sometimes...
i want to be in charge of everything so I can make sure it gets done right, then other times I don't want to have to deal with any of it! It's a weird connundrum, offten hitting at the exact same time. I wish I knew how to deal with it.. how to change it. There are moments where it seems I have a grip on it, that I can find a happy medium of control, then it's gone. Why am i such a control freak about things I don't even want to deal with?!?!? lol, I am an odd one aren't i?
it's funny how writing here is sooo much more comfortable.. no having to list it as "private" and then having 2o messages "why can't I be on your prefered list? talk to me.. I want to be able to read it".. ARGGG.. if I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings with everyone I would, so here I am again and oddly soooo comforted by it. The safety of blogging here, the annonimity, the sanctity of it. I think I'll be back much more often now. I love that only three people who know me are on here and know of this blog. And they are 3 people I trust.
I miss my "carefree" life of 5 years ago.. sitting in our mountain house living room scrapbooking, worrying about paying rent. It seemed so stressful at times, but now looking back, we had it great back then. Friends, a home we adored that was ours, each other, laughter, and more markers than God. It feels wonderful to have my best friend back again, but I truly wish I had more of the simple times back. Not filled with death and impending doom. Not trying to juggle 30 things at once. Not struggling with deadlines and goals. Just living and loving it. I need to find my way back onto that path before I loose it entirely. Somehow, someway...
well, i need to be up EARLY so i'm off to bed.. I'll be back very very soon.
it's funny how writing here is sooo much more comfortable.. no having to list it as "private" and then having 2o messages "why can't I be on your prefered list? talk to me.. I want to be able to read it".. ARGGG.. if I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings with everyone I would, so here I am again and oddly soooo comforted by it. The safety of blogging here, the annonimity, the sanctity of it. I think I'll be back much more often now. I love that only three people who know me are on here and know of this blog. And they are 3 people I trust.
I miss my "carefree" life of 5 years ago.. sitting in our mountain house living room scrapbooking, worrying about paying rent. It seemed so stressful at times, but now looking back, we had it great back then. Friends, a home we adored that was ours, each other, laughter, and more markers than God. It feels wonderful to have my best friend back again, but I truly wish I had more of the simple times back. Not filled with death and impending doom. Not trying to juggle 30 things at once. Not struggling with deadlines and goals. Just living and loving it. I need to find my way back onto that path before I loose it entirely. Somehow, someway...
well, i need to be up EARLY so i'm off to bed.. I'll be back very very soon.