butch / trans / masculinity

[lukeboi]

I had an off-day yesterday in therapy, I guess I just didn't really feel like talking about anything, but somehow we ended up talking about living as butch versus taking the hormone plunge. It got me thinking, and I actually meant to write some of this down right then, but I was too busy (busy getting nothing done, as usual, but that's another

Comments

[validextension]

great post...i thought (and continue to think) about these issues a lot. a lot of what you said i agree with--i think butchness has a much different flavor when coming from a female perspective than coming from a male perspective, and like kael said, i had to let a part of that go when i decided to take the plunge and transition. my masculinity has changed (and i expected it to), and with that, my butchness has taken on a different character as well. it isn't something i mourn, but it is something that is notably different. i'm more conscious of the way women relate to me--some better, some worse. some with more fear, some with less.

i worried a lot about how i would be perceived by others in a male body, how my queerness would be (or not be) read, etc. i came to terms with that anxiety by realizing that it didn't matter. i know the truth, i know what i am, i know where i've been, and while i don't know where i'm going, i have a say in my future, and i feel good and calm. i think that's what we all ultimately strive for. it's wonderful that you can think about this shit in a way that is calming, and that you have come to some sort of inner peace. congratulations, dude.

one thing you said struck me in particular: "If I rest here in my body and do nothing to change the mannish things about me, what happens when I grow up, enter the increasingly gendered realm of working adults? Will I have to be a woman? Will people be able to tell that I am not necessarily down with being a woman?"

this, in particular, was something that troubled me. by no means do i think it's a good idea to transition simply to avoid future workplace issues. but shit does change a lot when you are out of college, in a job, dealing with apartment managers who discriminate against you, dealing with people who don't understand your "genderqueerness" and don't respect it, etc. but we all deal with those issues, regardless of whether or not we transition. it's just a matter of which body we are more comfortable in when dealing with such issues.