in some small way, i do feel stronger. i'm the adult again. i'm taking care of my mother and my sister.
maybe i should go lie down.
in other news. zak and i spent some quality time w/ my old tarot cards tonight. they're always bitchy, but i've been ignoring them for long stretches of time, so they've really started hating me tonight. "you'll never fall in love again! your heart will always be broken! you deserved for robyn to break your heart!" and so on. absolutely nothing optimistic. it's silly, but i broke down and let a few tears slip, after zak went home.
i'm having to force myself to be strong now. i don't have the luxury right now of doing anything else. i pick up the pieces that my mother drops. she can't handle my shit right now.
god. someday i want to have someone be the strong one who holds me together. because i have been that for my family and friends for too fucking long.
well. at least now i have a reason not to swallow these three bottles of pills. (*snort*)
oh- and happy valentine's day.
god. sometimes i think that i am the most facetious person i know. and then i remember my mother.
[steven hausman once said to me that it speaks a lot of my feelings toward my parents, how i refer to them as "my mother and my father" and not "mom" or anything. i dunno. i think of that a lot.]
my daddy isn't going to die.
i'm just so fucking angry.
i have to talk tonight.
i'm not an anger-ridden person. not in the least. i shy from negativity. but i'm fucking furious. if i weren't trying to be so goddamned selfrighteous, then i really would just moan and scream and whine, "it's not fair! why more? why me?"
i remember when i was sixteen and so wannabe-pious. ha ha... "god is testing me! i must be pretty damned strong, to have made it this far, yeah?"
i talked to my brother jimmy today. after my mother cried like a baby on the phone. he was there with my father. someone had told him about my little incident earlier in the week. it was good to talk to him. he and i were very close when i was little.
they're still only telling me so much. so i still don't know everything about what's going on. i mean, i didn't just fall apart last week, and now it's fine. i'm still a fucking wreck. everyone's so scared that i'll go postal again. eat these three bottles full of pills. or go for my wrists again. or hell, maybe they think i'll get creative this time? "you were basically a basket case all last week," my mother said, "and the doctor said that this is your alternative to hospitalization."
yeah. cute. so i sit here in my goddammned dorm room and worry myself sicker. heh. fun shit, i assure you.
god. if i had a car. or a fucking backbone. i wish i could fucking grow up, right now. i'm still such a whiny little baby, aren't i?
jesus. she said she was sorry. she didn't do anything. i told her that i was sorry. and for the first time in my life, i had to do it. she was silent for maybe five minutes, then sniffled a bit and said she'd let me go. so i told her that i loved her. and she just fell apart.
i can't go to nashville. god. i wasn't there the last time he was in the hospital. but it wasn't like this. if he's not any better tomorrow, i'm going. he won't recognise me. i'll have to physically restrain him. use force to keep my confused father from getting out of bed.
he has pneumonia. "my father died of pneumonia," my mother choked out tonight. i know. and her father wasn't 72.
jimmy told me that things were getting better already. i felt reassured. i called my mother back and calmed her down. so zak and i went on another four-hour walk around murfreesboro. when i got home, there was a message. i called my mother back, and she told me that things had changed. they moved him to the special care place or something.
basically, a turn for the worse.
all i really, really need to do right now is cry. let it all out. but i can't. i have all these pent up emotions from the past few weeks [hell, months!!], and i really need to just let this all out. but i'm still sniffly and sickish from my little cold or whatever, and if i start crying, it'll fuck that all up...... or maybe i just need an excuse not to...
in some small way, i do feel stronger. i'm the adult again. i'm taking care of my mother and my sister.
maybe i should go lie down.
in other news. zak and i spent some quality time w/ my old tarot cards tonight. they're always bitchy, but i've been ignoring them for long stretches of time, so they've really started hating me tonight. "you'll never fall in love again! your heart will always be broken! you deserved for robyn to break your heart!" and so on. absolutely nothing optimistic. it's silly, but i broke down and let a few tears slip, after zak went home.
i'm having to force myself to be strong now. i don't have the luxury right now of doing anything else. i pick up the pieces that my mother drops. she can't handle my shit right now.
god. someday i want to have someone be the strong one who holds me together. because i have been that for my family and friends for too fucking long.
well. at least now i have a reason not to swallow these three bottles of pills. (*snort*)
oh- and happy valentine's day.
god. sometimes i think that i am the most facetious person i know. and then i remember my mother.
[steven hausman once said to me that it speaks a lot of my feelings toward my parents, how i refer to them as "my mother and my father" and not "mom" or anything. i dunno. i think of that a lot.]
my daddy isn't going to die.