Sep 03, 2010 06:20
So, there's something definitely wrong since that audition. And it all revolves around her.
Ok, that's not totally true. It almost all revolves around her. Heather contributed a bit too, but that was mostly like Uriah's thing, of "wow, wouldn't that be crazy."
Emily, I believe. There was something so incredibly intense about her. And something in me responded pretty strongly.
It makes sense. Jenn, Amber, MOST of the girls I find and seek out and date are the calm, submissive types. Intensity usually intimidates me. Or reminds me of other intense women I've been with, like Autum, who were just not good for me.
I don't know why this always happens. It happened with Cami and Alex, too. Now, I'm not likely to see Emily again for quite a while, just in passing at the most. It doesn't really matter...or so I tell myself.
But it DOES matter. Because it's there now. That seed. The same one I got from Alex when I was with Cami. Almost the same one Amber got from me when she was with David. That thought that maybe, the one you're with isn't quite right, isn't what you're looking for.
But what the fuck AM I looking for? Everything I seek betrays something else. I want someone who is very sexually passionate and open, but I don't want someone who has been around and done a lot and whose experience I will feel I must conquer. I want someone submissive, but not so submissive that they never express or assert themselves. And I want someone intense, but not someone overwhelming or impulsive or mercurial (all traits that intense people tend to have as well). I want someone intelligent, but not brilliant, not someone who will look down on me because I bounced around for a while despite my potential, while they applied themselves and are years ahead of me now.
Intensity was never on my list before. That's something that's tripping me out right now. But then, so is that dream.
Fucking dream, too. Seriously. What the hell. I'm dreaming up these casting calls for bbw gangbangs at Front Range. And I kept, internally, thinking "yeah, I'd like to do that...maybe...but I'm with Jenn. I can't do that to her. Not that I'm really too big on the idea to begin with..."
Now here I am still. I'm still spinning over this. The dream, fuck it. It was a dream. Gone. Done.
Emily?
She's not what I want. Not what I'm looking for. Neither was Alex. Who or what they are doesn't matter. What they represent, however. That seed, like I was saying before. It begins with a seed, planted when I really don't expect it. And wham. Suddenly nothing in my life is good enough anymore.
I'm scared of myself sometimes. I could become that guy. Mr. Harvey, was it? That guy who slowly but surely grows to start abducting, raping, killing...because the obsession gets too strong. The desire, the "itch," just overcomes common sense and reason, morality and ethics. And suddenly, there I am, stalking a girl I've never met until today because I see something in her that I suddenly feel I can't live without. I had to stop myself earlier tonight. Not that I really think i would have gotten far.
What is it, really? Excitement. Some form of danger, perhaps. The difference people talk about between being alive and really LIVING. Not to over-romanticize it, but i could look in her eyes and see the adventure she was waiting to take me on. As if that were her job in the first place. As if she could offer that. As if I could accept.
Maybe that's it. More than anything, I look for that because I can't have it. It isn't Emily I crave, it's the adventures now blocked off by "maturity" and "life" and "being grown up." Responsibility. Duty. And always money.
So, I can let Emily go. It's not her I want. I can continue to ...
..."to try to embrace Jenn"??
I don't know when it happened. I really don't. But at some point it just became normal. Expected. Easy. Something.
Can she challenge me? Can she inspire me? When everything she does is geared to please and affirm?
Fuck if I know. This isn't the time to start asking that question.
...or maybe it's the perfect time. Now, before things go too much further. Before our lives get too much more entwined. I should find out if she really is strong enough for me. Because I've known for some time that I need strength. I've known for a while that a passive woman wouldn't really ever satisfy me. The more I take, the more she gives, the more it becomes owned, conquered, mine. Finished. Until I look at her and just see myself. Or just see a corpse. Or just see a fallen angel of sorts. Faded, worn dream. Whatever it is, I always see it as less than it once was. And I neve rknow what to do with it. I never know where to go from here. So I go away. I leave and give up and let life lead me to whomever may be next.
I don't get my life. I don't get myself. What am I doing here? Where do I fucking belong? Why is it taking so long to find? Why does this all have to be so fucking hard???